If Your 16 Year Old Daughter Came Home Pregnant...

amother

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 10:42 am

Chayalle wrote:

life'sgreat wrote:

mummiedearest wrote:

I'm a firm believer in responsibility. you get pregnant? you keep that baby. and you get a job to support it. and you deal with the doctor's appointment. I do think the best option is marriage. the father should be involved daily. and if not, fine, but she has to work towards getting her own apartment or paying parents rent.
.

To me, the one who will lose out the most is the child.

ITA.

I honestly think it would be in the best interest of the child if a loving adoptive family could be found. The child should be given the best chances for life.

I'm also a firm believer in responsibility, and I think this would be the responsible thing to do. If the teenager wasn't responsible until now, how is forcing the poor child on her going to teach her that?

This isn't theoretical in our family. When she was an 18 year old high school , our niece got pregnant. The father was a non-Jew, who has since proven to be a deadbeat who doesn't see the child and has been in and out of jail.

10 years later, DN has a GED, but no college, no job training, and works dead-end jobs to have any income. She still lives with her parents. While she had the full support of our O rabbi, who even arranged for the bris, she's turned completely away from Judaism, to the degree of bringing a pepperoni pizze into her parents' kosher home to have for lunch on Yom Kippur. Its hard to be an unwed mom in the O world.

I adore DN's child. But the fact is that both he and his mother would have had better lives had he been placed for adoption.

As to what *I* would do if it were (chas v'shalom) my daughter -- while I support the right to choose, with religious guidance in our case, that decision would have to be my daughters. I would give her emotional support and try to present the difficulties of raising a child under these conditions so that she could make an intelligent decision. And yes, if she chose to keep the child, I would help her. One mistake shouldn't end her life or her future. While it would be her baby, and while she would have to help support it, I would also help, give her a place to live, babysit, and ensure that she finished school so that she could make a good life for herself and the child in the long run. I would not encourage her to marry unless she felt, the boy felt, and we as her parents felt, that it would be a good and stable long term relationship.

life'sgreat

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 10:46 am

Ruchel wrote:

To me the best chance is to have parents, even imperfect ones, and if possible your natural parents. I am very pro adoption when parents are dead, or missing, or abusive, or the child would starve, will maybe adopt personally, but a 16 yr old mom is no reason to give up. Or maybe if I can adopt the grandchild, but then she'll still be in contact with him, so it doesn't help her, right?
If it's about laziness, I'm ready to do all the work as if it was mine, to prevent it from going to strangers. That's what family is for.

I wouldn't support or allow under my roof any abortion unless medical, and no giving away either. Sorry, the child did nothing, and it's 50% you, and it's also my grandchild. I plan IYH to teach girls and boys to value life more than anything.

Yeh, being a child of a teen parent who is forced into it, even if because of the choices she made, is a recipe for a future drug addict, or at least also being a teen mom. Sometimes the imperfections (or emotional neglect) can be too much for a child.

amother

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 10:48 am

I have a 16 year old step son and 13 year old step daughter who live with their non-frum mother.

We are realistic. Neither of them is likely to wait for marriage before having relations. We have minimal influence on them. So we came to the agreement that it's better to have a conversation now about having safe relations then dealing with a teen pregnancy (or STD) later.

Two years ago when my step son was 14, DH had "the" talk with my stepson. We bought him a package of condoms, and my DH explained to him what would happen to his life if he got a girl pregnant. I don't like calling it "the" talk, since it's really a continuing conversation.

(for a weird bunch of reasons - *I* had to go out and buy the condoms - it was surreal calling my husband from the Duane Reade in Times Square, standing in front of a WALL of condoms asking my DH what kind should I be buying.)

While neither of us really believed at age 14 that my stepson was going to be having relations any time soon (very socially awkward kid), it was important that he have those condoms ready "just in case".

I am a little more concerned about my stepdaughter who has been boy crazy for over a year and is already menstruating. I'm not close with her, her father doesn't feel comfortable talking to her about it, and I have no clue what her mother's opinion on the matter is.

