How Long to Send Away Kids After Birth?

hesha

Thu, May 03 2012, 3:55 pm

just in isramom's defense, I'm positive she didn't mean to hurt your feelings op. most people can relate to the feelings you describe, they are very common and very normal. she just meant it as a joke. best of luck with your decision. I'm sure you're a great mom, otherwise you wouldn't even be having second thoughts about sending your kids away. you're obviously very devoted and very caring. bsha tova!

debsters1101

Thu, May 03 2012, 9:03 pm

I'm also wondering about the school thing. like OP I have a 5 year old (shes in pre-1A) and a 3 year old who goes to gan... my parents live an hour away so while they are ready and willing to take them when I give birth IYH what do people do about school? the 3 year old I'm not so worried about, gan is gan... but a pre-1Aer at the end of the school year? I feel like she would miss so much, no?

observer

Thu, May 03 2012, 9:11 pm

It seems like this is very common in chassidish circles.

As another poster mentioned, even if it's common in your circles, if you don't feel comfortable with it you can cut back to one week. Or is it possible to go WITH your kids to your mother so your children can be with you? It wont be the same level of resting up, but at least your children wont have that separation.

And mazel tov!

chocolate moose

Thu, May 03 2012, 9:15 pm

I didn't have the option to send aWAY, BUT when dd was born, around yomtov time, I DiD pay someone to take ds for a time in the AM, so I could rest more. otherwise, he went to playgroup on the bus.

neighbors cooked and dh helped a lot with the cleaning.

but you do what works for you.

amother

Thu, May 03 2012, 10:56 pm

debsters1101 wrote:

My mother drives 5 yr old to school & 3 yr old to gan...Its on her way to work (sort of)...

amother

Thu, May 03 2012, 10:59 pm

Funny, I'm reading a thread MamaBear posted in 2008 on this topic & 99% of replies were bashing the idea of sending kids away! I must saw it's amazing how much more tolerant & open minded imamothers got in the past 4 yrs. Cheers

Hooray to all!

amother

Thu, May 03 2012, 11:10 pm

To me the idea is crazy BUT I have no one to help with my kids ever so it's not an option I've ever thought about AND I have no intention of having as large of a family as many of the women on this board. Of I did, I'd need a lot of postpartum help, too, to keep sane. It's easier to have no help when you only have 3-6 kids, once you're past that it's a diff. story I guess and you take all you can get.

Mama Bear

Fri, May 04 2012, 12:08 am

amother wrote:

Hooray to all!

Haha, I was just thinking the same thing!
Then again, the ppl who were bashing me on that thread, didnt speak up in this thread.

causemommysaid

Fri, May 04 2012, 12:15 am

as long as you need to gain your strength back.

also depends on your kids temperment and how comfortable you are with the people you are sending to.

personally I feel very very vulnerable after birth and I have alot of frightening and irrational emotions going through me. I would actually be afraid that my kids are not with me at all times (talk about crazy emotional postpardum nonsense) I would sit in my bed and cry cause I was afraid something happened to my husband at work or to my kid at playgroup. so instead of enjoying the peace and getting my strenth back I was wasting my efforts thinking up every horrific thing that could go wrong since the beginning of time.

rainbow dash

Fri, May 04 2012, 3:21 am

I send my kids away for 2 wks. when I had my 2nd kid my oldest went to a friend from his class for 2 wks so there was no problem of school cause they would take him anyway. when the twins were born they went away for 1 wk. My ds got sick so he came home same day as me but bh I had a night nurse from that night on. and when ever I go away to US or Israel I leave my kids with their friends from class and I try to make sure that it is during the school time so the parents dont have to keep them occupied.

