Help - I screamed :(

amother

Sun, Apr 29 2012, 12:08 pm

So my DH went out to run an errand and I was managing fine with DS (2yro). We ate lunch, played with his toys, cleaned up etc I was preparing to change his dirty pamper, which he gives me a fight about but I find that if I prepare him for it (tell him a few minutes before that I'd change him after we finish xyz) he's usually better. I also gave him a toy to play with while I change him. I should mention that I'm just starting my 2nd trimester b'H and just now starting to be able to change his pampers again, though still difficult with the nausea and fight he puts up. Anyway, since I was home alone I had no choice. I prepped and all was going fine, so I thought till he started kicking and screaming. But this was a strong one. I was just at the beginning so there was a mess all over (trying not to be too detailed lol) but although he was laying on something he was almost managing to get it all over. I lost it. I held his feet and first firmly spoke to him to stop, with explanation. He made it worse. I tried to get through to him and my voice got louder & louder. He was being wild and I was getting fed up and nauseous by it all going all over & the smell. I lost it. I screamed but, when I say scream I mean screech. It scared him and he went into a worse frenzy. I got so frustrated that I couldn't do anything to stop it I started crying. I let him go and I was sitting there crying into my hands. (not bawling but tears) ps: it did get him quiet for just a few seconds. I attempted to calm myself down and talk to him. He was no where near to calm. But kicking did quiet down a bit. I calmly wiped him up (him screaming and attempting to kick) I did the best that I could. Put him on a new pamper, cleaned up the mess and walked out. Before closing the door to his room I said "When you're calm and ready to talk, come to Mommy to say sorry" I left and now Im still shaking. I feel so disappointed and horrible about how I contained myself. He's in his room also trying to calm down and once he comes out I'll explain everything (though not sure exactly where to start, so quick tips on that would be great)
But my biggest thing is I want to know what to do for next time. All you great super Mommys out there. What would you do? This has happened before to me on a way lower scale (but the end feeling is usually the same) I beat myself and I want to change it. I just dont know how my initial reaction should have been as soon as I saw he was screaming & kicking. Sad

amother

Sun, Apr 29 2012, 12:36 pm

StrongIma wrote:

you need to learn to detach and be able to tell yourself that he's just a little kid, he really don't know better and it's up to me to teach me.

step back (even if only in your mind) and breath deeply, counting to 10.

hope that helps!

OP here
Yea, it does help - thnx! But what would you do specifically in that situation. If he starts kicking and screaming and the pamper is already off and your in middle of cleaning but can't physically continue if he doesn't stop kicking. Its hard to get through to a screaming toddler. As I learned, no matter what I did , it didnt work.
I feel so frustrated. Is there any answer at all?!

eli7

Mon, Apr 30 2012, 2:57 am

In these situations, distraction works best for me (and I learned this the hard way!) I'll ask a question, especially a funny one, or ask my daughter to show me her toes, fingers, ears, make faces, talk in a funny voice. Or I'll sing a silly song. If it's not enough I even put in the dance moves, Motown-style. This also helps change my mood when I'm getting desperate. Sometimes if she's kicking I make her legs do a little funny dance. Sometimes I give her a wipey to clean her own hands and face. Basically, anything that takes her mind off the diaper change and puts us in a better mood will do. Good luck!

amother

Mon, Apr 30 2012, 11:29 am

This is a practical suggestion regarding the diaper changing.

I used to hold down the baby's legs with my leg across the ankles.

Yes - it can be done without getting dirty. Your legs are stronger than your arms and it will prevent the kicking.

You will mostly in control, can hold the arms with one hand too, part of the time.

When we're starting out we make mistakes. It's very normal. Feeling bad about our mistakes is also very normal at every stage.

AlwaysGrateful

Tue, May 01 2012, 6:57 am

I'm answering this under my own screenname.

I have always thought of myself as a generally calm person. Never had anger issues, was always able to control myself and respond appropriately when I felt myself getting frustrated.

I now have kids, and I understand that it's a totally different ballgame. Even when my oldest was a baby, I used to get so upset when he cried and cried and all I wanted was him to go to sleep when I was completely exhausted (and pp hormonal). When he became a defiant toddler, I'd find myself getting actually angry at him, and I was appalled at myself!

Until I realized that the reason I'd be able to stay so calm in the past is that nobody had ever done anything so illogical to me, and I'd always been able to figure out a way to make it "not so bad." But now I'm a parent, and parents have to deal with illogical responses and really frustrating attitudes. This does NOT mean that it's okay for us to get angry at our kids and respond in anger. What it does mean is that the NORMAL response is anger, and parenting is a journey in which you work to overcome that very normal response.

You've heard how parenting helps you work on your middos? Well, this course is Conquer Your Anger 101.

But do know that it's normal, that you're not an awful, horrible person, and that you CAN overcome this. That doesn't mean you'll never react in anger again, but it means that Hashem EXPECTS you to struggle with it and work on yourself. And you will mess up sometimes and beat yourself up about it, but that's purely because you're working yourself towards the highest level of perfection.

