Is it okay to confront the kid who's bullying my kid?

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Mystery Woman

Tue, Jun 14 2011, 2:35 pm

ora_43 wrote:

Mystery Woman wrote:

ora_43 wrote:

(And if you were smart, you wouldn't confront the attacker at all, just get your own child to safety and let someone else handle the guy with the knife.)

Get your own child to safety...that's the key. First, you protect your kid, whatever it takes. Even if that means taking matters into your own hands. Then, of course involve the authorities.

And who says that what you're doing is going to work? "Getting your child to safety" if they're threatened by an attacker would be removing them from the situation; speaking to an attacker you don't know and then sending your kid back in to deal with them the next day, without the involvement of the adults who will actually be there supervising your child, could be making your child less safe not more.

I am all for involving the adults at the school. But, unfortunately, that doesn't always work - or it takes too long for it to work. In my experience, confronting the bully yourself usually does work.

Nomad

Tue, Jun 14 2011, 2:45 pm

im all for doing whatever it takes to protect your kid. OP has gone the reasonable routes by contacting the kids parents and working with the school and nothing has worked.

"bullying" or scaring the bully sounds reasonable to me to protect her son.

she is not injuring him, just telling him to back off. dont see anything wrong with that.

Mystery Woman

Tue, Jun 14 2011, 2:47 pm

Nomad wrote:

gryp

Tue, Jun 14 2011, 2:47 pm

Quote:

I think I'm just picturing a different outcome than most amothers. If I imagine a situation where parents would all deal with reports of bullying themselves, I don't picture bullies being dealt with in an appropriate manner. I imagine that the most vocal parents would be the problematic parents - probably the parents of the bullies themselves - who would go around threatening any child their child accuses of anything.

I also think that very few parents of bullied children would be able to confront effectively; most would either unintentionally take an overly harsh approach and end up bullying themselves, or would unintentionally spur the bully on (if a parent confronted bullies in high school, for example, I can only imagine how much more bullying their child would take as a result).

Yup. Not a pretty picture.
Usually the parent of the victim doesn't have an objective mindset, enough to deal with it properly. And then you have the bully parents him/herself. No thanks, not near my kids. Or anyone's.

AlwaysGrateful

Tue, Jun 14 2011, 3:09 pm

Gryp -- I really don't understand you. Have you ever been bullied? Witnessed ongoing bullying? Seen what it does to a kid?

I agree, and I think that most people on this thread do: the first step (and maybe even the second and third) should be to go to the school, the teacher, the administration, and maybe even the bully's parents.

If that doesn't work, though...how long are you going to wait? Wait and hope that maybe, someday, your kid won't be bullied anymore? If you were a little six year old, completely helpless, and had someone bullying you every day and you felt unable to stop it, and your parents just keep on saying something about "talking to the school administration" while you're constantly being picked on...how would you feel?

I think yo'ure underestimating the pain that the bullied kid feels. Or that you're very idealistic about whether the schools can actually help stop the bullying.

No, I would not want the bully to go on to bully another kid. But if my kid is being hurt RIGHT NOW, I would not wait around for more than a given amount of time for the school to do something. If I tried several times and my kid was still being bullied, I would rather stop him from bullying my kid than hold back because maybe someone will find a way to stop him from bullying forever.

Maybe. But maybe not.

gryp

Tue, Jun 14 2011, 3:14 pm

AG- I bet there could be a couple hundred mothers writing the same post you just did. But again, that's emotion, not reason. Reason would mean that you'd be able to answer your own posts from what I've written so far on this thread.

Mystery Woman

Tue, Jun 14 2011, 3:17 pm

gryp wrote:

I think there's plenty of reason mixed in there with the emotion. My kid is being hurt and I'm going to do whatever it takes to stop it. Perfectly reasonable.

anonymrs

Tue, Jun 14 2011, 3:25 pm

As a teacher in a boys school, I can tell you that it is CRUCIAL that the bullying be stopped immediately. If the parents of the bully and the school are not willing to step in and help then YOU as the parent of the victim MUST MUST MUST step in immediately and put a stop to the bullying. Once you are sure that your child is safe, you should confront the administration of your child's school. It is completely unacceptable to have this kind of behavior continue in a school. You have NO IDEA what this can turn into.

OP, please please please do whatever you can to ensure your child's safety. Even if it means confronting the bully. You can address the long-term issue once you are certain that your child is not being bullied.

ora_43

Tue, Jun 14 2011, 3:34 pm

I think when people mention more serious bullying, it's important to note that kind of bullying can't be stopped through confrontation. When you hear about a child chv"s committing suicide after being bullied, it's almost always 1. something that happened in high school, not elementary 2. something that involved several people picking on one individual, not something between just two kids.

It's not like those terrible cases could have been stopped just by a parent showing up at school and telling off the perpetrators. That approach probably would have made things worse.

A case like the OP describes is different, because it's younger kids and there's an age difference between them and it's just the one kid. I just think that since more serious bullying is being brought in (whether it relates to the OP's case or not), it should be noted that a case like that would require a totally different approach than anything mentioned here so far.

