scared my son is going to hate me when he grows up....(long)

Ema of 5

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 7:45 pm

I have a very difficult 3.5 year old. I lose my patience with him frequently (way too often, but im at my wits end and dont know what else to do)

I can ask him repeatedly to do something - get dressed for school, come to the table for breakfast, what does he want to EAT for breakfast, come for supper, come for a bath, come to get into pj's, etc- 10 times and very often he just wont listen. I dont yell, I dont lose my temper, I just try to keep asking in a nice, calm voice.

but I can only do this so many times. then I lose it. I raise my voice and tell him in no uncertain terms to listen to me. for example, ill say (yell) "(name) I called you x times- why do I need to do it so many times and you keep not listening???" then he starts crying and says "I dont like when people yell at me." I tell him as calmly as I can in the moment that its very hard for me not to yell at him when I say things so many times and he doesnt listen.

anyway, so one of the things that I do is that I take away "privilages" (never knew how to spell that, and I dont think ill ever learn!)- ie, if he doesnt cooperate in the morning, I wont let him have strawberry milk before we go to school (not an every day thing, but just an example)

anyway, so im really just nervous that im being too tough on him, and the saying no is going to cause him to hate me. im trying to be a good mother, and I try so hard not to yell or hit or use mean words, im just so scared, and totally lost......

Utah

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 8:03 pm

I listened to a couple of Sara Yaroslowitz's parenting classes over the phone. She says that if you know your child won't follow your command the first time you say it, YOU should bring the child to do whatever it is you want them to do. Never put yourself into a position where you tell your child to do something and s/he doesn't follow through right away. So what to do? YOU move the kid. Take your child by the hand to the breakfast table, to the bath, to put on pj's... Be proactive.
This tip worked wonders for me.
Gluck!

amother

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 8:09 pm

I have a 4 year old and deal with the same. What works for me is using "Love and Logic". Letting the natural consequences of her actions do the punishing for me. For example, if dd won't come for dinner I'll let everyone eat and give out ice cream for dessert. She'll of course come running when she sees the ice cream. I'll say something like..."we can talk about dessert after you eat dinner". Then when she finishes dinner the ice cream will be finished and I'll calmly comment "aww the kids finished the ice cream during regular dinner time." I'll be empathetic (you really need to read the books). The first few times we did this she really cried. The next night when you call everyone for dinner she will run. You can decide if dessert will be special that night. The point is that you are not yelling, you are not punishing... they are losing out because of their own actions. It's pretty amazing to see how even young kids catch on really quickly.
If you keep on providing a warm, secure environment with appropriate limits your son will appreciate all your efforts.

Ema of 5

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 8:12 pm

first thanks for responding, I was scared no one would Smile

second- sometimes I do that, but it doesnt always work. for example, when I am getting the baby dressed, instead of coming into the room to get dressed when I ask him to, he will run to the steps and slide down. sometimes I try to take care of him first, and that doesnt work either. he is very good at not cooperating, and if I get to the point that I am very frustrated, I just hand him his stuff and tell him that he has to do it on his own now. then of course he throws a tantrum (and of course miracle of miracles my husband suddenly wakes up, and tells me not to fight with him and that I shouldnt get so frustrated cuz hes only 3.5)

I dont want to be a yelling screaming tense uptight mommy.....and the weird (ok, no so weird cuz they are totally different personalities and she is only 1.5) im not like this with the baby at all. if she runs away when I call her, ill just go get her. if she throws her supper plate on the floor, ill tell her we dont throw food on the floor and then I will take the plate away and just start feeding her.

im really nervous that all the "no" is going to make him not like me. my husband keeps telling me that my parenting towards him is going to come back to haunt me, but he just tells me what he thinks im doing wrong, he doesnt have any suggestions for me. except to come down while im in the middle of trying to explain why he cant have/do something and tell me that I should stop fighting with him and let him have/do it....

(my vent about my husband will have to be a diff thread, where I start off anonymous)

Ema of 5

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 8:19 pm

amother wrote:

im trying to do that.....im just scared that the "no" will turn him off.....

flowerpower

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 8:21 pm

I have a ds whom I had to be very tough with. I was consistant and firm. He is sooooo much better every month because of it. This firmness would backfire on his brother. Each kids needs a different approach. I don't say we don't do this and punish...I'm not for so much negetive. I learnt the situations and know already what to expect so I pick my battles-for example-dressing in the morning-I would just dress him. I held him tight so he couldn't run away. If he tried I got him right back. If he would want something now and I would explain that he can have it after supper he would throw a huge fit. I would just leave the room and ignore him. If he made a mess I would gently make him clean it up after he calmed down. He wouldn't get the snack after supper unless it was cleaned up.

Ema of 5

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 8:31 pm

flowerpower wrote:

I need someone to be by my side from when he wakes up till he goes to school, and from when he gets home till when he gets to sleep. Smile

when it comes to the (to use your example) snack after supper only if he cleans, if it was just a tantrum I wouldnt mind. I can deal with that.....its more the disrupting the rest of the routine of the moment....obviously, I can take him out of the room if im trying to put the baby to sleep and hes screaming, but itll just disrupt his whole routine for the night and the next day and.......

