Giving positive attention without labeling kids

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Preschoolers

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Tease

Sat, Dec 31 2011, 10:09 pm

I have 2 sons, ages 3.5 and almost 2. recently, whenever I tell the younger one to do or not to do something (not to stand on his chair; to put on his coat, etc.), my older one will say, "mommy, I'm not doing XYZ..." (I'm not standing on my chair; I have my coat on, etc.) He apparently wants me to praise him and give him attention, which I dont mind doing, but I dont want it to cause labeling of my kids, like ds1 is the "good" one and ds2 is the "troublemaker". They BH get along very well, but he does blame ds2 for lots of things. I want to encourage his good behavior without labeling them as the one who listens vs. the one who doesnt.
So how do I respond when he says things like that? it sometimes happens all throughout the morning routine!

granolamom

Sat, Dec 31 2011, 10:18 pm

my youngests are 4.5 and 2, the larger age gap makes the dynamic a bit different, but here's what I do. usually when I tell dd (2) to put on her coat or not stand on a chair and ds (4) points out how he's doing what I want, I say something like "I know, you're so big you know how to put on your coat, lets teach her to do it too". hopefully dd goes along with my request and I can say "oh, you're both putting on your coats" or "see...she's learning from you!". I hear you about not wanting to label one as 'good' and the other as not. it can get tricky sometimes.

imasinger

Sat, Dec 31 2011, 10:56 pm

"That's because when you were 2, I told you not to do it and you learned better, just like your brother will. I'm so proud of the way you both are learning."

Tease

Sun, Jan 01 2012, 8:46 pm

Thanks for the suggestions. ill try them out. The thing is, I do want to give the older one attention, and many times the younger one purposely doesn't listen.

5*Mom

Mon, Jan 02 2012, 2:51 am

"DS2 is so lucky to have a big brother like you to learn from!"

shalhevet

Mon, Jan 02 2012, 3:52 am

I would really try and avoid praising him in this way, if you possibly can. I'm trying to think of a positive way to stop it. Because, basically, what he is saying is avak lashon hara - the "dust" of LH which is also forbidden. Avak LH is hinting at something to put someone else in a bad light. I don't know if he is old enough to understand the concept.

Be very careful, because you are aware enough to see that they are slipping into roles and this can be a big problem. The "goody two shoes" feels he always has to be perfect for his parents to love him - which can lead to problems further down the line like lying and telling tales. The other child ends up getting attention for being "bad".

Maybe you can try and pre-empt what he says - immediately praise him for putting on his coat and help your ds2 to also do so, saying something like "isn't it great when we put on our coats so quickly? Soon ds2 will be able to do it himself too".

Tease

Mon, Jan 02 2012, 2:06 pm

thanks for all the replies.
He wont understand the avak lashon hara thing. but it really is tricky not to let kids slip into roles!
I will try giving him positive attention in other areas, not in front of his brother, since I do feel like I should be praising him more. and in front of his brother, I think the other suggestions would work.
Ill try it all out!

granolamom

Tue, Jan 03 2012, 6:39 pm

honestly, I dont think this is such a huge deal. your kids are really little. it sounds to me that the older wants the attention focused on him (normal, especially for oldests). the little one purposely doesnt listen because he's two and playing around with the concept of independence (also normal).
I think as long as you dont label them in your mind as the one who listens and the one who doesnt, they wont label themselves or each other.
just my opinion

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Jan 03 2012, 8:52 pm

"Good job". "Well done"

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