If Your 16 Year Old Daughter Came Home Pregnant...

amother

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 1:40 pm

I know of a family where this happened. The daughter was sent away for awhile and the child put up for adoption. The daughter went on to finish school, get a real job, marry, and have a family. Poor judgement, wrong crowd, led to s*ex, and conceiving a baby. She didn't hope for a baby.
I think the wisest thing for the baby is adoption, and counseling, love, etc, to get that daughter back on track. The baby will have G-d willing, a more stable home from loving parents. Hopefully, the daughter will learn, and turn her life around. A single unwed mother in the frum community just doesn't fit. And 16 year olds may be able to be physically active, but that doesn't make them wise enough to end life as they know it and raise a child. They are still children themselves.

amother

Magenta

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 2:31 pm

Interesting Jewish topic, notwithstanding the fact that my Chassidish friends have girls who get married at 18. They do not have H.S. diplomas and they do not go to college. There is no concern about finishing school and they encourage their husbands to learn in Kollel.

But their daughters are part of a family and are not single mothers.

Last edited by amother on Fri, Jan 01 2016, 1:31 pm; edited 1 time in total

Mirabelle

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 2:33 pm

amother wrote:

There is also no garentee the child will go to a Jewish let alone frum family. Evry Jewish child deserves that.

Why would you say that?
If its a private adoption than the birth mother can choose the parents. I would bet anything that if I put out an announcement on imamother that there was a Jewish pregnant girl looking to give up her baby for adoption there would be tons of responses. As I mentioned before, I personally know quite a few Jewish frum childless couples that would JUMP at the chance to adopt a Jewish baby.

MommyZ

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 2:39 pm

Mirabelle wrote:

amother wrote:

There is also no garentee the child will go to a Jewish let alone frum family. Evry Jewish child deserves that.

I would not mention those frum childless couples to any pregnant teenager whether it was my daughter or not. I think that this constitutes subtle coercion which is not fair to a young vulnerable pregnant girl.

Mirabelle

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 2:42 pm

MommyZ wrote:

Mirabelle wrote:

amother wrote:

There is also no garentee the child will go to a Jewish let alone frum family. Evry Jewish child deserves that.

I agree with you on that, I was just disgreeing with the amother who said that you wouldn't even know for sure if the baby would go to a frum family.

I think the girl would need to be given all the facts and realities about the choices.

MommyZ

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 2:47 pm

Mirabelle wrote:

MommyZ wrote:

Mirabelle wrote:

amother wrote:

There is also no garentee the child will go to a Jewish let alone frum family. Evry Jewish child deserves that.

I agree with that. I would have my daughter speak to girl who relinquished a baby to adoption as well as one who chose to parent. We would explain that there are very real consequences to both choices and many of them are not pretty.

octopus

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 3:14 pm

I don't understand how you ppl would give a 16 year old a choice that a full-fledged adult would have trouble making- after this 16 year old proved just how careless and irresponsible they are. I cannot believe how many ppl said they would give their grandchild up for adoption! shock

It's one thing if the grandparents are dirt poor and are not in the financial situation to keep the child. I think that this is all about sweeping "problems" under the carpet. Sending the child off to adoption takes the problem and embarrassment away. It's not REALLY about the child getting a better home. It's about the shame. I think I'm disgusted. This is about some unloving jewish grandparents that don't want their grandkid. The 16 year old can still have the choice of whether they want to raise the kid or not. Just that the adoptive parents would be the grandparents instead. Did I just make any sense???!!!!

Petra

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 3:26 pm

I would think my DH and I would probably lean toward adopting the baby as well. I don't think a 16 year old is ready for parenthood in this day and age. Marriage...nope. Abortion...nope. Now, if she insisted on keeping and raising the baby then that is a whole other set of problems. If she is old enough to do that, she should get a job and go to night school to finish her GED. Hope for the best in the future. She could still do college but her DH prospects later on are seriously limited.

It's not an easy situation no matter how you slice it.

By the way, I have seen a few clips of that show that the OP refers to, as I was flipping through channels. It made me sick. I watched a clip where the idiot mother got on a freaked out horse with her sweet, innocent little 8 week old son flopping around in a front-load baby carrier. She wanted her son to know what it was like to ride. The horse was totally misbehaving...skitish and almost rearing. I couldn't believe there were adults standing around filming this and her idiot boyfriend who allowed this. I was terrified she was going to get thrown, stepped on, the baby stepped on or crushed...that show makes me sick...did I mention that already.

Mirabelle

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 3:32 pm

octopus wrote:

I hear you, but I really don't think choosing adoption is about shame. The frum community is small and people will find out that the girl got pregnant anyway.

