When children (young teens) demand being equals.........

Imaonwheels

Sat, Mar 10 2007, 4:47 pm

By me freedoms are earned by showing responsibility. My responsibility is displayed by caring for them and the home and worrying about their welfare.

The child knows he should not be an equal and it is all talk. Teens, esp young teens, actually want limits and they want parent not to be wishy-washy. A child of this age can have an explanation on condition that it is not negotiation or trying to just wear you down. Set the rules down as early as possible and don't withhold what you don't have to stam.

In issues such as computer time you have to between you and yourself look at the situation objectively. If you are using the computer for work and the kid just wants to play or surf then of course it is totally sensible to limit the child's time. If you make your limit with the best for your child in mind.

If you are posting, shopping, or other adult rec for hours you have the right to limit the child but you are a hypocrite and the child will know it. It is like sitting at the table with a bag of cookies and an ice cream sundae and telling your kid to eat his carrots.

Bottom line is be consistant and just. Yes, you are the parent but do not be an arbitrary despot. In his heart your child will thank you even if his yetzer hara tries to push your buttons.

Also. when you talk to your child and tell them to do something don't phrase it as a request unless it is. Don't say, "How about cleaning your room" if no isn't an option. If you are telling the child tell him, don't ask.

happymom

Sat, Mar 10 2007, 6:27 pm

you tell them that you are the MOTHER and they are the KIDS, and they dont tell the parents what to do and how to do it and when they are parents they can decide the rules in thier homes but as long as u are the parent, YOU make the rules whether they like it or not. (hopefully they are fair, normal rules but either way you are the parent, not them!)

shalhevet

Sat, Mar 10 2007, 11:50 pm

amother wrote:

GR wrote:

Is your house a democracy?

The kids would like it to be.

A Jewish home is not (or should not be) a democracy. There are a king and queen and their subjects.

And that's what your kids need to know, that there are no equal rights. In fact, everything they get they should thank their parents for because they don't have the "right" to anything. (According to halacha a father only has to provide for his children eg food, clothing etc up until 6 years old! I'm not recommending this as something to do Wink

, but it might not do any harm for some kids to know that. Tongue Out

)

Imaonwheels

Tue, Mar 13 2007, 12:55 am

Tefila wrote:

imaonwheels great advice, but tell me have you personally followed it all. Wink

I definitely try, I have made mistakes. Some of it I learned the hard way by doing the opposite. I usually mention what worked for me. In general I follow it. I have a prob in that I am not the only parent and dh has a different hashkafa.

Crying and negotiation don't work w/me but I am somewhat thick skinned on this. I do try to stay calm. It is so hard because teenagers are even better than husbands at pushing your buttons.

I learned a great thing davka from one of my kids when I flew off the handle. He just looked at me smiling and said, "Come on Ima, scream some more. Yeah, get it all out. Do you feel better yet? I'll wait" So help me if he wasn't 1.98 m I may have been over hitting a kid over BM. But I learned something important. When you stay calm you always have the upper hand.

I find the 13-15 age more difficult than 16 and up. The younger ones are hormone crazy and not mature enough to think it out.

Imaonwheels

Tue, Mar 13 2007, 1:15 am

The home should not be a democracy or a tyranny. The children are not subjects, they are princes and princesses. Judaism is much more about responsibility than rights for everyone. No one has more responsibility than those at the top - the buck stops by us. I do not give anything to my kids because "magia" I give because it is good for them. The word fair is passul in most cases in our house. Fair is that each child gets what they need to the best of our ability and understanding.

ChavieK

Tue, Mar 13 2007, 8:27 am

Imaonwheels, I know what you mean. My kids have also pointed out inconsistincies.If they don't do it in a chutzpahdik way(really hard for those ages) we will listen to them. WHen they're right , they're right.They will learn that noone is perfect , not their parents & not themselves, & how to handle making a mistake & fixing it.