Hachnosas Kallah-help pay for wedding?

Chocoholic

Thu, Jun 17 2010, 9:31 pm

amother wrote:

Thats great, and I applaud your frugality. If I made the wedding where we live, A caterer would cost a fortune as we would have to import one, there would be no dance floor as there is no place big enough, and unfortunately, the halls I am talking about are not lavish-we are looking into the cheapest places around. A one man band, free gemach centerpieces, no payment to the Rabbi, not inviting most of my cousins or friends, friends doing makeup and hair, etc. I resent the word "lavish". And there are many other things going on in our lives that I cannot cook the seuda myself.

As for tzedakah-its called hachnosas kallah, mesameyach chosson vekallah.

I think "even" a wedding like that is lavish if you can't even afford a gown from a gown-gemach, IYKWIM

I think it is a little unfair to expect people to cough up everything for free (and not some assistence here or there, or payment plans), where most people have saved up for for years (>10k is not a small amount of money!).

ROFL

Thu, Jun 17 2010, 10:48 pm

I am sorry to ask you this. But did you think what would happen when your child started dating? What did you expect to happen? Didn't you know that you would need money for a wedding?
My DD got married after seeing her friends weddings in expensive places (like marina del ray etc). She looked at some country club places (for over 125 per PERSON ) and then got married in brooklyn for a fraction of that price. She knew we did not have the funds. She also knew she could not invite all the friends she had from HS and sem
She went from a list of over 70 friends to 20 good friends that we could afford to invite
And yes while I could have put together a list of 300 nearest and dearest to invite a wedding of 150 people (both sides) was beautiful too and everyone was happy.

So while my DD did not get her " dream princess type wedding" she told me not to worry because she got her dream prince and that is what counts. Smile

Last edited by ROFL on Thu, Jun 17 2010, 10:51 pm; edited 1 time in total

yummymummy

Thu, Jun 17 2010, 10:51 pm

The scope of the mitzvah of hachnosas kallah includes: bringing the bride to her chupah, as in actually escorting her, making the occasion happy for her, and assuring that she has all that she needs to begin married life.

No one is suggesting that we must underwrite a grand party for thousands but OP was looking for help funding a modest simcha in keeping with the minimum standards of her community. While the suggestions for weddings in parks, shuls or other non traditional locations might be appropriate for some, I can certainly understand why OP would want to provide her daughter with a similar (though scaled down) wedding to those of her friends and I think that donating to such a cause would be a wonderful way to fulfill this great mitzvah.

PinkFridge

Fri, Jun 18 2010, 7:35 am

ROFL wrote:

A fraction of the price is still pushing $10,000, I assume, which is problematic to many here.

Raisin

Fri, Jun 18 2010, 9:49 am

Barbara wrote:

PinkFridge wrote:

alpidarkomama wrote:

Barbara wrote:

Donning my flameproof suit, but WADR, if you can't afford it, you should not host a $10,000 wedding. Its one evening out of the hopefully thousands that the young couple will spend together. Have a quiet ceremony for immediate family at the shul, and leave it at that.

Or have it in a park. Have a small-ish guest list. Ask a bunch of friends to help make food. Make it a brunch or light lunch instead of a dinner. I've been to several weddings like this and they were at least as lovely as the more expensive ones. If the other side has more resources and they'd like to make it a fancier party, then welcome that warmly. More and more people are starting to work within the resources they have rather than overextending themselves and falling deeper and deeper into debt. If the chosson/kallah can do this from the get-go also, they'll be in great financial shape, no matter their income. (Speaking as someone from a very-medium-sized single-income family, who had a very medium-sized, frugal wedding that was one of the best days of her life...) Smile

Was your wedding in an out of the box place?

We were married in a shul, and had the seuda at the shul's social hall. Adjusted for inflation, the entirety of my wedding -- dress, flowers, band, food, rabbi -- cost less than what the OP says she intends to spend for a hall.

I know I'm from a different culture of sorts, but I cannot imagine anyone requesting tzedaka for what amounts to a party. I can't imagine giving it, either. Sorry.

barbara, I think she means the $10,000 is including food. And you can get flower arrangements and dresses from a gemach.

saw50st8

Fri, Jun 18 2010, 9:57 am

I would have happily had a small wedding. I wanted to bring our immediate families to a shul in Europe and get married there. DH didnt want to.

We eloped in Vegas instead.

Seriously though, don't spend $10,000 on a wedding you obviously cannot afford. Talk with your daughter, talk to the other side and figure out how much you can afford. Then figure out how to make a wedding on that amount.

amother

Fri, Jun 18 2010, 2:48 pm

Did not read all posts

There is a difference between having a lavish wedding and having a normal or even toned down wedding.

I will use myself as an example.

My parents have no money. we live in a community in america not the east coast. They go to the chessed organization in our city for help with everything. I knew that. They even declered bankruptcy that went thru right around when I got married. Everything for my wedding was paid for by the community's hachnosas kalla organization. We cut corners right and left. got the best deals that we could. However the cheapest wedding hall (and the one that the rabbi who is head of the chessed and tzeddakah vaad told us to go to) had a minimum price of 10,000. and they were paid exactly that. The shuls were not an option because no one gets married in shuls here and there is no shul large enough to seat just family and when the rav heard we were CONSIDERING the shul he said only if the kalla is 100% ok with using the shul and only if the parents are ok with it and only if the kalla will be ok with it if her sisters dont have it there (there is something about setting standards within the family.) my mother wasnt so ok with it and then we saw taht the shul was to small anyways.
We cut corners right and left. But in the end no one KNEW we were having a tzeddaka wedding. (unless otherwise informed) we just did things differently- only had meals and seats for family (who all came from out of town)- everyone else was buffet and teh cheapest we could manage- no fancy stuff- we had teh crashers meal- chicken nuggets.

