Gifted forum- offensive? One upmanship?

saw50st8

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 9:56 am

My only problem with a closed forum is that I'm not 100% sure I fit in (I technically qualify for Mensa - does that mean I fit in?), but I would want to read the posts. My oldest son seems very smart in many ways and I remember how utterly bored I was in school. His daycare does a lot of one on one learning with him so he gets stimulation at his level, but as he gets older and moves into real school, I'm afraid of him having my learning experiences. I would love to learn from people to preemptively prevent issues.

amother

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 10:01 am

I'm the OP of the original gifted thread...

How about a mean people's forum? Judging from all the nastiness going on these boards I think it's sorely needed.

Topics can include: invalidation/mocking of people's needs and concerns, being holier than thou, not letting your children play with kids you deem to be not up to your "standards", flaming with style, stylish put downs, a former school bullies reunion thread, a subforum just for lashon hara etc... Rolling Eyes

No one has said that we need a forum because our kids are superior. We need a forum because we are being attacked, mocked and put down.

I never expected this response. I admit I may have been a bit over the top in my original post, but I was really elated and excited. Although nothing I said was untrue or distorted. I honestly thought two people would give me advice and that would be it. I never meant to hurt anyone's feelings or make anyone angry.

small bean

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 10:14 am

amother wrote:

how do you feel your being mocked and put down?

sandyb

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 10:25 am

It is just so interesting to me that it seems like so many people jumped on the gifted threads mocking, accusing, etc but when it comes down to the vote, a vast majority of posters say they totally wouldn't be bothered by the thought of a private forum. Are the mocking posters simply more vocal?

There is a reason though that I think others with non-gifted children can benefit from seeing the forum. 1- For the regular, sensitive to others kind of people it is always helpful to understand people that are different than them/their children. They can thereby teach their children why not to be jealous of these children and how to be their friend despite some social awkwardness these kids may have.

2- There are many people who deal with the same issues on a lesser extent and could benefit from seeing what mothers of gifted children have to say. Take my son for example, he is 4 1/2 just learning to read. He is a very bright child with a fantastic memory. I do not think he is anywhere near gifted. Still he is reading twice as fast as the next best kid in the class, and according to his rebbe is extremely understanding. Everything that pertains to the boredom gifted children have may eventually be somewhat applicable to my kid. I would love to see what worked for these kids and then maybe if I have to implement a fraction of these solutions somewhere down the road, I will have some ideas at the tip of my finger.

Maybe a safe haven with amother disabled would work? And any bashing poster gets banned?

Seraph

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 10:34 am

sandyb wrote:

But what you're not getting is based on what happened here, no one with half a brain would post anything on a topic related to gifted kids here. They'd just chose not to post, knowing how much we're all hated.

amother

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 11:00 am

amother wrote:

I think the term gifted makes it sound oneupmaship-like. In the term it doesn't sound like one is saying, my kid is bright in verbal skills but lacks x, y, and z and it is so hard for me to integrate him because yadadada. What gifted sounds like is my kid is brilliant. Period.
I also think gifted parents, if they have such problems, should be trying on integrating their kids rather than giving them a separate label from other kids, thereby giving them permission to be more different. Just like if my kid is great at math I don't call them a math whiz repeatedly. They can still be normal kids regardless.

Here's my problem.

In my real life -- and I certainly cannot comment on posters here -- most people who claim that their kids are gifted are seriously mistaken. Example, DS1 has 2 friends whose parents both believe that their kids are profoundly gifted and so far advanced academically that their sons cannot even communicate with my son. One of these boys regularly calls my son *stupid,* something he clearly heard from his mother. (He's stopped this now that its been made clear that the next time he calls anyone stupid in my home, he will have to leave, and will not be invited back.) But when I speak with these boys, its clear that while they're bright, they're not extraordinary. In fact, in many areas, DS1 -- who has learning differences and at times struggles academically -- is more advanced than these kids. (And there is yet another boy, a friend of DS2, whose mother repeatedly tells me how difficult it is for her son given that he is profoundly gifted. He's a lovely boy, but he either hides his intelligence well or isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.)

So if people are discussing kids who are truly profoundly gifted, like the kid who finished a challenging high school curriculum at age 10, and who can intelligently discuss the themes of Beowulf when his peers are reading Matt Christopher, then I can see the need of the forum.

If we're talking about a kid who taught himself to read or write at age 3 or 4, that is well within normal
range.

There is a real danger of hubris in a forum for people whose children are self-described at *gifted*

In sum, if you want such a forum, enjoy. Me, I'm going to find a screening of Race to Nowhere, and mourn the 13 year old girl who committed suicide because she didn't get an A on her math test.

Anonymous because I have discussed children other than my own.

Barbara

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 11:11 am

Seraph wrote:

I know I'm gonna tick off someone by saying this, but how is it any different than saying "Special Ed?" You're saying your kid is special! What makes YOUR kid more SPECIAL than mine? How is that not "better than thou"?

