Twins with totally different personalities, how to deal?

Mirabelle

Mon, Jan 04 2010, 9:45 am

I was going to post this anonymously and then I realized that people would probably figure out who I was anyway, so whats the point.

Anyhoo, I am hoping from some advice from other mothers of twins. My 12 week old twins have totally different personalities. One is a sweet happy baby, smiles a lot, only cries when she need a diaper change or is hungry, loves to cuddle and snuggle and the other one is super kvetchy, cries all the times, doesn't smile all that much yet, sometimes likes to be cuddled but not as much as the other twin. Pretty much the kvetchy twin is only happy when she has a bottle in her mouth. She also has a very high pitched shrill cry.

This is very hard because you try not to favor one twin over the other, but its hard when one acts like a sweet loving baby and one acts, well, not as sweet. Also, somedays because the kvetchy twin is being extra kvetchy I feel like I end up ignoring the calmer baby.

DH is also finding this challenging and I told him that other day that perhaps the kvetchy baby only seems so kvetchy because her twin is so calm.

Advice? Thoughts?

challi

Mon, Jan 04 2010, 9:56 am

Well I don't have twins, but I do have two kids close in age that are the exact opposite. I understand at least 60% of what you are feeling. Yes the calmer one gets less attention sometimes and is more pleasant to be around than the kvetchy needy one. I don't think you love one less just that one is needier and you have to deal with that. Eventually it evens out. Actually my kids who was calm and always wonderful is still a great kid, but now just quiet and never stops moving and I can't turn my back for a moment, and my kvetchy one is so sweet and aidel, though she still kvetches and wines more than the other.

Babies change quickly. IYH you'll have the strength to move out of this stage, but don't feel guilty. I think its 100% normal. And you never know maybe your twins will end up like my kids one day and turn the tables.

Mirabelle

Mon, Jan 04 2010, 10:03 am

TWINNY wrote:

I'm a twin as u can see from my name.
Please, please, please, just don't compare them. Ever! They are two separate individuals, and should always be treated as such.

Right, for sure. I actually don't "dress them in matching" because I do want people to think of them as two different people. Along with acting differently they also look totally different, so that makes it easier to not be tempted to lump them into one person.

I think its normal for people to compare siblings, and its just so much harder when those siblings come at the same time!

MetroMom

Mon, Jan 04 2010, 10:11 am

I have two sets of twins and B'H I can completely understand where you are coming from. There have been many times where I have been holding one child and playing with for awhile and all of a sudden I get this sudden anxiety that I've been holding him for too long and the other one hasn't been held for awhile even though he's happy and hasn't asked for it, but at that moment I'm convinced that I've ruined him for life, that I've made one extremely insecure and that he'll probably be battling this in therapy for the years to come. There are many different concerns that arise over the years. So let me tell you this. My two sets of twins are very different. The older ones are girl/boy and even though they're very different, their temperament isn't all that different. They need different things, but they both need alot of physical attention from me, ie; hugs, kisses, etc... My little ones are two boys and they are as different as night and day. They always have been. One is so easygoing, easy to please, soft spoken, 'girly' voice, real goody two-shoes. My other one, on the other hand, is a master troublemaker, getting him to behave is an art, everything has to be just so, he's quick to fight, anytime there is yelling in the house I know he started it, etc, but then he has this other side to him where he is as mushy as anything, he's my protector, he hugs and kisses me more than anyone, etc... When they're babies, at first you think that everything has to be even. You fret over it. You worry that you're screwing up if you give one a hug and not the other. If you rocked one to sleep and you're too exhausted to do the other then you feel like you 'owe' the other one. Well, nobody is keeping tabs except for you. You'll learn that although they are twins they have completely different needs and will continue to do so throughout life. At this point in life they don't speak yet so it's easy for you to feel guilty. Hold the cranky child more than the other child. If you attempt to make it even you will just drive yourself ragged. You'll see, it will end up evening itself out in other ways over the years. Perhaps the other one will require more effort toilet training, or will need alot more patience when he's learning how to read and you'll spend alot of time doing homework with him/her while the other once does it in two minutes or on his/her own. Just make sure to be physically affectionate. For instance, if you spent a half hour holding your kvetchy baby, then when you put her in go over to the other baby and give her a little kiss on the head, or just tell her, shefelleh, I love you. I always spoke to them even when they were tiny. B'h my kids are very well balanced even though they didn't always get the exact same attention. When they get older it's different. Feel free to PM me if you want. I am very lucky to have very happy children bli ayin horah and people ask me questions all the time. I'd be very happy to help you with anything that I can......

