Why do abuse victims keep going back?

MimiMommy

Wed, Jan 23 2013, 1:32 pm

Weberman was very cunning at discerning who would make a good victim and who would not.
Good victims are easy to persuade and, well, victimize. He could have told her she needs to do it to get better; he could have threatened to expose her "evilness" and destroy her family. Maybe her family insisted she keep going because they didn't know what was going on ( a topic for another time). The point is, most normal people wouldn't keep going. Weberman knew who was weak enough to be manipulated.

Maya

Wed, Jan 23 2013, 1:37 pm

glamourmom wrote:

thats my question. at that age she could have refused to go. or thrown a teenage fit or run away every time she had a session scheduled. why did she continue going to Weberman for 3 yrs if she was tortured like that?

Did you read any of the related threads on here? They have your answer, multiple times over.

The school administration forced her to continue or risk being thrown out of school.

5*Mom

Wed, Jan 23 2013, 1:58 pm

vintagebknyc wrote:

because predators convince their victims that telling about the abuse will get them into even more trouble--that their families would be destroyed, blackballed in the community, killed.

Yes, predators usually do this after carefully grooming their victims into an emotional and psychological dependency on the abuser. And by creating a lot of confusion.

5S5Sr7z3

Wed, Jan 23 2013, 2:06 pm

glamourmom wrote:

If you have never been abused you will never understand.

5*Mom

Wed, Jan 23 2013, 2:11 pm

MimiMommy wrote:

The point is, most normal people wouldn't keep going.

I can understand the temptation to believe this, the need to believe this, but it simply isn't true. S*xual predators are especially skilled in the art of grooming even *normal* people to the point that they can then be easily victimized. The confusion is so great at first that the victim can hardly make sense of what has happened. And by the time they do, they feel responsible for what they *allowed* to happen and then there's no way out. Who will believe them after what *they* have done?

For an excellent understanding of the grooming process, which I believe is crucial for all parents, I highly recommend the book The Socially Skilled Child Molester: Differentiating the Guilty from the Falsely Accused, by Carla Van Dam.

MimiMommy

Wed, Jan 23 2013, 2:21 pm

5*Mom wrote:

MimiMommy wrote:

The point is, most normal people wouldn't keep going.

Thanks for this. But I still maintain that predators, for the most part, tend to find and groom victims who are already confused or have low self-esteem, or nobody to turn to. Correct me if I'm wrong, I'm certainly no expert.

Fox

Wed, Jan 23 2013, 2:22 pm

5*Mom wrote:

For an excellent understanding of the grooming process, which I believe is crucial for all parents, I highly recommend the book The Socially Skilled Child Molester: Differentiating the Guilty from the Falsely Accused, by Carla Van Dam.

I read this book a few years ago when I was staying at the home of a social worker who owned it. The title caught my attention, and I found it very educational. It's a pretty expensive book if I recall, but it might be available through libraries.

5*Mom

Wed, Jan 23 2013, 2:33 pm

MimiMommy wrote:

5*Mom wrote:

MimiMommy wrote:

The point is, most normal people wouldn't keep going.

Many if not most *normal* people are included in these categories. The two biggest risk factors are parents who are uninvolved or even temporarily distracted and therefore unavailable--after the birth of a new baby, or during a family illness, for example--and a child who will not say no to an adult. Children who protest at the earliest sign of a boundary violation--the weird and creepy category way before any s*xual touch--will be passed over for easier prey. Children who have close relationships with available adults will also be likelier to be passed over for easier prey. Too risky.

vintagebknyc

Wed, Jan 23 2013, 2:35 pm

MimiMommy wrote:

while I am grateful not to have been abused (therefore have no experience in this), I believe that for whatever reasons the predators choose their victims because they know they can get away with it with that person.

I think is is why some victims have been harmed by several different predators, and why some women repeatedly get into abusive relationships. there is something about each of us that attracts different people, often the same kind of people, over and over again.

shlomitsmum

Wed, Jan 23 2013, 2:39 pm

Oh gosh! why does reading this question make me feel so sad and icky ?

I feel like it somehow blames the girl indirectly Exploding anger

Why does the "why"even matter now? This "man" acted like despicable monster ....I am willing to speculate that she was not going to visit him for the "fun" of it OP he must have tortured her with blackmail , threats etc....

B'H she was strong and did not kill herself after such a horrible abuse , that is an open ness . B'H she will only know peace from now on.

As a former volunteer with an agency that dealt with abused teens and children (Zebra protective services doing Art proyects ) http://zebracentre.ca/

I can tell you ... the predators are so skilled that it is shocking to see the absolute control they have on victims the kids often feel torn confused on their feelings very much like a stockholm syndrome Victim .

I find this speculation on why this girl kept going vouyeristic and in poor taste.
Sorry it just rubs me the wrong way...

here is this link featuring the "childs view"
http://zebracentre.ca/childs-view/

5*Mom

Wed, Jan 23 2013, 2:49 pm

shlomitsmum wrote:

I find this speculation on why this girl kept going vouyeristic and in poor taste. Sorry it just rubs me the wrong way...

I hear you, but I feel this is exactly the discussion that needs to take place now in order to more deeply understand the mechanics of the grooming process and how predators can manage to exploit even the smallest vulnerability in our children--all of our children--and our communities.

shlomitsmum

Wed, Jan 23 2013, 3:00 pm

5*Mom wrote:

shlomitsmum wrote:

I find this speculation on why this girl kept going vouyeristic and in poor taste. Sorry it just rubs me the wrong way...

Talking about it in the GENERAL SENSE is surely needed and positive but not done this way with such a question regarding the girl ....maybe start a thread with info etc but don't go asking Why she kept going..... it sounds sounds morbid .

PS one of the biggest issues for kids is the mixed feelings that develop over time..(s-x feels good ) speculating on "why" places some blame on this girl. that is my issue with it not the talking about abuse or educating people.

zaq

Wed, Jan 23 2013, 3:05 pm

shlomitsmum wrote:

Oh gosh! why does reading this question make me feel so sad and icky ?

I feel like it somehow blames the girl indirectly Exploding anger

Don't apologize, you're 100% right. The title of this thread implies blaming the victim. The OP is the one who should apologize.