Feeling really down and depressed.

amother

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 6:53 pm

Just want to say in advance thanks for taking the time out to read this post. It means a lot to have a listening ear. I b'h have an adorable 5.5 yr old son. He is so full of energy and talent, so full of personality. Problem is he is wreaking havoc on my house. He is very hyper, very impulsive and has now become violent. I have taken him to a psychiatrist who diagnosed him with adhd. He suggested that we medicate him but I felt he was young for medication and that I wouldn't do it until he was required to sit at a desk.
I have tried different parenting methods that work, then he seems to find a new smarted approach to manipulating me. This child consumes mine and my husbands lives. I worry about him constantly and each morning when I send him on that bus I pray that he returns safely and without harming others. We feel that there is a lot of negativity surrounding this child which makes things hard for everyone. It's always "stop" or "don't". We have started a new ignoring technique where we ignore ANYTHING that is not dangerous and we seperate him from potentionaly danegrous things or things I don't want him to touch without uttering a word. This takes the negativity away. The person who has been helping us with this (behavioral therapist) said the behavior will escalate before it calms down. Boy has it escalated. He was dumping cereal, pouring water on the floor. Hitting his brother, throwing toys (not that I have never seen this before). The violence and the screaming scare me, since I have seen adults who couldn't control their tempers you wonder what they might have looked like as a child. I am trying to keep calm but my mental health feels like its at risk. He does not stop, I cannot even go the bathroom. I give my all into every new technique, every new study but sometimes I feel like maybe it would be better for all of us if he was just medicated. Some reason that makes me feel like I am giving up and taking the "easy" way out.
I am drained and have so little koach left. I really need some words of encouragement, or some strength to go on. If anyone has a success story to share or any words of chizuk I would appreciate it.

amother

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 8:19 pm

I know it's hard. Very hard. We hadd issues with our child for so long. We tried just about everything and worked with many kinds of professionals. We also didn't want to medicate. Now we are starting the medication process (it can take a while to find the right med and proper dosage) but we wish we had started sooner. Now even when we hit the right med and dosage my child will need to unlearn many bad habits she picked up over the years. Behaviors that were a result of her ADD have now become ingrained habits. NOW we can use some of those behavioral tips and tricks to get her on the right track. Perhaps had we medicated earlier those behaviors would not have become so much a part of who she is. When we tried to help our child before the meds with different programs and structure in our home, although everything was set up so that she could succeed, we were asking a lot from her. With the meds she is able to succeed much more easily. I know that people have had success with certain behavioral models but they never worked for us - although our other children have certainly gained from the structure.

amother

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 8:45 pm

Do you have enough help? Respite? Time for yourself?
You are dealing with a special needs child and it is draining. You must make sure that your gas tank is on Full or yes, you will burn out.

Whether or not to medicate is a very highly personal decision. We chose not to medicate our 'difficult' child, and we chose this against all the advice we got from every single educator, dr and therapist we went to. It just didnt feel right to us. We went a behavioral route, similar to what you are doing (but different because we are not dealing with add) and it is very, very hard. The hardest thing for me was that we never get a break from this child. Like you describe, he takes all the energy available for himself. And people dont understand why we dont just medicate. I dont know, maybe we 'should' but neither dh nor I feel that it will best serve our child.
We've been doing this for a bit longer than you, our child is almost in high school now. And he has done alot better than anybody ever predicted. Still has issues, always will. But he has come a very long way and we have no regrets. What type of adult will he be? I don't know. We don't have control over everything. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here, for sure it is not an easy decision. Both options have pros and cons.

I commend you for your dedication to this very demanding behavioral program. You sound like a very dedicated mother, and you must have lots of stamina. May Hashem give you lots of nachas from this child and from all of your children.

Aribenj

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 9:17 pm

Wow... You're dealing with a LOT...

Your child sounds a lot like my 4yo son (not adhd, but has other difficulties which can't really be medicated)

I've learned that negative reinforcements just DONT work with him. It all has to be positive. Like, "when you clean up the food you threw on the floor you can join us for dinner" as opposed to "No dinner until you clean up the mess you made in on the floor"

The idea is to make the "joining us for dinner" a reward for cleaning up and sound all excited about it...

