was this abusive? | Imamother

amother

Sun, Jan 01 2012, 10:45 am

Bedtime w/ my 3yo has been TERRIBLE. We recently got rid of his passy equivalent & since then bedtime includes like 15-30 min of hysterics & singing w/ him till he falls asleep. he doesn't take a nap anymore either. The screaming drives me mad & I literally have to hold him down till he calms down. tonight, he's screaming a flailing away, I'm holding him down & finally I cupped my hand over his mouth. I know this is really scary for a kid, I was so fed up w/ the screaming (it obviously doesn't work)-he could still breath. Is that considered abusive? p.s. His gannenet is going to ask someone if maybe he's not ready to get rid of his passy & if we should give it back.

chayamiriam

Sun, Jan 01 2012, 10:52 am

Yes, Yes, Yes this is abusive! Holding your hand over a child's mouth is abuse and dangerous!! Your three year old is just behaving like a three year old but your not behaving as a parent. I am sorry to be so harsh but your behavior was not in control. Please try to read up on some parenting tips letting him scream and cry is ok too, but holding your hand over his mouth is not. If you remind yourself that he is three and is doing what most three year olds do you won't have such a hard time listening to his screaming!!! I really think your should try to learn more tips about handling your toddler without putting your hands over his mouth!!!

amother

Sun, Jan 01 2012, 10:58 am

op here-I know it was not ok. I asked if he wanted to go into his crib (he's been in a bed for months now) he calmed right down & went there. I walked out & calmed down. when he was 1/2 asleep I went back in, apologized, asked if it was scary & that I shouldn't do it again. said I love you a few times, gave kisses & he smiled & rolled over. I knew as I was doing it that it was wrong & that it's terrible to use physical force on kids.

chayamiriam

Sun, Jan 01 2012, 11:05 am

Then just treat it as a lesson for you that you can never be out of control with a toddler. You are just teaching him negative behavior is ok because my mom does it too. But its good that you thought about it and now look for steps you can take to make sure that it never happens, like walking out of the room even if he is screaming or calling for someone else to come in a deal with him if possible. Just make sure you never repeat that even if your child is out of control which will happen with a three year old YOU MUST BE IN CONTROL!!!

havefaith

Sun, Jan 01 2012, 11:22 am

people, tell her how to deal with the situation. poor mother! I can so relate my kids can also be so hard to manage sometimes. I tell my kid that misbehaves that I will put him in the corner and that usually helps. If not then I actually put him in the corner for three minutes and it calms him down and then I give him a hug and tell him why he was in the corner. Usually he behaves well after.

mamommommy

Sun, Jan 01 2012, 11:34 am

I agree that it's really inappropriate, but I wouldn't call it abusive.

On a side note, it does not sound as if your child was ready to give up the pacifier, and may not even be ready for a big bed. Some children cannot handle the "open" feeling of being in a bed as opposed to a crib. They feel less secure and therefore find it harder to relax and settle down to sleep.

If you really want him in a big bed (which I would understand given his age), then you might want to try a toddler bed, which is smaller and has bars on both side and can be more comforting and less intimidating for a small child. Otherwise, make sure that there is a bed rail on the big bed to keep him feeling more enclosed, and if that's not good enough, he may like a bed tent which will completely surround the bed.

I'm not a big fan of pacifiers in the first place, but even less of a fan of taking away a comfort item before a child is ready. The pacifier is used by the child as a tool for soothing. Once taught to use that to soothe oneself, it can be hard for a child to learn to self-soothe in another way and you should be careful not to take away their one source of comfort (the pacifier) before they are mature enough to learn to soothe themselves in other ways. Since the ganennet is also involved, I would imagine that this is also impacting on his daytime behavior as well.

Bedtime should be a period of calm and cuddling. The fact that you have to hold your child down while he screams should signal you that something is off. I wonder if your child has difficulty with other transition times during the day. This may indicate a sensory issue, which can easily be addressed either by you or with occupational therapy. Try to pinpoint when it is and why, that he loses control and starts screaming.

mamommommy

Sun, Jan 01 2012, 11:51 am

I also want to add that you really do not need to be so involved with getting your son to fall asleep, especially if it is making you crazy. With bedtime, yes, you should lovingly bathe him, read him a story, and sing shema, but then give a kiss and hug, say goodnight and leave the room. If he screams, he screams. You can go back to the door and blow a reassuring kiss at him so he knows you're still there, but you don't need to hold him down until he falls asleep. He'll eventually go to sleep on his own.

paprika

Sun, Jan 01 2012, 11:54 am

amother wrote:

donno about the not having his pacifier by the bar mitzva thing.
what I do know is that someone told my molter this same thing about weaning my sister of sucking her thumb.
and now shes 42 and still does that. it just grosses me out!

