Who is more of a priority - husb. or children?

Motek

Thu, Mar 23 2006, 9:20 pm

micki wrote:

and as to who is your first responsibility ... I feel that a mothers (and fathers) FIRST priority is the children. the hubby (spouse)a close second.
the reason is that hubby is yes roll your eyes here, but hubby is an adult!
he can take care of himself, he has hands and can feed himself too!
whereas a baby is solely dependant on the parents, they cannot fend for themselves.
if I have a cranky hubby and baby, I feed the baby and tell hubby to feed himself! what a novel thought!

morningstar

Thu, Mar 23 2006, 10:58 pm

To take a somewhat different perspective: you serve your children best by putting your husband first. In the long run, this is the best gift. It provides children with great security to know that their parents put each other first. It also creates a strong positive model for the child's own marriage. Finally, knowing her parents are happily married gives the children the freedom to grow up. It can be very difficult for a child to go off and have a life of her own when she feels that she is the center of your life and the sole source of your happiness/meaning in life.

I once hear an interesting story about a shlucha who had to send young children away to school and wanted to move away to be with them, only coming home when they had school vacations. The Rebbe told her to stay home and let the children go away on their own: that her first place was with her husband.

youngmom

Thu, Mar 23 2006, 10:58 pm

Quote:

Husband's can be replaced - children can't.

I'm not sure if you were serious here... but if you were, then I disagree. True, children can't be replaced but I think I would say that about my husband too.

As to the amother who started this thread.... I'm not sure what I would say the answer is, it's a tough one. All I ask is that hopefully I'm not put into a situation where I'm tested with this.

LubavitchLeah

Thu, Mar 23 2006, 11:39 pm

I love both my husband and children. Both my husband and myself find this a very difficult question to even answer because these relationships are both entirely different. We both agree though that our childrens needs , their emotional and physical come before our own. Yes we do need to be emotionaly grounded to be pillars and glue our family together but never at the cost of our kids. So do I put my husbands emotional needs above my kids, if it Chas Vashalom ever came down to it. NO!
I also would expect him to put our children's first. It is not as if our kids are married and emotionaly independent yet, I"YH. If , please G-d and when that time shall occur, then both my hubby and I would place ours in the forefront, depending on the situation.

happyone

Fri, Mar 24 2006, 10:06 am

[quote="Motek"]re business trip with husband or H.S. grad - not easy to decide

since nobody brought it up yet, I'll present a different perspective
one can say like this:

a child graduates just one time from high school, if you miss it, there will never be another opportunity to attend their high school graduation
forever after it will be - you missed your child's high school graduation

husband will make other trips, there will be other opportunities to spend time with him[/quote]

I agree with Motek.

imasenior

Fri, Mar 24 2006, 12:27 pm

Quote:

This is so well put!!!!
I also heard the story Miriam is refering to, I actually heard it in a lecture in LA, given by Rebbetzin Jacobowich (wife of cheif Rabbi of England) and she told the story about herself and her husband who had to travel, and she, as his wife, felt that it was her duty to him first!!!! She explained in length how importent it is to put husband first, and I can see from personal experience that once the kids are older it's like second "honeymoon" if you had cultivated it all along, and bad news if you didn't.....

chocolate moose

Fri, Mar 24 2006, 1:19 pm

What about the mother who's just plain tired?

She spends her time cooking cleaning and whatever else, and then when the husband comes home, she's too tired for him.

It's a valid point.

Even if she buys take out food and even if she has cleaning help, days are full and busy and come the night, she's just plain tuckered out.

