I can't do it all! (vent)

amother

Sun, Oct 23 2011, 4:26 pm

DH has a persistent case of hand dermatitis and isn't allowed to get his hands wet any more than absolutely necessary. I always appreciated his help around the house, even though I still felt like I did the lion's share, but now I'm totally overwhelmed. This sounds a little silly because I know there are women who always do everything and some people even take it for granted that that's the default way of the world. But I just can't do it.

I have never really been the domestic type, but I always sort of muddle through and try to keep a balance with the other parts of my personality. But I am just so bogged down now! And I only have a tiny apartment and one kid and I still can't cope! I just can't handle doing ALL the laundry and ALL the diapers and ALL the dishes and ALL the cleaning and ALL the food prep.

I used to be so calm and loving... well, most of the time... and now I just feel like I'm constantly overworked and resentful. It was the little bits of helpfulness from DH that made me feel like part of a team. DH is still wonderful and supportive and I know this isn't his fault but I'm just so grumpy about it. I can't seem to hold myself together at all. Any time he asks me for anything I feel like snapping.

DON'T say I should get cleaning help because there is absolutely NO way I can afford ANY at this time. We just had a number of extra expenses recently, and we're just about scraping by as it is.

Kumphort

Sun, Oct 23 2011, 4:29 pm

I know that this is going to sound too simple, but can he wear gloves around the house to help out?

amother

Sun, Oct 23 2011, 4:38 pm

Kumphort wrote:

I know that this is going to sound too simple, but can he wear gloves around the house to help out?

No because cloth gloves won't keep out moisture, and plastic/latex/vinyl gloves keep moisture (sweat) in. It's supposed to be OK to wear them briefly when really needed, but his hands weren't healing well enough (started to heal and then got worse again) so now we're being extra extra careful.

Liba

Sun, Oct 23 2011, 4:49 pm

Have you tried cloth gloves inside rubber gloves... It is what worked for me. The cloth absorbs the sweat and the rubber gloves keep outside moisture out.

It works for a sink of dishes or a dirty diaper, not for keeping on all day, but it does the job for short stretches.

Hatzlacha finding a way to get the help you need while allowing DH to heal!! Refuah shelayma to your DH.

amother

Sun, Oct 23 2011, 4:53 pm

Liba wrote:

Will have to try that. Even one diaper a day would probably help at this point, the feeling of everything being on me is almost as bad as the actual volume of work.

Though I still can't believe the sheer volume of work it takes to maintain a couple with a baby. We don't even cloth diaper or anything fancy. Just the basic three meals a day, one outfit a day per person, and lunch is eaten at work/yeshiva/babysitter so no dishes for that even! Yeeeesh...

chocolate moose

Sun, Oct 23 2011, 5:43 pm

I also had that to a certain extent. I still had to do certain things and it really persisted for a long time.

If he isn't willing to "risk" having the problem, you DEF need to simplify, etc.

amother

Sun, Oct 23 2011, 5:45 pm

We can't "risk" the problem, it was really bad eating away the tips of his fingers which he really needs (more so than most people even). But what do you mean by simplify? I don't think we're especially complicated. And I'm not even a clean freak, just trying to maintain basic living standards...

TranquilityAndPeace

Sun, Oct 23 2011, 6:38 pm

Can he do other things that don't involve getting wet:

vacuuming
folding laundry
cleaning up toys
organizing shelves
dealing with paperwork/ mail, etc.

Refuah shlaimah to him!!

Raisin

Sun, Oct 23 2011, 6:39 pm

why can't he do stuff like fold laundry, put away toys, sort out misc mess (non food related)?

and sweep the floors, no water required there, unless he needs to wash his hands after.

amother

Sun, Oct 23 2011, 6:57 pm

Yes he does those things - sweep, fold, some of the tidying up. But the VAST majority of work, in particular the things I hate the most, are wet/dirty. Bottom line, I'm still overwhelmed and not coping. Sad

mummiedearest

Sun, Oct 23 2011, 7:36 pm

so make a list of what he CAN do. he may be able to help more than you think.

