shiva call or facebook message?

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Shiva call or facebook message?

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mandksima

Mon, Jul 29 2013, 5:02 am

I have a childhood friend that lost a parent this past week. It would take a few hours to get there and back for a shiva call in the evening and I am not sure I am up for the traveling. (A long bus ride, an additional shorter bus ride, walking a bit, staying 10 min to 1 hour tops and doing the return to get back home after 10 PM and dh complaining about kids not going to sleep nicely without me.)

I have not seen this friend for about 10 years. Before that time, a few years before and really I haven't been in touch with her for twenty. I think she would be shocked to see me as we are not close but there are only a few of us from the same class that are living in Israel. I feel funny making a shiva phone call maybe because I just find that even more awkward than the standard awkwardness of a shiva visit. I already sent a facebook message with my condolences and my question is - is that enough? Is a phone call also necessary if I can't make it over there?

I figure the facebook message is like a condolence card in the mail which is probably all that is expected as we are aquaintences at this point and not really friends anymore. I get really socially awkward in these situations and I actually preferred to see her in person after all of this time and if there are others there too that would make it easier to break the awkwardness but I think it just won't happen as this is the last day of shiva.

DrMom

Mon, Jul 29 2013, 5:07 am

If you can't mke it (a few hours drive is a major time investment) then what about a phone call?

You don't know if she'll check FB while sitting shiva, but someone can always hand her the phone.

mandksima

Mon, Jul 29 2013, 5:20 am

My question was if a phone call was necessary at all since we are not close and the only communication we have had the past 10 years was facebook posts. What do you think?

happyone

Mon, Jul 29 2013, 7:46 am

pick up the phone and call or visit.

Liba

Mon, Jul 29 2013, 7:50 am

Visit, call or send a card. Facebook is not a substitute for any of the above.

chani8

Mon, Jul 29 2013, 8:06 am

I think you did enough. You are not that close to her. To me, near strangers showing up would be uncomfortable. Did you even know her parent at all? I think you handled this perfectly fine.

smilethere

Mon, Jul 29 2013, 8:47 am

Write a letter, even in a week or two. She will appreciate it, and it will be more concrete than facebook.

chocolate chips

Mon, Jul 29 2013, 9:40 am

Facebook is not so formal and in this case, even though it is great to send a quick "so sorry to hear", however not-close you are, I still think its nice to do something one step more.

Since you say it would be strange to make a phone call or visit I think a nice card is perfect. Send it out at the end of the week with a small note saying how sorry you are etc. (even if its basically a repeat of facebook message). Its more concrete and sincere.

mandksima

Mon, Jul 29 2013, 9:59 am

Thanks for the responses. Maybe I will also send a short note as I don't want to feel any guilt over the cop out. It feels weird to write a letter (I don't remember the last time I did that) but maybe in it I can apologize for not being able to get out there during the shiva in a nice way. My parents were close to her father as they live in the same area but she is just an old classmate from over 20 years ago. My mother will be pleased that I sent a note. I agree with Chani8 that I would feel funny with a visit from someone I hardly know anymore.

zaq

Mon, Jul 29 2013, 11:52 am

Please don't do FB. So-called social media sites are inappropriate for certain highly personal functions, and this is one of them. Either make a phone call or send a card.

vintagebknyc

Mon, Jul 29 2013, 11:59 am

call and/or card.

I used to be terrible at sending the cards, and then when my dad died I can't even tell you how much I appreciated the cards. even when people called/came as well. I've saved them, they're really important!

Liba

Mon, Jul 29 2013, 12:01 pm

I have all of the cards from when my father was niftar as well. They still mean a lot to me 22 years later.

watergirl

Mon, Jul 29 2013, 6:39 pm

When my mother passed away this year, I got a lot of facebook pms. I appreciated them, since I really didn't want to come to the phone. I could read them or not, reply or not...

amother

Mon, Jul 29 2013, 7:19 pm

is facebook really that inappropriate?
I used it once for condolence of someone I'm friendly but not close with and too far away to travel in person to. Also not close enough to phone. I'd think that something was better then nothing.
it's a form of communication, so why not?

bfg

Mon, Jul 29 2013, 8:17 pm

I appreciated e-mails and every yahrzeit get comfort by rereading them.
A private facebook message is fine if you usually communicate this way, though I found e-mails more accessible.

groisamomma

Mon, Jul 29 2013, 10:09 pm

I'm not a fan of facebook myself, but I have been around this block with shiva calls to people I barely keep in touch with. If facebook is the way you usually communicate, then a PM (or whatever it's called on FB) is more personal which is the one step more you took for the occasion. I think it's fine.

devo1982

Tue, Jul 30 2013, 12:03 am

While FB might be your primary mode of contact with this friend, I don't think it's at all appropriate for something as weighty as a shiva call, even a virtual one. An email would be a slightly more personal way of doing it, and I've done so in the past for more distant friends, but the traditionalist in me says a handwritten letter is best. It doesn't have to be elaborate, but is more formal and appropriate to the occasion. Just a short note saying you are sorry to hear of her loss, you are thinking of her, and you wish you had been able to come to the shiva in person should suffice.

greenfire

Thu, Aug 01 2013, 6:25 pm

do whatever feels right to you ... call/facebook/letter

just don't be pretentious or make empty promises & nobody wants to hear elongated excuses as to why you couldn't travel however far ...

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