The un-invite VENT

watergirl

Sat, Jun 29 2013, 9:23 pm

You know when someone tells you "I keep meaning to have you guys for Shabbos! But its been SOOOOO crazy!" then walks away? SO RUDE! I would have come back to her with "ok so lets pick a date and well come" but I've tried that with her before, she wont do it! (oh, gee, ya know... so much going on... Ill call you!) I know were never going to get a real invite from her, whatever, fine. But whats with people saying this to people? I've gotten it many times before!

This is someone who we have had over before, and do to her culture, will not come back to us before weve been to her.

Point of this vent post being... WHATS WITH PEOPLE! Just smile, say hi, and walk away. Why be fake?

Thanks. I feel better.

Ema of 5

Sat, Jun 29 2013, 9:32 pm

watergirl wrote:

It's not always fake. There are lots of people that I would live to invite but I never remember until I see them. We are the type of people who don't plan weeks in advance so making a date on the spot won't necessarily work for us.
When I say oh I always mean to invite you but......I totally mea it, whether we make plans on the spot or not.

Mimisinger

Sat, Jun 29 2013, 9:34 pm

You must live in our community. We moved in a couple of years ago and so many people are like, "we totally have to have you....." Yeah, well they haven't. Just don't say it!

amother

Sat, Jun 29 2013, 9:36 pm

Or when your DH's sister/sil tell you "I have been meaning to call you", and they never call, I feel like a nebach case. They only call for money for presents.

Or when DH's family has a Shabbos simcha (Kiddush, bar mitzvah, shalom zochar..) and no one ever invites us, so we miss everything. Two sis have really big houses and plenty of space, especially now since some kids are in camp. The sad thing is that no one seems to miss us.

Had a tough Shabbos just feeling unwanted by DH's family.

hop613

Sun, Jun 30 2013, 10:36 am

I know what you are referring to, but in all fairness--

I do sometimes say this, and it is almost always true. I find it hard to have guests right now, and for the past couple years that I've been pregnant/with a young child. We RARELY have guests. So yes, if you are my friend, and I tell you that I have been meaning to have you over, it is true. But I have only guests once every few months, so it might take a while until I can invite you.

But only you can judge if the person is sincere or not.

amother

Tue, Jul 02 2013, 1:35 am

I've done this a few times, not just about Shabbos but also just about meeting up with people.

It is always sincere, I DO wish I could invite them but circumstances don't allow.

zaq

Tue, Jul 02 2013, 5:27 pm

Like the post-date "I'll call you", it's a sign of immaturity. They don't want to invite you, sense that they should, and aren't grown-up enough not to mislead you. If you have tried to put them on the spot by saying "next week is good for us" and you still get nowhere, just accept that this person does not really intend to invite you.

I suspect that people who do this kind of thing are socially insecure and believe that creating the illusion of a mad, hectic, full-to-bursting schedule will make people think they are smarter, more accomplished and more successful, both socially and otherwise, than they really are. They don't realize that they just make themselves look scatterbrained, disorganized and inept.

watergirl

Tue, Jul 02 2013, 6:02 pm

DrMom wrote:

You can reply with "Great! I'm free next week. Shall we make it a date? What can I bring?"

Like I said in my OP, I've come back with that before, and she just says shes got too much going on ect.

Obviously, I know she has no intention of having us over. Like I said, its just a vent. But can people not see the utter rudeness of it? If ou cant have guests, just keep your mouth closed.

To all the posters who said they do this, please think about it again before you do it next time. If you want to have someone, invite them. If you cant, for whatever reason, think of something else to say. If your just being a flake, well then... don't.

zaq

Tue, Jul 02 2013, 6:52 pm

anonymrs wrote:

Maybe she really wants you to come but is overwhelmed or intimidated by the thought?

Then as OP says, she should keep her mouth shut. Nobody's forcing her to invite, after all. By extending this sort of non-invitation, one only makes oneself look bad. There's an element of genevat daat, too. It's very much like pledging a donation to the shul knowing that you won't fulfill it, or a guy telling a girl after a date "I'll call you" when he has no intention of doing so.

Yes, OP, it's rude, it's misleading, it's annoying, it's a sin and it's STUPID. Rise above and feel sorry for the perpetrators.

groisamomma

Tue, Jul 02 2013, 7:08 pm

zaq wrote:

So true.