WWYD - found note my son wrote to his principal about parent

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 5:41 pm

My son, the oldest is a very driven bright kid. A leader. Charismatic.

For us parents he is three handfuls. He pushes us to the end. He always needs more. He only sees himself and is very selfish.

Anyway we made our fair share of mistakes as he was growing up. He is eleven now. Mature and smart. I killl myself to provide for him.

I spend time with him when I can talk to him exchange notes.

For him its not enough though. He always wants me to play games with him sit by his bed and sing take him out etc. If I give treats he needs two. etc.

My husband had a very abusive and neglected upbringing so he is not emotionally available for the kids nor does he always learn with them even if I prod and remind.

And now I find this note addressed to his principal saying how he needs to talk to him because his parents are not available for him and that we are too busy to tend to him etc.

To say I am hurt and shocked is an understatement.

I was putting away his laundry and this folded note marked 'please don't show anyone' peered out at me. I put it back because I don't want him not to trust us anymore but I'm devastated and lost as to how to proceed.

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 5:51 pm

I dont think so

He is very private and into his stuff. He has 2 drawers and a private shelf. More private space than any of other kids.

He didnt go to cheder today
I found this note freshly written last night .
He woke up late and decided that he deserves a vacation because he didnt stay home for not feeling well all winter. He does very well in school academically. Socially he can get mad at kids etc.

We agreed to keep him home because we simply were under the pressure from him giving this note and we wanted to see if he will talk.

greenfire

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 5:54 pm

consider it a wake-up call ... that he feels something important is lacking - & since they are his feelings they are very very real to him ... regardless of how much you do for him & regardless of how painful as a mother it is to hear ...

he's still a searching child

obviously you never want him to find out that you read his private note ... but I imagine once he passes this to the principal - the principal in turn will speak to you & thereby giving you a chance to address his needs in the nurturing way every parent hopes to do [waiting it out might be rough - nonetheless be patient]

I'm sure therapy & learning to communicate & learning that not everything is about him is a good start

eventually & hopefully the goal will be for him to be less self-absorbed & change the 'me me me' to 'we we we'

good luck !!! Hug

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 5:58 pm

I'm sorry you are hurting. I know it's hard to parent already, and with a child who is extra-needy it's all the more challenging already.

What would be so bad if he gave the note to the principal and they talked? Don't assume you will be painted as a monster in the principal's mind. Perhaps he can be an ally. Perhaps he can help your son understand that he is one of many children, that mommy and tatty work and are busy and do their best by him, etc. Perhaps the principal after talking with him can determine if some therapy/ counseling might be helpful for him, or make other suggestions with how to keep your son occupied and happy without breaking you.

ectomorph

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 6:30 pm

I'd be worried about your son's manipulative behavior.

He sounds ungrateful. I don't know anything else, but the fact he's reporting on you to the principal? He's bright and articulate, and should be talking to you.

He should definitely be in therapy. The therapist would have a clearer picture of what is really going on.

Also, having dealt with brilliant kids, therapy is often helpful not to "fix" the kid but to provide a safe space. My therapist helped me see that my parents were human and doing the best they could. I didn't really "need" therapy but it was the best decision my parents made. Make sure you feel comfortable with the therapist.

Onisa

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 6:40 pm

Can it be that he is a little bit smart drama queen? He plays his own play where he writes letters and ect. I dont mean there is no problem. It is just like I ( when I was 6) was really believing that in such awful world there is no place for pure soul like me and I will die after 16. Crazy.
I also think mb you need to get to know his real Needs. Mb he even himself cant formulate them well. Mb you are giving a lot just not smth he needs. Speak to him, observe him.
Dont let him push your weak side. Your mind is far away from finding right solution scince he found your weak point and now he is pushing it. He may feel it and push more.
Sometimes I thought how nice it would be to be adopted by my mothers cool friend, my friends mother, my cool teacher and ect. Because sometimes children get impression that thier teachers are cooler than parents. Doesnt have to do anything with reality. It is a phase, it will go.
Mb he likes to play a pitty party. It is a good idea to start turning this quality into sympathizing and realising that being strong and defend others is a power greater than a pitty party winner.

And finally. Mb he is just bored. I could see how tallented smart children were adopting awful ways of behaviour and doing all kinds of stupid things just because they werent enough stimullated and were angry to be full of ideas and energy and nowhere to express them and feel really achieving. A hobby, challenging havrusa, new skill or class would distract set a real challenge that I hope will help to look at the world in a new perspective.

cookiecutter

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 6:44 pm

amother wrote:

First of all, your son's judgment does not determine who you are. If you are doing a good job and he is challenging despite everything then his note doesn't change anything. There is no question that children can be completely blind to how challenging they are while being fully aware of every perceived slight and carrying it with them for decades.

That said, you seem aware that you have done poorly in the past. If that's the case, then why do you find this so surprising? It reminds me of one of the Peanuts comics that Rabbi Twerski excerpted, where Linus is convinced that he has broken his blanket habit because he has been without it for five minutes. It's wonderful that you are growing more successful and improving what seems to have been an incredibly challenging situation. But you can't expect your son to forget everything a couple weeks after it changed.