It's not putting the husband last. And then again, it is.

happymom

Fri, Mar 24 2006, 1:37 pm

there are many ways chidren can know thier parents have a good relationship! missing a daughter graduations is not one of them that should be used to show that! That girl must have been so upset! Sad

BOTh my parents came to my graduation... JUST because YES out husbands matter so much and do come first, doesnt mean we should make our kids suffer because of it. that is not good!

sheshycoco

Fri, Mar 24 2006, 1:54 pm

I agree totally with sarag, I dunno how you guys are, but so many times, my husband comes home from work just while I am putting my son to sleep, and I am so exhausted I can't make him dinner, or I go to sleep at 8/9. It isn't every night, but it's not often enough that we spend time together just talking, never mind dating, I can't imagine with a big family. And then there's always dressing well for your husband, I don't always wear makeup, he doesn't say it bothers him, but maybe it does, I know if I do, my son will miss out, as my husband just comes home whilst I am putting him to bed most times. I know he is happy for these small things to put our child first, but is it wrong to be doing this? Aren't we all human and can't put everybody important to us in the same place of our attention and needs!

stem

Fri, Mar 24 2006, 2:30 pm

I've been following this thread for a while now and here are my 2 cents:
When you say who has priority, I don't think it means "if your husband is hungry and your baby is, who would you feed first..." Obviously, your husband is more mature than an infant and can wait for the baby to finish or get something himself. Likewise, if a 5 year old is thirsty and the baby needs a diaper change at the same time, you can explain to the 5 year old that the diaper needs to be changed, and hopefully he's mature enought to wait a few minutes to get what he wants. OTOH, the baby might be fine if you hold him for 30 seconds while you pour the 5 year old a drink first. So what I'm trying to say is, the fact that you take care of one or the other in any specific circumstance doesn't mean you love them more or think they're more important.

On the question of who has priority, it's the husband. He's the most important person in the world, more than the queen of england, more than the president, and yes, more important than your children. That doesn't mean they should be neglected, so he could get waited on hand and foot, it just means that he comes first in your life. If your husband and kids both want to talk to you at once (not anything urgent) who would you turn to first? If you got $100 bonus, will you buy the kids another toy or that thing your husband he always wanted but couldn't afford? If you have a choice of cooking your kids favorite meal or your hubby's which would you choose?

Editted to add: In a situation like the graduation, I would leave it up to the husband to decide. If it means so much to him that she should go along, then that's what she should do. He very well might tell his wife that their daughter should get priority this time since it's her once-in-a-lifetime graduation.

Last edited by stem on Fri, Mar 24 2006, 2:35 pm; edited 2 times in total

youngmom

Fri, Mar 24 2006, 2:34 pm

Quote:

When you say who has priority, I don't think it means "if your husband is hungry and your baby is, who would you feed first..." Obviously, your husband is more mature than an infant and can wait for the baby to finish or get something himself. Likewise, if a 5 year old is thirsty and the baby needs a diaper change at the same time, you can explain to the 5 year old that the diaper needs to be changed, and hopefully he's mature enought to wait a few minutes to get what he wants. OTOH, the baby might be fine if you hold him for 30 seconds while you pour the 5 year old a drink first. So what I'm trying to say is, the fact that you take care of one or the other in any specific circumstance doesn't mean you love them more or think they're more important.

Exactly what I was thinking!

imasenior

Sun, Mar 26 2006, 12:06 am

I just wanted to say that the way I see it, is not so much emphasis on the physical needs, as you all said, of course the children takes up 80% of your time and energy, but priority is more on the emotional needs.
When everyone is doing something Shabbos afternoon, do you focus on reading a story to your child, or do you have a conversation with your husband?
If you are all in the car together, do you talk to the kids, or about the kids needs, or also some topics as two mature ppl?

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Mar 26 2006, 8:27 am

Quote:

Husband's can be replaced - children can't. Twisted Evil

um........I hope not to replace my husband....ever....

Quote:

by the same token, children are your blood relatives while your husband is just related to you by marriage

that is true but 1. you chose your husband and 2. you, together with your husband conceived, hopefully out of a lot of love, those wonderful children that you have now. they are from both of your bloods, yours and your husbands.

I will never forget something my father in law told me maybe a week after his son and I were married. me, hubby, fil and mil were going somewhere and mil said something that sort og got on fil nerves (righfully so) and when we got out of the car he said to me "my father tught me that your spouse ALWAYS comes first, no matter what b/c they came before the children did". I thought that that was very wise! and also b/c the children come from both parents