How to handle two opposite needs/wants

tovarena

Thu, Feb 25 2010, 10:26 am

My two little people (2.5 years old) are becoming very opinionated (which 2.5 year olds aren't?). The problem is, at times, their demands completely clash and I'm having a hard time juggling them. We have a number of issues like this. And I'm always torn about how to handle them. In most of the cases, though, if I know there's NO way I can make them both happy simultaneously, I just pick whichever "side" I think is going to work best and just sort of deal with one child's tantrum.

Unfortunately, that usually means DS is going to get his way more often because when he starts tantruming, you can forget about getting ANYTHING productive done for the next 10-15 minutes. If you ignore his tantrum, he will throw himself at you so you can't ignore him (and let me tell you, that little boy has a HARD head! LOL

) OTOH, DD may cry for a minute or two and then let the issue go.

So to begin with, I've been feeling bad and just wondering if anyone else has had this sort of experience and how they've handled it?

But the real issue at the moment surrounds sleep, so I'm really strung out on it because we have not slept in about a week now. The kids still share a room, and at the moment, it's not practical to move either one to a different room. DS has had sleep issues his whole life, but when he's healthy, he's been relatively good about sleeping for a long while now.

Over the last week, though, he has stopped sleeping through the night - in a big, ugly way (screaming, then not letting us leave again when we come in to check on him). Last night, he woke up around midnight. When I walked in, he plopped right back into his crib and was pretty much content. But every time I got up to leave, he'd start screaming. Some instinct told me to ask him if he'd like the nightlight on. He said yes, so I turned it on and he IMMEDIATELY let me leave the room. And behold, no more wake-ups every 2-3 hours! BUT, his sister (the CHAMPION sleeper) woke up around 5:45 and immediately started yelling NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!!!!!!! I know in the past at bedtime she hasn't wanted the nightlight. So I walked into their room, turned off the nightlight, never said a word, and walked right back out, and she was completely happy (normal wakeup time for a weekday is 6:30 so if had just been up and ready for the day, she would have objected loudly if I had walked right back out again). Another 20 minutes later, and this time, it was DS that started screaming inconsolably. At that point, I was up and ready anyway to get them moving for the day. But still, I think I may now be stuck in a situation that he wants the nightlight and she doesn't.

I AM going to look for a VERY dim nightlight to see if DD can tolerate it. But if not, I have no idea what to do next...

Any suggestions? Thanks all!

tovarena

Thu, Feb 25 2010, 1:24 pm

Isramom8 wrote:

Sleep one on the living room couch? Seriously.

The living room is really out. Their bed time is 7:30ish. Ours is between 11 and midnight. So the lights are on and we have stuff going on. Including a shiur in our home once a week. B'H, both kids have totally picked up the idea of routine. And RARELY will they fall asleep anywhere other than their cribs (or on the nap mats at school).

Twizzlers wrote:

does the actual light in the room bother her? or is it just a mishugas that she wants it off?

I don't know if the light bothers her for real or not. There was one time a few months ago that DS specifically asked for the nightlight to be left on (well, he pointed at it, anyway - they don't speak much yet). She didn't object that time. We left it on, did the nighttime routine, left the room and forgot about it. Almost 2 hours later when we could hear that DD was still up and bouncing around in her crib, we were scratching our head as to why. Sometimes it can take her 30-40 minutes to fall asleep (we only know because she'll happily babble most of that time), but that was crazy, even for her. Until it suddenly struck me that the light was on. I went upstairs, turned it off, and she was quiet in minutes. So it may be real. Or it may be exactly the mishugas of them wanting opposite things. I do sometimes even wonder if they're asking for opposite things davka just to be opposite.

Like one of their other silly things is where I park when I bring them home from school. Until recently, when I came home with them, I would park in the driveway and then after they are in bed, would switch with DH so his car would be in the driveway for morning when he takes them to school. But for whatever reason a few weeks ago, I pulled into the driveway and DS threw an absolute fit insisting that I park "there", pointing to my other parking spot. Well, it's at the end of a dead end, and have practically no traffic down that end of the road, so I figured "What the heck? It's not raining or anything and it does save time this evening that I don't have to move the car." So I parked and the kids happily walked up to the house. But now, each afternoon as we're driving up, they have this screaming match, DD insisting I pull into the driveway, DS insisting I park at the end. What

Go figure toddlers! Scratching Head

Twizzlers wrote:

maybe plug in 2, in 2 different colors, maybe on opposite sides of the room.