MiracleMama

Mon, Jan 04 2010, 10:19 am

I have twins, girls, non-identical in looks and personality. And abilities. I also had one of them cry non stop the first few months and have trouble nursing while the other one was always quiet and happy and nursed like a pro, slept better, never gave me any grief. Know what? There was a reason the other twin was crying all the time. She had silent reflux and was in misery. As soon as it was properly treated she was a different child. They are now both delightful toddlers. Still different as can be, but both sweet and wonderful. Each has their strong points and each has her own charms. Find out if there is a medical reason one of your babies is being so difficult. It may make all the difference in the world.

tovarena

Mon, Jan 04 2010, 11:38 am

MetroMom wrote:

When they're babies, at first you think that everything has to be even. You fret over it. You worry that you're screwing up if you give one a hug and not the other. If you rocked one to sleep and you're too exhausted to do the other then you feel like you 'owe' the other one. Well, nobody is keeping tabs except for you. You'll learn that although they are twins they have completely different needs and will continue to do so throughout life. At this point in life they don't speak yet so it's easy for you to feel guilty. Hold the cranky child more than the other child. If you attempt to make it even you will just drive yourself ragged.

I TOTALLY agree! Our b/g twins (2 yrs, 3 mths) are also VERY different with DS being considerably more "high maintenance" (since birth until this day). Especially while I was still out on maternity leave with them, at times I felt I was giving him way more attention. Until we discovered that the only way to keep him happy was for him to spend pretty much all day, every day in his swing. And then suddenly I felt like a day was going by with my barely touching him except for feeding and diapering. I was eating myself up with guilt - in both situations! (AKA: Mommy can't win)

I even panicked that I was "favoring" DD because she was so much easier. Funny enough, I was talking with DH about it at some point in those early days and he said he felt himself being pulled MORE towards DS because the baby seemed so unhappy and needed the extra comforting.

To sort of compound the endless mommy guilt, at this point both children have basically chosen "their" parent. The one that, by default, they want to do stuff for them if we're both there. The one that they automatically run to when they're hurting. And sure enough, DD comes to me, and DS to DH. I sometimes worry about it. But I try to tell myself that it's so incredible that DS has such an indelible link with DH and thank G-d that DH is so involved that DS feels this way (knowing that not all fathers are as engaged or involved). So I just try to not get too excited over the whole issue. But I know for sure that both kids love both of us and I can truly say that I don't have any sort of a favorite.

mommy7

Mon, Jan 04 2010, 5:34 pm

I could have written that thread myself word-for-word. My twins are also about 12 wks. One cries all day, refuses to let you put her down, etc. The other one I sometimes forget to check on because he's so quiet.

I actually asked my dr. about it because I was so worried I was neglecting Mr. Quiet.

She said, "what's the problem? you're giving each one what they need. Baby A needs to be held and cuddled all the time, so you're given her that, and baby B is happy laying and looking at his toys, and you're letting him do that. You're fine and they're fine."

When the screamer is quiet, I'll take the quiet one and cuddle him for a few minutes on my lap. When I'm making supper, I'll put Screamy to sleep and put the quiet one in the high chair next to me so I can interact with him while I work.

I'm just thankful I don't have 2 identical Screamies is all I can say. I'd go beserk.

BTW, Screamy has reflux. Check it out with yours, maybe?

Mommy F.

Mon, Jan 04 2010, 5:50 pm

My twins are totally, totally opposites too!
I remember when they were young I would be so nervous:
Oh no, I nursed my son but only pumped for my daughter.
I was so nervous that I would be more 'attached' to my son.
and have a closer bond to him. But that's totally not the case!

After years of parenting these twins I just laugh every time.
Because the minute we label one twin as easy and the other as hard,
they just turn the tables on us! (labeling is disabling)
We would say 'wow, he is such a good sleeper and she is a horrible sleeper'
then a few months later, he would be the bad sleeper and she would be an amazing sleeper!

