Could use support, not coping with twins and house and husb

amother

Wed, Jan 02 2013, 5:47 pm

I recently had twins within my first year of marriage and I cant seem to cope. The funding for nursing help stopped last week. I'm finding it so hard to take care of 2 little babies. My husband helps me a little but its not enough, I end up doing most of the night feedings. I'm still working and in desperate need of a babysitter so I don't know if I'll be able to continue working. Both my kids are colicky and tend to cry a lot and don't sleep through the night yet. My house is one big mess that I don't have time or energy to clean. Taking care of twins is really putting a strain on my marriage. I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't cry to just let it out. When the brunt of taking care of them is on me, I turn into a shmata. I love taking care of them and am so thankful for them but its really starting to get to me. I just don't know what to do. It seems like everything is falling apart.

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Jan 02 2013, 5:54 pm

Hugs.

You just had two big life events, marrying and birth be patient with yourself. Cry all you want when nobody's looking. You may want the money but it is probable you will be taking a leave of absence from your job.

Be nice to hubby.

The kids will be more mature and will straighten out and be more cheerful soon.

Nuk pacifyers are very useful.

Keep in touch with your pediatrician or the nurse in that office.

There are twins support websites.

Hugs. Jerusale.m wasn't built in a day.

http://www.kveller.com/parent/.....shtml

b from nj

Wed, Jan 02 2013, 6:02 pm

Dolly is right (hey, did I just say that Very Happy

?)! You have a LOT going on!! It's hard enough get adjusted to marriage itself & on top of that you have not 1 baby but 2 ka"h! It's overwhelming & you need more help than you are getting. Maybe you get in touch with a local girls' school & see if they can send over some girls who can help you with the twins in the evenings so that you can have a bit of time to yourself.

It sounds like even if you were to stop working you'd still need an extra pair of hands & if anyone can help you with that (for example-if your parents can help out with that financially by any chance) I'm SURE it would make your life so much more manageable. Then again, even if it is not financially feasible, hopefully the chesed girls can help out & maybe even some women in your community who do chesed can assist. Everyone loves holding & helping out with twins!

Anyhow, I do believe it WILL get easier but it will be a challenge until then!

Hang in there & mazal tov, mazal tov!!!

amother

Wed, Jan 02 2013, 6:23 pm

I had twins when I was married about a year and two months. How old are your twins? Once they are sleeping thought the night it's a lot easier... I remember the first couple of months also crying a lot and remember one thing that helped was trying to make it fun... Get some fun snacks, of u watch DVDs some entertaining shows or books to watch and try to get out a little with just you and your husband with the twins and without them... Also try and do done shifts with your husband so you can sleep some.. My twins are bh 4 now and it's challenging in different ways now bh!!

zaq

Wed, Jan 02 2013, 6:32 pm

Cut yourself some slack. A nice, thick slice. Then cut yourself another. Having twinfants AND working AND no household help? Woman, no wonder you cry! It's not dysfunctional, it's an effective strain relief mechanism. Don't hold back--crying releases endorphins or whatever they're called that make you feel better.

Standards for twin households are different than for singleton households. Of COURSE the place is mess. Not to worry, kids grow up and eventually you get the place back in order Just keep reminding yourself the mess is only temporary. The babies will outgrow their colic, and eventually they will sleep thru the night.

Sit your dh down and lay out a night-feeding rotation. Since you both work, you both have to share this chore. Insist upon this and don't let yourself get diverted by misguided rachmonus on your dh, unless he has a job in which his sleep deprivation can cost lives. Assuming he does not operate a crane, fly a plane, direct air traffic or perform surgery, he should be doing night duty as often as you.

Your dh needs to step up to the plate as far as housework, too. Simplify your household as much as possible, address only what's important, and arrange with dh who will do what. A clean table on which you eat--important. Clean bookshelves? Not important. Clean underwear? Important. Ironed blouses? Not important except for job interviews and public appearances. Nutritious meals? Important. Hot home-cooked meals? Not important. remember, whole-grain cereal with milk or a slice of cheese on whole-grain bread, plus a carrot and an apple for dessert constitute a balanced meal.