In some situations adoption could provide a better life for the child and in some staying with the family is the best. I know of a frum family that adopted a child from a young frum girl that got pregnant and this kid has had a terrific life as his (adopted) parents only very precious child.

I don't think there is a hard and fast rule that works for everyone. Also, I am sure none of us really know what we would do unless we were (G-d forbid) faced with this situation.

MommyZ

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 3:33 pm

LeahsEma wrote:

Legal guardianship would allow the grandparents to make legal decisions for their grandchild giving their daughter time to grow up and mature without severing her legal parental rights or permanently altering the birth certificate. I would prefer to go that route.

MommyZ

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 3:35 pm

Mirabelle wrote:

octopus wrote:

#1mommy2000

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 3:55 pm

I know someone who adopted a baby and was unable to deal with some issues that came up while parenting him. She admits that she did not treat him well as a child or teenager. That's a chance that a pregnant girl or woman takes when relinquishing her baby to adoption.

yes and then you also have stories of childless frum couples who adopted such a baby (born to jewish/rebellious teenagers) and they turn out to be healthy happy wonderful people! I know someone personally in my community who did that. The girl got married to a wonderful frum boy (he had gone through a very rebellious stage as a teen...each considered the match as being really lucky) he's in kollel I think she just had her 3rd... and they're very yeshivish and she was and is a TOP girl.

MommyZ

Fri, Jan 07 2011, 4:10 pm

#1mommy2000 wrote:

You have both. You have adoptees whose adoptive parents treat them wonderfully and you have adoptees whose parents abuse them just like with biological parents. It's a flip of the coin really. Someone may seem like they would be an excellent parent and then not be able to cope.

The only thing you can guarantee is that two members of the triad (adoption triad=adoptee, adoptive parents, biological parents/natural parents) namely the baby and the mother who carried it for nine months and birthed it will experience a loss. This is not to be taken lightly.

I think if that loss can be prevented by the grandparents taking legal guardianship of the baby and helping to raise or some other similar scenario that option should be explored. I don't think the birth bond should be broken simply because of social pressure.

HindaRochel

Sat, Jan 08 2011, 11:08 am

Love my daughter, love my grandchild. Do everything I could to allow my child and grandchild to have as normal and loving life as possible. I would try and help my daughter finish school, do some college or learn some skill that can earn her money so she can become self-supporting and take care of herself and her child.

I would try and make the boy responsible for helping out as well....but I wouldn't push to hard, as my concentration would be on my daughter and her child.

grin

Sat, Jan 08 2011, 11:29 am

you young parents!! I don't think this Q can be answered w/o taking into account the relationship between the parents and the girl before this happened (although I imagine that it would be pretty bad, concerning this end-result). Also, the whole picture of the surroundings need to be taken into account - how old and strong are the parents and if their parents are supportive to them as well, how many sibs, etc.

grace413

Sat, Jan 08 2011, 11:33 am

[quote="MommyZ
I know someone who adopted a baby and was unable to deal with some issues that came up while parenting him. She admits that she did not treat him well as a child or teenager. That's a chance that a pregnant girl or woman takes when relinquishing her baby to adoption.[/quote]

I know someone who gave birth to a baby and was unable to deal with some issues that came up while parenting him. She admits that she did not treat him well as a child or teenagers. That's a chance that a pregnant girl or woman takes when giving birth to a child.

imaima

Sat, Jan 08 2011, 2:04 pm

Mirabelle wrote:

I watch that show also!

As the mom of three daughters, I have thought about this.

On one hand I personally feel (from an objective perspective) that adoption would be best, especially as jewish babies are in demand and even now I know about 10 wonderful couples that would snap up a baby like that in a second...on the other hand, I am not sure that I could deal with the idea of my own flesh and blood just being "out there" in the world, you know.

Move out of the country for a couple of years and come back with a new "sibling" for the 16 year old?

imaima

Sat, Jan 08 2011, 2:22 pm

octopus wrote:

I think many people who answered weren't thinking straight and said whatever seemed proper for "A 16 YO". Now, ladies, this is YOUR 16 yo, who you raised, your flesh and blood, whose chassene you started planning when she was 2 yo!! Many people sounded really coldblooded and accusing the girl, while in fact it would have been (CH"V) their parenting failure.

ewa-jo

Sat, Jan 08 2011, 2:29 pm

It would depend on the baby's father... if he were a mensch, I wouldn't necessarily push a wedding, but I would demand that he take responsibility (both in the sense of having a relationship with the child and also in the sense of paying child support) but if he were a child himself, I would convince my daughter that adoption is a better option. IMO, the age thing isn't so relevant, but a child needs two normal, responsible parental figures in his/her life. A 16-year old dealing with regular baby stuff shouldn't have the added stress of baby-daddy drama.

Hello... Bristol Palin!