How do frum people have tons of kids and be sane?

Merrymom

Thu, Nov 08 2012, 3:48 pm

amother wrote:

wow op! I can totally relate! I feel like I wrote your post. I had the same question. im in a little different situation then you. I have 2 year old twins kenayna hara and I always wanted a large family but I have no clue how ppl do it. I am absolutely exhausted!!! I cant imagine being pregnant now or let alone waking up every two hours with a newborn!!!!!!! no way! I dont know how people do it and ive wondered the same thing. (ps im also a little ocd and a neat freak)

Well, you hit the nail on the head. Hashem doesn't want people to be ocd or neat freaks imho, that's exactly why people should be having large families, so that they can get over their hangups and intolerances.

33055

Thu, Nov 08 2012, 3:53 pm

Merrymom wrote:

amother wrote:

People should be having large families to get over their hangups and intolerances? What do you do with all the kids after you are cured?

amother

Thu, Nov 08 2012, 10:36 pm

Another overwhelmed mom here. I have one toddler and can't imagine what I'd do right now if I had another one. I also didn't quite know what I was getting myself into with having a kid...although I have this theory that everyone else has kids who are calmer and less of handful than my own. Smile

amother

Thu, Nov 08 2012, 10:49 pm

I have no idea!!!

I have a 41/2 year old and a 19 month old and feel ike I have no time I am completely exhausted and I know I was a better parent when I had only my oldest. I had much more patience for her and reacted purely on her actions not because of my exhaustion.

With 2 kids came the need for more money and I went from a 4 day work week to a 5 day work week which just sucks the rest of my energy away.

Plus I did ask a rav for a bc heter and I got one for at least 2 years because I just can't handle my life but guess what...I got pregnant while on bc and don't know what I am gonna do I know I am completely not ready and neither is my dh...I hope the child never knows

Merrymom

Mon, Nov 12 2012, 10:02 am

Squishy wrote:

Merrymom wrote:

amother wrote:

People should be having large families to get over their hangups and intolerances? What do you do with all the kids after you are cured?

I don't know, do you plan on giving back your one or two or three? Do you stop loving your kids because you have more than what a self centered person could handle at 25?

Isramom8

Mon, Nov 12 2012, 10:46 am

Squishy wrote:

Merrymom wrote:

amother wrote:

People should be having large families to get over their hangups and intolerances? What do you do with all the kids after you are cured?

Then you RAISE them WITHOUT your same hangups and intolerances, bettering yourself and the world! Music

amother

Mon, Nov 12 2012, 11:16 am

I'm joining the club here!!!
Glad to see I'm not the only one who feels like this. My baby is yummy but my toddler is a bundle of energy, and the 2 of them combined.... Rolling Eyes

I find myself going to the bathroom every day when dh walks through the door! Bh my toddler is starting to understand when I explain things to him, so it is getting a bit easier. Can't wait for them to grow up!

syrima

Mon, Nov 12 2012, 11:26 am

Squishy wrote:

Merrymom wrote:

amother wrote:

People should be having large families to get over their hangups and intolerances? What do you do with all the kids after you are cured?

You just have to make sure they seem reasonably normal until you marry them off- then they are someone else's problem. Rolling Eyes

paprika

Mon, Nov 12 2012, 2:05 pm

syrima wrote:

Squishy wrote:

Merrymom wrote:

amother wrote:

People should be having large families to get over their hangups and intolerances? What do you do with all the kids after you are cured?

You just have to make sure they seem reasonably normal until you marry them off- then they are someone else's problem. Rolling Eyes

You think this is an across-the-board result of a selfless, hard working mother that devotes her life to her "large" family? I beg to differ.

hadasa

Tue, Nov 13 2012, 8:32 am

Isramom8 wrote:

Squishy wrote:

Merrymom wrote:

amother wrote:

People should be having large families to get over their hangups and intolerances? What do you do with all the kids after you are cured?

Then you RAISE them WITHOUT your same hangups and intolerances, bettering yourself and the world! Music

Actually, with every child you will learn more about yourself and continue to find aspects of your character that need to be worked on.