OP said a pacifier. Not a thumb.

I'm absolutely sure that he won't go to his bar mitzvah with a pacifier. OP, please give it back to him. He'll give it up when he's ready. Having a pacifier in the crib only is not harmful enough and not worth picking a fight over. There are many battles that your gonna want to win over him in your lifetime. Save your victories.

Changing your mind cause your toddler cries is not a good idea. I would come up with something creative, like somebody give him a paci as a gift, or something like that.

Last edited by paprika on Sun, Jan 01 2012, 12:06 pm; edited 1 time in total

ewa-jo

Sun, Jan 01 2012, 11:57 am

I have toddlers too, I can sympathise and wouldn't call you an abuser.

That being said, if your toddler turns on the hysterics, you have to learn how to ignore it...as hard as it may be. Their behavior will persist as long as they know that they're getting a reaction from you. Put your child to bed, calm them and soothe them... and then leave. Take a long shower or put your ipod headphones in and wash the dishes.

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Jan 01 2012, 12:58 pm

People say children don't come with an instruction manual. But they do. If you pay attention, the child will tell you how to raise it.

You got clear signals you were pushing the wrong levers, shorting the machine's motor, causing steam to come out the wrong cracks, and bells, and flashing lights, and everything. You chose to ignore the plain message. Now here you are, on Imamother, feeling not so good about something.

For crying out loud, pun intended, slow down and read the directions.

Imagine yourself old, perhaps in an elder care facility. That day will come. Your kid is now grown, and busy. You are being demanding. Not because you are a mean old lady, but because you truly do need something, but the kid doesn't need that, and can't understand. And, you are just not clever any more and can't fully articulate your finely nuanced position on why a blanket is needed in August because of poor circulation. Well. Now it is your turn to draw down the bank balance of patience and empathy you built up, so long, long ago. Backk when Mr. or Miss was helpless, clueless and needed something nobody could understand because they themselves didn't need it.

Hillel, call your office.

Don't beat yourself, just do better next time. Nobody's perfect. There is no perfect rose, no perfect Spring, no perfect mother, and no perfect childhood. Perfect is in mathematics and in Shemayim.

As you were, soldier.

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Jan 01 2012, 1:03 pm

ewa-jo wrote:

You are quite right - what works for the child, gets him results, you will see more of.

However, I never left the room until the kid was fully asleep. I didn't like that when my own mother did it. It didn't cost me anything I couldn't spare, including a little lie-down, by me, on a blanket, spread on the hard wooden floor. We are all fine today, employed, married, everything.

There was also a cup of water by the bed, in an unbreakable container. No getting up in the middle of the night for that. A small nightlight. And today they have the kind that go on if there is a power outage, such progress.

chocolate chips

Sun, Jan 01 2012, 11:00 pm

If this is what you have to deal with maybe give his pacifier back? Even if just for bed time it will make life easier for you and calmer for him.

One of my siblings had a paci. till he was 5! My father threw his into a fire on his own accord when he was 7 and spent the next week crying for it!
Its not a nice thing to be seen with at an older age but if that is what calms and relaxes them let it.

leomom

Mon, Jan 02 2012, 1:42 pm

A three-year-old who is not ready for a certain transition is not going to be rational. If there's a pressing reason that a parent must impose a transition (of any kind) it should ideally be done very gradually and with a lot of compassion... and tears are still expected, even yelling... but that's if there really has to be a transition made.

In the case of a pacifier, it's probably just arbitrary to say that at age three, it's time to give it up. I don't have personal experience with this particular transition because none of my kids had pacifiers, but in general I think kids adapt to change well when they are ready.

It's frustrating and upsetting to hear a child screaming, and I think every parent has had the urge to cover a child's mouth, as horrible as that sounds. But remember that a three-year-old in distress is not going to say, "Excuse me, mother, but this change is happening too fast. I'm not ready. May I please have my pacifier?" He's going to cry and scream.

It's not "giving in to screaming" to backtrack in this situation. It's listening to the clear message your child is giving you. You can tell your child, "It seems like you're really not ready to give up the pacifier. You're getting so big and grown-up, I think you won't need it much longer. So pretty soon, when you're ready, we can try again to sleep without it. But for now, you can still use it. I'm proud of you for trying."

That may actually plant a seed in his mind that will sprout at the right time - and he may surprise you in a few days or a few weeks (or months) by saying he doesn't need the pacifier anymore because he's getting so big now.

5*Mom

Mon, Jan 02 2012, 1:50 pm

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