PLEASE HELP!! need an appropriate punishment for 7 year old

baker1

Mon, Mar 24 2014, 9:56 pm

OK- here goes. I really need your help in deciding what punishment to give my cute, curious 7 year old DS. I put him to bed at about 8:15 and went downstairs to shmooze on the phone and clean up. I heard him pattering around but I ignored him and only went up to check up on him at 9:00. So....I come into his room and I smell something funny- He took my stick of deo. and shmeered it all over, on the dresser and on the carpet and on the door until there was no more left!!!!!!
I was so flabbergasted I couldn't talk!! He was meanwhile hiding under his blanket cuz' he knew I would be mad...I started talking in a calm voice saying I could not believe what I saw etc... I asked him why he did it and he said -"I don't know." He is a pretty well behaved child but every so often his curiosity and troublesome nature gets a hold of him.
Meanwhile my husband came home and we both just stood in his room both saying we would have to discuss what to do. He said "just potch me" he wanted to get over with the punishment. of course we said we are not doing that now...

Now please help me!! what Punishment should I give him tomorrow?

baker1

Mon, Mar 24 2014, 10:01 pm

oliveoil wrote:

Yes, I agree. He has to clean it up.

Ok I told him I am leaving there till the morning and he has to clean it, but I don't think that it's so bad.. He'll just be like big deal. I want to teach that he needs to take responsibility for his actions, he is not 2 anymore.

bubbebia

Mon, Mar 24 2014, 10:03 pm

Exactly. He cleans up the mess and then pays for a new one. And if he doesn't have the cash, then he has to do the chores you set out for him until he pays back the equivalent of a stick of deodorant in time spent doing your bidding. Set out an amount you will "pay" per hour of service. He doesn't have to serve his "time" all at once, but you have the right to demand his "service" any time you want it.

Oh, and he goes to bed at the right time and if you hear him out of bed his service gets extended.

Lady Godiva

Mon, Mar 24 2014, 10:18 pm

Don't leave it on your dresser overnight for him to clean up. It can ruin your dresser. Unless you have him clean it up immediately, the consequence won't be felt like it's connected to what he did.

It seems that he knows he did something wrong. You say he's a pretty well-behaved child. Just talk to him about it and make sure that he understands why you're so upset. I would not punish a 7 year old for doing something like that, unless it's a repeat offense.

imasinger

Mon, Mar 24 2014, 10:24 pm

Remember that the point of discipline is education. You are shocked and angry, and need to separate out your feelings before acting.

If there is permanent damage to rug or dresser, you can decide whether to have him help pay for a replacement. For sure, cleanup and replacing the deodorant.

Also a conversation about what prompted the impulsive destruction. Was it a resentment of too early bedtime? Too much energy that needs more of an outlet before sleep? Jealousy that you were spending more time with another kid?

Once he has made amends, you might do well to address the underlying cause and remind him of more productive ways to get what he wants (how to talk about it to you). Let your reaction be truly discipline, where he knows you are on his team, and he learns from his mistakes.

MiracleMama

Mon, Mar 24 2014, 10:26 pm

I would have made him wash it off right away. It may ruin the furniture. But anyhow, let him clean it and replace the deodorant. No need for a big punishment. Only to see the consequences of his actions.
And maybe other mothers will disagree with me, I admittedly seem to be more overprotective and on top of my kids than most, but if I heard pitter patter going on upstairs, I would not have waited so long to see what's up. I think that was a mistake on your part.

acccdac

Mon, Mar 24 2014, 10:53 pm

I have learned a new thing, punishments do not need to be immediate. You need to make sure the child knows you have not forgotten and you say things like "avrami, abba and I havent forgotten, we're still trying to decide on a consequence, but try not to worry"

that last part "try not to worry" is part of Jim Fay. The idea is .....he asked you to punish him immediately because he wanted to get it over with, sometimes the waiting is enough of a punishment. They start imagining things in their minds and that worry is the consequence.

however, in this case I do agree that leaving it over night will ruin the furniture. So you talk out loud and say in a calm voice, as though you are thinking out loud without sarcasm, "The deodorant needs to be cleaned up tonight, and you need to go to sleep, so I think you should go to sleep, I'll clean up the deodorant. That means that abba and I will still have to come up with a consequence, and you will have to pay me back for my energy drain. We'll figure out how to deal with that tomorrow, you go to sleep and try not to worry"

you can google "energy drain" or youtube it. its a phrase created by Jim Fay

amother

Tue, Mar 25 2014, 12:19 am

acccdac wrote:

I have learned a new thing, punishments do not need to be immediate.

