If Your 16 Year Old Daughter Came Home Pregnant...

hadasa

Sat, Jan 08 2011, 2:57 pm

It's a hard question. I hope and pray never to have to deal with this Nisayon. Theoretically, I would choose this :

imaima wrote:

Move out of the country for a couple of years and come back with a new "sibling" for the 16 year old?

but not always would that be possible. A lot depends on how compliant the daughter is, since there would probably have been many issues leading up to this one.

ewa-jo

Sat, Jan 08 2011, 3:32 pm

Ruchel wrote:

About Bristol Palin, I've never understood why they just didn't get married. They were engaged, together forever, so what?
I have no idea why they didn't just get married ASAP, before the birth, instead of doing this whole weird wait thing. They weren't even abnormally young. Yes, extremely young, but not CRAZY young!

Her babydaddy, Levi Johnston is immature and publicity-hungry ...(just google him..yikes!) and likely had no intention of raising a family with Bristol.

greentiger

Sat, Jan 08 2011, 5:28 pm

life'sgreat wrote:

greentiger wrote:

well this is what I hope I'd do. There is no way to know and I hope I don't. I would speak to a rav as to what action is best to take. I would make it clear that whatever choice we make, I'm in it together with her. If she would follow through with the pregnancy, I'd make sure she's looked after and gets a good doctor. Its a bit late to talk about bc, but I'd have her test for stds. No doubt I would be very hurt. And embarrassed. As I'm sure she would be. But she is going to pay the price for the rest of her life so I hope I won't be making things harder for her.

If it were a son, well, I'd somehow be much angrier I think. I'd hope that it was consentual and that he wasn't out taking advantage of the other relations. Even at 16, I'd encourage him to propose and to take on as much responsibility as possible while supporting the girl emotionally. I'd freak him out with as many stories as I could get my hands on, all while teaching him about stds. I'd kick him out of the house to get an after school job and have him contribute whatever he can to the kid and her baby.

Interesting. Why such a big difference between a son and a daughter?

I'm not sure its so different.

Assuming both parties had equal parts in conception, the girls the one screwed over for it. She's gonna learn the lesson and have it inscribed on her skin for life. Assuming we are in a frum community, and knowing how these things work, she will be known for life as the-girl-who-got-pregnant-at-16. I don't need to rub things in further.
With a boy however unless the girls family make an uproar, he can easily walk away with nothing to show for it. I don't think thats fair. You screwed a girl over and you are gonna darn well be there for her! If he has to take on extra jobs to support her, so be it. Its even less fair to leave that burden to her on top of everything else she will be dealing with. As to proposing, well this girl has now become damaged goods -thanks to my hypothetical son. If she's not good enough for him to marry then too bad, he should have thought about it before, but it should be her choice whether and when they should marry.

ora_43

Sat, Jan 08 2011, 5:28 pm

What does the daughter want? Ultimately it's her choice.

I would discourage abortion or adoption unless my daughter was chv"s really in a dangerous situation (eg. on drugs, or in an abusive relationship), or was very, very immature.

Adoption is too permanent a solution for hopefully temporary teenage immaturity, IMO. Although it'd be different if the child were cared for in the extended family, with the understanding that the teenage mother has the option to take on sole parenting responsibility if/when she's able.

eta - My view is influenced by the fact that there are parts of society where women get married and start having kids at age 18 or 19, intentionally (and for that matter, since I'm in Israel, there are segments of society where girls are married off at age 15 or 16 and have babies, but that's already a different story since my dd won't be growing up like that... ). So 16 doesn't sound way too young for parenting to my ears - it sounds just a bit too young.

Isramom8

Sat, Jan 08 2011, 5:58 pm

I have teens.

As others have said, I think my choice (as much as I'd be allowed to be the one to decide) would be to support my child as best as I could in raising her child. Like, I'd raise the child while she finished school.But she'd be the mother and we wouldn't hide that fact, because you just can't keep a secret like that and stay sane.

If it were the child of a son, I guess I'd offer my support (ask how I can help) but basically hand over the responsibility to the baby's mother and her parents. If the girl wanted me to take an active childraising role, I guess I'd consider it.

As Grin poited out, if this kind of thing happens then maybe the parent-child relationship wasn't great beforehand, so you really can't assume that you'd be abl or willing to be as supportive as you would normally, or that your child would want you that involved.

Hashem yishmor.

MommyZ

Sat, Jan 08 2011, 6:24 pm

grace413 wrote:

[quote="MommyZ
I know someone who adopted a baby and was unable to deal with some issues that came up while parenting him. She admits that she did not treat him well as a child or teenager. That's a chance that a pregnant girl or woman takes when relinquishing her baby to adoption.

I know someone who gave birth to a baby and was unable to deal with some issues that came up while parenting him. She admits that she did not treat him well as a child or teenagers. That's a chance that a pregnant girl or woman takes when giving birth to a child.[/quote]

Yes it is a chance that a woman or girl takes when giving birth just like when a woman adopts. There's no guarantee either way. With that in mind I would do my best to help my daughter parent so that she would learn successful parenting skills and avoid the pain and loss of relinquishment.

mommyX2

Sat, Jan 08 2011, 6:49 pm

life'sgreat wrote:

greentiger wrote:

Interesting. Why such a big difference between a son and a daughter?

