Eating and DisciplineIssues

amother

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 10:23 am

My ds is a wonderful, happy kid - almost all of the time. There are three main exceptions to that rule - bathtime, bedtime, and mealtime. At these three times he usually turns into a screaming, crying, angry kid.

My dh is much less likely to put his foot down than I am. He'll constantly try distractions, making things into games, explaining things again and again...and it drives me crazy. Sure, I try these techniques sometimes too - before things go wrong. But once I've said, "Look, ds! Meatballs and rice for dinner!" and he's eaten half of his plate happily and then started to scream "I WANT SOMETHING ELSE!!!! NOOOOO MEATBALLS!!!!" my attitude is to just say again and again, "Dinner is meatballs, rice, and red peppers. Please let me know what you'd like more of. Or if you want, you could just go and play now." And eventually, if he's really out of control, I just say "Okay, it looks like you're done, since you're not telling me you want to eat anything else. Time to come out!" and I take him out of the high chair, while he screams and screams "I DON'T WANT MEATBALLS! I WANT SOMETHING ELSE!"

So my dh and I talked about it, and we're finally on the same page in that we're going to try being extremely consistent with this. I'm not making him separate meals every night, I'm not going to offer him an alternative food from the pantry if I know he's happily eaten the dinner food before, and there will not be "something else." Eventually, he'll have to learn, right?

But my dh is getting cold feet. Last night, he went to bed after eating half a (small) plate of meatballs and a few handfuls of rice. He normally used to eat a LOT - like three or four plates of meatballs and plenty of rice, plus hopefully a few pepper slices. We told him once or twice while he was playing afterwards "There are still meatballs if you want, but you'll have to eat them soon because it's almost bedtime" which would lead to outbursts of "NOOO WANT SOMETHING ELSE!" all over again, but we felt it was only fair to keep giving him the option. And then, predictably, at bedtime, he started saying "I'm hungry, my tummy is empty" and crying (remember, this is one of the other horrible times). He finally went to sleep last night, although not happily, woke up earlier than usual this morning and as soon as he came out asked for food. He then proceeded to eat about three times what he usually does for breakfast.

So dh says fine, we can do this for about a week. If it takes longer than that, we'll need to reconsider. We can't starve the kid every night!

I don't think this is "starving the kid." This is allowing the kid to make his own choices and learn from them. Dh's answer was "I'm fine with doing this for a week. Then we'll discuss again."

Am I crazy in believing that if it takes several weeks to do this, it's worth it? Or am I a horrible mother who is starving her kid? It's not like we're refusing to give him food at dinnertime - he's just choosing not to eat it.

amother

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 10:30 am

P.S. Ds is 2 1/4. He used to like all sorts of food, but now has gotten this thing in his head that he wants "something else" or "special treat" - all the time. I think it started mostly over yom tov when we were at both grandparents house and there was always plenty to choose from. Now we're home again and I'm just willing to give him fifteen different foods every meal. He says he wants something, takes two bites of it, and then wants "something else" again.

There are so many reasons that I think this is not something we should encourage, which is why I'm all for continuing on this way until he realizes that you eat what's for dinner, and there's no "something else."

Chayalle

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 10:34 am

Kids go thru many changes, so something they used to like and eat alot of, they suddenly don't like.

I found this to be true with each of my kids, including my foster son (so it's not just our genes). My DD, for example, until recently loved chulent. I'd make it Friday morning and she'd have a bowl before Shabbos, and Shabbos morning, and Shabbos afternoon, and Sunday night.....it was such a breeze having something filling and healthy to serve her.

Well the party's over...she now refuses to touch chulent.

I have this with them all, all the time. There's a supper they really like, and then suddenly they don't want it. A couple of months go by, and they want it again. And the less I fight them, the less resistant they are.

I believe that choices should include alternatives, especially since their tastes change. However the choices should not complicate life for you too much.

