Books on Anger | Imamother

Coke Slurpee

Wed, Sep 06 2006, 10:19 am

I get angry very easily and I wanted to buy a book that would help with anger. If anyone knows of a good book on how to handle, manage and get rid of an anger problem I would really appreciate it.

Thank you!

Motek

Thu, Sep 07 2006, 12:29 pm

Maybe not what you want to hear (if you want to hear a title in the Self Help section of Barnes and Noble) but if you learn and relearn and relearn the "Shaar Ha'Bitachon" from Chovos Ha'Levavos and work on internalizing what it says, that should eliminate most anger Smile

Here's a summary (and although this is about bitachon, it applies directly to anger since if you trust in Hashem, what is there to get angry about?):

Quote:

If we knew we had a friend who:

1) never ceases worrying about us
2) is able to fulfill our wishes
3) knows our exact needs and what is good for us
4) controls all the people and powers in the world and does not allow any of them to harm or benefit us without his consent
5) is overflowing with kindness and compassion even if we are undeserving

we would totally relax and stop worrying about ANYTHING.

Hashem is merciful and gracious; He neither slumbers nor sleeps, He is your Father, He made you, Hashem is good to all and His mercy is on all His creations etc.

You can also try R' Pliskin's "Anger: The Inner Teacher -A nine-step program to free yourself from anger"

http://www.artscroll.com/Books/agrh.html

Coke Slurpee

Wed, Sep 13 2006, 10:29 am

Thanx for the suggestion, Motek.

I was wondering if there are any other books on anger and did anyone try them? Do they help? Are they effective? Has anyone tried R' Pliskin's book?

Chovos Ha'levavos is nice, but I don't think anger is so simpistic that if you trust in H-shem you wouldnt get angry. Anger is irrational.

Ruchel

Thu, Sep 14 2006, 5:47 am

Sonniboni wrote:

Chovos Ha'levavos is nice, but I don't think anger is so simpistic that if you trust in H-shem you wouldnt get angry. Anger is irrational.

Yes, and fear too. You know nothing can happen to you if Hashem doesn't allow it, but I think only few people manage not to be afraid in front of a big danger for themselves, or their children... Hashem has allowed bad things to happen to better people than me, so why not me.

Motek

Thu, Sep 14 2006, 11:51 am

Sonniboni wrote:

I don't think anger is so simpistic that if you trust in H-shem you wouldnt get angry.

You underestimate bitachon Wink

Quote:

Anger is irrational.

If you were furious about something and someone came along and said, I'll give you ten million dollars if you stop being angry, would you stop? I think so. Doesn't that go to show that we are in control and that if we have the desire, we can avoid anger?

Coke Slurpee

Thu, Sep 14 2006, 12:13 pm

Quote:

You underestimate bitachon

I'm pretty desparate, so I am willing to try it. I do have an english CL at home.

Quote:

I know it can be controlled otherwise I would never have posted for help in the first place, but my question is how to go about controlling it.

But when I get angry at my children - I'm not acting or thinking rationally. And I need a way to gain control right at that second.

Motek

Thu, Sep 14 2006, 12:24 pm

Sonniboni wrote:

But when I get angry at my children - I'm not acting or thinking rationally. And I need a way to gain control right at that second.

One idea is to plan ahead. You know that inevitably you'll get upset with them and if you have a plan about what to do, instead of immediately losing it, you'll know what to do. It can be as simple as, "I will not respond immediately. I will take a deep breath and count to ten (or maybe even better, I will whisper or think a quick prayer: Hashem, please help me handle this calmly!).

You can pick a pasuk or Chazal or an English statement to think about auomatically when angered. Maybe posters have ideas?

PinkandYellow

Sun, Sep 24 2006, 7:52 pm

I have a major anger issue. I find myself almost perpetually getting angry, so that I'm in an almost constant state of totally irrational angriness. what I have been trying to do with dh is locate and pinpoint extremely finely the source of my anger, what makes me angry. I am not talking situations, like so and so saying/doing xyz. I mean, maybe I have a gaiva issue and when someone says/does something that I think belittles me I get "upset". this is a work in process, but slowly I am trying to sort things out. I don't want my kids to grow up in an angry home.
Good luck!

ps- don't beat yourself up over this and get stuck in blaming yourself. I very often think that s/t like this is part hereditary and part nurture.

Mitzvahmom

Sun, Sep 24 2006, 9:00 pm

Hey I admit sometimes I get angry and frustrated... Yet it took a while, for me to realizemy life is somuch better.. yes I get frustrated, and one thing my kids therapist told me is important that the kids see what they are doing to me. So I tend to go through a mirroring exercise until we both start laughing. Also if they are whining and or screaming I ignore them and eventually they come and say why are you not listening?

then I acknowledge them because they are calm and talking to me ina normal voice. Seems to work for me, though I must admit that sometimes Iam embarassed by it because what do the neighbors think??

But honestly we talk now more than we did before, huge difference

Mitzvahmom

Sun, Sep 24 2006, 10:05 pm

It really works good with older children...

If they are jumping up and down and screaming you do it also. My son's therapist (he's 6) told me it helps him to see how silly he sounds and looks.

amother

Sun, Sep 24 2006, 10:10 pm

I have found this book helpful: Make Anger Your Ally by Neil Clark Warren.

Here's another book, I've been able to take some useful stuff out of it: Getting Control of Your Anger by Robert Allan

There are times when behavioral interventions are helpful in getting control of my anger. At other times I need to dig deeper and understand my triggers and how they are connected to past/historical experiences of helplessness, etc.

Would anyone be interested in forming a meet-up in B.P. on this topic?

Motek

Sun, Sep 24 2006, 11:28 pm

Mitzvahmom wrote:

If they are jumping up and down and screaming you do it also. My son's therapist (he's 6) told me it helps him to see how silly he sounds and looks.

I can see kids getting extremely upset when imitated! (How would we feel if an adult did it to us?)