she is so unreasonable!!

precious

Sun, May 06 2012, 8:55 pm

sometimes, my 2 year old is completely unreasonable.
For example, I tell her to clean up, if anyone helps her, she'll dump the whole thing out.
if I ask someone to shut the door or get me something, she'll have a tantrum if anyone does it before she can. (she happens to be a great help!!!)
my question is: Do I try to discipline her (everyone is cleaning up together, you can't do it yourself, or, sorry, someone else got the bottle for me this time, and live out tantrum ) or Do I give in (let her clean up alone, open the door again so she can shut it, put the phone on the base again so she can get it, etc.)
It's definitely easier to give in, and she's very young still, but I don't want to be spoiling her!!!
What do you think?

Gsanmb

Sun, May 06 2012, 9:07 pm

Of course she's unreasonable, she's two.

You need to be aware of age appropriate expectations for her. She's still a baby but she's experimenting with the fact that she has only just really become aware that you and she are separate beings. She wants to test that experience out by having a will that is not the same as yours. It doesn't make it 'unreasonable.' It makes her normal. A two year old that is totally compliant at all times with no preferences would be worrying, not this.

Discipline should be teaching and guiding, not punishing. Adjust your expectations. Give her choices within boundaries. She needs and wants steady predictable routines. She is learning to figure out how the world works and routines are things she depends on to make things understandable. Give her transition cues (in ten minutes it will be time to put the crayons down. In five minutes we will put the crayons away and get ready to go out. In two minutes we need to put the crayons in their box.). Set a timer so she knows when it 'dings' it's time to move on. Expect that her idea of when she's ready to move to the next thing will not necessarily mesh with yours. She wants to finish the task she is doing because her play is her way of learning, and mastering something through play is the way she learns about the world even if it looks ridiculous to you. Same with picking out clothes, opening and closing a door the 'right' way, or whatever.

She is a baby but she is also a small, real, person with her own identity and needs. She will not aways be willing to be directed by you and it doesn't make her unreasonable. Pick your battles and the things you really NEED for safety or urgency to have her comply with, try to give her fair warning and offer a choice (the black tights or the blue tights -- if it's cold. The sandals or the sneakers. The mashed potatoes or the spaghetti) so she feels some control over her universe.

Above all, please do some reading on age appropriate expectations of behavior and child development. You will be butting heads with her constantly and resorting to shouting, punishment, and negative patterns with her if you have expectations that are not aligned with her developmental stage and what she's capable of, cognitively speaking. You love her and want to establish a good pattern of trust and attachment while teaching her the right behaviors. The way to do that is not by punishment and negativity. She will feel aligned with you and learn to respect the boundaries you set when you help her at the level she's capable of and in a positive way.

precious

Sun, May 06 2012, 9:13 pm

Gsanmb wrote:

maybe I wasn't clear. my question is simply: is it ok to give in and let her redo everything her way, or should I stand firm for chinuch reasons??
why would you think I'm punishing her?? I can't get over how delicious and cute she is!!!!

granolamom

Sun, May 06 2012, 10:14 pm

my 2 yo is the same way. I loved your examples because that is the exact thing that happens here. If I can I let her have her own way. not because I think its best but because I'm short on time and energy for these little things. but if we need to get out the door or if my 5 yo starts to cry because she's yelling that he opened the door first, I will say something firm to her and move her along. like 'we dont yell at moishi, you can open the door first tomorrow. time to get in the car, want to climb in the car by yourself?' sometimes she goes with it and sometimes she tantrums so I just pick her up and put her in the car if I'm on a tight schedule. If I have the time I just sit down nearby and wait out the tantrum.

in terms of chinuch, I dont take these tantrums so seriously. I try to give her areas of control, where she can make choices and the like. I try to point out when she's taking turns or sharing nicely or cooperative. I think these tantrums are more about loss of power/frustration than about the manipulation, those tantrums come later on and are often associated with spoiling.

but that's just my experience, I'm no expert on child development

hila

Mon, May 07 2012, 1:05 am

There is normal human logic, and there is 2 year old logic. THey are different.

So sometimes try and look at the world from a 2 year old point of view.

He/she is testing everything. They see that something is red and yummy , therefore everything red is yummy.

THey can close the door themselves, therefore they should always close every door.

etc,etc.

Yes - you have to set boundaries and explain tjhings several times. And try and not give in to tantrums. I always was in to tantrum avoidance. When you see the storm warning - quickly change the subject. find a cute toy, ask a question, sing a song, etc.

BTW - this stage passes, but then you get a teenager Sad