Shoes and briefcase help for girls. In Lakewood

21young

Mon, Aug 12 2013, 1:15 pm

Seriously, ladies? You're shocked that clothes matter to 10 year old girls? Which planet did you grow up on?
Unless you live OOT I highly doubt you will find 10yo girls anywhere who don't care.
OP, it sounds like you're in denial. You say that your daughter is happy, but you also say that she has social issues. A kid with social issues is not perfectly happy, and believe me, the school has better things to do than invent issues. As others said, think of it as therapy, just accept that in order for your daughter to work her way into the circle you will have to spend more to help her fit in.
A kipling is a good idea; accepted by everyone. Here are some other cool briefcases that may be cheaper:
http://shop.herschelsupply.com.....-grey
http://shop.herschelsupply.com.....-grey

I will also endorse A Shoe Dream - a nicer guy you won't find. He will do everything he can to find your daughter cool shoes that fit.
Think of it this way: my child is hearing impaired. I go out of my way to make sure he is always dressed to the nines because inevitably it affects the way he is viewed by everyone from his peers to his doctors. It has been proven to me time and time again that the cute clothes help people see past the hearing aids to the cute little boy. The first step to your daughter's acceptance is helping kids see past their preconceived notions of her with cooler clothes.

Chayalle

Mon, Aug 12 2013, 1:34 pm

21young wrote:

Believe it or not, there are different types of kids out there.

For example - I have a relative whose DD is a really brilliant young lady, but could care less about "things". She could care less about designer labels, etc....it just wasn't where her interests lay. Every Chanuka, her grandmother would buy her a new type of handbag - usually coach - so that in her teens she had a collection of these in her closet, all brand-new and totally useless to her.

And yes - it was harder for her socially because she wasn't "on the same planet" as most kids her age.

There are those who believe that kids that are "different" must be taught to conform. I don't really think you can force a kid to like and want what other kids her age like and want....and adding little accessories to them will not necessarily garner them more friends. Teaching them to be confident and happy, and to key in on what they have to offer as friends and how to be a friend, will help them much more.

If the OP's daughter is happy with simpler accessories, it's not necessarily good for her to "feed" her superficial items and teach her that these are the path to friendship.

Yes to looking normal, clean, well-groomed, matched, put-together, even cute....but IMVHO that's as far as it goes. It's not the designer label that is absolutely necessary here.

A word about designer-looking kids who look oh-so-cute and get all the attention: Do statistics show that they make happier, more successful adults?

groisamomma

Mon, Aug 12 2013, 2:05 pm

amother wrote:

that is the point of my post- to try to find out what the girls are wearing bec. I don't feel comfortable asking the other mothers.
She does look clean and neat- except her hair is super curly so it's hard to look so sleek like the other girl's pony tails.
Thanks greenfire, but I can't spend 45 dollars on a breifcase- 20 or 25 is prob the max I can spend, pref less if possible.
The venetti shoes are all too narrow on her- she has really wide feet. I took her to so many places, but we always have to go w/ stride rite shoes, which are considered nebby in her school, apparently.

I thought of posting anon, but decided against it. Everything I'm writing will be bashed for being too superficial but I think it's important for you to read and I don't want you to out yourself to PM me.

My heart goes out to you. While it is definitely painful to hear that from the principal I am happy for your dd that you are taking the advice to heart. My girls are in Bais Rochel in Lakewood (not sure it's that school, but I imagine it's somewhat similar since the rules are basically the same). I am in dd's school a lot and I look around to see what the girls are wearing so dd can fit it (when it fits our budget, that is:).

My oldest dd has the widest feet, too, and fitting her is murder. One year I found wide Primigi black loafers in Petit Feet. She wore them for one year and hated every minute of it. Everyone else in the school wears Venettini. So...against my better judgement I now buy her Venettini shoes. I shop during sale time and I buy her 2 pairs so she can switch off during the year. Both end up lasting until January and we are right back to sale time and more shoes.

The girls wear HUGE bows and/or headbands with huge bows to school. Dd's uniform is a navy jumper, so almost every color goes, and I noticed this past year a lot of girls wore burgundy, khaki, and mustard colored bows and headbands. These are expensive, but I buy them at Accents when she has them on sale for half price.