This happens all the time! Even in kindergarten I warned the teacher that my son would cry
as soon as I would leave him and get very emotional. I told the Morah that I daughter would be fine! When I came to pick them up the teacher said that it was totally the opposite! My son was fine and my daughter was the one crying!

So don't worry. Kids change so much. And at some points if may seem like you love one more then the other,
but don't worry. Just keep up the good work! Get some rest! Get lots of help! And try not to worry.

You will see with children in general some may have your personality and some may have your husband's personality and some might have their own personality. Some kids you may bond with more then others and I think that's normal and o.k and healthy. I am sure you're doing a great job. Hashem only gives you what you can handle. And if Hashem thinks you can handle these 2 very different twins then He must think you're a great person, because it's not easy.

From:
one twin Mommy to another!

Mirabelle

Mon, Jan 04 2010, 5:57 pm

First of all,
THANK YOU so much for all of the wonderful replies from people who know exactly what I am going through. You really have no idea (or maybe you do) how wonderful it is to hear from others who have been through or are going through the same thing.

You all really hit the nail on the head, and perhaps I am being too hard on myself in trying to be "equal" and each twin really does have different needs. I guess because my first child was just one I remember how much constant attention I gave her and I can't help but sometimes feel "bad" that these babies sometimes need to wait for attention and don't always just get held stam.

I also can't help feeling like maybe my "kvetchy" twin isn't all that kvetchy, but just compared to the other twin appears to be more kvetchy. Like if I would compare all three of my kids as babies I would say that DD #1 had her share of kvetchiness also.

I am very curious to know more about reflux. We are going to the doctor this week, so its a good time for me to research it. What are the symptoms? My kvetchy twin wants to eat and eat and eat all day. She will eat and eat and then sometimes spit up, but not all of her food and then not all the time. When she is eating she doesnt kvetch! The doctor wasn't so concerned because her weight gain has been amazing, but told us to put rice cereal in her formula, which we have been doing with pretty good results.
How is reflux diagnosed? How is it treated?

MiracleMama

Mon, Jan 04 2010, 7:11 pm

mommy7 wrote:

Someone here wrote about silent reflux. I don't know what that is, mine has the screaming kind Smile

Haha! Silent reflux doesn't mean the baby doesn't scream her head off though. It means you don't see the obvious signs: spitting up, projectile vomit, extreme feeding trouble and back arching. It means the stuff is coming up in the esophagus but doesn't make it out. Throwing up actually gives the baby some temporary relief, so not throwing up is worse - it just stays there and burns and burns. At least that's my simplistic understanding of it. A little combo of Pepsid and Prevacid did the trick.

Mirabelle

Mon, Jan 04 2010, 7:31 pm

I will definitely bring up the possibility of reflux when we go to the doctor this week. I almost wonder if she has a mild case because she doesnt spit up all the time and is clearly gaining weight nicely, BUT her body sometimes does go rigid when its time to burp and she does kvetch a lot.

When she was born they gave her soy formula because they said she was spitting up in the nursery at the hospital, but we switched her back to normal formula because she seemed miserable on the soy stuff. She is happier on the regular forumla, but still kvetchy.

malky613

Mon, Jan 04 2010, 10:37 pm

My twin girls, now 17 mo, are such polar opposites in their personalities and temperament. In the begining I felt as you do, that I had to do the same for both. But they really needed different attention from me almost from the start. Till today, one needs more attention at bed time and needs to be rocked and "loved" more then. During play she is very independent and just comes in for a quickie hug and 2-second cuddle every now and then, then runs off again and does her own thing for a while. The other is a mush in every sense of the word and loves to play on my lap or near me. She loves being held and I don't think she every tried to get away from me. At bedtime, though, she is perfectly happy playing in her crib before she settles herself down to sleep.

I think every mother of twins feels a sense of "twin guilt" where we wish we had more one-on-one time with each one - like a singleton baby would have, even with older siblings. Someone above mentioned that one is always waiting -- that's what I always feel guilty about!

Keep in mind though even if one spends almost the entire day in a swing, you still have quality time with her/him at the very least when changing a diaper! Make the most of it then and don't worry, things will even out...