If Your 16 Year Old Daughter Came Home Pregnant...

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Parenting our children

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

MommyZ

Sat, Jan 08 2011, 9:10 pm

life'sgreat wrote:

MommyZ wrote:

I agree that force is cruel however I don't think that encouraging parenting by providing assistance and support in different areas that may be difficult for a young mother constitutes force. Adoption is a permanent solution to what is often a temporary problem. If the only issue preventing parenting is the age of the mother that will change with time. Legal guardianship can be assigned to the grandparents so that hopefully when the mother gets older and matures she will be able to assume full parental responsibilities. If age is the main factor I believe this to be the best option.

You misunderstood. I meant it's cruel to force adoption just as it's cruel to force a kid to parent if she's not ready to be a mother.

Which is where legal guardianship comes into play. This hypothetical sixteen year old may have significantly matured by the time she's nineteen or twenty and be ready to take on most if not all of the parental responsibilities. At that time, if it were my daughter, I would relinquish my legal guardianship and take on more of an advisory role then a parental role to my child in raising her child. Unless there were other serious issues like an abusive boyfriend or drugs I would not want my daughter to go through the pain and loss that is all to often associated with losing a baby to adoption unnecessarily.

amother

Sun, Jan 09 2011, 12:03 am

where can we see a clip or watch this show online??

shosh

Sun, Jan 09 2011, 12:55 am

I think both alternatives - of adopting and parenting - can be pretty terrible, sadly, and I don't know, if in that situation, ch'v, it would be so easy for the girl or her parents to make the right choice.

For example, I know a family where the dd got pg at about 16 or 17. They had a shotgun wedding and today the couple live with her parents and now have two kids. They are either incapable or unwilling to live independently and the mother is overworked looking after the other three kids of her own that she has, the couple, and her two gc, all in an overcrowded apartment. When she told me this and I suggested that the couple should look into public housing if they have to and actually sorting out their own lives, she told me that it was just not possible. ... Sometimes these kids are so young that they really don't have the maturity to deal with the situation or this kind of setup just suits them.

OTOH, in different circs, in wartime, my grandma's youngest sis got pg by an American GI stationed in England. She gave her baby boy up for adoption (to non jews, sadly). She never told her children (who only found this out many years later thru family research), though my mum knew as she remembered the story from her childhood. When my great-aunt's dd had a child, apparently she insisted that she should name him Colin. My mother delicately asked her cousin why this was, why would her mother want her to name her son Colin. The cousin said she had no idea why, just that her mother loved the name Colin. Mum said nothing - but she knew why. The soldier's name had been Colin, as was the tiny baby given into adoption all those years before.

Why do I tell that story? Because even though my great-aunt went on to have seven more children, she never forgot the one that she gave away .... It must have been so traumatic for her. When Colin was finally traced (about a month ago), he said he was told that his mother gave him up bc she couldn't keep him due to a lack of support and her need to go to work, but with nowhere to leave him. And btw, he was a lost Jewish soul indeed - raised by Christians, today he is a devout Methodist - truly a tinok shenishbu.
(I would hope that wouldn't happen today.)

So what would be the best option? I don't know. Probably a lot depends on the girl. If she's capable and motivated and has all the support she needs, then it probably is better that she raised her baby herself. But if not, then it probably would be kinder to the child to give him to a family that could really take care of him.

In the two instances I mention here, the one young couple seem totally incapable. Should they have given up her baby? I don't know. At least she is being raised by her own family. But it's still not a very healthy situation. With my great-aunt, sadly the child was raised as a [gentile]. But if we take that out of it, he was given a lot of love as a child, so he said, and he grew up to be a fine, upstanding citizen - respectably married and with a profession. Aside from the Jewish angle, which is an obvious tragedy, would his mother have raised him any better? Come to think of it, she married out anyway and raised seven kids without any Yiddishkeit and in absolute, dire poverty. They came out of it ok, but it was still no picnic.

I suppose the answer here is - Who Knows?

Ruchel

Sun, Jan 09 2011, 6:55 am

ewa-jo wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

About Bristol Palin, I've never understood why they just didn't get married. They were engaged, together forever, so what?
I have no idea why they didn't just get married ASAP, before the birth, instead of doing this whole weird wait thing. They weren't even abnormally young. Yes, extremely young, but not CRAZY young!

