How to deal with constant whining and more

amother

Sun, Jan 23 2011, 2:55 pm

I have a 3 year old daughter who cries, kvetches and whines non-stop.
Anyone have experience dealing with this? What is the best way to handle it?
Eventually my husband and I just lose our temper, but that makes things worse.

She's also constantly climbing on me, touching me, etc. Today at the park she was sitting on my lap and playing with my coat zipper, poking my face, the entire time. She rarely will just play by herself.

When she's not whining or driving me crazy, she's busy touching everything in the house. I think there's been improvement recently in this area, but there was a time when I was spending the whole day saying "don't touch" to her. Her favorite pastime until recently was pulling a chair up to the sink and playing with the dirty dishes. I tried very hard to keep my mouth shut but eventually would lose my temper when she spilled water all over herself or stuck my pareve measuring spoons in a dirty fleishig/milchig dish.

I just get SO irritated by her. In general I would say we have a total personality clash and it's only going to get worse.

She happens to be very bright, if that makes a difference.

amother

Sun, Jan 23 2011, 2:58 pm

This is a classic stage 1 misbeviour.
if you take Dina Friedman's parenting class she goes through a step by step work through for this type of misbehavior. I can't write it all on this thread. But it's well worth your while to take the course
even if it's just for that problem to get solved!
good luck!

amother

Sun, Jan 23 2011, 3:02 pm

amother wrote:

I can't take Dina Friedman right now, since I'm in middle of a different parenting course and I still have a year left.
Can you just write down a few points?
What does stage 1 behavior mean exactly?

ttbtbm

Sun, Jan 23 2011, 3:04 pm

Try to tackle one issue at a time. You will stay more focused and your child will know what's expected of her.

Ruchel

Sun, Jan 23 2011, 3:10 pm

"I can't hear you when you cry/whines/yells". Stick to it.

"It gets mommy tired if you poke her/push her, so if you don't stop we're going home".

Toddler proof a room for her and don't let her into the kitchen. Can you buy her a mini kitchen for kids?

Send her somewhere else, even to her room, BEFORE you get angry. Better be punished than be disliked by a parent.

Please don't see it as a personality clash, she's your flesh and blood so it's not helpful to see it that way! when she'll be older you'll be able to do tons of fun stuff with her! just a bad time to pass! Smile

Sun, Jan 23 2011, 3:43 pm

She sounds very active, as well as needing attention. Is she your first?

About whining: do not reward whining in any way. If she whines, she doesn't get what she wants. This should not be punitive. On the contrary, pay a lot of attention to her for a while, anticipating her needs, giving her what she wants or needs when she uses non-whining signals (spoken or otherwise), with lots of feedback. Do it all day long. It will be a project, but worthwhile.

For example: "I see you reaching for the ball. Can you reach it yourself? No? Do you want mommy to help you? Yes? OK, sure, I'll help you. Thanks for asking nicely." If you hear "Moooommmmmyyyy, I waaaaant" you could say, "Hmm, did I hear someone asking for something? Did I hear someone say 'May I please have the ball?' " thus modeling desired behavior and giving her another chance.

Ignored needs and requests may escalate into whining, so even though you are irritated with her and you may not feel like indulging her at this point, do your best to short-circuit any scenario that might result in whining. This way, you will engineer opportunities to reward desired behavior (speaking nicely) without getting into disciplinary battles. Once again, do it all day long. It's a project.

You're right, losing your temper doesn't work. Children this age are self-centered, and that's normal. They simply don't get that their behavior is making mommy crazy, and might not really care. Of course they want mommy to be happy, but the link between child's behavior and parent's mood/behavior is hard for them to understand.

Sticker charts are great for helping a young child keep track of desired behavior. If your daughter uses a nice voice in the morning until snack, she gets a sticker on her chart at snack time. Then if she uses her nice voice until lunch, she gets another sticker. And so on. I would use at least four or five periods a day, if the whining behavior is constant at this point - it will give her more opportunities to succeed. Either she gets a sticker or she doesn't - this reduces the possibility of parental temper tantrums. "Uh oh, I heard a whiny voice. No sticker at dinner today. We'll try again tomorrow." When she has a full week of stickers, maybe she could pick out something from the dollar store. Be absolutely consistent.

Does she go to preschool or playgroup some of the time? If so, how does the teacher handle discipline? Are the other kids whiners? Does she get enough attention?

I remember being that age and "playing with water" at the kitchen sink. It was such a favorite! My goodness, that was 40 years ago, and I still remember how much fun! How about putting an apron on her, giving her some utensils (slotted spoon, egg beater) and a clean sink full of water to play with? Perhaps you could figure out how to organize your sink area (washing dishes right away if you don't have a dishwasher, for example) so that she is less likely to get dirty or mix up your utensils. Or use playing at the sink as a reward for desired behavior.

My eleven-year-old pokes me, etc, when she's bored. It's great that they look to their mothers for company, rather than rejecting us, but it does get annoying. Does she have playmates? Some kids that age are still doing parallel play rather than interacting with one another, but they do start enjoying each other's company more around age three. Playdates, mother-child playgroup, etc are all good ideas to break up the day and engineer opportunities for interesting activities. If she is generally home with you, maybe schedule a mother-daughter craft with the stipulation that she must play by herself for a certain amount of time first. Make sure her environment is child-proofed, so if she does play by herself you won't feel the need to say "don't touch that."

Hope that helps!

ETA: water activities must be directly supervised by an adult - I'm sure you knew that, but it stands repeating.