Has it made him easier? No. He's still... Him.

But it's made HANDLING him easier. It's easier for me to get him to do what he needs to do. No, it doesn't REMOVE his disabilities or difficulties, but if I do things this way, my life is easier, and he does little things that I hope will one day become ingrained behaviors.

This goes SO against my way of parenting bc by doing this you're removing all negative consequences and everything, including expected normal behavior being rewarded constantly.

However, you gotta find what works for each kid, you know?

I never thought this would work for him, but it seems to be.... He's still impulsive, messy, and sometimes violent, but at least now I can get him to stop, you know?

manyhats

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 9:33 pm

This is hard. Heartbreaking. Seems beyond hope.
One Thought: Copy your child's behavior. When child throws a fit, you throw a fit. When child throws cereal, scoop it up , and you throw it. When child throws toys, pick it up and you throw it.
Goal? Child should litterally see what he is doing. Afterwoods talk about it. Why,how, etc.

2nd thought: Devote yourself full time to this child . Be his/her shaddow. Each time child does/says right think praise child. Each time child does wrong thing hug child. Tight. Say , "I love you, but you can,t do that. It is not acceptable. Not here, not in school, nowhere. Good children don,t do that. you are a good cchild. You don't do that . I am going to help you. I am going to hoid you till you stop. I know you can stop."

Devote your life to this child till child gets it.

Just a thought.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. It is terribly difficult being a parent.

What is your gut reaction ?
Hugs, Bracha

amother

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 10:39 pm

OP HERE- wow! reading everyones comments I find myself in tears again, today has been an emotional roller coaster of a day. I thank you all for your understanding and your empathy. In the end that's what we all need, including our children. I always tell my husband I am not afraid for my son in life. He will succeed at anything he sets out to do. He is so brilliant, so driven, so persistent. These things will all take him far. I am afraid of him getting through school. I am not a perfect mother and I do scream and I have potched (not that I am condoning this). One thing I stay far away from are put downs or degrading comments. My biggest fear is for one rebbe or one teacher to make a remark and hurt his confidence, something I have made my lifes work to preserve. If a child loses his confidence, all his talents are overshadowed. So although right now he is currently not on medication, if I found myself at a fork in the road where he was getting under the schools skin I think I would go for it.
I often think to myself of all the things he is capable of. The only problem with children like this is that they work SO SO SO hard to get to where other kids get naturally. Nothing really comes easy for them. I guess that is part of their mission. Only problem is right now its MY mission until he can take responsibility for himself. WE need strength, we need breaks, we need lunch with friends. Anything to keep us sane. I often haunt myself with "am I doing enough?" And I guess at different times and different stages of life that answer differs. To all those with "special needs" children I say Hashem should give you strength, stamina and patience and you should be able to see positive results quickly.

lifecoach

Mon, Mar 07 2011, 11:20 pm

Yasher koach to the wonderful posters. OP, I think you said an important thing about medicating if your son starts to get under the school's skin. I believe that working with a special needs child covers many things. Always of course first, we think about how to "discipline" the child and help him function optimally. Then, there's looking at family structure, and how to keep the home a consistent, and peaceful place, where the parents (if there are both parents) are on the same page with regard to their own lives as well as their children's. And lastly, I'd like to suggest looking at nutrition or supplements. They have helped many children; even done wonders for some. Dr. Ronald Hoffman in Manhattan has done such work, as well as others.

I don't believe medication is a terrible answer, after trying many other possibilities, especially as you say, if the situation might become uncontrollable at school. I applaud you for putting so much energy into trying so many different things - that is how it should be. It is very positive to hear all the wonderful talents and abilities and potential you see in your son. With Hashem's help, it sounds like it will clothe him with great advantages and success.

