What helps you not argue with dh in front of your kids?

amother

Tue, Dec 25 2012, 12:24 am

I really want my children to grow up in a peaceful home and not hear arguing b/w parents. B'h we have an excellent marriage but sometimes things come up that upset me or him while we're with the kids. obviously major topics get discussed behind closed doors but sometimes he says something that really upsets me or vice versa and its so hard to not say anything till later. Or to just say something in an even tone. what helps you?

FranticFrummie

Tue, Dec 25 2012, 1:52 am

When I was going through a divorce with my ex, we fought over email. It sounds silly, but there was no way we could argue without DD hearing it.

We'd be sitting there on our own computers, typing away furiously, and she had no clue that we were angry. Email has the added advantage that you can go back and read what you wrote before you hit "send". That way you can calm down a bit, and take out the stuff you might regret later. My ex has a really hard time expressing himself verbally, and it gets worse when he feels like he's under pressure to respond. With email, he felt like he wasn't being attacked, so we made some really good progress.

I think that if we had yelled at each other, not only would it have done terrible harm to DD, but we also wouldn't be able to be friends today. My ex and I get along really well now, and we make a great co-parenting team. Being able to work out our problems in writing made all the difference in the world.

Roots

Tue, Dec 25 2012, 5:30 am

wow FranticFrummie that sounds amazing!
idk b/c my baby is only few months old but ill have to ask my mom I NEVER EVER saw or heard my parents yell at each other. (or touch each other for that matter ( I remember ONCE when I was like 10 my dad checked my moms forehead to see if she had fever. and thats it..)

superjew

Tue, Dec 25 2012, 8:14 am

Its actually healthy for children to see that people can have differences & have emotions (like anger or pain etc) However, this is obviously if it doesn't get nasty AND if you make up after in your child earshot too. Plus, discussing with your child after about how people sometimes fight and it doesn't effect how we love/respect/feel for each other helps. Its healthy for us to show emotions. Its part of growing up.
Again, not if this happens often or nasty.
Make a trick word, if it gets too much , to stop. So in middle of the fight if you say 'pickle' it means stop and take it elsewhere or calm down and discuss properly.

chani8

Tue, Dec 25 2012, 8:25 am

FF that was a great aitza!! More than once, texting has saved me from an ugly argument with my teens, that is for sure.

I also agree with superjew that if you can model normal behavior, then having a disagreement in front of the kids, and a resolution, is healthy and helpful for them. We are not meant to be perfect, and it seems you are trying to present this 'perfect marriage' to your kids, but what does it teach them?

amother

Tue, Dec 25 2012, 10:29 am

op here. Yes its ok for kids to hear some diagreements and their resolutions. but I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about getting heated up about something. like if dh says something or does something that really upsets me...and I dont want to lash out...what helps you shelf it for later?

and there's very good reason for this. when children grow up with parents arguing in front of them they can be much less secure. my kids are young and I see that it bothers them so I really want to stop.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Dec 26 2012, 10:17 am

DD asked me recently why did exDH and I break up, if we got along so well? I told her about how we fought with email so we wouldn't upset her, and she was really impressed! I'm glad I told her now that she's older, so she can realize that people can find constructive ways to fight and resolve differences - that don't involve yelling.

At the time of the divorce, she was only 2 1/2, old enough to be upset, but young enough to not understand why. Now that she's 9 she can appreciate how we handled things. When she gets angry or frustrated, I encourage her to journal or write letters to the person who is upsetting her. It helps her process her feelings and diffuse the emotion behind the issue.

black sheep

Wed, Dec 26 2012, 11:44 am

remind yourself that you are an adult and you are in control of your actions and your reactions. (this is the third time I'm writing that this week! similar threads...) if you don't want to get angry in front of the kids, no one is forcing you to. no matter what your dh does, you are the one who decides how you react. if you need more incentive than that, you can make yourself a sticker chart. one sticker for every day that you don't yell at your dh in front of the kids, and when the chart is complete you get a prize Smile

hang it inside the door of your closet, no one will know but you.

chani8

Thu, Dec 27 2012, 12:58 am

My DH stops arguments by saying, "I love you, and I don't wan't us to argue." It can be hard at times for me to acquiesce. Usually I growl out an "ok". But overall, I think finding a 'truce' phrase helps to eliminate most mood-based arguments.

For the disagreements that need discussion, you could say, "I love you. This is important, but can we talk about it later (and not in front of the kids)?"

amother

Thu, Dec 27 2012, 9:00 am

My sons reaction.

We were having a heated political discussion, not an argument between us but something we both had different opinions. I could have have had it with my sister or friend equally.

Suddenly, I found my 5 year old son with his hands on his ears singing 'la la la' to himself...

This upset us both so much, that we both started laughing/crying and I explained to my son that Tatty and Mommy still love each other and their children but they just were thinking different things.

Imagine if we would have been personal.

Anonymous because I have told people I know this story, also because I grew up in a home with a lot of fighting, name slinging and worse. It is so horrible for children that even now I can hardly bear to spend time at my parents home, in case my ears start ringing again.

amother

Turquoise

Sun, Jul 05 2015, 7:10 am

Need help with this too.

DH can sometimes do things that are so annoying that I find it impossible to keep quiet. Texting/emailing is not a solution though as DH often leaves his phone around and doesn't hear if messages come in, he also doesn't have email on his phone.

Some good advice here but bumping up for more.

amother

Turquoise

Sun, Jul 05 2015, 9:12 am

Just came across this from Dr. Phil and thought someone else might appreciate it too.

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Fighting in front of your kids, says Dr. Phil, is nothing short of abuse. Read on before you make the decision to ever do it again.

Children learn what they live. Stop and think about what you're teaching them.

What goes through your mind when you do it? How do you justify doing this? Why do you think you're entitled to fight in front of your kids? You've got to look at this and say, "This ain't workin!" Stop justifying it. The kids are picking up the tab.

You have a choice: either vent your impulse or love your children. Those are mutually exclusive. When you fight in front of your kids, you are putting your need to explode ahead of your kids' best interest and peace of mind.

What are you fighting about? What's your goal when you call each other names? Is it worth trashing your children's harmony? Can you even remember what was so important last week that you were willing to trample over your children? What "victory" were you looking for? Is it worth it? Do you think your kids think it's worth it?

There are important issues in every marriage that need to be discussed. Turn the volume down to deal with them.

Stop being a "right-fighter." The kids don't care who's right. "They want you to shut up," says Dr. Phil.

Don't say you can't control your anger. That's not true. It's that you don't control your anger. Have you had fights at your boss's house? At church? At a restaurant with friends? You don't do it when you can't.

The only person you control is you. Choose to control your impulses.

amother

Firebrick

Sun, Jul 05 2015, 9:28 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

And what did you do on Shabbos? Since we are all together pretty much all day, that always seems to be my most challenging day to keep myself in check.