Barbara

Tue, Jun 14 2011, 3:40 pm

AlwaysGrateful wrote:

Now I want to ask how YOU would feel if an adult came up to your kid and made threats against her. Told her that if she didn't stop doing something or other, that adult was going to call the police, and have your kid taken away from you.

How would you feel if your kid was bullied and threatened and terrorized by an adult.

Because that is what your're advocating.

Better yet, the next time one of your kids complains about the actions of the other, have a stranger come and make those statements to the child complained of. Without your seeing or asking the other child what happened. Make that assumption. And have your child bullied.

It seems to me that the mother in this case probably does have a pretty good idea of the dynamic between her child and the other child, particularly in light of the age difference. But in many cases, that's not the case, and in a good percentage of cases, there's more to the story than one child is sharing.

I'll make this up as I go along. Yossi is in 4th grade. Six months ago, his mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a radical mastectomy, but the cancer metastasized, and she is undergoing chemo. His father is working hard to care for her, Yossi and his 4 siblings, and to work, but he had to reduce his hours. Money is very tight. There are days when he cannot cook meals, and all the kids get to eat is the bowl of cereal and water (no money for milk) that Yossi, the oldest, pours for them. Yossi has begun to act out, including stealing food from other kids because he's hungry. The school is working with him and his parents, including having him see a counselor that the school is paying for. But there are still issues. Dad has received calls from other families about Yossi, but can't even face returning them. And what to say? Everyone is doing their best, and the school is trying to keep a handle on Yossi as well. The school, of course, cannot share this information with others, so merely informs parents that they're working with Yossi.

anonymrs

Tue, Jun 14 2011, 3:43 pm

ora_43 wrote:

ora, if this isn't stopped now, it will continue for years. When the bully is in 8th grade and the victim in 4th, trust me, terrible things can happen. You can PM me if you want to know what happened in the school I taught in.

ora_43

Tue, Jun 14 2011, 3:49 pm

anonymrs wrote:

I'm not sure what this has to do with what I just said.

I'm also not sure why you're assuming that if OP doesn't take the law into her own hands, the bullying will continue for another four years. OP didn't say how long this has been going on, what the school has done so far, how many times she's contacted the school or who she's met with, etc - why does everyone seem to be assuming that she's tried everything and this is the only solution left? She did say that she's left two messages with the other child's parents, which to me indicates that there are still other channels left open.

gryp

Tue, Jun 14 2011, 3:49 pm

Quote:

It doesn't get any simpler. When parents recognize that they are saying okay to another parent coming to threaten their own child, they usually understand that this way should not be acceptable.

gryp

Tue, Jun 14 2011, 3:52 pm

Mystery Woman wrote:

gryp wrote:

I think there's plenty of reason mixed in there with the emotion. My kid is being hurt and I'm going to do whatever it takes to stop it. Perfectly reasonable.

That's all emotion. Okay, maybe 99.999 since yes, it's reasonable to protect your child.
Reason would be the mature response that will solve the problem effectively.

gryp

Tue, Jun 14 2011, 3:54 pm

ora_43 wrote:

Yes, lumping all kinds of bullying together is completely emotional, and not logical. A child who is bullied by one in preschool and elementary may go on to be bullied in high school by several peers, but besides that, these are two different scenarios with two different ways of solving it.

ora_43

Tue, Jun 14 2011, 3:55 pm

Barbara

When I look back at my time in school and remember who the bullies were, nearly all had terrible home lives. That's not an excuse to torment another child, but it does explain why it's not so simple to "do something" and why an adult trying to scare them will usually at very best turn their attention elsewhere and at worst make things worse. These kids are often used to adults trying to scare them and if you aren't willing to beat them up, well, they've dealt with worse before.

Mystery Woman

Tue, Jun 14 2011, 3:56 pm

gryp wrote:

Mystery Woman wrote:

gryp wrote:

I think there's plenty of reason mixed in there with the emotion. My kid is being hurt and I'm going to do whatever it takes to stop it. Perfectly reasonable.

That's all emotion. Okay, maybe 99.999 since yes, it's reasonable to protect your child.
Reason would be the mature response that will solve the problem effectively.

Yes...reason would be the mature response. The question here is what would be considered a mature response, and that's where we disagree.

gryp

Tue, Jun 14 2011, 3:56 pm

Quote:

in a good percentage of cases, there's more to the story than one child is sharing.

Absolutely. Which is why if it's going on in school, absolutely call up the teacher and find out what's been going on with your kid and the other. A child's one-sided viewpoint isn't necessarily even half of the story. And that's logic, not emotion.

amother

Tue, Jun 14 2011, 4:19 pm

My adult approached my bully when I was in 7th grade, and it didn't do anything. The bully just laughed it off and kept at it.

amother

Tue, Jun 14 2011, 4:20 pm

Amother from above: I meant to say my adult sister approached the bully.

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