The way to proceed is thoughtfully. You have a perspective that you didn't have before, but you also were not supposed to have seen the note. That means you can think long and hard about whether your son's perception is accurate or not and no reaction is necessary at all. You can think about what the principal is likely to do and how you can use their meeting to find out more information and further improve things. Finally, if you're worried about the principal's involvement; he deals with kids all the time and likely knows that some of them are drama queens. If your kid needs help, hopefully he'll help facilitate that, but if he's just looking for some dramatic validation, the principal will hopefully be smart enough to take it for what it is.

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 6:49 pm

I agree with getting a therapist. He seems to be asking for a concerned adult by writing to his principal.

You say he is smart. He has self-diagnosed himself. He may be right. Let him have what he says he needs, which translates to a therapist.

Listen to the posts above.

He may need more to read, more to do, and jobs that really matter.

He may need a genuine job in a local business.

He may need to start a business.

Do some googling about that and PM some homeschoolers here to see what they do with kids like this. All their kids do independent things.

Don't get hurt. It's not about you.

Give him a big fat notebook and colored pens to journal in.

Do NOT let him think you read it. But, of course, read it.

Be discreet. It is necessary.

You sound like a very good mommy for this boy. Very concerned and on top of it.

DrMom

Tue, Mar 11 2014, 3:50 am

amother wrote:

I know clearly that I'm so hurt because the moment came when the truth about my life will be exposed. I don't trust the principals that they wont discuss this between themselves and I hate to be the fodder for these shmoozes.
sigh
son is in this cheder cuz thats where husband 'belongs'
I'm gonna have a triple comlex now

1. I think you should be more concerned with how your son feels than if this incident causes you some embarrassment.

2. A good school will work together with the parents if there is an issue with a child.

AlwaysThinking

Tue, Mar 11 2014, 4:13 am

I think you need to work on your own self-esteem, my dear. High needs children need more attention than most people can give. Speaking to his principal may be good for him.

I was a bit like that. Very well behaved, but very very needy. I was an only child for a long while and had plenty of attention, but still needed more. I was very close to a few teachers etc. and tried to be every teacher's 'favorite' BH I grew out the neediness after marriage (I guess I felt I was important enough to my DH that nothing else mattered, whereas my parents had each other as well as me).

It's his needs, not a reflection of you as a parent. What you do will never be enough.

The fact that you feel hurt is what concerns me... do you care about how your son feels, or about how you feel regarding your reputation as a parent? And why are you listening to your poor fragile, self-esteem so much? You sound needy too!

Children will always be selfish, parents give, and they take. That's how it is.

imasinger

Tue, Mar 11 2014, 7:32 am

someoneelse wrote:

I agree that his manipulative behavor sounds th emost worrying

Huh?

A bright kid who tends to be secretive; a father who suffered his own wounds growing up and is emotionally unavailable; a mother, who is trying to fill the role of both parents to some extent, and suffers from her own self esteem issues... how does one understand the kid's note as anything other than a cry for help?

OP, I would advise three things which other people have also advised on this thread.

1. Take time to think. Kids are by definition immature. Try to notice what signals your DS gives when he is home. Get a clearer handle on where he might have been coming from. Don't proceed until you are in a mindset where he is him and you are you, and what he says is his opinion, not some objective reality. What you say and think is also your opinion and not some objective reality. The object will be to have a meeting of the minds.

2. When you are ready to stay calm and to hear him without reacting in the moment, talk to him. Tell him that you saw the note when you were doing laundry, and were concerned. MAKE THE CONVERSATION ABOUT HIM, NOT ABOUT YOU. Your reactions to the note do not get shared, not at this stage. Pretend you are a scientist taking notes. Ask him what he would like to see you and your DH do differently. Possibly, it's something simple, and his note was just overly dramatic. Maybe it was a Purim joke. Or maybe not. Only one way to find out.

3. Look for a family therapist to sit down with all of you and help you start untangling the threads. It may take some time, even months, to develop enough trust for things to change, but if you have a good therapist and give it the time, things will likely improve in a whole lot of ways.

If you can't convimce DH to go, I would suggest therapy for yourself at a minimum, so that you can work through your own issues and gain strength to handle the rest of the family.

amother

Tue, Mar 11 2014, 9:14 am

amother wrote:

That is not a reason not to give him the attention he needs. One shouldn't have more kids than they can handle.

It's entirely possible that he is too demanding and impossible to meet his demands. I don't know. All you can do is your best. But I can speak as a child who felt that way about my mother. She would insist I demanded too much time/attention but really she just wasn't interested in giving it to me. She spent her days saving the world and mothering the orphans next door that she didn't have time for me. Plain and simple. She'd wait for them at their bus stop the same time I was waiting for mine alone. She'd wait to greet them as they got off the bus the same time I was coming home at a different bus stop, and she'd spend two hours there every night before bedtime hearing about their day while I waited for her patiently, but when she got home she was too tired and just went to bed. I tried to talk myself out of caring saying they didn't have a mother so they needed her more than me but what happened was that they got all the benefits of having a mother and not having a mother and I got neither. In her mind she spent her whole day mothering, which she was in fact doing, just not for me. So, I don't know your story and I hope you have it resolved soon, but it is entirely possible your son has a point and you're just not seeing it.