Live in Israel but husbands work in America -- anyone?

amother

Sun, Apr 18 2010, 6:49 pm

My husband and I have been considering Aliya for a while. Currently he has not found work in Israel. He makes an ok salary in America. He threw out the idea that if he worked in America and we lived in Israel the salary would be able to live nicely in Israel (he would live at his parents when not with us -- cutting costs).

Does anyone do this? Does it work? One of the considerations is some type of nanny/paid help during the week. We have a lot of family there so there is a support system. I just don't like the idea od moving my family without really moving my family.

Suggestions, comments...anything please.

Hadassah81

Sun, Apr 18 2010, 9:14 pm

Not to knock those who do it - but how does it affect the children - not to mention the marriage?

I have been away from DH for 3 months to relocate once and it was miserable. I missed him terribly as did the children. It took my then 6yo a moment to realise it was her father when he arrived, and then she broke down sobbing and wouldnt let him go. So yes, we survived and I had next to no help and no car (my neighbour was a sweet old man who would drive me and thekids to school/train in return for challah!!), but would I set it up as a permanent arrangement? No way!! I think a father's influence is needed in a home where possible, I think sometimes we dont give enough credence to the importance of a father in a child's life. But thats JMO.

Sorry if that seemed overly negative, good luck with your decision!

Yakira

Sun, Apr 18 2010, 10:05 pm

hadassah, I think its the length of time that Daddy is away that is the key, not the amounts of time. 3 months is very very different than a week every couple of months. Growing up, it was very common for fathers to stay in the city while their family was up in the country, I think its still done today. I think staying more than a week on a regular basis is too much but a week or so here or there should not be too traumatic, though I would not like it either. I find being away from DH for a night hard!

grace413

Mon, Apr 19 2010, 12:38 am

There are many different types of "commuters" so I'll tell you my experience.

Our original plan was that DH would spend approximately 25% of the time in the States and do his work from here by phone/fax/internet the rest of the time. (It's his own business). We knew that this was the only way we could make aliyah and I was desperate to be here.

The idea was that most of his trips would be 2 weeks. For his busy season, the first year, we decided he would be in the States 6 weeks straight, to save the money on tickets. Big mistake. Our kids were young and it was just too much for him to be away for so long.

After a few years the situation changed and DH wound up being in the States about 2 weeks out of every month. I'm very independent and like my time alone so from that point of view it was ok for me. It was hard for the kids and most all hard for my DH. He felt very lonely, lived in other people's houses not in the greatest conditions sometimes and missed us a lot.

Now B"H he goes 4-5 times a year for 2-3 weeks at a time. His trips are longer to allow him to visit his elderly father who lives in a different city from where the business is. The kids are older, we have a webcam and speak on the phone frequently. On the plus side, I always got all the US goodies I wanted.

We've been in Israel for 10 years now and while it's been difficult at times, both DH and I are glad to be here. Every situation is individual. We are older and there is no way DH would have found suitable employment here. If you are younger, it's a different story. I know people where the DH leaves here on Sunday and comes back Thursday night/Friday morning. I know DH's who dont show up here for months on end, which even I could not cope with.

Good luck making your decision.

slushiemom

Mon, Apr 19 2010, 1:23 am

Tamiri wrote:

Many people do it. Whether or not it works out, and how well, is largely a function of the players involved and the $$$ compensation, of course. A $200K salary to be used in Israel goes a long way towards ensuring happiness LOL

$100K will allow you to live, but not luxuriously.

Really??! I think 100,000 dollars will allow you to live QUITE luxuriously here. That's 30,000 NIS per month, much higher than the average salary here.

amother

Mon, Apr 19 2010, 1:34 am

Tamiri wrote:

$100K will allow you to live, but not luxuriously.

This is an eye opener in to someone's world. Which I was gathering by yesterdays posts. Like not spending less than $100 on a quilt for beds.

$100k a year is by all means wealthy and if you bring that in you should do more than just fine here.!

