4 Year old with anxiety - now peeing constantly!

amother

Mon, Nov 19 2012, 9:51 pm

My 4 year old DS has always been a high anxiety kid (his doctor says that it's within normal range, though). He's generally a well behaved boy and we're able to deal with his anxiety for the most part. I made a major mistake yesterday, though, that seems to have triggered something and I need some advice as to how to rectify the situation.

This is what happened yesterday: We went to the park in the morning and then we got home and I told him to go to the bathroom because we were going to leave again soon, but then I got busy with other stuff and forgot to make sure that he did make....and then we left for a concert. Within two minutes of being in the car on our way to the concert, I realized that he didn't make, so I asked him if he had to and he said "no". I said, "are you sure?" and he said "yes". And then I said that it's a long ride and I can still easily turn around to go back home first to make, and then I made the mistake of adding in, "You're a big boy! Sometimes mommy is going to forget to make sure that you pee before we go, but you should know that you have to pee before leaving the house as a rule. You have to try to remember it for yourself because you're a big boy and even though Tatty and I will usually remind you, sometimes we'll forget, so you have to try to remember also".....Anyway, since then, he's been going a ridiculous number of times. I took him back home and he peed there. Then when we got to the place of the concert (30 minutes away), he made again 3 times within 5 minutes. Sometimes, he is literally just exiting the bathroom when he says that he has to make again and goes back in to pee one more drop. At first, I thought that maybe there was an infection, but he says that there's no pain, and he also is very inconsistent and can go hours without making, but then gets back into this "gotta make!" period of time where it's maybe 10-15 times in an hour. I don't think he did anything like this at school, but I'll double check with the morah tomorrow.

Anyway, what do I do now? He also hasn't been himself for the past week or so. His birthday is tomorrow - he's turning 4 - and I think that really causes anxiety for him, even though we're not making a big party for him or anything (because we know that that would cause him anxiety issues!). Anyway, if anyone has any advice, I'd really appreciate it! Today was a rough day!

imasinger

Mon, Nov 19 2012, 10:29 pm

That does sound disconcerting (no pun intended).

You have a couple of options.

Choice 1 (my suggestion): Wait another week or two, and see if this goes away on its own. It's not much fun to spend one's time in the bathroom, and with your calm, positive reassurance, he may just find a more reasonable schedule without further intervention.

Choice 2: Tell him when he goes, that he should stay there until nothing further is coming out, but after that, he'll have to wait at least X minutes before going again. Gradually extend the X. Offer some kind of reward for compliance, and lots of praise, too.

Choice 3: Consult your pediatrician, and consider getting input from a psychologist. Maybe the anxiety is getting worse, and needs management.

Whichever choice you make, remember to breathe, and take each moment one step at a time. It would also be helpful to record what is happening every day, so that if you do need to consult with someone, you have an accurate record.

Oh, and happy birthday to the little guy! I hope he has a great day!

amother

Tue, Nov 20 2012, 11:55 am

Thanks for your response. I've basically been doing a mix of #1 and #2 depending on where we are. He's still at it today and I asked his morahs if he had to make frequently yesterday and they said that he did make more than usual, but not every second like he's doing at home. They'll keep an eye on it and on his behaviour in general and let me know if anything is going on. They also said that other than that, he's been totally fine in school, baruch Hashem! He definitely hasn't been himself at home, but functioning normally at school is more important than how he is at home, in my opinion.

Anyway, I am still not sure what I should be saying to him when I try to calm him down. Like, for example, when we're in the car and he says that he has to make "right away" and can't hold it in for another minute, but I know that he doesn't actually have to go so I'm not going to pull over for him to pee on a tree or something like that....but what do I say to him? should I try to say the opposite of what I said to him two days ago which started this whole mess....by saying that even though he's a big boy, he's still only 4 years old and being 4 is really still being a little kid. And then I can mention neighbours and other kids he knows who are a few years older than he is, and say how when he gets to be that age, then he'll be really big, and every day he's getting bigger, but he's still a little kid now and needs to trust mommy that mommy knows what's best....Or is that not a good approach?

I know that I need to give this time - it's only been two days, but it's just so frustrating! By the way, he's a very bright kid and extremely sensitive in addition to having a lot of anxiety.

imasinger

Tue, Nov 20 2012, 12:32 pm

Hmmm... this might be extreme, but here's a thought...

Mind you, I wouldn't suggest this for just any situation, but yours is a bit out of the ordinary.

What if you purchase a package of pull--ups? Take him to the bathroom before a car ride, and put them on him. Then, if you are driving, and he says he needs to go "right away", tell him that he is wearing a pull-up so that the car doesn't have to stop, so if he has to go, he can use them. BUT... if he keeps them dry, you will be so happy and proud!

The next time, tell him he has a choice of the pull-ups or the underwear, but either way, if he goes just before he enters the car, he will be OK for a short car ride and you are not going to be stopping.

IMO, talking about how big or little he is should be avoided. Everyone is different, and he may either feel compelled to do something he can't yet accomplish, or feel like he is "just a baby". Instead, just focus on how proud you are when he does something good.