Hmmm....maybe worth a try. They do both want to control everything in their little worlds right now, so who knows? It's an interesting experiment at a minimum.

Last edited by tovarena on Thu, Feb 25 2010, 2:11 pm; edited 1 time in total

Kumphort

Thu, Feb 25 2010, 3:10 pm

1. first of all regarding the nite lite look into http://www.getmobi.com/tykelight_glomate.php, they can bring the light into their beds and be in charge of their own lights.

regarding giving in to them, you have to remember that sometimes each kid also needs different things, and if your daughter is more happy go lucky, than you are not being a bad parent, by not always doing what she wants, because she doesnt have as much NEEDS. if you know what I am trying to say.

I have read on other twin boards, but your kids might be a bit young, that they have days that they switch off where the kids are in charge of making decisions, Monday is DS, Tues. is DD, etc.

I think you also need to figure out which things you are going to let your kids decide on, ex. with the parking, while it might not bother you where you park, that's something that you should be deciding, what if it's raining etc, and your son is having a temper tantrum.

I have read that if you give your kids a lot of choices about things where they can choose, ex. which shirt do you want, should I pour the cereal in the bowl first, or the milk in the bowl first, etc, than you tell your kid, OK you made a lot of choices today, now it's my turn to decide.

Good Luck

tovarena

Thu, Feb 25 2010, 3:55 pm

wwmom wrote:

I just wanted to say that your kids antics are cracking me up, they seem so cute, I know it's not funny to you right now, but when this is all done with, and you look back in a few years from now, your gonna have some funny anectdotes to tell them (and their families im'h!)

Thanks

. It's good to be reminded sometimes to keep it in perspective. It's just not easy when you're working on 3-4 hours of sleep a night. But B'H, most of the time, they're happy and smiling and keep us smiling!

Kumphort wrote:

1. first of all regarding the nite lite look into http://www.getmobi.com/tykelight_glomate.php, they can bring the light into their beds and be in charge of their own lights.

That's exactly the one we already have. And even hidden under a pile of sheets or towels with just a bit sticking out, it's too bright. So I doubt having it in their beds would help DD.

Kumphort wrote:

I have read on other twin boards, but your kids might be a bit young, that they have days that they switch off where the kids are in charge of making decisions, Monday is DS, Tues. is DD, etc.

They must be. Because that was my first approach when they started the driveway craziness. But then all I had was double tantrums so I decided that wasn't going to work for us. In general, I do give them a lot of latitude to make decisions. We have a kids' closet downstairs where I keep their school clothes. They get to pick them out each morning. DD is serious about picking her clothes. She stands in front of the closet and peruses her choices. Oy, is it funny. Probably it's glimpses of a teenage DD. LOL

DS, as often as not, will tell me that I should pick his clothes for him. And we have drawers at their height for them to pick their pjs in the evening. We will also allow them some things so as not to create wars. Like if one of them has a particularly cranky night and refuses to go upstairs to the bath, for instance, we let them stay down stairs with the other parent. We figure, what's the worst that's going to happen - they'll be a little dirty? Eh. It's not worth fight.

Kumphort wrote:

I think you also need to figure out which things you are going to let your kids decide on, ex. with the parking, while it might not bother you where you park, that's something that you should be deciding, what if it's raining etc, and your son is having a temper tantrum.

I do have a few places I've drawn lines. I learned very quickly not to give them input in to the main course for dinner. If I did, we'd eat mac and cheese or hot dogs EVERY SINGLE night . No, correction, DD would be eating mac and cheese, and DS would be eating hot dogs - so then I'd be making two dinners, to boot. Tongue Out

In general, we've been very successful with the tactic of giving them two choices for everything. So everything from which toy they'll play with to the consequences of misbehavior (either do <whatever> or you go in time out - we've actually had them choose to go sit in time out before!).

Kumphort wrote:

I have read that if you give your kids a lot of choices about things where they can choose, ex. which shirt do you want, should I pour the cereal in the bowl first, or the milk in the bowl first, etc, than you tell your kid, OK you made a lot of choices today, now it's my turn to decide.

Hmm....I can see that as working for some of the more easy-going kids like DD. But for some others, like DS, that sort of reasoning is just as likely to cause a tantrum as not.