Hate feeling pressured to do the 'right' thing...

amother

Sun, Jan 19 2014, 2:22 am

I was having a really hectic shabbos. Loads of guests etc. when I heard that a neighbor had a baby. I quickly had to scramble something together to send in to her shalom zachor, because how can I not???
On the whole this is a big issue for me. I hate having to do the yearly Rosh Hashana phone calls, hate having to call aunts and uncles whom I never see or spk to and show no interest in me. Hate having to visit overseas family members when visiting for just a couple of days, Hate having to send in suppers for ppl. after birth when I'm pregnant and neuseous, Basically I hate having to fulfill everyone elses expectations of me, when I have no expectations of anyone else. Especially if it comes at the expense of my dh, kids or even my own sanity.
Is it wrong for me to just do my own thing and fulfill societys expectations when convenient.....

Mitzvahmom

Sun, Jan 19 2014, 2:46 am

I feel the same way.

This year my father sent gift cards for the kids, it was to a store that is over an hour drive to get to.

Honestly, I was doing crazy hours at work. Because as a Jewish Nurse, we are given all the hours around the non jewish holidays (thanksgiving, xmas, new years). I kept getting asked to pick up other's on call, or hours so that they could be with their families. I figured, ok Pesach is coming so it's fine no big deal!

I called to wish my father happy birthday, and I was met with. "you never wrote thank you cards for the gift carts, nor did the kids call to say thank you." I said I am so sorry, I will try within the next couple of days to get the kids to call or write. Then of course life happened, I managed to get one grandchild to call.

I feel awful, but my father rarely does anything for us. We once were in Florida, and offered to visit and he was like, "I do not feel up for it." We live in california, he had not seen his grandchildren in years. He showed NO interest, my kids were hurt. We have the same thing with when we visit family over seas, they expect because we rent a car that we will run errands and because we are on vacation. We will cook the food and help with cleaning etc. I do not mind helping with cleaning, but sometimes it makes me feel like I am not on vacation. Like I am leaving home with chaos to take care of someone else home. Your not alone with dealing with pressure to do the right thing. Lately I have learned to say NO, and get labeled as the bad person. But I work hard and deserve to give back to my family before others, meaning my kids and husband they are my number 1. I am done with the other stuff, if it happens GREAT, but I am not putting myself out anymore. Not worth the stress. *hugs* your not alone

amother

Sun, Jan 19 2014, 3:24 am

I also have been dealing with this issue. On the whole, I try to do the 'right' thing when possible, but my family is very complicated and have a lot of expectations. I'm still expected to visit and phone an uncle who behaved very inappropriately with me when I was a teen and need to phone an aunt whi is not on speaking terms with my father... On the whole I find that if it comes at the expense of my dh or children I'll leave it, but if it really means a lot to the other person and is manageable I'll put in the effort.
Good Luck to you. There's a fine line between doing the 'right' thing and going overboard to meet everyone elses expetations

ora_43

Sun, Jan 19 2014, 8:22 am

amother wrote:

Is it wrong for me to just do my own thing and fulfill societys expectations when convenient.....

From your examples, it sounds like your question is more, "is it wrong not to wear myself into the ground trying to fulfill every request." And the answer to that is a definite "no."

I do think it would be wrong to only help people when it's convenient. A bit of inconvenience for the sake of chessed, or family peace, is usually a good investment.

But if you're talking about something like not cooking for a woman who's (possibly) feeling weak after birth, when you yourself are feeling sick due to pregnancy - please don't feel even the slightest bit guilty.

In general I think a good rule of thumb is to weigh how much it will inconvenience you against how much it will help the other person. If you're hurting yourself more than you're helping them, it's not worthwhile.

Anyone who would judge you for not coming up with delicious prepared food at the last minute on a Friday (or for saying "no" to the occasional request for a meal, etc) is worth ignoring.

shalhevet

Sun, Jan 19 2014, 11:00 am

Mitzvahmom wrote:

We have the same thing with when we visit family over seas, they expect because we rent a car that we will run errands and because we are on vacation. We will cook the food and help with cleaning etc. I do not mind helping with cleaning, but sometimes it makes me feel like I am not on vacation. Like I am leaving home with chaos to take care of someone else home. Your not alone with dealing with pressure to do the right thing. Lately I have learned to say NO, and get labeled as the bad person. But I work hard and deserve to give back to my family before others, meaning my kids and husband they are my number 1. I am done with the other stuff, if it happens GREAT, but I am not putting myself out anymore. Not worth the stress. *hugs* your not alone

This is a bit OT, but I had to reply. Also, I don't know what set up you are talking about. Maybe you are staying at a nearby hotel and come to your relatives for lunch and are asked to help mop the floor - in which case I hear you.
But it sounds more like you are staying at these relatives - staying at their home for a week or two, dirtying their floors, and eating the food they shopped for and cooked. So you think they should work for you and you should be on vacation? What about them? They aren't on vacation either! I think it's the least someone can do if they are a long-term (more than a day or two) guest at someone who is kind enough to host them, to lend a hand.

We have had several threads in the Israel section about relatives and friends who just assume they can come to stay for a few days or a few weeks, cost the hosting family money they don't have, and take for granted that their hosts will work for them and entertain them. Not nice.

(BTW, this has nothing to do with the OP who has every right to say no to things she has no obligation to do.)

amother

Sun, Jan 19 2014, 11:11 am

obviously if you aren't feeling well, you shouldn't feel obligated to cook another family their supper, you can say with confidence that it wont work out for me bla bla bla.
but I totally understand you on the whole - you feel obligated to do things that are expected to do. I believe that as you get older, you realize a lot of people end up doing what works for them without any qualm about it.
but I also realize to do chesed never comes at the right time. if you have in mind that you are doing this for a chesed, things have a way of working out. but of course if you are totally over whelmed with kids, house work etc, just explain that right now you are over whelmed & people will respect that.

Mitzvahmom

Sun, Jan 19 2014, 1:58 pm

shalhevet wrote:

um no! They expect me to do everything for them, I expect NOTHING of them. They want us to do everything for them, shopping, cooking and cleaning. Example we do not stay by them to not inconvienence them, but then they expect that they can come and stay by us in the place we are paying for for our vacation with our kids. Expect us to make food from scratch, when we are on vacation. One time we decided to go to a kibbutz for shabbos, and this family guilted us into going back to our rental place so they could have us make shabbos for them.

I do not mind doing it once, but for our entire vacation to be running after them? It's not a vacation then! Thanks for assuming the worst of me.