Are you hesitant about single men sleeping over?

chani8

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 1:29 pm

ewa-jo wrote:

If (chas v'shalom!) someone were to molest my child, I would prefer to have them sleeping in my house because it would make it easier for me to find them and stab them with a knife.

(nope.. not joking... I'm a big fan of vigilante justice and ftr, it would prolly be in the shoulder... not to kill, just to injure)

Sorry, but if you don't kill him, he can sue you. A police officer once told dh that if you have to defend yourself, aim to kill.

vicki

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 1:34 pm

black sheep wrote:

I agree with barbara, it is very harmful to teach your children to be scared of all men. not only does this give them irrational fears, it will not teach them the proper tools to protect themselves.

How is not having men over teaching children anything? My kids have no idea who I DON'T have over. And they would never notice that kind of pattern. We don't have many unrelated single women over either.

chani8

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 1:36 pm

Barbara wrote:

Raisin wrote:

we are less likely to host men. But, if we know them well we might invite them. Certainly not people we have not met.

But I guess it is always good to be vigilant.

I also dislike having male guests since we have no ensuite bathroom.

Barbara, I guess they assume that a married man who is staying with you with his wife is unlikely to do anything.

Isn't it true that abuse is usually done by people close to the child - uncle, bil, close neighbour. not a random stranger.

Raisin, Sandusky is a former assistant football coach accused of molesting children, including in a downstairs bedroom in his home while his wife was upstairs.

If you're concerned about someone, don't have them sleep over, with or without a spouse.

This!

We trust until proven otherwise, but always exercise caution. We totally aren't the type that artscroll tries to idealize, as the people whose home is always open to guests. Why take chances. And when we do have guests, we are the last ones to bed and all kids keep their doors closed at night.

spring13

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 1:37 pm

I don't have people sleep over that I don't know, or who are not known personally by the one who asked me to have them. Being petrified of EVERY SINGLE MAN WHO IS NOT YOUR HSUBAND sounds unhealthy to me.

There's being stupidly trusting, and there's being stupidly untrusting. Instead of assuming that everyone is evil or everyone is perfect, use some seichel and make decisions about who does or does not sleep in your home. Oh, and teach your kids about what is or is not ok for people to say/do to them while you're at it.

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 2:40 pm

In a word, I am not hesitant at all about inviting single men to sleep over in our home.
I dont think about such things.
We know most of our guests and even when we have had guests from yeshivot or places like that, it never even crossed my mind about anything sinister.

amother

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 2:56 pm

vicki wrote:

black sheep wrote:

I agree with barbara, it is very harmful to teach your children to be scared of all men. not only does this give them irrational fears, it will not teach them the proper tools to protect themselves.

I agree. It's not like we have a sign on our door that says SINGLE MEN NOT WELCOME HERE.
Truthfully, we live off the beaten track so there is no rush of young single men looking to spend shabbos here anyhow. But the way my house is set up, with all the bedrooms close together except for our master bedroom on the other end of the house, I simply could never be comfortable with any strangers here, especially single men. If all the bedrooms were upstairs and I had a guest room in the basement I would probably feel differently. Before I had kids we'd take in anyone. Not anymore. My family's safety comes first and if somebody thinks I'm a nutcase, oh well.

hadasa

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 3:01 pm

We and the kids sleep on a different floor from the guest room. Guests generally do not come upstairs. But in any case, there's no way to isolate kids from single men unless you give up on all camp and Yeshivah.

eschaya

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 3:23 pm

We have guests sleep over often - men and women, married and single - and nothing like this ever crossed my mind. What a sad world we live in.
Call me naive or foolishly trusting, but I won't let irrational androphobia stop me from doing hachnasas orchim and teaching my children to do the same. I won't let it prevent someone from being closer to shul on shabbos, or being in town for a family simcha, or attending a shabbaton, etc.

NaturalMom

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 3:24 pm

Our guestroom is in the basement and our family sleeps on the second floor. We have all sorts of random people sleep over. I think I would feel differently if the guestroom was right next to mine or my children's.

spring13

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 3:53 pm

farm wrote:

Stop with the "I never have people who I DON'T know over." Your children are so much more likely to be molested by someone who you do know!

So then lets all live in isolated cabins on the Siberian tundra, that way we'll never come into contact with ANYONE. Much safer that way, don't you think?

Come to think of it, you can have the tundra. I'll take an uninhabited island in the south Pacific. Then my family will be free from all potential harmful outsiders, and we'll live in a tropical paradise to boot.

Until the shipwrecked sailors land...

chocolate chips

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 5:15 pm

A thought just popped up..if you are afraid of every single man being a molester...how did you not worry about dh? Or is it only after you have kids that it suddenly freaks you out?

lilacdreams

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 5:25 pm

we don't have sleep over guests which is just aswell, because so far we have unwittingly invited a murderer and a rapist/pediophile. Both are now TG in jail. We had no idea at the time - they were quite lovely guests.....

Tzutzie

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 5:59 pm

so far I only have one bedroom in my apt. and no kids but when I grew up there were ALWAYS guests around the place. one time a boy (he was around 21) that came to NY from Iran and had no place to stay, stayed with us until my father settled him in a suitable yeshiva. I was 16-17 that time. had NO clue what marriage was all about - intimately of course. and all that stuff. my father told us to lock our door at night.
when we had guest other than close-immediate (bother/sister/grandparents) family my father would always tell us to lock our rooms cuz the person could be a sleep walker...
I thought so many ppl are sleep walkers that it should concern my father that much to tell us to lock our doors?... strange world... strange ppl.... Confused

Tzutzie

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 6:00 pm

lilacdreams wrote:

GOSH!

amother

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 6:29 pm

I was raped by my father - you can never be TOO careful.

When it came out and he went to jail people were shocked that such a "nice great guy" could do something so horrendous.

I don't want to make anyone paranoid but I don't want people to suffer from ignorance either.
Oh and I was only 9 years old when it first happened, I had no clue what was going on all I knew was that he told me I can't tell anyone about it.

Maybe your priority should be to teach your kids to be SURE to tell you anytime someone says don't tell!! No matter what they threaten them with!!

May Hashem protect all our precious children!

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 6:38 pm

I do worry, I worry when there are men who sleep in my house- with or without spouses. I worry when my kids sleep over at others peoples homes.

I worry less about absolute strangers who visit, for the same reasoning that date rape is so much more common than stranger rape.

However I dont let the kids realize. I have been know to take precautions like having them both sleep together in the same bedroom so there isnt one boy alone all night.

Isramom8

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 6:52 pm

my father would always tell us to lock our rooms cuz the person could be a sleep walker...

Good line. Just make sure you have a key to get into your child's room if s/he can't get out for some reason.

Isramom8

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 6:56 pm

Over the years we've had guys occasionally sleep over, and I wonder why I didn't worry. Nowadays there are older kids around, so it's even more okay. Usually a few guys will sleep over, along with my yeshiva bachur son who invited them.

Noone who slept over was ever someone creepy. Creepy people get sent away or at least watched carefully.