Mil sleeps in | Imamother

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Mil sleeps in

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amother

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:30 am

I live far away from our families.

We don't get to see them often at all.

2 weeks ago we were finally able to get to my in laws for shabbos. My in laws are empty nesters. they love their grandkids but don't get to see them often. I have a good relationship with them too bh.

it took me 2 weeks to come on here to ask this question, bc I still cant get over it.

every single time we go there for shabbos, we are usually joined by dh's other siblings. there could be 20 kids in the house of varying ages all at one time. its def a party, and the kids of all ages are well entertained.

this was the first time there were no other families with us. just us.

my FIL goes to shul very early in the mornig (neitz) and then goes to a shiur, a chavursa and the shul kiddish. he doesn't come home until close to 1pm for the seuda.

my dh is also gone for shul all morning (not neitz, reg minyan). there is only one shul in the neighbrohood and its very slow. he came back right after shul but it was still 12pm.

I have a newborn who wakes up super super early, and then the rest of my gang wakes up usually by 8am. my mil didn't come downstairs until 11:15! I was by myself, ALL morning, taking care of my kids with zero help, having to keep them quiet so mil doesnt wake up. I thought maybe she didn't sleep well.. nope, she said she had a great night sleep. she didn't even recognize the fact that I was all alone all morning. no questioning if it was hard for me. I don't know why, but why wouldnt she want to help me? I hope never to be like that when I host my married children. I don't need her waking up at 8am. but at least 10? showing that she cares and wants to help me?

she only helps when it works for her.

my mother is always down at 8am to help her married daughters/daughtr in laws. she just wants to help. even if shes not up to watching all the kids alone, but at least theres another adult around to help then young mom with her kids.

I guess this is just a vent. I know ppl work differently. im just so frustrated. I hope to never be like that.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:32 am

I really don’t understand why you think she should wake up early with you. 11:15 is early, I’d sleep until 12 if I didn’t have kids to take care of. She did her time and raised your husband and his siblings, now is her time to sleep in.

I get how annoying it is to be up alone with kids - definitely validate you there. But I really don’t think your mother in law is in the wrong. It’s very nice of your mother to wake up early but it’s not an expected thing at all.

227

amother

Latte

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:33 am

So hard. Your expectation is completely unreasonable though. I’m a dil and mil has a lot of flaws but it wouldn’t even dawn on me that she help me early in the morning. It’s hard as your mom does it so you think that’s normal and expected, but really it isn’t. You mil is so gracious to host you, that’s a lot of work on her part. I’m am sorry that you had a hard time, maybe dh can come home earlier and help you.

134

amother

Lightpink

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:33 am

You're home alone every Shabbos morning, unless you asked her beforehand she probably didn't even think of it. I don't have grandkids yet but when I'm with my sisters for Shabbos when I was single, we always discussed beforehand who would watch her kids and now that I have kids I ask my sisters also. I would never want to wake my mother up in the morning, she has a busy life! It's completely situation dependent and she probably didn't even think to wake up early. Shabbos is probably the 1 day she sleeps in

giftedmom

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:34 am

She did her dues, raised her kids, woke up early for them. Now it’s your turn. She doesn’t have to be like your mother.

118

amother

Almond

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:34 am

I don’t relate at all. My MIL rests whenever she wants when we visit. I have never felt that she should help me with my kids. She barely gets involved with them and that’s her prerogative.

amother

DarkGreen

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:35 am

I’m sorry it was hard for you.
You are so lucky that your mother helps you when you are at her house.
But it is completely NOT a fair expectation. Your MIL does not need to wake up to take care of your children.
That’s not the way it goes. It’s not her achrayus and it’s not HER way of helping. If you go there and she never wants to be around the kids, then that is upsetting, but her not waking up
early to help you, doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to help or spend time with you. It means she doesn’t want to help in THAT way.
Just because your mother does that, doesn’t mean it’s the ONLY right way.
If she does, it’s a bonus.

smss

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:35 am

I think you have this expectation of her because that's what your mother's like. It's a nice thing to do but really not expected. Aren't you on your own with the kids Shabbos morning when you're home?

amother

Pink

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:35 am

Why did you expect her to help you? You manage every shabbos alone at home. I don’t think this is reasonable.

watergirl

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:36 am

I'm so happy for your MIL that she is able to sleep in! I bet she works really hard to prepare for your visits and is tired!

