Is my daughter heading to be a 'Wild Child'??

Flowerfield

Tue, Feb 14 2012, 3:32 pm

I have a 14 month old daughter and she is a HANDFUL. She had colic as a baby till around 5 months and then she became a lovely placid baby until she hit around 10months maybe and she's getting worse and worse as she gets older. Here are my issues with her:

She is extremely explosive when she's not happy or is made to do something she doesnt want to do. She will scream the the most rage filled, blood curdlling screams and throw herself backwards (which has always done from tiny), she seriously doesnt have a clue about danger and will just throw herself back, flinging her head back into me, it hurts ME so much! Say when I change her nappy she will writhe around and wiggle out of my grip she is SOOO strong! I know every child has the defiant stage at nappy time but she is just horrendous, she doesnt think its a game she screams so much and she doesnt have nappy rash or any other problems down there.

She also attacks her brother sometimes and has pulled out his hair really badly. She just throws the biggest strops!!! She also pinches me and went through a stage of biting!

But when she's not like the devil possessed she's adorable and smiley and cheeky, very cheeky! She's extremely affectionate too and will come up to me and daddy for cuddles and kisses, she gives us the cuddles and kisses.

I'm just so worried about the furture, is she destined to be one of those wild, tantrumming little girls who go around hitting other kids??
I seriously cant see where its coming from as she only has an older brother (2) who is a docile, placid, gentle boy who is more girly than she is. The general household atmosphere is not stress and shouting so I just worry its in her genes.

Like I said its not all the time but its alot of the time. She'll also throw herself around when she's not angry or upset, like when it is a game to her like when I try to get her dressed (Oh my word such a struggle to get her dressed!).

Please tell me this is normal behaviour for a toddler and it doesnt sound like some medical issue??!!
How can I calm her down?

Shes not quite walking yet, I am wondering if she will let off all her energy better when she's able to run around?

sorry one more thing - she is very very intelligent (in comparism to my son at her age) she already says alot of words and is very animated and follows comands etc and communicates very well so mentally she's definatly all there!

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Feb 14 2012, 4:48 pm

Watch out that you do not feed her too much "Gevalt!! You are SO CUTE!!!" Do not react very hard to her sweet overtures, just be loving and nice, but in an even-keeled way. She shouldn't think she can turn your love up to high volume any time she wants.

Even if her shenanigans are indeed super cute sometimes, strenuously hide from her that you are feeling that; stay calm and very, very consistent. A child reads laughter as APPROVAL of whatever they just did.

My guess is she is bored.

You realize you have a very thirsty mind there. Keep a lot of books in her reach. Both age appropriate and above her level. Watch what happens. She will teach you what's going on with her, that way.

Unless it is against your hashkafa, leave some classical music on low around her a lot of the time. CDs, not the radio. She needs something to think about all the time. Chamber music, quartets, Mozart especially. Hayden also. This gives structure to the mind, orders it, gives it something to engage with.

Make sure her room has a lot of pictures and pattern - at her eye level.

Give her lots of dolls and stuffed animals. Tell her to dress the dolls, sort of. That way she is in charge of the getting-dressed thing. Right now it's just something she is on the receiving end of.

She may always be a little unusual as a person, also smarter than the others. That is fine.

I am sure you don't do this, but DO NOT let her tyrannize her brother. Or anybody else. Her brother has as much right to be himself as she does. He is a man and must be respected as such if you want grandchildren out of him. Puhleeeze do not call him girly.

I wonder what quiet smiles your own mother is having. Were you like this when little? If so, you see how well you turned out, so all will be fine.

I know she's a lot of work, but when she is tearing up the nursing home so your soup doesn't arrive cold, you will appreciate having a strong-minded daughter. You will be rewarded for your present patience, which is admirable in itself.

It is remotely possible she may have "sensory issues" which can sometimes go accompany high intelligence. It certainly goes with being "all there". If she does, that can be worked with; a lot is known about that today. Plenty of successful, prominent people have that aspect; women too. It's just part of the variety of the human race.

Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Tue, Feb 14 2012, 6:41 pm; edited 1 time in total

Flowerfield

Tue, Feb 14 2012, 5:15 pm

wow thank you for your thoughtful reply, thats a great idea about the music, she loves to dance to the fast stuff but maybe some nice classical relaxing tunes will do her (and me) good.

I am keeping her under control when it comes to bullying her older brother, I can see she loves to tease him already and he is definatly the material for bullying so must keep an eye on that. But then I think she feeds off it when I tell her off!

Thanks for the advice. I wonder if also she has too much sugar in her diet...will maybe tweak it and see what happens...

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Feb 14 2012, 6:24 pm

When you stop her from bullying her brother, remember, you are not teaching Great Principles, you are just training behavior. Do very, very little talking. Take her arms or her whole self and plunk her unceremoniously somewhere else, saying No in a displeased voice. No more words than that. The flood of words interest her because she is dying for language. No, it shouldn't be interesting to be rebuked. You are a very astute observer of her, keep it up.

So, give her words another way. Females need a lot of words anyway, and this one even more so. A flood of words should be her REWARD for being good. When she has done something good, talk her ear off. It does not matter about what.

Make sure DH talks to her plenty. His authority must be exercised here; it can't be all you, otherwise when she wants to run wild, she will run to him and do her cute thing. Let him know he must exert friendly but clear authority over her and not be charmed out of it. HE must make it very clear that her brother is not to be bullied. Again, it CAN"T be all coming from you.

You will then have a nice son in law.

She might benefit from a rocking horse. He should have a name.