Her babydaddy, Levi Johnston is immature and publicity-hungry ...(just google him..yikes!) and likely had no intention of raising a family with Bristol.

Still he stayed several years (a lot for teens) with her, got engaged, etc... I don't get it!

Ruchel

Sun, Jan 09 2011, 7:15 am

saw50st8 wrote:

grin wrote:

you young parents!! I don't think this Q can be answered w/o taking into account the relationship between the parents and the girl before this happened (although I imagine that it would be pretty bad, concerning this end-result). Also, the whole picture of the surroundings need to be taken into account - how old and strong are the parents and if their parents are supportive to them as well, how many sibs, etc.

This isn't always the case. Sometimes kids make really, really stupid mistakes from peer pressure, even though they are close to their parents. As parents we don't often like to admit this, but friends often have way more influence than family. Especially in the moment.

I also think there is a HUGE difference between pregnant at 16 by mistake and pregnant at 18-19 on purpose. Totally different mindset.

This kind of mistake, in a frum context, is probably almost rebellious. Come on.
Parents should also, if they can, choose a clean school, if not a Jewish one.
There are things to do if you cannot choose friends but still want them to have less influence, see book Hold on to your kids.

Oh and amother is right that it's not easy to make sure it's a Jewish couple.
DH says if it's an anonymous birth, you can't choose anything and you can't find out where the child went, what he became...
Now you can choose to abandon your child to someone special, then there's a trial and all, you must have an adoption license to adopt it, and problem if you don't have the license yet: the child will stay some time with the mother (very hard to give up after), or in a non chosen foster family or institution. Unless you know a kosher keeping foster family and they happen to have a place and to accept... it may be well. If not....
If you have the license, things are fine.
My DH thinks there must be some frum families with license for fostering, fewer for adopting.
Charedi, even a lot rarer.
Between people who don't want, have a too small appartment, not enough money...
I don't get why people assume it's so easy. It's good to be positive but yeah.

saw50st8

Sun, Jan 09 2011, 7:32 am

Rebellion doesn't always mean rebellion against your parents. And yes, kids make stupid, stupid mistakes. Not all of them end in a pregnancy though...some do.

Ruchel

Sun, Jan 09 2011, 7:38 am

I think there's mistake and mistake.

If I work at a high risk lab and drop an Ebola flask it's also "mistake".
That kid who played with the gun he got for Xmas and killed his mother, I'm sure it was also just a mistake.

Mistake is too easy, sometimes.

life'sgreat

Sun, Jan 09 2011, 9:57 am

Ruchel, there aren't fewer Chareidi families licensed to adopt. For every available Jewish baby, there are tens of couples stretching out their arms.

Ruchel

Sun, Jan 09 2011, 10:00 am

life'sgreat wrote:

Ruchel, there aren't fewer Chareidi families licensed to adopt. For every available Jewish baby, there are tens of couples stretching out their arms.

I agree that many people would want the baby. But the thing is, there is a world between just wanting and doing everything right (by their standards) to have the license, especially when the possibility of a Jewish child is basically zero unless you hope someone will find you or you'll find someone who wants a Jewish family... I don't think I know one single case.

life'sgreat

Sun, Jan 09 2011, 10:06 am

Ruchel wrote:

life'sgreat wrote:

Ruchel, there aren't fewer Chareidi families licensed to adopt. For every available Jewish baby, there are tens of couples stretching out their arms.

You live in France. It is completely different than here at least.

Ruchel

Sun, Jan 09 2011, 10:36 am

The people I'm thinking of all live in continental Europe. My DH is familiar with the laws here and in various countries in CE.

MommyZ

Sun, Jan 09 2011, 11:01 am

Ruchel wrote:

The people I'm thinking of all live in continental Europe. My DH is familiar with the laws here and in various countries in CE.

Domestic infant adoption in the United States is different then it is in continental Europe. As far as I know you have to do a home study and adoption agencies require different testing and interviews but for private adoptions which go through attorneys it may not be as strict. There are also different variations in adoption laws from state to state. The biological/natural mother has certain period of time to change her mind and get the baby back. This varies from state to state.