When my kids come back they are sometimes mad at me but after a few days and some tlc from me they are back to themselves.

amother

Fri, May 04 2012, 7:58 am

Honestly I never heard of such a thing.sending kids away to a relative.two weeks is such a long time!in my community the norm is to move into ur parents house with your kids. I would jump at such an opritunity!! I just recenty had a baby I got no,No help except for babysitting while I was giving birth.after I had the baby my mil called my dh and asked when he would be back to pick up the kids!!!!!he picked them up at around 5:30 pm and she didnt even give thrm supper!! She watched them for 2 hrs after school. All my family and dhs family live with in 20 min driving. No one from either family even sent us a meal or came over to visit and watch the kids/baby so I can nap.dh sister had a baby 4 months after me,she moved into her parents for a month. Got tons and tons of help!! And it was her first.she didnt have 3 other kids to take care of like I do.sorry I turned this into a vent abd all about me,I can not get over the way I was treated!! Sad

anyways you should appriciate the help that u are getting!!

amother

Fri, May 04 2012, 9:46 am

Well PP, if it makes you feel better, this whole setup is a frum thing. In the regular world no one moves in with you or the other way around. (at least not where I come from in the tristate area) A family member or friend may drop in here and there to help a bit but that's it. Maybe it's b/c women are generally older when they begin their families. A 21 y old having a baby is still quite young herself but a 30 yr old has been taking care of herself for quite some time and most likely would never want to move in with her family for a few weeks.

Anyhow, I've never had any help either, nor is my husband around much. I think it makes me so much more self sufficient and I'm proud of that. The "girls" who move in with their mamas for a month postpartum are also the ones who don't make pesach and have various other expectations of what family needs to be doing for them, imo.

lkwdlady

Fri, May 04 2012, 10:33 am

That's not true that it won't happen outside the frum world. Recently I had a technician drawing blood and she was complaining that she was so tired because her daughter in law just had a baby and since the baby was colicky the DIL moved into her MIL's house to get extra help and rest (and they are not Jewish). Anyway, even if it is more of a frum thing to do I thing it's very nice that we are all family oriented and try to help each other out. As I said before, I don't get much help after I have a baby but I do hope to be there to help out my own children when they have babies of their own - probably close to 20 yrs. from now! Hashem should give us all the strength we need to be good mothers, wives and.. grandmothers down the road!

morah

Fri, May 04 2012, 10:35 am

amother wrote:

In the "regular world", people don't typically have large families.

Back to the OP, do what you feel is best. I only have one so far and have no idea what I will feel with subsequent babies; I'll cross those bridges when I IY'H come to them. I'd like to think that if I choose to send the older kids to savta for 2 weeks, no one would question that.

Hashem_Yaazor

Fri, May 04 2012, 10:58 am

I guess what I don't understand is this: everyone lives in the same neighborhood as their parents that it doesn't interfere with school to send your older kids out for 2 weeks?

There is enough adjustment with a baby. And with mommy in the hospital for 2 days. But if you had a hard day at school and want your mommy, she's not available for 2 weeks? I can't fathom it. I'm not judging, I'm just trying to see how seamless this idea is.

Mamushka

Fri, May 04 2012, 10:59 am

amother wrote:

I disagree with you. I made Pessah by myself since we got married. I don't have parents close by. I do everything! But post partum I need help and since I don't have parents around, I pay for help. I don't have to be a Shmatte and I'm happy that I have enough self confidence to stand up and admit that I need help.

Chayalle

Fri, May 04 2012, 10:59 am

I once hosted a relative - he was 4 - for two weeks after his mother had a baby. The first week went great. The second week was HARD. He needed to go back home but his mother was not ready for it (she would've taken a 3rd week but at that point I put my foot down for the sake of MY family).

I think it depends alot on the individual needs of the child. Why not play it by ear and see how they do?

Raisin

Fri, May 04 2012, 11:08 am

I think it really depends on the age of the kid, and each specific kid. And who they are going to. Kids 6 and up, sure, if there are close loving relatives, why not? I could see my 4 year old being happy for a few days. But not two weeks.

And seriously - a mother is told that her 4 year old is missing her and won't take him back? There is something wrong there. Better to deal with a little short term difficulty then deal with long term repercussions.