[[[hugs]]] hang in there. This, too, shall pass. Eventually.

amother

Wed, Jan 02 2013, 8:39 pm

I have twin infants too, it is not easy! It is a double blessing but a LOT of work. I can't imagine doing it with no cleaning help and as a relative newlywed. I do not work, and have lots of cleaing help but still lose it at least once a day. What you are doing is amazing! However, you must get some help. Can you call a local high school to send over chessed girls, even an hour a day can help you breath. It is a huge responsibilty taking care of two babies all day and night, you need a little break. Where are you located?

amother

Wed, Jan 02 2013, 8:48 pm

Also, try to find ways to eliminate some household work. For instance, once I started working full time, I went to BJ's and we stocked up on papergoods= no more dishes to wash. Do you have siblings you can borrow baby clothes from? The more clothes you have, the less often you will have to do laundry. I don't know if you are up to making dinner yet, but if you are, try to make a quadruple batch of whatever you are making and freeze the rest. Otherwise, maybe do takeout or sandwiches. When I started working full time and went to school at night and had an infant, my husband took over making dinner. (If you want, you can PM me and I can send you the two week dinner menu he wrote up for himself) Smile

Definitely try getting help at night. Instead of alternating feedings, do you want to try alternating nights? Do you have a younger sibling who can sleep over and help you on weekends? (Even if you are nursing, you can always pump and prepare bottles)

Good luck!! You must feel very overwhelmed now but it will get better soon! And twins are super adorable Smile

amother

Wed, Jan 02 2013, 9:01 pm

Hi, OP here. I cant help but tear up when I read the responses. Thank you all so much. This chizuk definitely helps. To know there are others goin through this too is comforting that I'm not alone. I'm in Brooklyn, yeah I do have to make some phone calls to find out about help. I've been cooking suppers while I have a few quiet minutes I'm not a good bulk cooker but I should learn how. Their 3 months old now, I think the only thing really helping me is when they give me a big smile. Coffee's been helping for the rest!

amother

Wed, Jan 02 2013, 9:34 pm

I want to comment about the crying thing. It's so funny that you wrote that you cry as a release. I did too when I had twins and I seriously thought I was depressed, needed therpay, had anxiety, cookoo. I cried every day for like 3- 4 minutes- and that was it. I was fine after that and before that. I wasnt sad the whole day. Just after the whole long day of caring for them it was so pent up in me that a quick cry mamesh relaxed me.
Anyways Its weird but it took a long time - like 3 years to to not need that cry anymore. (ok I;m not saying I would cry every single day but in the beginning, when they were babies and then when they turned like 20 months and they wouldn't listen until like 3 when they finally started to be disciplined.)

I have to say that now they are 6 and I can't tell you how I laugh at myself. sure I cry once in a while when its hard . But bh a million times- my twins are such a pleasure. They are best friends, they fight (which drives me nuts) but they are so so close. In school they check eachother out during recess. they share their nosh. I promise- it gets easier. At around age 3 I found a massive calming down on all levels- first physcailly it got easier because they were toilet trained and able to bukle themselves in the car. And disicp;line wise- they understood more how to behave. And now at 6 it's not just a breeze- it's like I feel bad for my neighbros with 1 6 year old, really! I feel like I am so lucky. And they also feel lucky taht they have eachother. Besides the confidence factor. The two of them are like so confidnet in themselves- because they know that they have eachother.

I know how hard it is for you right now. I was there. I also didn't have any help. It was murder. It felt like my life was over. But please know taht it gets easier. Even before age 3, every single month just gets easier. IT doesn't get harder ever. even when they are 18 months and running in all directions - which is a challenge- it is still not as hard as the newborn twins stage. Nothing in my opnion is as hard as that.

I am sending out my love to you
Like everyone else wrote- you are normal- and keep up your hard good work.

amother

Wed, Jan 02 2013, 9:43 pm

I'm the amother that just posted - and even now rereading my post- I'm getting teary eyed thinking about how hard it was and how it's like hazorim bedima berina yiktzoru- how much I cried just 2-3 years ago, and how much joy I have now. I wish I can help you- one thing that I did was LET THE HOUSE GO- really- there's no rule that your house needs to be vaccummed or mopped every week or month or I don't konw. If something spills- clean it up and finisehd. But if right now you cant afford cleaning help - then just clean when you're in the mood or when something gets dirty. and finished . that's it. Washing clothing- get a lot of clothes from gemachs and do a load a week- whatever- and that's it.
about feeling like a shmatte- drink drink drink - ok it's not really related but I feel like when I drink water- I perk up so much. Make sure you are hydrated.

ok enough for now!

mochacoffee

Wed, Jan 02 2013, 9:53 pm

OP again. To the last poster:
Yeah just a few min cry every day, it does help. My dh told me I've been crying a lot lately, I kept telling myself and him that its normal! Thanks for the encouragement. Every time I meet someone with twins and they start telling me their stories I ask, when does it get easier? It's so good to know it really does get easier. Since they were newborn it has gotten a tiny drop easier and I am slowly getting used to juggling 2 babies, so that gives me hope.