If she called us up pregnant I'm pretty sure her mother would insist she get an abortion. If he called us up saying he got a girl pregnant, I'm guessing that's what would happen also.

*in regards to abortion, I would consult a Rov if we were asked our opinion. At 13 I would also be concerned about if it was medically dangerous for her to continue the pregnancy.

Ruchel

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 10:50 am

life'sgreat wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

It may be different in the frum world. And there is no law forcing people to do X or Y. Even the best adoption comes with longing and questions, often unanswered forever. A teen mom is still a mom, and frum Jews have the "culture" of children, at least. I know 16 yr old frum girls who would be better than many non frum 23 yr old.
Now, maybe we can assume a frum teen mom is off the derech, and that changes things unless she decides she wants to raise her kid with Jewis values.

life'sgreat

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 10:56 am

Ruchel wrote:

life'sgreat wrote:

I wasn't thinking about a frum girl. I also think that we can't weigh what's worse. Growing up in neglect and deprivation, even if just emotionally, or living with the longing.

Ruchel

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 10:58 am

life'sgreat wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

life'sgreat wrote:

I wasn't thinking about a frum girl. I also think that we can't weigh what's worse. Growing up in neglect and deprivation, even if just emotionally, or living with the longing.

I agree with that.
But there's something to being with your "real" parents... and we cannot assume the mom will be neglecting (as opposed to lazy and immature, and even then, not always!)

Chayalle

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 11:07 am

Ruchel wrote:

life'sgreat wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

life'sgreat wrote:

I wasn't thinking about a frum girl. I also think that we can't weigh what's worse. Growing up in neglect and deprivation, even if just emotionally, or living with the longing.

I agree with that.
But there's something to being with your "real" parents... and we cannot assume the mom will be neglecting (as opposed to lazy and immature, and even then, not always!)

Yes there is something to being with your "real" parents...as a former foster parent, I have marvelled at the connection that my son had with his bio mother...and yet, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it was in his best interest to be with us for the years that he was, so that he had normalcy and stability. And BTW we loved him very much too.

In the long run, I really believe that stability, consistant love, and responsibility toward a child count for more than biological love. Where the former are missing, the latter does not compensate.

mummiedearest

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 11:12 am

amother wrote:

Chayalle wrote:

life'sgreat wrote:

mummiedearest wrote:

To me, the one who will lose out the most is the child.

I didn't say I'd kick her out or not be involved. I would definitely be supportive. but I would make sure that she's working towards a stable job, and if she's still in my house past a certain point, she'd be expected to contribute some rent. a decision to have pre-marital s-x comes along with the responsibility of dealing with the consequences. there's no "I'm only sixteen" excuse. a teen who decides to do an "adult" thing had better be ready to be an adult. in this day and age, there's no such thing as not knowing what causes pregnancy.

that being said, a teenager in the frum community who has pre-marital s-x generally has issues at home. I pray every day that I can provide my children with a warm,loving, stable environment. That's really all I can do.

Chayalle

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 11:15 am

mummiedearest wrote:

amother wrote:

Chayalle wrote:

life'sgreat wrote:

mummiedearest wrote:

To me, the one who will lose out the most is the child.

Yes but why should she be forced to keep the child? Why shouldn't she make that choice, especially as it might be best for the child?

mummiedearest

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 11:29 am

Chayalle wrote:

mummiedearest wrote:

amother wrote:

Chayalle wrote:

life'sgreat wrote:

mummiedearest wrote:

To me, the one who will lose out the most is the child.

I
This isn't theoretical in our family. When she was an 18 year old high school , our niece got pregnant. The father was a non-Jew, who has since proven to be a deadbeat who doesn't see the child and has been in and out of jail.

10 years later, DN has a GED, but no college, no job training, and works dead-end jobs to have any income. She still lives with her parents. While she had the full support of our O rabbi, who even arranged for the bris, she's turned completely away from Judaism, to the degree of bringing a pepperoni pizze into her parents' kosher home to have for lunch on Yom Kippur. Its hard to be an unwed mom in the O world.