amother

Tue, Mar 08 2011, 9:27 am

OP, as the mom of a medicated child with ADHD, I can tell you that medication is worth a shot. While I initially was resistant, the psychologist who works with my DS pointed out that, calm as I try to be, I do blow up somethimes when I feel stressed and I am yelling at my child for something he is having a lot of difficulty trying to control. Over a couple years of occasional blow-ups, that is a lot of yelling and stress. That can't really be great for a kid's self esteem. Add that to the fact that the kid will probably be dealing with social issues, since other kids will be scared of his violent outbursts. I told myself that the doctor prescribing the medication is someone with a doctoral degree, who I trust and who has my child's best interest in mind, and if he thought my child needed medication, it wasn't a lifetime commitment, but I needed to say I tried. So I tried and it has helped. But good luck, what you are going through is hard.

amother

Tue, Mar 08 2011, 9:55 am

amother wrote:

If you are going to put your child onto medication eventually then the best advice I can give you is to start as soon as possible. At the age of % I finally put my son on medication it was the best thing I could of done for him. The doctor did tell me the earlier I put him on the earlier I can take him off. My biggest concer was not to hurt himself and his selfesteem thats what the medication are for. If dosn't cure it all you will still have to work with your son to teach him all the skills he needs but it will be a little easier.

Yes!!! I am the second amother that posted and this is what I meant. If a behavioral program is working...fantastic! But if it is not (after a reasonable amount of time) don't delay. All that negative behavior, all your negative feelings, all that negativity is very hard to erase later on. In terms of getting a reprieve like someone above mentioned it can be very hard to find someone willing to watch your more challenging child. If he truly has issues (and it's not a parenting problem) he will behave the same way in grandma's house or a neighbor's house or an aunt's house...and unless you have a really super friend or available mom (who has the emotional stamina for this) it's hard to find time for yourself to recharge. I wish I didn't have to use meds but they can help. Just a note of caution - PLEASE find yourself the BEST mental health professional that you can to help you figure this all out. It is money well spent. Do your research!!!

amother

Tue, Mar 08 2011, 10:04 am

I know how hard this journey is, I'm on it myself. It's can be so sad and stressful while we worry so much about the right thing to do.
When I started on this journey a few years ago with my oldest the first thing I told the Doctor and therapist was I will not use any medication. I am not against medications themself but I was so sure there were other options that would work for me so I wouldn't have to 'drug' my child. I was resistant to the diagnosis of ADHD as well - thinking as I have heard so often that it is an overused cop out diagnosis.

I saw a doctor of oriental medicine combined with behavior/play therapist. I tried blood testing for food sensitivities, hair analysis, elimination dieting, vitamin/ supplements galore, behavioral modification therapies giving each thing 100% effort. After 2.5 years something her therapist had said finally made sense and that was. Some children can succeed with behavioral modification itself but if you child needs Medication it will be like giving your child a gift and I tell you it was.

All my research made me realize that I always had ADD undiagnosed and so much of what I was reading about what can happen if you don't medicate were true about myself. Am I a functioning adult and mother? can I hold a job and hold life together? of course. But how I see it is while we can all use the experiences of life to make us stronger and function with whatever scars of childhood we have - if I can take something that hurts away and prevent a scar -I should do it even if it almost kills me to do it.

Genetics is a wonder and my luck it seems the genetic predisposition for ADHD in my family is strong - 2 kids diagnosed and 1 exhibiting behaviors - with each child I was VERY resistant to the diagnosis but not accepting it never made things better. Behavioral therapies helped but to a point and the older the child the more issues in school and unless you are ready to homeschool - it's a big issue.

What I tell my son who is on medication is that the 'Vitamins' only help you do what you try to do, they don't make you behave, or listen in class, or stop talking - what they do is if you try to stop talking, or do your mathseet - they help you focus on what you are trying to do so you don't get distracted.

Your son is very young and I am dealing with ADHD issues with my 5 year old as well (yay!) and I would never medicate him but he does not have the strong behavioral issues your son is exhibiting - And while it would be wonderful to shadow your son and give him 100% can you? Did you go for a second opinion? what do you think of the diagnosis? does it ring true to your heart? Does he have inattentive or impulsive type? One thing is for sure medication is not easy, it alone isn't the answer, all the medication will do is help level out his brain so that with behavioral modification he can learn the correct way do deal with frustrations and 'life' because with the ADHD he is just not able to properly absorb what is possible if he didn't have these issues. Sometimes we have to think is the fight for normalcy in the family becoming the norm? Is this okay?

