Meal train - is this inappropriate?

NechaMom

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 8:07 am

I wouldn’t want mothers who are preparing for Yom tov with kids home to cook for me a month after a baby. Even though you missed getting food from your community you got from people at your summer residence. It’s not like you were cheated from this treat. I know you contribute to your meal train but chesed is not tit for tat. You give for them and your summer acquaintances gave for you... at this point consider it over and figure out the easiest way possible to keep your family fed. Mazel tov!

amother

Blue

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 8:20 am

Honestly shocked to see people saying not to ask! A woman just had a baby and needs help! Goodness- of course ask. So what it's before yom tov - those who cannot make will simply not make. There are always women busy and those that are not - that's totally fine. But surely some women will be available and happy to help. I had twins and had meals for months after. In a regular lakewood neighborhood - no one especially "nice" - just everyone looked to help me out. I'm not very popular either.

For crying out loud I would make you a meal.

NechaMom

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 8:23 am

amother Blue wrote:

Why are you so shocked? There’s really no right or wrong answer. I just answered what I would do in that situation and I guess others did the same.

Dev80

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 8:27 am

Another vote for ask. Worst case they say they don't have anyone that can do it now. I think if you don't ask this is something you'll feel emotional /resentful about going forward. It's not that you Stam had a baby - but you had a baby and don't feel like you're managing. Even if you just get 1 or 2 meals or help with 1 shabbos I think it will do a lot for your emotional wellbeing. I think you can frame it as being post partum and your baby has feeding issues and you could use a few (or insert your needs) meals if possible. People want to do chesed. I've been a recipient of a lot of chesed this year. Yes husband's can make simple meals but that still requires meal planning, shopping, cleaning up after etc. And takeout is also an option but it's expensive along with all other post partum expenses. I don't think you're asking for anything so crazy. It's the food but also the love that PP moms need!

Amelia Bedelia

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 8:31 am

NechaMom wrote:

But she can ask, and worst thing that can happen will be they will say no

amother

Nemesia

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 8:47 am

I would ask just for shabbos. It’s limited and specific and will make you feel taken care of and have hot yummy food.

Btw I was also a bit sad- cooked for many ppl (we didn’t have a baby right away) in our community but had the baby at my moms over yt. I was sad to miss that experience of being thought of and was super overwhelmed when I arrived back home with the baby but wasn’t the type to ask. Would have been so nice to get one shabbos.

imaima

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 9:11 am

amother OP wrote:

My smallish but growing community makes a lot of meal trains. I've been living here a little over a year and made sure to participate in a few, often by chipping in to a gift card but I did some food too.

I think the standard is to provide 2 weeks of meals after a birth. If it's an illness/hospitalization issue then I guess as needed.

I had a baby a little more than 2 weeks ago but went to my summer hangout instead of back home after. My summer friends provided supper for a little over a week and 2 Shabboses.

Now we're back home and almost a month post birth but I'm having a hard time managing. I'm recovering slowly but feel the need to take it easier. The baby is more demanding than my others were - nothing disastrous bh that would count as extenuating circumstances, but his care is eating up all my time and energy (mild feeding issues plus fussiness) My kids are eating a lot of cereal, macaroni, and frozen pizza. Which is not the end of the world but it is a little lame.

I'm a little bummed that we missed out on the local meal train since we weren't here when the baby was born. I think it's wrong to feel this way because I did get meals from other people instead but I wonder, would it be inappropriate to hint to the coordinators that we would like some help? Or would that be like double dipping or taking advantage since we got already from someone else, and we're past the usual stage that people get without extenuating circumstances?

In particular I had dh make Shabbos last week because he was off for labor day weekend but I'm already worrying how I'm going to make Shabbos this week when he's back at work. I KNOW it's fine to cut myself slack and serve cream cheese sandwiches for Shabbos or whatever suggestions you have. But we've been having that kind of food all week too and it's kind of sad.

I'm thinking I need to just move on and keep the macaroni coming without imposing on anyone else. But thanks for entertaining the idea with me.

I would ask nicely, no pressure!
They may ask around.
Maybe there are people who would love to cook for you but they don’t know if you need anything.

I had some people who sent me food later than 2 weeks because they didn’t manage to apply in the 2 weeks but still wanted to treat us.

amother

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 9:14 am

watergirl wrote:

I’m just wondering why your husband can’t make a simple shabbos this coming week also and would rather have cream cheese sandwiches.

A weeknight and even a shabbos meal can be as simple as a cream cheese sandwich and almost as simple as frozen pizza. If you can throw pizza in the toaster and take it out, you can also put rotisserie seasoning on chicken, take a bag of prewashed potatos, and put that in the oven. Same effort, different meal.

My kids have the skills to put their own pizza in the toaster and take it out. I don't think they're handling raw chicken though.

imaima

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 9:19 am

amother Winterberry wrote:

Op, if you were home and got the two weeks of meals from your community and you needed help still now, would you asl for more help? Or are you just feeling like you missed out and you could use the help. I don't think it hurts to ask and be honest, but I think it helps to be honest with youself that this is a time of transition and you likely won't be bacl to normal after you get these two weeks of help. It might be worth trying to figure out how to manage within your new norm.

I absolutely disagree
Every ounce of help in the first weeks PP has a tremendous significance. The more OP gets to rest up now, the fitter she will be in the following months. There is no benefit in struggling. Being postpartum is not new normal.

amother

Buttercup

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 9:19 am

amother OP wrote:

My kids have the skills to put their own pizza in the toaster and take it out. I don't think they're handling raw chicken though.

Can't your husband lay out some pieces of raw chicken in a pan the night before and put in the fridge? How long would it take him, all of 5 min? Then all you or your oldest kids need to do is pull it out of the fridge, put it in the oven, and turn it on. I mean, there's nothing wrong with cream cheese sandwiches but if you want a freshly cooked meal, it is manageable without you having to exert yourself.

amother

Green

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 9:22 am

amother Blue wrote:

Because she already got meals to her summer home so it’s a little moochy to ask for meals a month later back in her regular home just because she didn’t get those meals.

DVOM

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 9:29 am

I wouldn't ask. I know what all my neighbors are up to right now. The start of the school year (here in Lakewood) has been crazy, with 10 days of half days for the boys, and school still not started yet for the girls. Yom tov is coming. Lots of shopping and cooking and entertaining little ones while trying to work and keep the house running. Being pampered after a birth is lovely, but a month in, I'd be trying to pull things together for myself. There's so much easy food you can prepare yourself or ask you husband to help you with. There's take out. My neighbors know when I've had a baby. If no one's called up and offered to cook me dinner, I'd assume they're busy enough with their own crew and figure meals out myself.

amother

Blue

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 9:34 am

NechaMom wrote:

Why are you so shocked? There’s really no right or wrong answer. I just answered what I would do in that situation and I guess others did the same.

The lack of understanding that a post partum mother needs support. I am out of this stage a while already. My youngest is 10 but it's as clear as day to me that mothers with a 7 week old needs support. The neighborhood getting together to give her the benefit of a meal train - or whatever you call meals these days (by me it was postpartum meals) - is so important.

Goodness- people talk so much about therapy nowadays. Sometimes simple neighborliness and women supporting each other is all we need.

CORRECTION - op had a baby TWO weeks ago.