I adore DN's child. But the fact is that both he and his mother would have had better lives had he been placed for adoption.

As to what *I* would do if it were (chas v'shalom) my daughter -- while I support the right to choose, with religious guidance in our case, that decision would have to be my daughters. I would give her emotional support and try to present the difficulties of raising a child under these conditions so that she could make an intelligent decision. And yes, if she chose to keep the child, I would help her. One mistake shouldn't end her life or her future. While it would be her baby, and while she would have to help support it, I would also help, give her a place to live, babysit, and ensure that she finished school so that she could make a good life for herself and the child in the long run. I would not encourage her to marry unless she felt, the boy felt, and we as her parents felt, that it would be a good and stable long term relationship.

Yes but why should she be forced to keep the child? Why shouldn't she make that choice, especially as it might be best for the child?

but it's not necessarily best for the child. adoption is an option, but I'd consider it a last resort. many teens are responsible enough to care for a child. I'm talking about keeping the child with family support to help the mother become completely independent. I'm not talking about throwing her and baby out on the streets. and she has nine months to prepare for this, just like any other mother. by getting pregnant, she's entered another stage in her life whether she likes it or not. you can't go back on something like that. and by keeping the baby, she's learning just how miraculous life is, and that you don't create new life casually. it's very nice to say that adoption is better for the baby. that's assuming the adoptive parents are good parents. there's no way of knowing that in advance. how do you research the couple you're giving a baby to?

MommyZ

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 11:55 am

life'sgreat wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

life'sgreat wrote:

I wasn't thinking about a frum girl. I also think that we can't weigh what's worse. Growing up in neglect and deprivation, even if just emotionally, or living with the longing.

My parents both had PhD's and were married for 6-7 years when my mother got pregnant with me. I was still raised without emotional support by two parents who were and still are for the most part incapable of showing love or affection.

I have a seven year old daughter. If she gets pregnant I will encourage her to parent her baby. That baby would be my grandchild and I would do whatever it took to keep it in our family. I believe that adoption is an option when there is serious abuse or neglect but that in most cases staying in a loving biological family is ideal. I say this based on my personal feelings as well as those of adult adoptees whose mothers gave them up because of their age and no other reason. Are there couples who would love to adopt a Jewish baby? Yes. I don't think adoption should be about providing babies for couples but should be about making sure that the baby is well cared for. Adoption provides a different home not necessarily a better home. It also means that the baby and birth mother/family experience loss even when contact continues after relinquishment. None of that should be taken lightly.

Last edited by MommyZ on Fri, Jan 07 2011, 12:24 pm; edited 1 time in total

octopus

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 12:50 pm

I cannot believe that no one said anything about the grandparents adopting the child! This scenario should never happen with my children, but I would think that I would adopt the baby as my own child. Of course I would encourage the daughter to help out as much as possible but I would also encourage her to finish up school (I guess that would be a GED since no yeshiva here would ever take a teen-mom) and go to college. And get her A LOT of help! like into therapy. I don't believe in "this is your mistake, now go and deal with it" mentality. This is a 16 year old. I would want to maximize the chances that this child comes out frum and emotionally healthy and the baby, too! That doesn't mean coddling, but it still means allowing the child to grow up and develop and not get stuck in a vicious deadbeat cycle (which many teen moms do!). The deed was done. There is nothing to erase it. But it's how we deal with the real issues- that's what counts! I would never do a shotgun wedding on a 16 year old shock

. Will this always be considered "baggage?" yeah. probably. But there is someone out there for everyone, even if it means marrying someone else who had a past, too.

MommyZ

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 12:53 pm

octopus wrote:

. Will this always be considered "baggage?" yeah. probably. But there is someone out there for everyone, even if it means marrying someone else who had a past, too.

I think I'd prefer to be a legal guardian then to terminate my daughter's parental rights to her baby which would legally change the birth certificate etc.