Are you hesitant about single men sleeping over?

amother

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 12:00 pm

I can hardly sleep when single men are sleeping over. I always feel like I have to check up on my kids in their rooms.

amother

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 12:07 pm

I simply don't allow it, thus no worries.

If I somehow ended up with single men sleeping over I'd probably take my kids into our bedroom for the night. Yes, I'm that paranoid.

Ruchel

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 12:11 pm

I don't associate single men with a danger to children. I wouldn't be more hesitant than a married man. I wouldn't have anyone we don't know to sleep, not even a female.
With a guy, married or not, the problem would be that I have to be tznius "like in the street" every time he may see me, and it would be really annoying.

granolamom

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 12:22 pm

I no longer have single men over to sleep. or married men without their wives. this does not include relatives that we know well.
our guest room is near my dd's room, but on the other side of the house from the rest of the bedrooms. it just makes me uncomfortable.

I'm not sure how this will change (if at all) once my ds is older and invites friends over. do you not allow your teenage son to have sleepover guests for shabbos?

Barbara

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 12:23 pm

amother wrote:

I simply don't allow it, thus no worries.

If I somehow ended up with single men sleeping over I'd probably take my kids into our bedroom for the night. Yes, I'm that paranoid.

I find this so very troubling.

The message you are sending to your children is that all men are violent and uncontrollable and dangerous. The message that you are sending to your sons is that this is what you think of them, and that no matter how wonderful they are, you really think of them as evil and uncontrollable.

I'm not suggesting that parents not be vigilant, or that they invite random men to sleep over. But the irrational fear of all men needs to stop.

Oh, and OP, MOST child molestors are married, or have been married. So you'd be better off fearing the married ones.

Ruchel

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 12:26 pm

I have never encountered this fear of men as animals who not only WILL cheat on their wife, but may often molest a few kids too, outside of Imamother. How does it help those who are or try to be normal to show them "all men are beasts"? It just excuses the beasts. They are men, ya know. Men will be men. Oy.

chocolate chips

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 12:27 pm

Why are all men bad? There are stories of nursery teachers (females) abusing/hurting kids too.

I only really have people I know or dh knows sleeping over and I don't worry that they will go into ds room and hurt him because it's my house and they should know better than that. Besides I have a baby monitor and besides that I trust people and I don't think that every single man will have that urge to abuse and hurt a child. Most people are better than that.

amother

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 12:28 pm

OP here. I guess I wrote single because the assumption is that a married man with his wife there isn't as likely to try something. But you're right about married men.

Barbara

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 12:29 pm

amother wrote:

OP here. I guess I wrote single because the assumption is that a married man with his wife there isn't as likely to try something. But you're right about married men.

Two words. Jerry Sandusky.

Raisin

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 12:30 pm

we are less likely to host men. But, if we know them well we might invite them. Certainly not people we have not met.

But I guess it is always good to be vigilant.

I also dislike having male guests since we have no ensuite bathroom.

Barbara, I guess they assume that a married man who is staying with you with his wife is unlikely to do anything.

Isn't it true that abuse is usually done by people close to the child - uncle, bil, close neighbour. not a random stranger.

ewa-jo

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 12:33 pm

If (chas v'shalom!) someone were to molest my child, I would prefer to have them sleeping in my house because it would make it easier for me to find them and stab them with a knife.

(nope.. not joking... I'm a big fan of vigilante justice and ftr, it would prolly be in the shoulder... not to kill, just to injure)

black sheep

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 12:37 pm

I agree with barbara, it is very harmful to teach your children to be scared of all men. not only does this give them irrational fears, it will not teach them the proper tools to protect themselves. rather, it is important to teach them boundaries and which BEHAVIORS (not people) are inappropriate. do you plan on never having your brothers/ brothers in law/ teenage son's friends, etc over? because all men are suspicious to you? and if you do feel this way, just be aware that most molesting comes from extended family and friends, so ironically the men you deem "safe" are the ones most likely to harm your children in this way. not to make you even more paranoid. but this is why you should teach about inappropriate behaviors, because there is no such thing as a safe person, family or stranger, man or woman.

Ruchel

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 12:39 pm

ewa-jo wrote:

I would react the same. Lo alenu. Except I would probably be too angry to control where I stab.

black sheep

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 12:40 pm

by the way, male or female, no one should ever host a sleepover guest that they do not know. no matter how jewish they are.

granolamom

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 12:44 pm

amother wrote:

OP here. I guess I wrote single because the assumption is that a married man with his wife there isn't as likely to try something. But you're right about married men.

while I know that not all single guys are evil and some married guys are, even halacha differentiates the two when it comes to hilchos yichud.

Barbara

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 12:48 pm

Raisin wrote:

Raisin, Sandusky is a former assistant football coach accused of molesting children, including in a downstairs bedroom in his home while his wife was upstairs.

If you're concerned about someone, don't have them sleep over, with or without a spouse.

Ruchel

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 1:00 pm

granolamom wrote:

amother wrote:

OP here. I guess I wrote single because the assumption is that a married man with his wife there isn't as likely to try something. But you're right about married men.

while I know that not all single guys are evil and some married guys are, even halacha differentiates the two when it comes to hilchos yichud.

Like what?