What do you do for DD's bat mitzva?

Happy18

Wed, Aug 29 2012, 5:50 pm

amother wrote:

Am I reading right? In orthodox shuls bat mitzvah girls giving dvar torah? In front of men or not? Leining???? Leading davening? WHAT???? Since when do women become baalos korei or baalos tefilla?

Yes, in Orthodox shuls bat mitzvah girls give divrei Torah to a mixed group in shul.

There are both halachic women-only and mixed ortho-egal prayer groups in our area (anon for privacy).

Leining megilla is often done by women.

I understand that it isn't "done" everywhere, but let's please try to keep an open mind and communicate respectfully about our differences.

My parents threw a party for family and friends. I gave a speech as well as both of my parents.

PinkFridge

Wed, Aug 29 2012, 7:09 pm

Hi OP. Mazel tov on your all reaching this milestone!
You may have done this already but I suggest you try this on the MO forum. Your no "other' on the survey makes me think you'll get this in the direction you want over there. Personally, we threw a birthday party, with activity (I would have liked for it to be meaningful, or for a tzedaka, but my girls turned 12 at hectic times) and a devar Torah (for most of them). We're OOT yeshivish.
I assume you've checked with your shul as to what's acceptable there, scheduling, etc.
However it plays out, I hope you come up with something meaningful and enjoyable and that it goes smoothly.

amother

Wed, Aug 29 2012, 9:03 pm

Hi I'm the original imamother who posted the question. I didn't want to be restricted to MO forum only, as I'm looking for ways to make bat mitzva spiritually and religiously meaningful and special for DD. DH and I just didn't want to do a fancy kiddush or a big party because it's just like any birthday, and we wanted our DD to gain something proactively.

As for leining and beeing baalas tefiloh I think I made it pretty obvious it's for women's tefillo group. The format matters less for me, but all I'm looking for is ways to add some kedusha to bat mitzva.

PinkFridge

Wed, Aug 29 2012, 9:07 pm

amother wrote:

Oh, I wasn't trying to chase you away. No pitchforks here Tongue Out

I just thought you could get what you needed without all the stuff you don't need, IYKWIM. The thread seems to be shaping up ok and I hope it's helping.

amother

Wed, Aug 29 2012, 9:41 pm

amother wrote:

Anonymous just in case anyone recognizes us Very Happy

The celebration (feeding the community and our relatives, making speeches, entertaining the cohort) was only the ceremonial part. During the preceding year, dd worked on a community-service project, increased her Jewish studies in school, learned mishnayot and visited Israel. We (dd and her family both) were fortunate that she took the process pretty seriously, and we made sure to ask for her input and find out what sort of preparation and celebration would be most meaningful for her.

Aetrsnrady

Wed, Aug 29 2012, 10:49 pm

DD learned Pirkei Avos (summer bday) with DH. Made a speech/ dvar torah for 100 family and friends at a Sunday lunch. DH and shul Rabbi also spoke. Female DJ led dancing for the girls. Chessed project: DD and classmates made Shabbos bags for families staying with relatives in the hospital. DD delivered them personally about a week later. One girl in the neighborhood studied hafrashas challah, baked and sold challos for tzedaka.

Peanut2

Wed, Aug 29 2012, 11:04 pm

Some things I've seen done are:
-Siyum on a Jewish book, or a different learning project. For example: studying important Jewish women and then creating a project about it. Putting different info on each table, or an artistic project
-volunteering or creating a service project
-the most beautiful and meaningful things are done by building on the talents and strengths of the bat mitzva girl. I don't want to write specific examples, but things like drawing of the parsha (or something else appropriate) for an artistic girl. You can hang them up in shul (if the shul allows) and then donate them (if you want, Jewish old age homes, etc.), and this can be very nice for a girl who doesn't want to speak, or to speak too much.

I've definitely been to rosh chodesh women's tefilla for a bat mitzvah. Very nice, a bit long Smile

I think kabbalat shabbat can be really, really nice. It can also be done at home or some other location, you could even go away for shabbat if you wanted. There can be a women only portion and then everyone together for maariv proper. If DD wants, that seems lovely.

DrMom

Thu, Aug 30 2012, 6:16 am

Aetrsnrady wrote:

I was going to suggest challah baking and a hafrashas challah party for the bat mitzvah girl and her friends.

Or if you have a gathering in a social hall, serve the bread that your daughter baked (assuming the hall is okay with outside food).