Barbara

Tue, Nov 20 2012, 12:41 pm

amother wrote:

OP, I know that you meant well, but I think "I" would be running to the bathroom after all that. You asked if he had to go. He said no. You were only driving 1/2 an hour. But even though he said no, you kept asking, and even went back home. I know that even for me, as an adult, the suggestion that there will not be any bathroom for a long time makes me feel like I need to go. And I think he's scared into thinking that you're going to take him somewhere without telling him in advance,and he won't be able to go.

I say leave it alone for a few days. Let him reassure himself that the toilet is always available without any comments from you. Next concert, tell him no worries, there are plenty of bathrooms where you're going.

Oh, and happy 4th birthday to him.

amother

Tue, Nov 20 2012, 2:01 pm

Firstly, I know that I made a mistake! I regret it deeply! Secondly, I only went back home because he changed his mind and said that he did have to go to the bathroom. And anyway, the only reason I pushed it is because it was close to noon and he didn't pee even once yet that day, and he had about 2 cups of milk with his breakfast. He really did have to go that first time - it was obvious. But I definitely should not have said anything about being a big boy and learning to go himself more....I regret it and wish I could take it back, but I can't! And he's not the type of kid who bounces back so easily.

And I'm not so sure I'm into the idea of putting him in pull-ups. I don't want him to think that I think that he's a baby. When my husband was driving him for a 2 minute drive yesterday, and DS had already made about 20 trips to the toilet in a period of 20 minutes when they were out, DS started to cry again that he had to make. DH said that he wasn't going to stop the car, and that if he really can't hold it in any longer, then he should just pee in his pants, and DS responded, "but I'm a big boy! I can't make in my pants!" He is clearly traumatized by what I said. I feel like I messed him up. I have spoken with his teachers and they both say to just give it a little time. But I just want to know what I should be saying to him. He's so sensitive and such a sweet boy....I hate that I did this to him and that it's even affecting his habits at school!

amother

Thu, Nov 22 2012, 10:24 am

OP here. I need more advice!

So firstly, my son's morah told me that yesterday, DS did not pee a lot at school - probably just once, as is his usual. And in the afternoon when he was home, he also only went right before bed, so that is also normal for him. Baruch Hashem! I was very happy.

This morning, however, he made a whole bunch of times saying that it was an emergency each time. I realized the trigger right away: I criticized him for something totally unrelated - just a regular bad habit of his that I can't stand. I again said something to him that I shouldn't have said. Immediately after I said it, he had to make and then made an additional 3 or 4 times within the next 45 minutes until we left for school. I really feel like a horrible mother right now. His bad habit that he did was blow his nose without a tissue, basically, so that his booger goes flying everywhere and it's really really disgusting. He knows how to use a tissue, but this has become a habit of his and he does it a few times a day at home and I always tell him not to. This time, though, I lost it and said, "do you do this at school? because I don't think anyone would want to sit beside you if you're doing this! It's disgusting!" So then, not only did he suddenly have to make excessively, but he also was totally attached to me at school and said that he wanted to go home and didn't want to stay at school. He loves school and this was the first time the entire year that anything like that had happened. The reason is obvious. Please don't tell me that what I said was wrong - it's quite obvious and I feel horrible. I have been very stressed for various reasons lately (including my DS as a cause!) and I guess I'm just saying things sometimes without thinking about it first and it comes out the wrong way. This is destroying my super sensitive child! Other than taking a vacation, which I surely do need but won't get for a while, does anyone have any suggestions?

I keep explaining to my son that I make mistakes and say things that I shouldn't say sometimes, and that I'm very sorry when I hurt his feelings. But obviously that's not doing the trick.

I was thinking of getting an empty jar or something and any time that I say something I shouldn't say (to him or anyone), I have to put something in it....and then it would lead to something....or something....I'm really not so creative. If anyone has any practical idea with the focus being how to motivate us all as a family to say only nice things to each other, I'd really appreciate telling me about it. My son loves charts, so if we can do something chart related, that would be great. One of my goals in this would also be to distract from the actual negative thing that is being said. In other words, if I do slip and say something negative, instead of my super sensitive son being fully affected by it and taking another month to rebound, he would just say, "uhoh, mommy, you made a mistake and now you have to do [such and such]". Do you know what I mean? Please help....

amother

Thu, Nov 22 2012, 11:03 am

He's not seeing a psychologist as of yet. His anxiety (and his sensitivity is linked to it) has been much higher lately, and I think it's because of his birthday, so he's usually able to handle things better than this. I've been advised by his morahs and other educational experts whom I trust to wait it out for another week or two to see if things settle before consulting with doctors. He would likely be adversely affected if I start taking him to doctors and he'd wonder why he's sick and such, so it's really not something I'd like to rush him to unless it's deemed necessary by his morahs. In the mean time, I just want to try to get him to be more relaxed and calm at home. And I need new strategies to get through this difficult time. If anyone has any advice or experience with high anxiety and highly sensitive kids, I'd really appreciate it!