So if my kids don't like what's for supper, they can have a simple alternative choice. For example, a bowl of cheerios and milk (yes I'd much rather they eat meatballs and rice but nothing will happen to them if they have cheerios for dinner once in a while or for as long as the phase lasts which usually isn't much, when it's their choice), a slice of bread with spread (cream cheese, peanut butter, etc...), stuff like that that I don't have to start preparing something else, but they get to choose something they'd rather have that fills them.

Hatzlacha

zigi

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 10:35 am

its not like he isn't anything at all, just less. he is eating during the other meals right? if its gets to be a routine, the food is put on the table he gets served and he eats what he wants from it.

its not like you are giving food that he really hates, if he usually eats it he will get used to the new system.

my kids like pizza and hot dogs obviously we can't eat it every night tonight is meat soup. I serve them and they eat what they want from the bowls. I do have bread as a default. or some nights dd will only eat the starch. and then the other nights she will eat everything.

Chayalle

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 10:38 am

amother wrote:

If you do decide to offer alternatives, I wouldn't allow too many options...just one or two simple alternatives. Especially at that age, too many choices just leads him to feeling overwhelmed and confused, and floods his brain with too many feelings he can't deal with, leading to tantrums, etc....

amother

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 10:48 am

Chayalle wrote:

I found this to be true with each of my kids, including my foster son (so it's not just our genes). My DD, for example, until recently loved chulent. I'd make it Friday morning and she'd have a bowl before Shabbos, and Shabbos morning, and Shabbos afternoon, and Sunday night.....it was such a breeze having something filling and healthy to serve her.

Well the party's over...she now refuses to touch chulent.

My son did just this! (OP here.) But it's not like he suddenly hates meatballs. As I said, he ate half a plate of meatballs very happily. Until he got into his head that he wants "something else!" He usually likes plain rice too, but refused to eat it last night because "it hurts my mouth" (he had strep recently, when things really did hurt his mouth...but rice?) But anyway, if it was just meatballs that was the problem, then yes, I would just stop serving meatballs. But it's ALL the foods he used to eat - besides noodles, pizza, and crackers. And I refuse to make him noodles and pizza every night. And crackers are often his lunch - should I really give him crackers every day for lunch and dinner if that's what he wants?

I think I was spoiled because he used to eat so many things. Now he still likes those things - I know, because when he's in the mood he'll eat plenty of them, very happily. But that's happening less and less these days. His old favorites - yogurt, meatballs, chicken, chulent, rice, sandwiches - they all went out the window over the course of a few weeks. But I think the main thing is that he just decided that if he asks for long enough he'll get something he likes even MORE than that. Which is the attitude I don't want to encourage.

For example, I once gave him animal crackers for breakfast as a special Shabbos treat (instead of his normal Cheerios or Chex). I figured it's not much worse than sugar cereal, which we don't buy, so why not? So now every day he whines that he wants Animal Crackers. I made him tuna fish with crackers this past Sunday and we had them outside on a "picnic." For dinner that night he threw a tantrum because he wanted a picnic again, and wanted to eat tuna and crackers again...and then the next day he threw the same tantrum again...and this morning before he went off to preschool he complained to me that they don't have tuna and crackers in school...so he doesn't want to go to school.

I love him, really I do. But this food thing is driving me up the wall. Could you tell? Wink

amother

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 10:51 am

zigi wrote:

That is exactly my mentality. Maybe I'll use bread as a default too. I haven't given him bread for a while. He used to like it, but now I'm not sure he likes ANYTHING anymore.

As you said, just because kids like pizza and hotdogs doesn't mean that what you're going to make for dinner every night.

Chayalle

Tue, Oct 26 2010, 10:54 am

Sounds like he's just testing the waters....he's at the age where limits are the new concept, and he wants to see if you will give him treats and priveleges all the time. In this case, I'd put my foot down.

If he seems to want a simple choice - like a peanut butter sandwich for supper in place of the meatballs - then I'd say fine, you can make a food choice. But if he starts yelling for other stuff which is not in the menu or even on the choice list, but was a treat he got for Shabbos or special time, I'd just calmly inform him that we aren't having that right now - maybe sympathize and say I know you like that maybe next Shabbos - but be calm and firm and that's it.