amother

Wed, Jan 02 2013, 9:55 pm

I'm the crying amother once again- I forgot one more thing-
I lived at teh mall- ok it's not the best place for a yiddishe neshama to spend her day- but really- I just took my double snap and go- this was when they were like 6-7 months- not sure how old yours are - but at around 6-7 months when teh feedings are more regulated- I had them in the bundleme adn we would walk around the mall. I loved it because I would get so much attention from all the mall goers- oohh twiinsss wooowww. It was cool. But it just passed teh time. Also at night- GET THEM ON THE SAME SCHEDULE. and let them cry- I know this is evil and I didn't do this with my other kids- but I was strict about nursing them together at teh same time every three hours and if they woke in between- no nursing. Even that was so hard and I did let them cry (the pediatrican said it was ok- as they were gaining nicely- and were just waking for comfort) I just let them cry- and after 3 nights they were fine. They slept through the night- and they had a happy mommy (well, for most of the day) and they were well rested. They would go in for the night at say 10 and wake at 5- but I slept straight those hours. IT was good. Ask the pediatrician.

B"H YOM YOM

Wed, Jan 02 2013, 10:00 pm

I am so totally feeling your panic. You are bringing back those times of hyperventilation! Just know that you are doing above and beyond...It is probably hard to 'let the house go' etc because these twins came when you were a newlywed and you still want everything perfect. Forget it-you just jumped quite a few steps over other shana rishona couples. So...instead of essentially duplicating a post, I'll state: "what zaq said"!
Ok, so I see you live in Brooklyn, if you would like to pm me, there are some names/numbers/orginizations/and words of chizzuk :) that I can give you. It would be my pleasure. Mazal Tov, Mazal Tov on those little loves of your life. Much, much nachas always.

amother

Wed, Jan 02 2013, 10:01 pm

So their pediatrician said letting them cry is ok, I just can't handle it. I try to rock them when their crying at night so it wipes me out, its just so hard for me to let them cry. With their dr's approval we've been giving them 2 ounces water for the night feeding to try to get them to sleep through the night. It's not working so their still waking up. At this point I think I am going to let them cry. My dh (who can sleep through a car coming through the house) has been trying to get me to let them cry so they'll learn to sleep through the night.

amother

Wed, Jan 02 2013, 10:03 pm

Another twin mom here, mine are 5 months old ka'h. At times I think.. Phew, why was I chosen to have twins!! but I dismiss that thought immediately and go cuddle my 2 little ones. It's HARD. If someone tells you otherwise they're a liar!! It will get easier? I guess it will (EVERYONE says that so there MUST be some truth in it...) and um, yeah I guess I can say it did. In one way it did, in another way not. One of my kids used to be a lot better at night and now he wakes up more often etc. But I can't help but kiss em and cuddle em and LOVE them both to pieces! It is a Double Blessing AND Double Trouble too!!

Keep cool... don't expect too much of urself... take naps when you can... let yourself be helped!!! If someone offers you help ACCEPT IT! I learnt to do just that and it's making my life soo much easier!

Also, I was told my a few {smart} women... There's gotta be clean laundy (no matter where it's taken from.. the dryer or the pile on the couch) and food to eat. Nothing more is expected of you at this point but to do that and take care of your precious gifts... Wait till they look at each other and just SMILE! Aaaah. Delicious.

Good Luck!

amother

Wed, Jan 02 2013, 10:07 pm

Came across some great poems about twins:

Two to Love"
There's two to wash, there's two to dry,
There's two who argue, there's two who cry.
One's in the mud having a ball,
The other holds a crayon, another marked wall.
Some days seem endless, my patience grows thin.
Why was I chosen to be a mother of twins?
The answer comes clear at the end of the day,
As I tuck them in bed and to myself I say,
There's two to kiss, there's two to hug,
And best of all, there's two to love.

"A Gift from God"
Now is the time when things settle down,
that one has a chance to look around.
To take a deep breath, smile and say
today really wasn't such a bad day.
That nobody got hurt, nobody got sick,
and Mom's coffee table got just one new nick.
Which is truly amazing considering the fact,
God gave you two babies, you can't send one back.
Yes, you have twins, that you can't ignore,
as you scrape the dried oatmeal off the floor.
The pleasures are many, the troubles are few,
remember you're a Mom doubly blessed with two.
No matter how bad things really seem,
one can take sour milk and turn it to cream.
For the day will come when they're no longer small,
and you'll say to yourself it wasn't any trouble at all.
So remember when you have trouble with your little pair,
that they were a gift from God, so precious and rare.
Some people will loose, but you'll share the wins,
because you were made the Mother of Twins.

The Parents Of Twins
A meeting was convened one day
In Heaven's sacred hall.
The ideal parents must be found
For twins so sweet and small.

They must be patient, first of all,
And calm and kind and wise,
And capable of chasing tears
Away from little eyes.

Would also put their children first
And have a lot of smarts,
With dedication and resolve,
Two sweet and loving hearts.

It was agreed you were the best --
No other ones would do.
Yes, Heaven found the perfect ones
And sent those twins to you!