I hope this helps, and I'm available by PM if you want to talk about it.

Signed,
Another Mother Who Struggles to Keep Frustration from Falling Into Anger

amother

Tue, May 01 2012, 1:53 pm

AlwaysGrateful wrote:

OP here, WOW. This is exactly me!! I might decide to PM when I have more chance. But I had to say thank you. You're so right.
All responses above were great, thanks for the support & advice.

imamiri

Tue, May 01 2012, 2:22 pm

Don't beat yourself up because what's done is done. Just step back and take a moment to realize that toddlers are not logical people. They aren't mini-adults or even mini-big kids (like school age). Their little brains are pretty primitive and they go mostly by impulse. Combine that with developing language skills and you have a mess.

If you can, pick up "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Harvey Karp. It was very useful for me in understanding and learning to better deal with tantrums and melt downs.

simchat

Tue, May 01 2012, 3:45 pm

AlwaysGrateful wrote:

LOVE this post! Thank you! (yet another mother who is struggling not to lose her temper every minute of every day. Sigh)

AlwaysGrateful

Wed, May 02 2012, 12:58 pm

I'm glad it helped. I just remember thinking I must be the only one who feels this way (other than those "horrible" moms out there who yell at their kids because, well, they're just bad moms). And that's so not true!

I also find that when I'm hormonal (pregnant or postpartum), very stressed, or sick, I need to be very careful -- and to understand that when I do mess up, it's not ME that truly did it. Doesn't let me off the hook, but stops me from letting guilt make me feel so bad and stressed that I'm even WORSE of a mommy than before!

Ask your dh to tell you that you're a good mommy when he sees you doing good things with the kids. Make a list at the end of the day (or in the middle!) of the times you were going to lose your temper but didn't. Hey, I should do that. I dunno, just do whatever it takes to show yourself that you ARE great with your dc and that you're doing well. I find that success breeds success here, as does acting out in your head what you will do next time that dc does the same misbehavior.

As for the actual changing issue, I find that just knowing that it doesn't last forever can help. Both of my kids went through this at about the same age. It took a couple of weeks of very stern messages for them to finally get it. Now, both of them lie down on their own for diaper changes (my older ds still wears a diaper at night) and stay still the entire time. Looking back, it was a relatively short period of time, even though it seemed like it would never end. Just be consistent, put dc down on a large mat (or a bath towel, if that helps), wipe down with the diaper as you take it off to get the worst of it off first, don't overreact to the mess, just use wipes to clean the rest of it up (assuming it doesn't get anywhere that would actually be unhygenic, like hands).

Feel free to PM, I'm still here!

AlwaysGrateful

Thu, May 03 2012, 7:37 am

Okay, this thread is going to be very therapeutic for me. This is something I've been struggling with right now too, since both of my kids are going through "phases" right now (my younger one is just entering the, er, "terrific" twos).

How about...

Reward yourself for controlling your temper. Like each time that you are about to get upset at your child but at least keep your voice low, give yourself...I dunno...a piece of chocolate, ten extra minutes of imamother, ten minutes with a good book when you "should be" cleaning, whatever.

Or the one that I think works best for me, but I don't use it often enough. I mentioned it above. Think about alternatives BEFORE the misbehavior happens, when you're not stressed. Like let's say your kid always refuses to come when you tell him it's time to go to the school bus in the morning. Imagine that happening again tomorrow, and imagine yourself reacting calmly. Maybe you take him by the hand and walk him to the bus, no matter how much he struggles, but staying SO calm. Or maybe you come up with a good story you can start to tell him before you even start walking to the bus so that he'll be distracted from refusing and just want to come with you and listen. Or maybe you tell him you'll race him to the bus. Or whatever. Then replay your reaction in your head lots of times, imagining that your child is fighting you every step of the way, but that you're staying calm, and in the end he does get to the bus on time.

Anyone have any other ideas?

amother

Fri, May 04 2012, 12:56 pm

Op here. It's been helpful to see there are others that are like me. I got good advice outside of imamother too. Pretty much same to what o read here. So far this is what I've done and it helps. 1st I spoke to DH about my anxiety of mishandling him or losing patience , especially now that I'm hormonal and pregnant and even more after the baby iyH (any advice from moms who've handled a 2-3 yr old with a newborn and being a hormonal mom?!) He let me vent and reassured me, which helped & made me feel better.
Next, when I'm calm I imagine scenarios and choose a calm reaction so I know what to put to practice.
Last I be sure I prepare my ds for these situations (as I've always done but I feel better about them now) and let him make minor choices, like do you wanna play with the car or the book while I change your pamper? So no debating the pampering but the toy he can choose. Staying calm bit firm is key. Remember we are the ones in charge, we are the parents. And know that you're in control of yourself no matter what. (Even if for a moment we are not in control of our child, as that happens plenty)