They need to be immediate. We learned in school the most effective punishments as a deterrent are those given immediately. It didn't matter what the punishment was but it must be soon.

MaBelleVie

Tue, Mar 25 2014, 12:23 am

amother wrote:

They need to be immediate. We learned in school the most effective punishments as a deterrent are those given immediately. It didn't matter what the punishment was but it must be soon.

This sounds pretty narrow minded. I think different circumstances call for different reactions. And how can you say that it doesn't matter what the punishment is?

Honestly, op, he knows that he did something wrong. That much is clear. I agree that he should clean it up, as a natural consequence to his actions. Beyond that? Overkill, IMO. I would bet money that this child wouldn't do it again.

oliveoil

Tue, Mar 25 2014, 1:23 am

amother wrote:

They need to be immediate. We learned in school the most effective punishments as a deterrent are those given immediately. It didn't matter what the punishment was but it must be soon.

Toddlers and preschoolers need immediate punishment. A typical 7-year-old doesn't.

write on

Tue, Mar 25 2014, 3:11 pm

Research shows that bigger, more severe punishments actually DO NOT increase the likelihood that the child will not misbehave next time. Five minutes in time-out, for example, is just as effective as an HOUR in time-out. If this is a first-time offense in an otherwise well-behaved child, I would have him face a natural consequence of cleaning up the mess, tell him you are very unhappy about what he did, and move right along...

Chayalle

Tue, Mar 25 2014, 3:38 pm

acccdac wrote:

I have learned a new thing, punishments do not need to be immediate. You need to make sure the child knows you have not forgotten and you say things like "avrami, abba and I havent forgotten, we're still trying to decide on a consequence, but try not to worry"

that last part "try not to worry" is part of Jim Fay. The idea is .....he asked you to punish him immediately because he wanted to get it over with, sometimes the waiting is enough of a punishment. They start imagining things in their minds and that worry is the consequence.
however, in this case I do agree that leaving it over night will ruin the furniture. So you talk out loud and say in a calm voice, as though you are thinking out loud without sarcasm, "The deodorant needs to be cleaned up tonight, and you need to go to sleep, so I think you should go to sleep, I'll clean up the deodorant. That means that abba and I will still have to come up with a consequence, and you will have to pay me back for my energy drain. We'll figure out how to deal with that tomorrow, you go to sleep and try not to worry"

you can google "energy drain" or youtube it. its a phrase created by Jim Fay

I wouldn't want my child to have that worry hanging over their head.

granolamom

Tue, Mar 25 2014, 7:04 pm

EmesOrNT wrote:

Oh gosh. I thought only my 7 year old did weird things like that. I have no idea how to punish though. Nothing has ever worked.

lol, my soon to be 7 yo does stuff like this too. like drawing on his bedsheets with a dry erase marker. or cutting open a stress-ball to see what was inside (sand), or taking a stick of wood to bed and then scraping it down to splinters with a scissor. always in bed after I've tucked him in and assumed he's asleep. he always feels terrible about it, always cleans it up and always has the same explanation 'I dont know why I did it, I was just so curious'.
I think the answer is not so much to make him pay for damages but to take away some of his unsupervised privileges, I'm just not sure how to go about it. I dont want to sit in his room until he's asleep. I did tell him I could no longer allow him to keep markers and scissors in his room until he shows me he could be responsible when left alone at night, but he always finds something else to take apart.
I'm hoping that he outgrows this soon.

baker1

Tue, Mar 25 2014, 8:14 pm

granolamom wrote:

Op here.Thanks for all the responses! Granolamom, my son sounds very similar to yours... As much as I take out of his room every so often he finds some "trouble" to do. My Dh told me he was like this as a child too, very curious with an impulsive nature too. I guess thats where he gets it from....

octopus

Tue, Mar 25 2014, 11:00 pm

another angle:

does your child have problems with personal space? He didn't take an arts and crafts supply. he must have gone into your bedroom and took your personal deodorant.does he normally go through things that do not belong to him?

amother

Wed, Mar 26 2014, 1:20 am

Read him a Curious George book; great conversation starter. Awareness is power. Many bright minds are like that, however, he needs to be told (over and again) that, unlike a monkey, he must learn self control. I agree that the punishment should not be immediate; you are a great example of self control yourself! You should have much nachas!