Culturedpearls

Tue, Nov 13 2012, 9:28 am

To all of you struggling with 1-2 kids, it gets easier with more. You're more relaxed, you are more organised, kids play together.
Please don't wait for them to grow up, enjoy them NOW. The little ones are so precious & while they are hard work it's your tafkid & the most important job in the world.

amother

Tue, Nov 13 2012, 4:41 pm

While I don't have a very large family myself, I am one of 13 kids and I will put in my two cents. Of course I realize that the ways things were in my home are not necessarily the same in other large-family homes.

The older kids assumed a huge amount of responsibility for the younger kids. Not huge in a way that compares to actually being a parent, but huge compared to what other kids the same age are expected to do.
For example: Clean up dinners, make lunches, do laundry, general housekeeping such as mopping floors, babysitting, doing homework with the younger ones.

I hated all these duties when I was a teen but now I really appreciate how competent it forced me to be now that I have my own home and kids.

My mother was always stressed and exhausted. Always. I thought that's how all mothers were. Now I'm not so sure. I can't remember my mother ever reading me a book, playing with me etc., although she may have. It just probably wasn't as important as all the other things she absolutely had to do. I guess as mothers we all have to prioritize every minute of every day.

Our house was definitely not neat and clean all the time. In fact, it was only clean the days the cleaning lady came. And then it was messy a few hours after she left!

We all became self sufficient and independent quite young (around 14 yrs).
If we had to go shopping or to an appointment, we relied on public transportation or our feet to get there.

I still have no clue how my mother coped (she had pretty much no help) but I know she doesn't regret any of it.

morah

Tue, Nov 13 2012, 4:55 pm

I'm just gonna chime in as an exhausted mom of one who wants a large family but wonders how that actually works out in practice (we are ttc #2, but I'm still a little nervous for when it actually does happen IYH). My guess is, assuming most of you aren't octomoms, you're dealing with different stages, so it's easier- each stage has its challenges, but they also each have their perks, and somehow it all works out. Also, a neighbor of mine who has 8 K"H told me that one of the nice things about large families is that it's impossible to be a helicopter parent at that point. As you have more kids, you realize that a lot of energy and resources that were expended when you had just one are really not necessary for a child's well-being, so 8 kids does not end up being 8X the work; you figure out what IS necessary (some of which is obvious, like feeding and bathing and clothing your children, and some of which may vary between individual families) and take it from there.

TranquilityAndPeace

Tue, Nov 13 2012, 5:01 pm

Do you think that having a large family is easier for those who grew up in a large family, and in a society of large families?

It seems to me that they find mothering a large family easier than those of us who grew up either in small families or outside of a community where large families are the norm. They just expect their lives to be hectic. Most of their friends and neighbors lead similar lives, so they seem to accept the 'hecticness' as "that's life"...

amother

Tue, Nov 13 2012, 5:16 pm

im expecting my second, my oldest is 2 KH and my only hope is that I relax.
I think that is my biggest downfall. I am alwaaaays stressed out abt her nap, what she eats, how long she sleeps for, how clean is my house, and I know (actually I hope!) that the more you have you just cannot worry about small things.
I always imagined a large family, and my dh thinks im crazy bc how could you put a number on something like that?!
were going to take it one at a time. see how we are doing.
otherwise your question baffles me daily.

amother

Cerulean

Mon, Jun 29 2015, 8:04 am

Wait till they become teens.
A Rav once said to me that Gog Umagog is going to be bad
Raising teens is worse 😄. I'm not sure if he was kidding, but sometimes I wish they were still little and I can just read them a story, say shema with them, and say good night (without the drama).

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Jun 29 2015, 8:43 am

amother wrote:

In all this time, has anyone figures out the answer? I want a large family, but being pregnant with no energy for so long, with children to take care of, makes it seem impossible.
How do people do it?

I don't know. I am limiting my family because I am such a mess during this pregnancy. Just waiting for this to be over.