Ema of 5

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 8:36 pm

flowerpower wrote:

What does he do exactly until he goes to school and until he goes to bed that you are having a hard time with?

he wakes up at 7:30, and we walk to school at 8:25/8:30

he needs to
-wake up Smile

-wash negel vaser
-get dressed
-go downstairs and eat breakfast
-tell me what he wants for lunch (I have a fall back just in case he doesnt tell me)
-put on his coat/gloves/hat to get ready to go

on a good day, he will have time to play a little before we go
on a day like today we wont get to school until 8:45/8:50

octopus

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 8:50 pm

Is their something ds likes to do in the morning- and can you say, "as soon as you get dressed, you can do xyz."

can you tell him- "if you (insert desired behavior) I'm going to write a mitzvah note and tell morah what a super-duper fast listener you are!"

Give him a choice: Do you want to eat breakfast first or get dressed first.

Can you get his lunch requests the day before just to skip that out of your morning. The less you have to do= less stress.

Just keep in mind, your son's behavior is normal and many of us with 4 year olds (myself included!) deal with the same issues. Just try to be super positive when your ds does something right away and make a big deal when you are ready to go to school on time. If you come late to school, I don't think it's such a big deal at this age.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't have such a rigid routine in the morning. If my kid doesn't want to wash negel vasser or eat breakfast, I just go with the flow. Most things are not a super big deal.

fiddle

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 8:54 pm

amother wrote:

This is horrible.

octopus

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 9:00 pm

fiddle wrote:

amother wrote:

This is horrible.

It probably is a little cruel. but it's probably not the worst thing in the world. Very rigid. But then again, some parenting styles are super duper rigid. wouldn't work on every kid,though. My ds would just shrug his shoulders and say, "it's okay, mommy, I don't need any ice cream, so I'm not eating my supper, okay?"
I'm a firm believer that yelling all the time is not good, but just because you never yell, doesn't necessarily make you a good parent.

Ema of 5

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 9:02 pm

fiddle wrote:

amother wrote:

This is horrible.

not very helpful....do you mind expounding a little?

also, (not that I think that wasnt civil, but it might lead there) im really looking for advice here, so can we please remember to minimize that name calling and maximize the nice language

Ema of 5

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 9:16 pm

octopus wrote:

Is their something ds likes to do in the morning- and can you say, "as soon as you get dressed, you can do xyz."

this is what we do in the morning with the strawberry milk- if he eats breakfast nicely he can have it. otherwise its milk, juice, or water

Quote:

can you tell him- "if you (insert desired behavior) I'm going to write a mitzvah note and tell morah what a super-duper fast listener you are!"

hes not in a frum school, but every so often when he has a great morning ill write his teacher a little note. maybe I have to start doing this every day, find at least one thing that was great, and write a note. maybe his teacher can give him a little prize- a sticker or something. thanks for that suggestion!

Quote:

Give him a choice: Do you want to eat breakfast first or get dressed first.

another good idea, which will work better in the morning than at night- I dont exactly want to put on pj's before they eat supper Smile

Quote:

Can you get his lunch requests the day before just to skip that out of your morning. The less you have to do= less stress.

I actually hold off as long as I can with this, and even so, he still sometimes doesnt eat his lunch in school!

[quoteJust keep in mind, your son's behavior is normal and many of us with 4 year olds (myself included!) deal with the same issues. Just try to be super positive when your ds does something right away and make a big deal when you are ready to go to school on time. If you come late to school, I don't think it's such a big deal at this age.
I know....im trying really hard- when he does soemthing right away I try to make sure to be so proud of him. were very into being a gibor, and its GREAT for him!! (not sure he totally gets the concept, but it works so I dont complain)

Quote:

Maybe it's just me, but I don't have such a rigid routine in the morning. If my kid doesn't want to wash negel vasser or eat breakfast, I just go with the flow. Most things are not a super big deal.

its not the schedule im concerned about, its the just not listening. im not really concerned about breakfast either, because morning snack in school is cereal and milk. honestly, im not that great at remembering things like negel vasser and davening- I only started doing it every day FOR MYSELF after my baby was a few months old. now I do it for myself and then I immediately refill the cup for the kids. davening.....not really. sh'ma is a big one though.

thanks for all your good advice- you seem like a really loving, wonderful mom! (wiah I could be anon for this but....) I wish I had had that when I was younger- not that my mom is not a good mom, just not the kind gentle type

Last edited by Ema of 5 on Thu, Dec 23 2010, 9:18 pm; edited 1 time in total

Ema of 5

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 9:17 pm

MiamiMommy wrote:

Instead of punishing/saying no, focus on the good.

Take pictures of him doing each step of his morning routine. Make them in to a chart (laminate them and add velcro). As he completes each step in the morning, he can put the picture on the chart. Each time he completes the chart he earns a gold star (or whatever). Once he earns 4 stars he gets a reward.

The running away makes it seem to me like it's become a game to him. Turn the game around!

did you take perel abramovitz's class too????? Smile

MiamiMommy

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 9:29 pm

akivachaya wrote:

MiamiMommy wrote:

did you take perel abramovitz's class too????? Smile

I don't know who that is! Is that what she says to do? It's something I do with my kids. . .and my students!

fiddle

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 10:47 pm

akivachaya wrote:

it think many parenting techniques are horrible. this one is definitely one of the worst. your tricking your child. your playing with their emotions. your confusing her. seriously? how would you like if that was done to you? im FAR FROM the best mother, but this? I dont do this - teach them a lesson? im a big believer in not doing to your children what you wouldnt like to be done to you. and believe me, a child who gives in and who gives up is a child who will go for this. and most 4 year olds are not like that. and ps. this is not considered natural consequences. a natural consequence is not tricking them into it. its cruel. thats all im saying.