3.5 year old doing inappropriate things... please help..

amother

Sun, Nov 25 2012, 9:05 pm

About 2 weeks ago I noticed my 3.5 year old wasnt around, I went upstairs and found him hiding in my room, he was putting some toys into his underwear, when he heard me, he turned around the toys fell out. he was embarrassed and couldnt really look at me in the eye. I asked him what he was doing and he told me nothing. he's only 3.5 years. I just ignored it.

This past week on thursday I was upstairs doing things and he came out of his room and asked me to close his zipper and tuck him in, he usually does that when he comes out of the bathroom since he cant do it himself. this time he was coming out of his room. I went into his room and found 3 dolls on the floor. I didnt know what to think so I guess I sort of ignored it..

On shabbos my son had a friend over and theywere playing in the playroom by themselves. my husband told me after I while I he realized it was really quiet and all he heard was whispering. he went into the room and found my son's pants down (not underwear) and he was laying on top of his friend. when they heard my husband come in they both jumped up and looked really scared.

we do not know what to think of this.. I'm so nauseous just thinking about it and its driving me crazy. he is only 3 and half years old.. no, he never walked in on my and my husband ever, and we do not have a TV or show/watch videos ever. we live in lakewood and live a reg heimishe/yeshivishe life. I do not know what to make of this..

my husband tried talking to my son about this quietly and asked him who showed him this etc, but he keeps naming different people, meaning, he doesnt want to say and is trying to get around it. that's what we think. we dont know what to believe anywhere or if what he's saying is true. (he does have a tendency to lie sometimes, but that's normal at this age) im going crazy just thinking about this and its getting me quite scared and nervous.

Should I be really nervous about this? What in the world am I supposed to think???

marina

Sun, Nov 25 2012, 9:10 pm

Your kid is playing doctor. And maybe exploring his body parts. Trying to figure out what feels good. Or how he's different from a girl.

What should you think? You should think: Oh, good, my son is a normal healthy pre-schooler. Boruch Hashem.

Lady Godiva

Sun, Nov 25 2012, 9:30 pm

Three and half years old, with pants down and laying on top of a friend is not the average type of exploration or play for a child that age.
I would be concerned.
Does he go to a babysitter or school where he might be exposed to something he shouldn't be?

I wouldn't worry so much about toys in the underwear, but naked and laying on top of another child is a little more worrisome. You should get to the bottom of this.

amother

Sun, Nov 25 2012, 9:36 pm

OP here,

yes, he does go to playgroup, but I cant imagine what could be happening there. its an only boys playgroup.

amother

Sun, Nov 25 2012, 9:55 pm

I think you should definitely do some research about a good therapist for children in your area. Although it is possible that he is merely exploring and going through a phase, it is also possible that he's learning this from someone else. And if you're not able to figure it out from talking with him, then he should see a therapist who specializes in this area. I don't want to make you freak out even more, but maybe just think about any men in your son's life, like uncles, older cousins, etc, who have time with him alone, and keep an eye on them in the future.

amother

Sun, Nov 25 2012, 10:06 pm

That's just the thing, he is hardly hardly around any men in the family... I cant even think who or what! we hardly see uncles and he doesnt have any 'older' cousins...

amother

Sun, Nov 25 2012, 10:12 pm

I dont want to make you more alarmed then you already are but it doesnt have to be men he is around to be suspicious. It could be another little boy or a woman. I second taking him to a childrens threrpist to get to the bottom of it.

imasinger

Sun, Nov 25 2012, 10:26 pm

Can you ask some questions to the person in charge of the playgroup? You'd have to be subtle if you don't want her to know what you are worried about.

I agree that if it were my child, I'd be looking into it further, maybe with a therapist's help.

jaysmom

Sun, Nov 25 2012, 10:29 pm

Perhaps your pediatrician can make a referral to a therapist or give you more guidance.

amother

Sun, Nov 25 2012, 11:28 pm

He needs to know also that you don't think he is being bad so he shouldn't be afraid you will be angry at him.

bamamama

Mon, Nov 26 2012, 1:01 am

amother wrote:

This would be my guess - another little boy was exposed to something inappropriate and brought it to playgroup or whatever. Def take him to a therapist - they have really gentle ways of finding out what's going on.

chani8

Mon, Nov 26 2012, 10:40 am

A charedi boy doing these kinds of things????

Run, don't walk, to your nearest non-charedi therapist.

Sherri

Mon, Nov 26 2012, 10:50 am

Usually professionals will tell parents do be careful how they broach the subject and question their kids. I would not bring up the topic with your son again until you deal with it professionally.

MimiMommy

Mon, Nov 26 2012, 11:01 am

Yeah, I don't think you should panic, but try getting a referral to a therapist. They might just tell you it's normal behavior but you should ask somebody.

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Nov 26 2012, 3:54 pm

Delicacy needed here. All that jumping up means he already has the idea there is something to jump up about and get embarrassed about. I would not do any reacting at all and be extra loving, and, yes, get some help. A phone call (paid for) to an expert in this field when the child definitely cannot hear you or see your face afterward might be useful. Or even a few phone calls, to different therapists, to see what the various responses are.

Yes, it's quite possibly the playgroup, as that seems to be the only time you are not around him to see what's going on. (Is that true?) And yes, it can be a kid in the group, who saw something at home, or was himself told by an older child or an adult, and then brought it to the group, as a big deal precious thing! Or, Chas V'Sh, a care-giver at the group, of any age or gender at all.

So without panicking, yes, get some professional opinion right away. Just MHO. I am no expert.

718

Mon, Nov 26 2012, 6:59 pm

I agree with all those who said it doesnt sound normal.
Being inappropriate and exploring is normal.
Lying on top is not and would deffenitely scare me.

elee124065

Sat, Dec 29 2012, 10:05 pm

marina wrote:

I disagree. This is by no means normal or healthy. Sounds like the child is modeling the behavior of something he was exposed to whether it be a family member, Morah or another child. I would look into this immediately without giving your child anything to be fearful of.
[b]

Mommastuff

Sat, Dec 29 2012, 11:44 pm

definately check it out. You don't want to find out down the road that you've missed some red flags.

amother

Sat, Dec 29 2012, 11:55 pm

amother wrote:

OP here,

yes, he does go to playgroup, but I cant imagine what could be happening there. its an only boys playgroup.

Not to get you more nervous but there was a story a few years back in lakewood... with a playgroup teacher's husband.... I would def take him to a therapist

amother

Sun, Dec 30 2012, 1:16 am

My sister's oldest boy (7) was molested by his 15yo step brother. The 7yo came home, and molested his 5yo baby brother.

Don't assume that an adult is the problem. It's most likely the head of the problem, but the chain of abuse can come down through children. Please get professional help immediately!