Jewish babies are not the only babies that are in demand. There are much fewer babies available for adoption then adoptive parents who are looking to adopt babies and in general for every baby that is available to be adopted there are many couples who are looking and have gone through the process of being approved to adopt.

estibesty

Sun, Jan 09 2011, 12:15 pm

I love the show and I feel that the baby would have a better chance of a normal like if the teen finds a LOVING stable home with 2 parents I know its hard for the teen mom but they do it for the baby cuz they know the baby daddy aint staying and the kid will not have much of a stable life in a lot of ways. I really look up to those moms that are able to have the strengh to give the baby to a stable home to have a good life

MommyZ

Sun, Jan 09 2011, 12:19 pm

estibesty wrote:

If one of my sons gets a girl pregnant when he's a teenager both DH and I will make sure he mans up and takes care of his responsibilities.

slushiemom

Sun, Jan 09 2011, 12:52 pm

anyone know of a good link to watch the show?

MommyZ

Sun, Jan 09 2011, 1:02 pm

slushiemom wrote:

anyone know of a good link to watch the show?

http://tv.blinkx.com/show/16-a.....H6eUx

slushiemom

Sun, Jan 09 2011, 1:05 pm

thanks mommyz!! gonna watch the pilot before bed tonight... Smile

Ruchel

Sun, Jan 09 2011, 1:06 pm

MommyZ wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

The people I'm thinking of all live in continental Europe. My DH is familiar with the laws here and in various countries in CE.

Healthy white babies here, it can take up to ten years to have one. Even a toddler or a sibling set, it will be very very long. It's said if you don't have connexions, just do foreign adoption (and not in Europe where most available kids are disabled and/or much older).

amother

Sun, Jan 09 2011, 1:28 pm

I just watched the episode about Ashley on hulu.com

It is absolutely fascinating. Her aunt and uncle wanted to adopt the baby. She is SO conflicted between adoption and parenting but I don't want to spoil it for someone who still wants to watch.

Leah's episode with the birth of twins is also very interesting. I actually think the father of those babies showed a lot of responsibility and it's obvious he loved those kids.

MommyZ

Sun, Jan 09 2011, 1:28 pm

Ruchel wrote:

MommyZ wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

The people I'm thinking of all live in continental Europe. My DH is familiar with the laws here and in various countries in CE.

The choice to adopt overseas happens because a family wants a young child. The wait in the United States for a child under 2 years may take a decade. International adoption moves faster. Other families may want to provide opportunities to a child. Once the decision is made, adoption agencies are studied, and suddenly the steep price tag appears. This stops adoptive parents in their tracks. The general cost for international adoption is around $30,000. There are also hidden costs above this figure.

Basic Fees

Basic fees can range anywhere from $10,000 to over $30,000. Adoption agencies receive a portion of the fees. Fees generally include a dossier, immigration costs, court costs both in the U.S. and the adoptive country, and a donation to the foreign agency or orphanage. This does not include the home study. This takes several months and is required for both domestic and foreign adoptions. Home studies must be completed before any other steps are taken. Costs start around $1,000 and can top $3,000.

Additional Fees

More fees follow each adoption step. South and Central American nations charge child foster care. Any medical care or treatments will have to be covered. Traveling to the adoptive country, which is required in some adoptions, can have considerable hotel and airfare costs. Countries providing absentee adoption will require child escort fees. Translation, passport and visa fees are all necessary. A foreign attorney may be necessary. Children have to undergo a medical exam before a travel visa is issued to the United States. Court costs are also required, as well as a fingerprinting fee.

Little Extra Costs to Consider

While fees are outlined for each adoption step, there are hidden costs. Traveling to a foreign country requires food and transportation costs. Lost wages to travel must be considered. Siblings will either accompany you or you must line up child care for at least two weeks. You will need to purchase new clothing for your adoptive child. Young children will need disposable diapers and other items. China, for example, requires parents take a sight-seeing tour to better understand local culture, entailing expenses. Guides and escorts assisting in navigating the country and to and from court proceedings will warrant expenditures. And you will want to bring home a few souvenirs from your travels.

Read more: What Is the Cost of International Adoption? | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/about_5073.....K1d7T

Page 5 of 6

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 Next