he can:

sweep
mop
place dirty laundry into washing machine
remove clean laundry from drier
fold laundry
put away laundry
set table
clear off table
clear old food out of fridge
wipe crumbs off table
get baby dressed
feed baby bottle/food
vacuum carpet
vacuum inside of couch
dust (get a duster if he doesn't want the dust near his hands)
clean inside toilet with brush
clean bathtub with a sponge on a stick
make beds
arrange linen closet
take out garbage

can anyone add anything else to this list? as you see here, op, the only part of laundry you HAVE to do is transfer the wet clothing from the washer to they drier. he really could do the rest of that particular chore if you need him to.

about cooking: make simple crock pot suppers. I posted a bunch ages ago, if you want I can find the link. double the recipe and serve leftovers for a night or two. at this point I tend to make supper 2-3 times a week, not counting shabbos. one pot dinners are great. for breakfast, you can have cereal and milk. if you don't like that, how about instant oatmeal? you can just heat up some water and add it to the oatmeal. you don't need to buy the expensive flavored packets if you don't want to, you can get a large container of plain oatmeal and let him flavor his own. I doubt that will bother him. and if your baby is on somewhat chunky solids, s/he'll love it. if you want to feel accomplished about making breakfast, how about toast with cottage cheese and sliced fruit/veggies? not much food prep there unless your a serious rabbit.

b'h my husband doesn't have a hand problem, but he does work very long hours. I do the vast majority of the housework myself. he does most of the laundry these days because I am pregnant and can't shlep up and down stairs, and he's always WILLING to help, but I have a hard time asking him to do chores when I haven't seen him all day. it helps that I have systems to certain things (such as laundry) and it helps to have a general schedule. but it takes a long time to develop a system/schedule that works for you, especially once you have a kid. it's ok to feel this is overwhelming, even if you live in a small apartment. would you consider doing a fifteen minute cleanup with your husband every evening? set a timer, clean whatever you can within those fifteen minutes. stop when the timer buzzes, and leave everything else for another time unless it is time sensitive (you may want to wash the dishes after, but I doubt you'll need to do much else right then). I suspect you'll have an easier time once you start this.

good luck!

FranticFrummie

Mon, Oct 24 2011, 3:28 am

My mom suffered for years and YEARS with hand dermatitis, so I know how horrible it is. At one point, she almost lost all of her fingernails. She was a sign language interpreter, and she'd be out of work for months at a time because of the pain - not to mention the ugly, bleeding, bright red rashes. Sad

I recently found out that I have a tendency to get dermatitis, too. My hands were swollen, and I couldn't get my rings off. I went ahead and made challah, and then washed all of the dishes. The combination of yeast and gross dishwater was trapped under my wedding ring, and I ended up with a huge rash. I couldn't wear my rings for a month (and I'd just gotten married! Crying

)

What worked for me was to get some heavy duty athlete's foot cream like Tinactin, and put it on at least 5 to 8 times a day. You could try having DH cover his hands in it, and the go to bed at night with thin cotton gloves on to hold the medicine in. It's not a quick cure, but it will bring down the inflammation enough for the body to get the upper hand and start healing again.

I second trying to get DH to do as many of the "dry" jobs as possible. See if you can switch to paper plates for a while, or cook one pot meals that can be served in a bowl, like beef stew served over noodles, curry over rice, etc. Crock pot liners make cleanup a snap (I HATE scrubbing my crock pot!). Casseroles are good one dish meals too. Much less cleanup, for sure. Make triple batches and freeze the leftovers if you have room in your freezer. We got an upright freezer in our garage, and it's saved my sanity. Thank G-d my DH likes leftovers, as long as I rotate them often enough.

Ooh, I just had another idea. If your DH wants to try using latex gloves, dust some Gold Bond Medicated Powder inside of the gloves first. Not only will it absorb moisture, but it will help control bacteria too.

amother

Mon, Oct 24 2011, 11:24 am

Haha Imamother rocks! I came here for a pity party and instead I got a shove in the right direction. Thanks all!

DH is starting to find more dry jobs he can do. I also passed along the idea to put cloth gloves inside rubber gloves to absorb the sweat, so we can try that in the next time of great need. I also like the 15-minute cleanup idea, though it sounds like that would leave quite a lot undone... will have to try and see.

I guess it's just hard to adjust to changing the routines that had been working for us so nicely.