At most bat mitzvah celebrations I have attended, the girl gives a dvar Torah, either in shul, immediately afterwards, or at some evening simcha.

PinkFridge

Thu, Aug 30 2012, 8:07 am

Ruchel wrote:

I have never seen any project or activity at a simcha or for a simcha outside of Imamother.
If a girl had shared what she did as volunteering for her bar mitzva and how it made her grow, we would have considered her odd or braggy... but again I hardly know anyone who volunteers, they are certainly not teens.

In the secular Jewish world a mitzvah project is totally de riguer, at least according to the bar/bat mitzvah notices in the local secular Jewish paper. This can range from something meaningful and open ended, that will clearly continue beyond the birthday, to donating money (not bad but not too transformative) or working at the temple picnic.

Tablepoetry

Thu, Aug 30 2012, 8:14 am

DrMom wrote:

At most bat mitzvah celebrations I have attended, the girl gives a dvar Torah, either in shul, immediately afterwards, or at some evening simcha.

This. In the current city I live in (in Israel) the girl usually has a big evening simcha (usually at a nice hall or restaurant) and gives a dvar Torah there. The entire class is often invited, as well as extended family. Often there is also a short video clip on the girl and her family, or on some Jewish theme with the girl at the centre. The audience is usually mixed, although I've seen a couple of all-female events too. I'm talking about DL circles.

I know there are other cities where girls give a dvar Torah at shul or do something there, but it's not done here.

Thu, Aug 30 2012, 8:29 am

Ruchel wrote:

With apologies to the OP for this tangent, but...really? I find these cultural differences so interesting. I can tell from your posts that you are a thoughtful, considerate person. In my world, you would be doing all sorts of community service - everyone does, to the extent that their schedules allow, unless they are unusually selfish or have special circumstances. I have been involved in community service from age 12, and my daughter from about the same age (actually a little before, for a bat mitzvah project LOL

). Mitzvah projects are a way for kids to learn to take their places as adults in the Jewish community, participating and contributing. It makes me wonder how the mikvas and gemachs and bikur cholim etc etc work in your community, plus all the fundraising for good causes that needs to be done.

Getting back to the topic, sort of, I grew up Conservative in the US and became bat mitzvah in 1980. At that time, it was standard to participate in/lead services, read (sometimes) Torah and (always) Haftarah, and have some kind of party. I think "projects" became common later. For kids who were not from religious homes, the services were a one-time thing, without context and in a foreign language, and hardly meaningful. Even for me, from a more traditional shul-going family, it was more of a perfomance than a transformative experience. The catered events might be fun for the grown-ups, but boring and pointless for young teens, especially as party games hadn't been invented yet.

On the whole, even with the excesses we sometimes see at the celebrations, the coming-of-age experience seems to be emphasized more than in the past, especially with the incorporation of Jewish learning/siyum and mitzvah projects.

OP, does your daughter have any strong preferences about how to acknowledge her bat mitzvah? Some kids do (and sometimes they surprise us).

Ruchel

Thu, Aug 30 2012, 9:31 am

PinkFridge wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

Donating money for a simcha I have heard of, not often but I have heard of.
My secular friends who had a Bar/bat M (not quite a given when secular!) did not do that.

Ruchel

Thu, Aug 30 2012, 9:37 am

CM, I do shidduchim (for free, who would pay here) and have given kodesh lessons for free and also have a pregnancy/nursing gemach. I'm an oddity. I have been interviewed over it Wink

My world doesn't see community service as a given at all. Mikve ladies I THINK some are volunteers and some have a tiny free from the rabbanut. Bikur cholim? not around me. Maybe you'll find a rabbi who agrees to visit or call... or not. For shofar etc Chabad will probably do it. Gemach is just starting to be heard of, thanks to Israel.

Some older people with an empty nest volunteer. Not teens, not young families. There aren't so many opportunities and it's not on the radar. Years ago my mom looked to volunteer and didn't find anything, Jewish or not (we were OOT).

Thu, Aug 30 2012, 10:03 am

Ruchel wrote:

CM, I do shidduchim (for free, who would pay here) and have given kodesh lessons for free and also have a pregnancy/nursing gemach. I'm an oddity. I have been interviewed over it Wink

Of course we know about your shidduchim on imamother Very Happy

I think perhaps I misspoke earlier; I didn't mean to make assumptions about your own private actions.

I think many people are modest and don't advertise their good works. That's fine, but in order to instill the values and expectations in young people, chesed/community service projects are encouraged in a fairly public way for middle-school kids.