Tamiri

Mon, Apr 19 2010, 1:42 am

There are taxes, ladies. $100k bruto, not netto. And we don't know how many kids, ages etc. Don't forget where I am coming from: nearing 50, 5 kids, tuitions, teeth etc. I would not think that for us even $120k is good. And don't forget airfare. And not having abba home is going to cost in extra help. Private lessons, etc. Trust me, it's not so much unless they are a very young family without too many expenses.

amother

Mon, Apr 19 2010, 1:47 am

Tamiri wrote:

There are taxes, ladies. $100k bruto, not netto. And we don't know how many kids, ages etc. Don't forget where I am coming from: nearing 50, 5 kids, tuitions, teeth etc.

Even $50k would be a pretty darn good salary. Even if you had 8 kids! We get by on a fraction of that. What's the average Israeli salary....10k nis a month?

Seraph

Mon, Apr 19 2010, 1:47 am

amother wrote:

Sure. My parents did that. Within a year they were divorced.
When people heard they got divorced, they were like "duh, weren't they separated for a year?" People assume bad things if the husband is working in america and family is living in israel.
Just sayin.
(No, that isn't what broke the marriage, but that is what gave my mother the impetus to ask for a divorce, when she saw she managed on her own.)

HindaRochel

Mon, Apr 19 2010, 2:11 am

It could work. Many men commute to the USA for several weeks then come back to Israel.

Much depends on
1. the strength of your marriage.
2. the ages of your children
3. how long during the year you would be apart
4. how long this would continue
5. how good of a support system you would have here in Israel and how much you support you would need.

I've known people who have done it and it has worked. The children are happy, the marriage is strong and they have done well financially. I know others where it didn't work, where the marriage wasn't strong in the first place and could not stand up to the separation.

It is possible and doable. But you have to be honest with yourself about your marriage and your abilities to do it alone in the Israel for weeks or months at a time.

creativemommyto3

Mon, Apr 19 2010, 2:16 am

Seraph wrote:

amother wrote:

Uh, my husband's cousin is a doctor who does this and they are perfectly fine. He calls them all the time and when he is home he helps her a lot. My husband has been working overnite for 7 years now.. it hasn't been easy but we do it.. granted my husband is home in the morning but until 6 months ago he was working in Yerushalayim. Now he is working at home. You have no idea how scary it was for me to wake up one morning while pregnant with blood soaked pj's.. but for the most part I am grateful he has a job and that we are able to live in EY.. Also, for the first year and a half we were still in the US.

chanchy123

Mon, Apr 19 2010, 2:19 am

I know people who live like that too. It's very hard, but it is suitable for some people I guess. As Seraph said, people do assume the couple is either separated or has serious SB issues. But I think for some people it's good, I know people who have been doing this for close to 20 years. I'm not sure their marriage is all that great but for them maybe seeing each other less is what helps make it work - I don't know.
I think as a general rule it's not that great of an idea no matter how great it is financially. IME the children suffer the wife suffers, the husband suffers.
DH has this idea that maybe he'll go be a lawyer in the states for a year or two make big bucks (yes 100-150 K would be major bucks for us) and come back once a month. I hate the idea.
We have neighbors who are in a similar situation and I can see it is H*** for the children. Not to mention I would be lonely and even if I had paid help I don't think I'd be able to function as a single mom by choice.

Seraph

Mon, Apr 19 2010, 2:21 am

creativemommy, I don't know what you're arguing. You're talking apples and oranges.
I'm pashut saying that people assume that a marriage isn't good if the husband is working in the US and the family is in israel. Doesn't mean a marriage is bad, I'm just saying what people assume.
And I'm saying that my parents divorced after a year of that.

HindaRochel

Mon, Apr 19 2010, 2:43 am

Seraph, I think creativemommy misunderstood your post.

Again, there are a lot of factors to consider. There are people who have great marriages and this works wonderfully. It is hard, but everyone does great.

I know one couple where this was the style of their marriage for years. Now that the kids are older and more on their own the parents go away together to the states.

Again, OP, don't base your decision on how others have done. You have to be hard on yourself and analyzing if this will and could work for you. It takes a LOT of work. It means a lot of negotiations.