How do I know if my 3 year old son is being molested?

amother

Sat, Mar 17 2012, 8:35 pm

My 3 year old told me "ow, boo boo" when I was putting his pants on today.. I aske dhim where his booboo was, and he pointed to his private parts. I asked how he got the booboo.. he said rebbe. He doesnt talk much so that is the most I can get out of him.

thing is at this age, the rebbe still needs to pull up his pants, and take him to the bathroom.I dont want to accuse him if its not true, but I don't want to let this go.. How do I go about this? My child is very happy going off to cheder in the morning. and seemed to have been adjusting beautifully.

what would you do?

eytse

Sat, Mar 17 2012, 9:03 pm

I would assume it's nothing. My daughter (will be 3 in 2 months) almost always says "ouchie" when I wipe her or even pull her underwear up or down. I'm not sure why, she's not irritated, doesn't appear to have any kind of yeast, and it definitely doesn't hurt her to urinate. I think she just feels protective/private about the area but, obviously, has limited ways of expressing or even understanding her feelings. It did freak me out at first, but I guess I realized it was just her way of being protective. And I am definitely not one who doesn't take the possibility of abuse seriously! But this is just my 2 cents.

amother

Sat, Mar 17 2012, 9:17 pm

Take your son to the pediatrician. My daughter came home from pre-school knowing a word that we never use. First, I took her to the pediatrician who determined there was no abuse. I then had her examined by a forensic psychiatrist to figure out how she learned the word. b'h, I did so and it was found out another little girl was being abused.

Don't try to define what is going on by yourself because.I would definitely have missed the fact there is another little girl in trouble.

octopus

Sat, Mar 17 2012, 9:18 pm

okay- this is what I would do in this kind of situation:

I would repeat EXACTLY the conversation that you had here with the rebbe and the principal. I would involve the principal only because of the nature of the discussion being about privates etc. you want a record of this conversation. Even if it is only hurting because rebbe is helping pull up his pants- the rebbe still has to be more gentle!!! these are small children!!!

Mama Bear

Sat, Mar 17 2012, 10:33 pm

In the chassidishe velt, 3 yr old boys usually go to cheder and have a Rebbe.And most of them need help pulling their pants up or down. His Rebbe may have mad e a "booboo"while pulling his pants up and it has nothing to do with molestation.

marina

Sat, Mar 17 2012, 10:36 pm

I think you should generally ask the Rebbe and (separately) the assistant to see if there's any time your child may have gotten hurt. If your child had some sort of innocent physical situation in the bathroom (fell off toilet seat), this would be the time for the Rebbe to speak up and tell you, even though the school should have let you know earlier.

I would be more concerned about smacking kids on the bottom. Is the rebbe a type that could do that?

myfriends715

Sat, Mar 17 2012, 10:50 pm

does he wear tzitzis..? I've accidently pulled out my sons tzizis not realizing he had it tangled in his underwear after he went to the bathroom and kinda gave him a boo boo.. and then he says "mommy gave me a boo boo on my pee pee" can that be what happened?

manhattanmom

Sat, Mar 17 2012, 11:24 pm

eytse wrote:

I would love to assume it is nothing if I was in this situation. But would still rule out the possibility first. Definitely bring it up to the rebbe/menahel somehow.

Reesa

Sat, Mar 17 2012, 11:25 pm

If you just ask the Rebbe if your son is having any trouble going to the bathroom or complaining about pain in school, I'm sure his answer will be revealing. If Rebbe is doing anything questionable, he will know you're paying attention and he might also respond nervously. Then you'll take it from there.

amother

Sun, Mar 18 2012, 12:21 am

marina wrote:

a doctor isn't going to be able to tell for certain unless there has been penetration. I agree with ds1, she should generally bring it up to the teacher and assistant.

With my daughter the pediatrician was able to tell more than if her hyman was intact. She was able to see how my daughter reacted to the physical exam itself. She had other factors, she was checking for. She also was able to question my daughter with a cool clear head. I think one of the plunges was my daughter's demeanor. She did not present like an abused child. The psychiatrist would not normally be touching a child. I was much more comfortable with a pediatrician we know

FranticFrummie

Sun, Mar 18 2012, 4:58 am

You definitely need to get more information.

Today I was at a friend's house, and her three year old was having trouble getting a sweater off. She had it wrapped around her head, and her arms were pinned up in the air. I tried to help her, but she's stubborn and kept yelling "No, ME DO IT!". I could tell there was no way she was going to get it off by herself, so I grabbed the sweater and pulled her free. She swung away from me and bonked her head on the edge of a table (not very hard though).

She ran screaming down the hall yelling "Mrs.**** HIT ME!" Her mom knows me very well, so she came into the room and looked at me, and I said "Her sweater was stuck, and she got mad at me for helping her. She bumped her head." My friend just laughed and told her to go play outside with her brother.

I'm sure you can see how easily that could have been twisted around. Confused

DrMom

Sun, Mar 18 2012, 6:22 am

Okay, while I certainly don't want to be dismissive of the seriousness of molestation, this doesn't seem to be any red flag (well, given the fact that the rav helps kids use the bathroom).

Why would you even assume he is being molested??

amother

Sun, Mar 18 2012, 11:29 am

myfriends715 wrote:

Actually that did happen when I was pullin gup his pants.. he said Ow.. and his tzitzes was stuck.. very possible.
I did ask him again where his booboo is, and he said his foot.. (changing the story??)

He goes to the bathroom by himself, but the rebbe needs to help him pull it up ,, and sometimes pull it down.. he's learning to do it on his own, but sometimes he needs help.

Another reason for my concern is, that my older son passed his class and went on to say hello, as he does on occassion, and saw he wasn't there.. then he found him in the yard standing at the corner..

That I discussd, and the rebbe apologized, he didnt realize he had left him behind.. there were other kids in the yard.

Its so hard to know with a 3 year old cause he can't express himself well yet. ugh.. so anxious about it...