I was wondering the same thing! do you only have daughters???

greentiger

Sat, Jan 08 2011, 6:59 pm

mommyX2, see my response above. (I do have a baby son and hope this is not ever something I would need to deal with). I would imagine this poor girl needs all the support she can get, and as the father, its HIS job to make sure she gets it. Besides for a girl, it would be hard for me to imagine her ever wanting to make this mistake again, but with a guy, whats stopping him?? Unless he were forced to take responsibility, why would he care to let it happen again...?

saw50st8

Sat, Jan 08 2011, 7:59 pm

grin wrote:

you young parents!! I don't think this Q can be answered w/o taking into account the relationship between the parents and the girl before this happened (although I imagine that it would be pretty bad, concerning this end-result). Also, the whole picture of the surroundings need to be taken into account - how old and strong are the parents and if their parents are supportive to them as well, how many sibs, etc.

This isn't always the case. Sometimes kids make really, really stupid mistakes from peer pressure, even though they are close to their parents. As parents we don't often like to admit this, but friends often have way more influence than family. Especially in the moment.

I also think there is a HUGE difference between pregnant at 16 by mistake and pregnant at 18-19 on purpose. Totally different mindset.

MommyZ

Sat, Jan 08 2011, 8:49 pm

life'sgreat wrote:

amother wrote:

There is also no garentee the child will go to a Jewish let alone frum family. Evry Jewish child deserves that.

What do you mean? Do you know anything about adoption today?

Apparently amother is unaware that in the case of domestic infant adoption the adoptive parents are chosen by the biological mother and she must sign over her parental rights to them before they legally become the adoptive parents.

life'sgreat

Sat, Jan 08 2011, 8:52 pm

amother wrote:

I know of a family where this happened. The daughter was sent away for awhile and the child put up for adoption. The daughter went on to finish school, get a real job, marry, and have a family. Poor judgement, wrong crowd, led to s*ex, and conceiving a baby. She didn't hope for a baby.
I think the wisest thing for the baby is adoption, and counseling, love, etc, to get that daughter back on track. The baby will have G-d willing, a more stable home from loving parents. Hopefully, the daughter will learn, and turn her life around. A single unwed mother in the frum community just doesn't fit. And 16 year olds may be able to be physically active, but that doesn't make them wise enough to end life as they know it and raise a child. They are still children themselves.

I think forcing any mother into any choice so monumental is cruel. Forcing adoption is just as cruel as forcing to parent.

life'sgreat

Sat, Jan 08 2011, 8:55 pm

octopus wrote:

I don't understand how you ppl would give a 16 year old a choice that a full-fledged adult would have trouble making- after this 16 year old proved just how careless and irresponsible they are. I cannot believe how many ppl said they would give their grandchild up for adoption! shock

It's one thing if the grandparents are dirt poor and are not in the financial situation to keep the child. I think that this is all about sweeping "problems" under the carpet. Sending the child off to adoption takes the problem and embarrassment away. It's not REALLY about the child getting a better home. It's about the shame. I think I'm disgusted. This is about some unloving jewish grandparents that don't want their grandkid. The 16 year old can still have the choice of whether they want to raise the kid or not. Just that the adoptive parents would be the grandparents instead. Did I just make any sense???!!!!

The only reason why I brought up adoption was because someone said they'd force their teen to parent. IMO, a child would fair better as an adoptee than as a child to a teen mom who is completely not ready to parent.

MommyZ

Sat, Jan 08 2011, 8:57 pm

life'sgreat wrote:

amother wrote:

I think forcing any mother into any choice so monumental is cruel. Forcing adoption is just as cruel as forcing to parent.

I agree that force is cruel however I don't think that encouraging parenting by providing assistance and support in different areas that may be difficult for a young mother constitutes force. Adoption is a permanent solution to what is often a temporary problem. If the only issue preventing parenting is the age of the mother that will change with time. Legal guardianship can be assigned to the grandparents so that hopefully when the mother gets older and matures she will be able to assume full parental responsibilities. If age is the main factor I believe this to be the best option.

life'sgreat

Sat, Jan 08 2011, 8:59 pm

imaima wrote:

octopus wrote:

I think many people who answered weren't thinking straight and said whatever seemed proper for "A 16 YO". Now, ladies, this is YOUR 16 yo, who you raised, your flesh and blood, whose chassene you started planning when she was 2 yo!! Many people sounded really coldblooded and accusing the girl, while in fact it would have been (CH"V) their parenting failure.

That's not a given.

life'sgreat

Sat, Jan 08 2011, 9:05 pm

MommyZ wrote:

You misunderstood. I meant it's cruel to force adoption just as it's cruel to force a kid to parent if she's not ready to be a mother.