Maybe moving forward, your husband should also go to neitz and then be with you in the morning when he gets home.

amother

Daphne

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:37 am

Why should your MIL get up early to help with the kids? My MIL never does that. She is 100% entitled to sleep till 11 or 12 if she wants. And we don't go that often either, like 4 times a year.

Honestly I love sleeping late (although it doesn't happen too often these days) and when I'm at the grandma stage I highly doubt I will wake up early to help with grandchildren.

I also want to point out that you always need to be dan l'kaf zechus. Maybe there is some medical or physical issue going on that you don't know about.

Focus on the good she does for you, not the parts you dont like.

Sebastian

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:37 am

What do you normally do at home?

smss

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:37 am

My mother is an early bird always, and when we're there she's always up and often helps with the kids in the morning. My MIL is a late sleeper always, when we're there too. Just different people...

amother

Linen

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:39 am

It’s super weird to expect your mil to wake early to babysit. Never heard such a thing. My mil never did when I was by her for Shabbos. I’d never expect her to.

amother

Pumpkin

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:39 am

I know it's hard when you have to be up so early in the morning and it's even harder knowing that there's someone else in the house who's enjoying their sleep. That's what raising kids is all about though. Your mil had her turn, now its yours.

amother

Nemesia

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:41 am

I try to live by the saying "expectations lead to disappointment"
You are disappointed because you expected your mil to be awake. Instead you were up for hours alone in their house with your children.

My mil sleeps in on shabbos practically until the meal. I spend the morning entertaining and feeding alone. Its really her loss, she can be up enjoying her grandchildren. I know to expect it by now and am pleasantly surprised when she comes down earlier to spend time.

My mother wakes up early when any of us come so that she can send us back to sleep and watch the children. Its extremely nice of her and I dont take it for granted!
You are used to a mother that helps in that way too, so it just makes it harder that your mil is not like that.

Ima_Shelli

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:41 am

If you need more help on shabbos mornings at your MIL, your husband should be the one to change his leisurely shabbos morning routine, NOT your MIL (let him go to neitz OR awake up extra early to help you before he leaves for shul). Just my $0.02.

And when you’re her age, hosting a family for an entire shabbos, you may forget what it’s like and also sleep in. Mark my words.

Last edited by Ima_Shelli on Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:43 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

PlumPink

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:41 am

watergirl wrote:

This. Why would the default be to be annoyed at MIL, who has no responsibility at all to help with your kids, but not at your dh?

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:41 am

Op NEVER compare your mother and your mother in law. They are 2 separate women. So if this is how your mil rolls, just get used to it so tgmhat next time you are there, you wont be disappointed.
Also are you alone at home every shabbat morning?

amother

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 11:42 am

thanks for sharing your views.

yes, I am so lucky to have my mother as a role model. the most unselfish person out there. and I hope to emulate her and be like her when im a MIL, and grandmother.

I am so not about the "paid my dues as a mother already". so not my way of thinking. so I see its hard to see how someone can know im having a challenging time but "she already paid her dues as a mother" so shell just relax and sleep in. I've seen her wake up early when she wants to. when it comes to her special work out class, she can be up at 7am. but to help her dil? no, you're right, she already paid her dues.

I know you are all gonna yell and said im so unreasonable. thats fine. I'm sorry for your DIL's.
before you critize me, just stop and think. think what you can do for others even if you already paid your dues. and yes, this is how I live my life. I have set boundries, but I try very hard to help someone who is having a hard time. chessed goes a long long way.

paid dues is the one of the most selfish excuses.

also, I think its a deeper issue. I see this is many areas of her life. she simply does what works for her when she wants. I can't go on to give examples. I don't know if she is on her. but its beyond hurtful.

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