When she is giving you a hard time about getting dressed, have DH stick his head in the doorway and say in a clear firm voice, Hello ladies! I see you are getting dressed DD! That's important because we are going out as soon as you get dressed! Then, you say nothing and get it done. His words should linger in the air. Yours will only dilute his, at this moment. She is not being CONVINCED to let you dress her. She simply has to live with this without questioning it. It's the law. It's life. She gets no opinion. You are her mother, and you are dressing her. Period. Don't get all nice about it. Say "very pretty" when it's all over and she has been good. Kissy, kissy, then.

Talk this whole thing over with DH. You both must present a united front at all times.

She MUST walk in heel properly and not pull away into traffic. He MUST throw her up into the air, play airplane, and ride her on his shoulders, while firmly in command. His iron hand must be a grip never to be argued with. If he needs to frighten her into that, that's all right. Fearless people, especially females, do not do well. He can scare her, if necessary. Nicely. So can you. Nicely. Do NOT negotiate about taking this or that thingy away. Just get briefly but seriously cross. Make sure you win. Keep score. If you relax, all is lost. If she can push you around at two, you will need committment when she's 13. Fear it.

You don't have much time. She is developing very fast, and has to learn all this before she gets any cleverer.

You should not have to physically subdue her, or not often. I am a trifle scandalized her brother has been permitted to lose hairs. Those were HIS hairs. Hmmph. Do better.

Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Tue, Feb 14 2012, 6:37 pm; edited 1 time in total

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Feb 14 2012, 6:51 pm

Thank you.

As for pinching, that is not allowed, period. Take her little hand off the pinch, sqeeze it painfully hard, and say NO, and glare into her eyes. It's ok if she cries. Don't comfort her. This won't be necessary more than a very few times. She can't use her body to hurt. That's assaultive.

Biting is even worse, because it is like an animal, completely off limits. But you say that's over with, B"H. If it ever starts again, get angry. She must be broken of that. Even little angels do it once, and have to learn. It's pretty typical, but can't be permitted even a little bit.

Oh, is that kid bored.

Get her a new stuffed animal every few days, not a lot at once. She needs to get to know them one at a time.

All her life, when she is impossible, quick, provide a challenging book, or a course in something hard. Or say you need help, and have her clean out the attic. Or have her sew a dress for somebody.

When she is older, she will benefit from a thick pad of paper and lots of crayons. Nice and quiet.

jelly belly

Tue, Feb 14 2012, 7:07 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

Squeezing a toddlers hand painfully hard is assaultive as well. I would not recommend this, unless someone is looking to send mixed messages (I am allowed to hurt you, but you came hurt anyone) and engage in abusive behaviors.

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Feb 14 2012, 7:50 pm

thatgirl wrote:

How do I get my son to let us change his diapers? He runs away and wont sit down no matter what! I used to just grab him and wash him in the sink but now he wont even allow us to do that. Also he does bite. Sometimes its not out of anger its just because he thinks its funny. How can I train him no biting is allowed? How can I train him that no taking toys from other children is allowed?

Talk to your pediatrician. Involve your husband. This kid is acting feral. That isn't going to be good for him later.

You let him adjust YOUR behavior when you washed him in the sink. You put HIM in charge. He was supposed to adjust to you, not the other way around.

First you play kiss-the-belly, yum yum, giggle giggle, then, when he's distracted, you whip the diaper off and whip on a new one very fast, before he had much time to think about it one way or the other. Observe how doctors do things to YOU that you don't really have much desire to have done, but have to be done. They get very pleasant and chatty, and their hands are very busy and very fast. The less time it takes, the better; no discussion, just get it over with. Then - bingo! it's in the past. You can make a face, but it's all over anyway. Imitate them. You may need a distracter-helper to get this kid's diaper changed without WW III. That's ok.

As for biting and stealing, well, get DH involved. Nicely. But firmly. You will both put more oomph into civilizing him if you think ahead. His teachers aren't going to be anything but dismissive. They will send him home.

No, people don't grow out of it. They just graduate to bigger methods.

What works, from the kid's point of view, you will see more of.

If a kid bites his mother to make him take her home because he is tired, she must NOT take him home until twenty minutes later, even if she herself is exhausted and dinner needs making. If she lets that bite get the desired effect, going home right away, she will pay for it forever, and so will his wife. Don't let bad behavior work. On the other hand, don't drive him to it either. If he needs to go home, take him, before he ever bites.

If he takes another kid's toy, and then that kid is talked into "sharing" and "being a big boy" about it, well, it worked. Of course he will do it again. Not good.

If you are only flustered and whimper complainingly at him when he bites, that gets him some mild amusement, to be able to get some drama out of you. Not good. Give him better amusement. If you are busy with other children and housework, assign somebody to work with him, play with him, amuse him. Then he won't bite.

granolamom

Wed, Feb 15 2012, 1:54 pm

I have temperamentally challenging kids as well. diaper changes would look like that at ten months too. so here's what works for me..distraction. I will let the baby hold my cellphone or other coveted but forbidden item while I am changing her. I kept a bunch of items in a special bag and rotated.
for attacking big brother, we had a situation like that with my youngest two. I would again distract her...hey want to help wash the dishes?? always worked. and I praised big brother for using his words. I would always model a 'sorry' and hug for him. now she's two and still yells at him at times, he says 'that's not ok!' and she says sorry and gives him a hug. so kids are kids, I think mine are going to be ok.
at 10 mo, distraction is probably your most useful tool. keep her busy...busier than you think she can possibly be. stay one step ahead, always planning what your next distracting toy/thought/song/activity might be.
good luck!!!