Hachnosas Kallah-help pay for wedding?

amother

Thu, Jun 17 2010, 12:16 am

What does a parent do when her child is engaged, and there is absolutely no money to pay for the wedding? Are there organizations that will give money-not loan it? I know about organizations like yad batya that help with household stuff, but what about the actual cost of the wedding. Halls are expensive-even the inexpensive places come out to be a minimum of $10,000.
Even if the gowns comes from free gemachs, what about the mens suits? How does one who barely puts food on their table marry off their child today. Without embarrassing their child?

ValleyMom

Thu, Jun 17 2010, 10:29 am

Oh Baaaaarbara... I am grabbing a fire extinguisher...

I agree with you!

A wedding is a PARTY... The young couple have their ENTIRE lives ahead of them.

Getting married does not mean spending money you don't have and beginning a new life together with massive debt. That is simply foolish.

Have a dessert reception in a friends back yard. Fill your Ipod with good music and dance!
If you want to be decadent ( a few hundred dollars versus 10 grand...) hire a nice coffee cart to make iced blended or Latte's!

amother

Thu, Jun 17 2010, 10:34 am

Barbara wrote:

Donning my flameproof suit, but WADR, if you can't afford it, you should not host a $10,000 wedding. Its one evening out of the hopefully thousands that the young couple will spend together. Have a quiet ceremony for immediate family at the shul, and leave it at that.

I would, but there are other people besides ME to consider-like the Kallah the Chosson, and the other family. If I say that I can't/won't pay for anything more than a small shul ceremony, how do you think the relationship between the 2 sides will be? We should start out with animosity?

Raisin

Thu, Jun 17 2010, 10:46 am

I don't know if a wedding in a backyard is going to work, but if you are very very creative maybe you can do on a smaller budget. for ex hire a shul hall, do a very simple menu or do it buffet style. no live music, get a volunteer video guy, have a photographer only for chassan kalla and family groups and have family members or friends take of the rest of the wedding. Someone I know did a summer wedding and a friend with a big house lent them the garden. It was beautiful.

Talk to the other side, I don't think you ned to be embarrassed, and see what you can agree on. maybe if they think it is important to spend a lot they can pay more. A lot of families go half/half so they might be happy not to have to spend so much. Or maybe they will agree to pay more if they can afford it.

btw I have seen open warfare between mechutanim over much worse issues then how fancy the wedding is going to be and guess what? the couple is happily married and the 2 sides don't really need to talk to each other again.

if you pm theweddingplaner on this site maybe she can help you. She is the person I was talking about in crown heights. No idea if she helps ppl out of ch but maybe she can give you good ideas - she has all the contacts with bands, halls, caterers etc.

amother

Thu, Jun 17 2010, 11:34 am

amother wrote:

Barbara wrote:

Don't worry, you're not alone, in your attitude and situation. Let's daven for each other.
Ok, so not a 10k wedding. You can do at Bais Faiga for a k or two less. But it still has to be done. And this is with gowns from gemachs that are truly gemachs, a generous shower, the kids buying a LOT for themselves and support not even an option. There are still some minimums, and we have been advised by good rebbetzins that we're not in Europe anymore, just get the kids married and we'll help you with a bekovodik (albeit as modest as possible) simcha. Still waiting...

alpidarkomama

Thu, Jun 17 2010, 2:34 pm

Barbara wrote:

Or have it in a park. Have a small-ish guest list. Ask a bunch of friends to help make food. Make it a brunch or light lunch instead of a dinner. I've been to several weddings like this and they were at least as lovely as the more expensive ones. If the other side has more resources and they'd like to make it a fancier party, then welcome that warmly. More and more people are starting to work within the resources they have rather than overextending themselves and falling deeper and deeper into debt. If the chosson/kallah can do this from the get-go also, they'll be in great financial shape, no matter their income. (Speaking as someone from a very-medium-sized single-income family, who had a very medium-sized, frugal wedding that was one of the best days of her life...) Smile

PinkFridge

Thu, Jun 17 2010, 2:37 pm

alpidarkomama wrote:

Barbara wrote:

Was your wedding in an out of the box place?

Tamiri

Thu, Jun 17 2010, 2:38 pm

amother wrote:

If once side can't pay then the other side has to cover. If they can't afford something lavish, then a small-do will have to suffice. If this will cause a rift between the families, how good can they really be?
And I say this because I have friends whose children married into situations like this. They toned down the weddings, made what they could afford, and all parties involved are on fabulous terms. My friends are bnai Melachim!

mummiedearest

Thu, Jun 17 2010, 8:46 pm

op,

the chosson/kallah (whichever is the child of the parents we speak of) should already know the situation. speaking as a young woman, I would have hated to have a lavish wedding knowing my parents couldn't afford it. some single adults save up for a few years, knowing that they will have to pay for their own weddings. one of the most beautiful weddings I've ever been to was really small.

I always told my parent that all I wanted at my wedding was a chuppah, a chosson, a mesader kedushin and two eidim. a minyan would be nice, but not necessary. they thought I was nuts. but that's all you need. the chosson doesn't even have to buy a ring, he can BORROW it.

be open with your mechutanim. tell them your financial situation. explain that you don't want to lessen the simcha, but you just can't afford it. many people who make these weddings really can't afford it. there is nothing terrible about not spending multiple thousands of dollars on a party. make sure you're involved in the planning as much as possible in a cheerful manner. make sure everyone knows how happy you are about the wedding. this is a wonderful time to work on a relationship with the future in-laws.

good luck, and mazal tov. much nachas.

Barbara

Thu, Jun 17 2010, 9:09 pm

PinkFridge wrote:

alpidarkomama wrote:

Barbara wrote:

Was your wedding in an out of the box place?

We were married in a shul, and had the seuda at the shul's social hall. Adjusted for inflation, the entirety of my wedding -- dress, flowers, band, food, rabbi -- cost less than what the OP says she intends to spend for a hall.

I know I'm from a different culture of sorts, but I cannot imagine anyone requesting tzedaka for what amounts to a party. I can't imagine giving it, either. Sorry.

amother

Thu, Jun 17 2010, 9:22 pm

Barbara wrote:

PinkFridge wrote:

alpidarkomama wrote:

Barbara wrote:

Was your wedding in an out of the box place?

Thats great, and I applaud your frugality. If I made the wedding where we live, A caterer would cost a fortune as we would have to import one, there would be no dance floor as there is no place big enough, and unfortunately, the halls I am talking about are not lavish-we are looking into the cheapest places around. A one man band, free gemach centerpieces, no payment to the Rabbi, not inviting most of my cousins or friends, friends doing makeup and hair, etc. I resent the word "lavish". And there are many other things going on in our lives that I cannot cook the seuda myself.

As for tzedakah-its called hachnosas kallah, mesameyach chosson vekallah.

amother

Thu, Jun 17 2010, 9:28 pm

amother wrote:

Barbara wrote:

Thank you for understanding. A kallah who lives in america, and goes to many weddings, will feel very bad if her wedding is clearly shvach. As for bais faiga-it would come out more expensive as most of my cousins live there and would come. Fewer will travel to brooklyn Confused

so I would save at that end. My tefillos will be with you too.