Do you bring something when invited out?

buba123

Thu, Dec 07 2006, 9:16 pm

I live in a small town and we always have guests on Shabbos. We also eat out a lot. This issue has been bothering me a little.
When you go to someone for a Shabbos meal, don't you bring something over?!
I always offer to make something - which no one ever took me up on (people like cookling for Shabbos!) Yet, I always bring or send something over - be it something simple - small bouquet of flowers, a cake, a kugel, some chocolates or candy. Yet, I've had guests that don't bring anything, not even a card.
I think it's extremely unproper behavior. I was brought up so differently. Even my teenage brother will buy something small when he came for a Shabbos!!?
Is this the norm these days??

queen

Thu, Dec 07 2006, 9:33 pm

always do.
bothers me when someone comes without bringing something.
Not bec. I NEEDED their gift, but rather appreciate their thoughtfulness. I work hard to prepare a special meal, and I appreciate that acknowledgment in return.

greenfire

Thu, Dec 07 2006, 9:33 pm

What's funny is that I actually think it's lovely to bring a gift. However, I go out alot and sometimes it's actually a last minute invitation straight from shul. I bring something when I can - it used to be wine but now I'm more into homebaked goodies (inexpensive yet irresistable). So when I can't I hope it's understood. To be honest I don't really hold of the "shoulds" in life. I prefer to do things because I want to and when I want to. And I would never feel offended that someone didn't bring me something. Besides sometimes the wine gets put on top of the fridge and forgot.

redhot

Thu, Dec 07 2006, 9:38 pm

I almost always bring something. I dont get mad or annoyed if someone doesnt bring me a gift, but I do appreciate it when they do. I am always pleasantly surpised when a guest brings me something.

anon

Thu, Dec 07 2006, 9:39 pm

greenfire wrote:

To be honest I don't really hold of the "shoulds" in life. I prefer to do things because I want to and when I want to. And I would never feel offended that someone didn't bring me something.

THANK YOU!

I think on MY part, I should bring a gift when I'm a guest. But if I'm the host, I don't expect anything. If you're pleasant company, that's good enough for me. People shouldn't take themselve too seriously.

cindy324

Thu, Dec 07 2006, 9:45 pm

I think it's a nice gesture to bring something to the hosts where you'll be aeting for the first time. I don't think it's necessary to bring something every time they invite you, however it IS nice to offer to make something if it's not the first time you're invited there.

PS: Welcome back buba123!!! You 've been gone for ages! Nice to see you back.

anon

Thu, Dec 07 2006, 9:47 pm

sthillmom wrote:

I almost always bring something. I dont get mad or annoyed if someone doesnt bring me a gift, but I do appreciate it when they do. I am always pleasantly surpised when a guest brings me something.

Right. I think that's the way it should be from the viewpoint of the host...pleasantly surprised if there is a gift.

DefyGravity

Fri, Dec 08 2006, 10:46 am

sthillmom wrote:

I almost always bring something. I dont get mad or annoyed if someone doesnt bring me a gift, but I do appreciate it when they do. I am always pleasantly surpised when a guest brings me something.

I agree.
Furthermore, when you have the same people over consistently and go to them all the time as well, it kind of becomes ridiculous to bring a gift all the time.
We made a pact within our circle of friends that we DON'T bring anything when we go to each other's houses for a Shabbos meal. After awhile, the uneaten candy assortments start to pile up!

mimsy7420

Fri, Dec 08 2006, 12:34 pm

I usually bring something homemade like challah or a desert. I always appreciate when people bring me something that I can serve at the meal. I have enough platter and glass bowls, thank you.

ceo

Fri, Dec 08 2006, 2:33 pm

I am quite suprised by some of these responses. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, because I know some of you and you are really lovely people--Honestly- if it bothers ppl so much that their guests don't bring something over, then perhaps don't invite guests. It sounds you are doing the mitzvah begrudgingly, almost as if you have less simcha out of it b/ you are not recieving what you consider to be proper hakaras hatov for it.

If a guest doesn't properly thank me for my hospitality- that's THEIR issue. I know that I did a mitvah, and how they do their part is their business.

That being said, when we are invited out for a seuda, I do bring something. We have one family in our neighborhood that we go to often, so we don't bring a gift anymore, except on yamim tovim- pesach, succos, we try to buy them something a bigger. (ie- bought them a tablecloth before pesach, bought a nice fruit basket before r"h, etc).

AGain, I hope this doesn't sound too harsh.

We have guests most shabbosim, usually college kids or other frum singles in the area. I usually tell people NOT to bring anything for a number of reasons.

Marion

Sat, Dec 09 2006, 1:05 pm

I don't always have time anymore (because it's always something homemade; I hate buying cakes or wine), but I try. When people come to us I very specifically ask them NOT to bring anything. DH and I both have food allergies, and I've been embarrased in the past when someone has brought something that I can't serve because we don't normally have it in the house.

ceo

Sat, Dec 09 2006, 8:16 pm

Marion wrote:

I very specifically ask them NOT to bring anything. DH and I both have food allergies, and I've been embarrased in the past when someone has brought something that I can't serve .

Ditto. We don't have allergies per say, but we do have a lot of foods we avoid for health reasons. Also, we are makpid on chodosh/yoshon in our house, and I don't really want people bring over baked goods that are from non-yoshon bakeries, or that they made themself.

buba123

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 1:26 pm

I appreciate your feedbacks! I'm a black and white person (this is proper, this is not...). My nisayon in life is being okay with the grey areas.
I agree with all your responses!
I don't appreciate when people spend a lot of money, I truly enjoy having guests - some weeks the only time I actually cook a lot is for Shabbos! I love guests that eat my food (must be the saying "All Jewish mamas love to feed people!")
I guess this thread includes those who send thank you cards for any gift... I guess I'm just that type- Very Happy

bandcm

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 1:56 pm

chocolate moose wrote:

Oh, good Heavens, yes!

Once we ate a meal out and DH something like, the fish course was the only good part of the meal! I quietly said – we brought that!

Do you mean he said it in front of the hosts, and that´s why you answered quietly???

jewgal84

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 2:01 pm

If it's the first time we're at their house, we'll probably bring over something, most likely wine or dessert.

If we're a frequent guest or at family, we usually don't buy anything.

We don't expect anything from guests when they come, it's always a nice surprise if they do!