I didnt have a "regu;ar" wedding but it was wonderful and as cheap as we could pull it off. no one in the family was embarrased and tahts one of the requirements for tzeddaka.

I am still (and always will be) immensely grateful to those who paid- I dunno who they are. My wedding was wonderful and everyone was happy. and inreturn I try to make my marriage worth it and with nachas to al lof klal yisroel. I also give all my tzeddaka to this organization.

amother

Fri, Jun 18 2010, 2:53 pm

ROFL wrote:

When DD started dating, DH was healthy and working. Finances were a struggle, but I knew that if I borrowed for a wedding, I would be able to pay it back. Since then D"H has had a major illness and is still recovering. He is unable to work, and the struggle has gotten much harder. Should I have told DD to stop dating? do girls from families with little money not get married?

As for $10,000, that is about what we need from both sides, so our part is less-but still I need to find it.

amother

Fri, Jun 18 2010, 3:36 pm

amother wrote:

ROFL wrote:

Not anymore. This isn't Europe.

amother

Fri, Jun 18 2010, 3:46 pm

amother wrote:

A kallah who lives in america, and goes to many weddings, will feel very bad if her wedding is clearly shvach.

I was married in the girls' high school cafeteria. My kallah chair was a folding chair with a white sheet thrown over it. It was a simple but very happy chassana. Years later, people still comment on how lebedig and special it was--and mention the simplicity as being part of it.

I had no parents to help me, but I felt bad for every penny I had to ask of my ILs and others and tried hard to keep the expenses to a minimum. Even now, looking back, I see even more places where I could have cut corners. I would think a loving daughter would feel more horrible if her parents were stressed to the point of illness or bankruptcy over the chassana.

yummymummy

Fri, Jun 18 2010, 3:58 pm

amother wrote:

A kallah who lives in america, and goes to many weddings, will feel very bad if her wedding is clearly shvach.

OP mentioned that her husband was ill and recovering, NOT that her daughters impending marriage was the cause of that illness. I do not believe the two are related.

amother

Fri, Jun 18 2010, 4:05 pm

amother wrote:

ROFL wrote:

When DD started dating, DH was healthy and working. Finances were a struggle, but I knew that if I borrowed for a wedding, I would be able to pay it back. [b]Since then D"H has had a major illness and is still recovering. He is unable to work, and the struggle has gotten much harder[/b]. Should I have told DD to stop dating? do girls from families with little money not get married?

As for $10,000, that is about what we need from both sides, so our part is less-but still I need to find it.

I am so sorry that you are going through this terrible hardship, I cannot believe that you had to feel then need to give that level of information it must have been difficult for you.
Of course your daughter deserves a decent wedding a wedding decent by the level of the society that YOU live in not the society of others.

I hope and pray that all those people who have been judging and questioning the op about saving/wedding funds etc etc always have enough to see them through whatever G-d has in store (and let's hope it only always good).
Man plans and G-d laughs............

OP wishing your husband a full and speedy recovery, your daughter should have a beautiful wedding and you should onlyhave simachas and brochos from now on.

yummymummy

Fri, Jun 18 2010, 4:07 pm

amother wrote:

I wasn't referencing her husband at all, sorry if I was unclear in some way. I was referring to the intense stress and pressure to the point of illness that has happened unfortunately many times due to the money alone.

Ah, point well taken. That's why I believe that it is so important to support hachnosas kallah organizations. Since OP mentioned that she is having trouble putting food on her table she would probably not be able to afford any chasunah. I hope one of the many hachnosas kallah organizations out there (I mentioned two, perhaps others know of additional ones) can help her.

amother

Fri, Jun 18 2010, 4:59 pm

This is from a bio about Devorah Benjamin, who runs an organization to help make wedding in Crown Heights:

"The era: the early 1950's. The chuppah uniting a young bride and groom was taking place outside of 770 Eastern Parkway, Brooklyn. The Lubavitcher Rebbe happened to be in his office, as he was during so many chuppahs. But this time was different. The Rebbe looked up from his work suddenly and asked his secretary, Rabbi Leibel Groner, "Why don't I hear any musicians playing at the wedding outside?" Rabbi Groner replied, "Both the bride and groom come from especially poor families. They probably couldn't afford to hire musicians." Upon hearing this, the Rebbe told Rabbi Groner in an urgent voice, "Quickly! Run out and hire a band for these people, and send me the bill. But you must not reveal to anyone the source of the money!" As Brooklyn's Jewish population has seen monumental growth since the 1950s, the numbers of needy brides and groom have grown as well. Enter, MRS. DEVORA BENJAMIN Fifteen years ago Devorah took it upon herself to personally assist young people without parents or without money, to get married. At that time she established Keren Simchas Chosson V'Kallah (KSCVK), the Fund to Bring Joy to the Groom and Bride. Her mission: to go beyond a cookie-cutter approach and help each couple according to their own unique situation, from the first date through the last Mazel Tov at the end of the wedding. KSCVK enables couples to get married with dignity and, insofar as possible, makes their wedding dreams come true."

Parents should cut corners as much as they can for a wedding they can't afford, BUT it is still a mitzva to be mesameach chassan vekalla- that means others giving money for making a wedding that is similar to a degree to ones that occur in that community. And for those whose communities have simpler standards, it is unfair to compare.

ROFL

Mon, Jun 21 2010, 11:52 am

PinkFridge wrote:

ROFL wrote:

A fraction of the price is still pushing $10,000, I assume, which is problematic to many here.

Just want to clarify that we did a wedding for much less that $10000-- including flowers band food and pcis !!! what I feel is important is to do a wedding in a very Mkebud way -- but not to go over board !
I think there are appropriate ways to cut and WE as a community should try to see that we all simplify our weddings !