If your dd has tight curls, put in a little gel to give it a wet look and keep it from looking frizzy. Buy her the huge headbands--it will look adorable at shoulder length. If you want it in a ponytail, put in a huge bow. I second what a previous poster said about hair being neat making all the difference.

I asked my dds about briefcases and one said only 1 kid in her class had the Kipling this year and the other dd said 5 girls had it. So that won't make it or break it for your dd. I can't afford the Kiplings, so my girls are getting the imitation Juicy ones. Center-of-Town is getting in imitation Juicy briefcases this year for around 20-25 dollars. They are due to arrive on August 20th or so. I am waiting for those for my girls.

If you want to go all out for your dd, maybe buy her the necklace I saw in Hosiery Plus that a lot of the bigger girls were wearing this year. It's a black necklace with a plastic circle hanging in the front--it comes in all colors.

Make sure her tights are always dark-not washed out. I buy the lycra School Collection and I have to replace them often, but they look better than the washed-out cotton ones. Whichever tights she wears make sure they are not big or baggy with wrinkles around the ankles-that doesn't help the look.

Buy her a Chinese jump rope and teach her how to play. The girls play it during recess in groups of three and it will make them want to play with her if she has one.

Dd's school also writes only plain supplies on their list, but the trendy girls will always bring in fancy stuff and make everyone else jealous anyway. Put your principles aside and do it for your dd this once. Wal-mart has Hello Kitty folders for a dollar this year, and you can buy all sorts of Hello Kitty pencils and erasers and a Hello Kitty supplies box in Center-of-Town. Buy the designed composition notebooks for her.

Not sure this is age-appropriate, but anything that will make the other girls want to be friends with her will help. A big package of colored markers with LOTS of colors will make them want to share with her, crayons that have 92 colors instead of 24 will also do it.

We are not trendy by anyone's standards, we do not have extra money, and my dds always wear hand-me-downs. But fitting in at school is important to them and even though the principle of the fact is that it does not make happier kids, it may very well make a big difference to your dd's social life. It's sad, and the world is a sorry place, but it's a fact. BTW, it's easy for people with happy, well-adjusted kids to give advice about internals being important, but right now you need to do what your dd needs.

groisamomma

Mon, Aug 12 2013, 2:31 pm

greenfire wrote:

mommyla wrote:

greenfire wrote:

can someone post a picture of this 'atlanta' shoe ... I'm too curious

http://www.atlantamocassin.com/site/

Nothing special about them. They're regular loafers that happen to cost over $100. Even if they did fit my son, I wouldn't buy them.

are they allowed to wear those bright colours to school ?

seems like a trend - everybody has to do it ... really they make no sense

No, they can't wear the brightly colored ones to school. They buy the same style shoe in blue, black, tan, or gray. Unless your dd is the victim here, it really won't make sense. Regular kids have the choice to do what everyone else does or to carve out their own niche for themselves. OP's dd is not one of them so B"H she has the sense of mind to do it for her daughter, even if it goes against her priniciples. It's important for her dd to fit in right now. Hopefully when she gets older and the girls accept her as a friend she won't have to do it.

amother

Mon, Aug 12 2013, 3:59 pm

op here: First of all Chayalle was the one who hit it totally on the mark.
Secondly, venetti, primigi etc just do not fit her, no matter how hard I try, so nothing doing.
Thirdly, I got her hello kitty stuff last year, and yes, the principal was laughing at my daughter for having hello kitty in 4th grade! Rolling Eyes

Yet this same woman can preach to the mothers not to waste our kids' time by reading them curious george, but rather to talk to our kids about olam habah- even our preschoolers..... so this is not about my daughter, this is about what the school wants.
My daughter is perfectly happy only having one or two good friends, and because she has a huge heart, she is really nice to everyone and sees most kids as her friends. There are girls in her class who have physically and emotionally bullied her, which the school claims they are dealing w/ but really nothing has changed.
I want to buy her a few nicer things like shoes and backpack so she won't stick out totally, but I am giving her thereapy so she has the confidence to be herself.

Chayalle

Mon, Aug 12 2013, 4:03 pm

Groissa I was also guessing BR or similar in terms of the school discussed here. And I always think the best advice comes from those in the situation than those on the outside. You have really gone into detail here, and I can imagine the OP will likely find this helpful.