ETA again: put the idea of personality clash out of your mind. You love your daughter, and with a little effort, you will probably start enjoying her company more. And she's only three; there's plenty of time for your relationship to develop. Try to stay positive, even if it means faking it a little.

life'sgreat

Sun, Jan 23 2011, 5:45 pm

In this house there's a rule: I can't hear what you're saying if you whine. End of story. Regardless of what the child asks for, you can't hear what the child is saying. After a while, the child will realize that whining is futile and doesn't give her the results she wants.

amother

Sun, Jan 23 2011, 6:00 pm

Hey OP, sounds so much like my oldest. She just turned 5.
Somehow her nagging/whining gets to me way more than her younger sibling.
In school I'm told shes a perfect angel b"h. Co-operates, does well, friends and all.

I was told that as soon as whining starts, tell her I can't understand you like this. If she continues she should be put into her room until she calms down on her own (cuz when I tell her I can't understand her like that, she sorta goes stronger)
I never was consistant though.

But I do find that if I'm upbeat, and she's not tired (so I'm very ontop of her sleeping schedule, otherwise...) things work a little better, she's a "little" more rational.
I do hope they outgrow it, I sometimes feel like I can't anymore... 1 more whine, and I'm off Confused

Mommy F.

Sun, Jan 23 2011, 7:04 pm

Could it be your child has a physical need that's not being met?
Some kids are extra whiny when:
hungry, tired, thirsty, bored, sick . . .

4cutekids

Mon, Jan 24 2011, 12:46 am

Ruchel wrote:

I agree ruchel, I would only add,

This kid needs tons of attention, so give it to her, meet her needs b/4 she misbehaves. If you can anticipate her whining and give her what she wants first, or if you make a plan and stick to it.

Also, model for her, in a calm voice, the words you would like her to say instead of whining, Like: "please can I have my drink in the red cup with a blue straw Mommy." That way little by little in the back of her mind she keeps hearing what correct asking sounds like. If you don't let it fluster you, and you don't respond to her when she's whining, she won't keep it up.

fiddle

Mon, Jan 24 2011, 1:36 am

kids usually whine bc they are tired or hungry. I noticed with my dd that when she comes home from gan, she just whines if something doesnt go her way. listen to her. she may just want to relax with a book, or coloring books. or she may need some food.

about the touching, my dd is like that. and all its saying is that she needs that. theres a book the five love languages or something like that which describes the needs of different people. refers to adults, but you notice it in kids. each kids needs different things, and im not accusing you, but she may not be getting the affection she needs, she may need to be held, hugged, cuddled VERY OFTEN. and if she doesnt get that - she will act out.

ps. about the dishes, maybe she just wants to help you.
so what if she gets wet, is she whining?

same goes for kids who need quality time, or need gifts...

just try to listen to her, before you want her to listen to you.

amother

Thu, Jan 27 2011, 11:47 pm

First of all it is important to remember that kids whine because that is what kids do, stop taking it so personal. I have two little girls that can get really kvetchy sometimes & I know exactly what youre talking about. Here is 6 great pieces of advice

1. Give one proper clear warning come down to their eye level & speak in a firm voice "stop the whining now, use your big girl voice" and walk away & go on with your daily chores pretending you are completely deaf

2. Don't be the mom that get all whiny from her kid's whining

3. Stick to your decision FIIIIIRMLY. Yes is yes & a no is a NO! Children know when you mean business. Cave in once to their whining & they got the message loud & clear ("If I whine long enough mom will get so irritated that she'll be forced to give in"

4. Warn in advance. When we were going out to visit a friend & I worried that DD would kick up a Whining storm I warned her in advance & told her we would read a book together when we get home if she remembers to use a big girl voice

5. Some say to actually video tape the child whining & show it to them when theyre are calm. I wouldnt do it. Its not my style at all, I think it would break the child...

6. Teach children how to problem solve & how to fight it out & talk it out between their siblings. You will only benefit from it & they won't need to "MOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMY!" for every little happening.

AND LAST BUT MOST CERTAINLY NOT LEAST-make sure you are giving your child loads of love (and by that I mean quality time). Children that are noticed in a positive way by their mommies will not feel the need to misbehave & whine so that they can be seen.

Nomad

Fri, Jan 28 2011, 11:15 am

posters here have given some great advice on how to minimize whining...

id like to also add that my son does the same exact stuff and it is normal for 3 year olds to whine and be mischievous (not that this behavior is okay, its just normal for kids to exhibit it).

I know when my son starts getting into things, making messes, poking me...its because hes BORED. In that case, I find losing my temper doesn't really work, because the poor kid is just bored outta his head and hell get sad if I yell when hes just trying to play. instead I tell him that he cant do that and redirect him to something he CAN play with. I even started making a list of things that I can do with him or he can play with without me so that I dont have to think of activities on the spot (when im aggravated by him) and can just refer to the list.

zigi

Fri, Jan 28 2011, 11:27 am

also if your kid gets into things b/c he is bored figure out that he will be bored before he gets into trouble. take him on a walk take out a new activity etc.

if she likes playing with water have her help you with the dishes. while you are watching her in the kitchen. also you could put her in the bath and play with shaving cream or bubbles and bath toys. some kids are really sensory you can giver play dough, cookie dough, sand box, rice.

also be aware when you have the most patience, make sure you get enough sleep and also eat etc.

it also helps to say what you feel. I am feeling frustrated,etc... it helps control my reactions.

put on music it can stop a major whining fest and also change the mood in the house