Oh, please. You're really diminishing your argument by making this type of disingenuous comment. You might as well complain about the word *gay,* asking the parent of a gay teen * why do YOU get to describe your child as happy but I don't.*

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 11:31 am

WriterMom wrote:

amother wrote:

Here's my problem.

In my real life -- and I certainly cannot comment on posters here -- most people who claim that their kids are gifted are seriously mistaken.

And this is relevant to the topic how?

Use your imagination.

Instead of helping one another with the issue at hand, people will argue about whether or not the child is gifted, and attack the mother for being deluded and self-aggrandizing.

The "safe haven" is probably the best model, allowing entry to anyone who wants to be there (regardless of the child's test scores, etc etc) and disallowing the sort of bashing we have seen the past few days.

Another internet forum (some of you may recognize it from my description) gets around the "is my child gifted?" issue by referring to very young (preschool-age) children as "advanced," rather than "gifted." Not a bad idea.

amother

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 11:32 am

WriterMom wrote:

amother wrote:

Here's my problem.

In my real life -- and I certainly cannot comment on posters here -- most people who claim that their kids are gifted are seriously mistaken.

And this is relevant to the topic how?

The question posed is whether a gifted forum is one upsmanship. If it is a forum for parents whose kids are truly profoundly gifted, then it is neither offensive nor one upsmanship. If, OTOH, people here, like people in my real life, just think their kids walk on water, when they're actually pretty average, then its merely a way for some posters to say *my kid is better than your kid*

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 11:36 am

Seraph wrote:

Im sorry Seraph, but are you joking? Its special ED, not SPECIAL ed. Sorry, I grew up a child with a learning disability. Nobody ever considered me special, ever. that is one of the silliest comparisons that I have ever come across, ever.

WriterMom

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 11:42 am

cm wrote:

WriterMom wrote:

amother wrote:

Here's my problem.

In my real life -- and I certainly cannot comment on posters here -- most people who claim that their kids are gifted are seriously mistaken.

And this is relevant to the topic how?

Use your imagination.

You're missing MY point - which is that if you think someone's wrong and her kid's not gifted just don't engage the conversation. It's not relevant, just as it's not relevant if someone complaining about her MIL actually has an obnoxious MIL.

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 11:45 am

WriterMom wrote:

cm wrote:

WriterMom wrote:

amother wrote:

Here's my problem.

In my real life -- and I certainly cannot comment on posters here -- most people who claim that their kids are gifted are seriously mistaken.

And this is relevant to the topic how?

Use your imagination.

Thanks for clarifying. I agree completely!

Seraph

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 11:49 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Seraph wrote:

Hey, shabbat, no one considers gifted kids as special either. Aside for people who are jealous for some reason.
And yes, kids in my class were definitely jealous of the kids who got pulled out to go to the resource room. So that is an accurate comparison.

Yocheved84

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 11:51 am

Do people not realize that gifted children have their own unique challenges? You may have a 150 on an IQ test, but there may be issues with EQ. There may be behavioral problems because the child becomes bored in school and needs extra work. It can be challenging when a child is incredibly mature academically, but immature emotionally. There may be issues in making friends of the same age.

It's not offensive--it's sharing parenting techniques for this type of a child.

Mrs. XYZ

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 11:54 am

WriterMom wrote:

Seraph wrote:

amother wrote:

Special Ed isn't implying that your kid is better. Gifted is.

Says who. The only one implying anything is you.

Precisely. And in fact the utter ignorance of the more hostile posters is a good argument for why the forum needs to be closed. If I wanted to discuss migraines with people who also have migraines, the last thing I'd want is defensive fools chirping at every opportunity "but how do you know they're migraines? you think you're so special because you have migraines. I might have migraines too! why are people who say they have migraines so arrogant? lots of people have headaches, it doesn't mean they're migraines. Why are you so different from people with headaches? why, I had a horrible headache just last week" etc.

"

Honestly, I think many people DO confuse reg. headaches with migraines. It just sounds more dramatic. goes for many things in life. People just like to sound more dramatic and extreme.

WriterMom

Thu, Dec 16 2010, 12:12 pm

Mrs. XYZ wrote:

Honestly, I think many people DO confuse reg. headaches with migraines. It just sounds more dramatic. goes for many things in life. People just like to sound more dramatic and extreme.

OK, that may well be true. But if I wanted to discuss, with fellow migraine sufferers, how to live with migraines, do you think this would be a helpful discussion in that particular thread, or an unhelpful one?

On a "mainstream" thread "I have horrible headaches, are they migraines?" then a discussion about whether migraines are real, overdiagnosed, self-diagnosed by people who are dramatic, if they are in fact different from garden variety headaches, could be productive and useful. If it's being asked by someone who wants support from people who get her, it would be unproductive. A separate forum (or putting "support only" or "safe haven" in the title thread, which I think would work most of the time) would make this more clear.