At the end of the day know this your frustration comes out of love and your child knows this no matter what - it's the love for a sweet child that will help you make the decisions you need to make and don't ever let anybody tell you what you should do for him - it's your decision alone (with your husband of course lol)

Sorry for the rambling, this is something I strugge with and feel very strongly about.

Hope you can find some peace through the hearbreak.

~ Nina

sneakermom

Tue, Mar 08 2011, 10:08 am

It's important to realize that he is suffering from the way his mind jumps uncontrollably from one thing to the next. My question to you is does he have calm times during the day? Can he start and finish something...like a lego building, or arts and crafts, or something else of his interest? Does he get fulfillment from certain activities? Is he able to play with other kids? Can he fall asleep at night? Are there times that he can control himself? What is he very good at?

It's important to understand all these things because then you better understand what he is going through and how you can help him. Your son sounds very bright but also like he really needs help controlling his overzealous mind. It's not only a question about how everybody else will deal with him, which is also hard, but is he getting enough help for his brain, to help him focus, and calm down so that he can learn and develop throughout childhood.

You sound like a wonderful mother and he is lucky to have you. Realize that your child is very young and you're at the beginning process of trying to give him the help he needs. Allow the process time to unfold. Right now you are using a behavioral program....let's see how that works. What you learn from it...etc. And step by stop you will figure out what specific treatment works best for him. IYH you will see loads of nachas in return. Hatzlachah!

amother

Tue, Mar 08 2011, 10:38 pm

OP here- Sorry didn't get a chance to write back sooner.
I actually took him to martial arts class last week for the first time. He refused to participate and we sat there for over an hour. He seemed more interested once we got home but the instructor told me to wait until he really wants to come so it doesn't become another chore to him.
The thing that scares me most about medication is that I keep saying to myself that it is only something I would do as a last resort. Which would basically mean that things have gotten totally unmanageable and totally out of control. Do I really want to wait that long?? I don't feel like that is fair to me or him. The problem is that no matter who you speak to you get a bias opinion. A psychiatrist always wants to medicate. A behavioral therapist says no try my behavior program. A pediatrician doesn't fully understand the scope of these issues. It just leaves the parents with very little help in making this huge desicion. Especially in the case of my son because he is really very young.
I am gonna sleep on this and call a few people in the morning. I need to try and find the right person to help me make the right choice. If you have any ideas please let me know.

amother

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 9:49 am

OP here- I agree with the above poster but you have to wonder how many kids that are diagnosed with ADHD really have it. Today there is no tolerance for ANY inattentiveness, any hyperactivity, any impulsivity and these are things that each child has. Some more than others which is what changes the outcome of the diagnosis. The terms are thrown around very, very easily today. I think my best bet would be to go for a second opinion, even though money is an issue and it is going to cost me a fortune. I always tell my husband if it was a health issue we would never think twice about the $, we would borrow, we would do anything. We have to view it in the same way, because its real.

goldapoe

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 3:39 pm

OP, my heart goes out to you and I obviously can not give you concrete specific advise for your child but I would like to share a few things with you.

I start with full disclosure: I am a pediatric Occupational Therapist (over 25 years experience) and a mother of a special needs child (Down Syndrome-3.5 years old). You don't mention if your DS has ever been evaluated for Sensory Processing Disorder in addition to the ADHD. If this is an issue, Sensory Integration therapy (with a properly trained OT) can make a huge difference in his ability to interact with and handle the world as well as his own sensory systems. If you don't have much information on this, I can recommend some starter books but there's now a lot of info on the web as well.

Regarding medication. Overall I believe it's right for some and wrong for others but I share with you a situation at my work that makes me think of your child. I work with a smart, funny, adorable child in a small pre-school class but she can not sit more than 2 minutes, is disruptive and has begun encouraging other kids to misbehave. Her parents want to wait till next year to begin medication but all the staff sees that we are just throwing away this year for the child as progress is not only limited but the negative behaviors are being learned and reinforced so that we don't know how it will impact her once she begins the medication. Her learning the material this year is limited as she is almost never in the class when anything is being taught due to behavioral issues.

I wish your family success and serenity!