Your Biggest Adjustment to Jr.

amother

Tue, Nov 09 2010, 4:34 pm

What was your biggest adjustment when you had your first baby?
What is your advice for dealing with those issues?

I am expecting my first and very nervous. I know very little about babies, I like my space, I am not all maternal and ga-ga over infants, value my time, sleep and privacy... so some practical tips, here! TIA

CTSunshine

Tue, Nov 09 2010, 4:48 pm

For me the biggest adjustment was functioning on very little sleep.

I was exhausted all the time... In the beginning, I thought I could do everything, and when she would nap, would use that time for laundry, dishes, cleaning, dinner, etc. I was falling apart, living on a few scattered hours of sleep every night.

Then I took my husbands very good advice, and napped, or just lay down to unwind and 'recharge' everytime she was sleeping. Worth the messy house, trust me!

Few pieces of advice:

Nap when baby is napping.
If someone offers to help you with something, dont feel bad to say yes...
This too shall pass, it will get easier - - you WILL get your life back to a normal schedule.
Make your life as simple as possible - - easy dinners, or takeout for the first few weeks/months is a lifesaver.

Good luck!!

ora_43

Tue, Nov 09 2010, 5:42 pm

My biggest adjustment was slowing down. Babies and kids need a lot of "together time" that's not spent doing anything in particular. Usually I hate not doing anything in particular, but I learned to tolerate it.

BTW I knew very little about babies and was not very maternal in the ga-ga over infants sense, but things went fine (OK except for baby's first bath, which was terrifying for all involved). I didn't feel any special transition from "not mother" to "mother," either. But BH things were fine and before long it was totally normal having this new (small, kvetchy, funny, needy) person in my life.

sunny90

Tue, Nov 09 2010, 6:16 pm

This is probably not helpful, but just the BABY was a huge adjustment! The fact that I was not free to sleep on Shabbos afternoon; that I would base how my day was on how much the baby had slept; that every time I think I have it figured out, something changes; that every single decision in my life is now dependent on my son!
But you forget all that when they smile when they see you, when they put their head down on your shoulder, when you see them start to interact with and understand the world around them...
My biggest piece of advice to you (which I'm still giving myself) is: Take it as it comes. Enjoy each stage; every phase in their life has its own challenges and rewards, don't think when they get older it will be easier and you just have to get through this age, because it won't necessarily and you'll look back and wished you enjoyed them more when they were tiny and cuddly and didn't tear apart your kitchen cabinets Wink

, their night wakings notwithstanding! Then I suppose they'll be teenagers and you'll be looking back at the kitchen cabinet days fondly What

Good luck! This is the most difficult yet rewarding thing you will ever do!

Hashemlovesme

Tue, Nov 09 2010, 6:58 pm

I remember coming home late one night totally exhausted & thinking "I'm gunna crawl into bed & sleep till 10am!" then correcting myself & thinking "I'm gunna sleep till dd wakes up!"

I second CT's advice (esp about taking other up on their offers & keeping food simple/ use disposable!) & ora's advice about catching a nap instead of trying to be superwoman..

newmommy1

Tue, Nov 09 2010, 7:20 pm

I think the biggest adjustment for me was the feeling that my life is now totally controlled by someone else. Also, was hard to deal with the lack of sleep.

These are probably not the best things to tell a mother-to-be but I hope that, at least, if you do have these sorts of feelings, you won't feel like you're the only person going through it. But now, my baby is older and things are a lot better!

Everyone's given really good advice. I would add that if you're in a community where people will make meals for you, arrange the "meal rotation co-ordinator" ahead of time - I found the offers of help came right away and then sort of putter out. So, it's good to be organized in that sense and you'll be able to give people the info on the spot. Also, if you don't have a lot of experience with babies, use this time to learn all about them! I found reading Baby Whisperer very helpful. You don't have to follow her method - there are tons of books out there just go to a bookstore/library and browse through them. And, just to let you know, I'm also not such a ga-ga type of person, it took me 6 weeks until I felt bonded to my baby.

TWINNY

Wed, Nov 10 2010, 9:33 am

The fact that I'm just not in control of how to set my day the way I want. For example; recently I was all ready to go out. I was in my coat, baby was bundled up. As I was putting him into the carriage he made a dirty diaper. I had to undress us, change him, redress us....We left the house later than intended...came home later....
Everything takes much longer w/ a baby.

Also, that he kind of takes away time when dh is home for supper. Dh is in kollel all day, and goes back at night. We used to spend suppertime leisurely, eating, then lounging on the couch. Well some times baby wants to be fed NOW, or just wants to be held...and before I know it, Dh needs to leave the house already...

bdot

Wed, Nov 10 2010, 11:30 am

I had a very hard time adjusting to my first child-- some things I wish I had known before having him:

-- the newborn period with no sleep, schedule, etc- doesnt last forever!! (neither does that yummy stage where they cuddle up and smush up to you) and 4-6 weeks into it, they start smiling Smile

--you're not a bad mother if you dont hold your baby all day and all night
-- the reality is that babies need to be fed at night-- I found it helpful with dc #2 to have some kind of company available-- be it a video/tv, internet, or calling a friend in israel, or having a bunch of good books/ magazines on hand

it does take effort to get the "me" time, but work together with your husband to make sure you get the time alone that you deserve

good luck and feel good! Smile

the world's best mom

Wed, Nov 10 2010, 1:18 pm

Just to scare you some more, this is a poem I wrote when ds was about 2 months old:

Baby’s First Smile
I rock you and I change you,
And I must put you to sleep,
But every time I put you down,
You wake up and you weep.

I nurse you and I burp you,
And I wonder why I bother.
Why would someone want to be?
A mother or a father?

I’m tired and I’m hungry,
I’ve no time to sleep or eat.
I take care of my baby,
Though I’m falling off my feet.

And then the moment comes
That I’ve been waiting for a while,
I lay you down to change you,
And you offer me a smile!

I look down at your face
While the greatest pleasure I bear,
Your big, blue eyes are glowing
With a grin from ear to ear.

So this is why we do it!
My pay-back time is here!
My heart just melts, my life is good,
I have nothing to fear.

the world's best mom

Wed, Nov 10 2010, 1:23 pm

Just a note: I wrote that poem because ds was the WORST baby ever! But when he stopped crying, he did smile and it was precious to watch. Most babies are not as difficult as he was.

Tips to cope:

-Schedule me time at least once a week. I used to go to a weekly Shiur- an hour to myself at bedtime, once a week. It was great.

-nap with your baby. You can do this easily with your first kid. it's not always possible when you have more than one.

-Enjoy him/her! Babies are yummy. When they smile, you forget all your anger that you may have felt towards him and you just want to hug the baby. Cherish these moments.

Nomad

Wed, Nov 10 2010, 3:06 pm

OP I agree with all the posters above...I was in the same boat as you and something I want to stress is - if you dont feel "bonded" to your baby right away, thats okay. I thought there was something wrong with me that it took me a LOOONG time before I really felt bonded to him and then found out later that this is totally normal and shouldnt feel bad.