I gotta say, I chuckled at the differences from school to school....I bought a hello kitty folder for my Primary DD (5).....in my kids' school, it would be considered babyish by 5th grade. My 12 year old DD did go for a cute folder with puppies on it, and I indulged her for $1.

Last year I saw lots of kids with imitation Kiplings - they had these black or navy backpacks with similar styling. I'm sure they were as good for 1/2 the price. No idea where they are from.

lkwdmommy, the OP says her DD is happy, but socially awkward. Some are quick to jump on her that her DD cannot possibly be happy if she doesn't have cool stuff, and that she must be in denial....... I choose to believe that it's possible she is happy, and building on her strengths and giving her real skills would benefit immensely. I'm a big believer on building a child from within ......but of course basic external norms are important - that goes without saying but I stated it anyway....and groissa did a much better job on the details of what that might mean, than I ever could.

I've seen people who shower their kids with external "frills"...and undoubtedly everyone will say that those kids are the absolute cutest. They garner tons of attention and make a statement with their looks and accessories. They are the darlings of their young societies.......And then never grow out of it either. I have not seen that it makes them into healthier adults.

Balance is the key here.....

Chayalle

Mon, Aug 12 2013, 4:08 pm

amother wrote:

You sound like a great mother. You know what counts. Not everyone needs to be class queen....teach her to value herself for her positive qualities.

May you see lots of Nachas from her.

groisamomma

Mon, Aug 12 2013, 4:12 pm

Chayalle wrote:

My oldest is in 2nd grade and Hello Kitty is still popular, so maybe I'm off target with that. OP, you know your kid best, so disregard anything I wrote that would not make sense for your dd.

Chayalle, OPs kid may go to Tiferes Chaya...they are very similar and I know both principals very well. I find it hard to believe BR's principal would say the things she said about Curious George and other comments, but I wasn't there so I don't know. I was in school with the other principal and I could see her saying it though she was never quite the trendy girl either Wink

.

I think the imitation Kiplings are the Legacy knapsacks and they sold last year for around 20 dollars. They had them in Center of Town and some people added the monkey for 10 dollars from Amazon or something. I haven't seen so many in BR but a lot of TC kids had them last year.

groisamomma

Mon, Aug 12 2013, 4:17 pm

amother wrote:

Not many kids form more than one or two solid friendships by the end of 4th grade. You (and the school) may not like to hear this, but there are anti-bullying laws in New Jersey and before you laugh and say the school will laugh at you I did mention it to my son's menahel when he was bullied and things changed quickly after that. It might be worth a shot if you can prove the school is doing nothing to improve your dd's situation.

You sound miserable in that school anyway. Would you consider a switch for her?

amother

Mon, Aug 12 2013, 5:44 pm

I have been watching this thread very closely. I'm in a different position of this situation, and really trying to do what is best for my daughter.

My daughter is entering Primary in September, and has many social issues already. She is getting a tremendous amount of support that will continue as she is in school. She is socially awkward, and can say strange things that are off topic and does not really have a good handle on how to "fit in". Although she has come such a long way, I'm still concerned that she will stick out like a sore thumb in a class that is mostly siblings.

Several of my friends suggested that we get the "right" shoes, bows, tights, briefcase, you name it. I really don't believe in these things and I dream of teaching my kids to be the same way. However, the other part of me is saying - "She's already going to stick out, does she also have to be the only one with out x,y & z?".

She has been wearing sneakers all her life, as they support her low-tone feet and flat arches best. Okay, not only are we going to have to break the bank for fancy shoes, they won't be giving her as good of a support as she needs.

I bought the tights and the bows so hopefully that will work out. I found an adorable (my standards) pink with brown plaid briefcase on sale at Walgreens for $2.99 - is that really so bad? I cannot fathom spending $70 on a briefcase!!! If necessary, I will have to spend the $25 at packs unlimited.

I'm doing this because she is not going to notice what everyone else has, but since she is entering a class of siblings, they will all have the right "stuff" since their older sisters all have it. They will also notice who has the "stuff" and who doesn't.

Do you think that if I provide her with all this "stuff" for the first few years of school, at some point I will still be able to teach her that all this is really narishkeit? I really want her to have the right priorities in life, and believe in teaching these things young. However, I don't want her to be an outcast from day one.

Would love some input, without bashing please.