Is gender segregation causing girls to crush on girls?

amother

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 1:47 pm

amother wrote:

I know of one too many relationships that crossed 'the line'. I even know of a seminary that ended up giving one of their recent alumni a stafflike position (not madricha but along those lines) and she was a real predator.

I would think it comes from the changes in both secular society and our own. Our girls are getting married later (ie not 14-16, not that this is a bad thing, just fact...) and society provides a very full exposure to innuendo and s-xual ideas. In other words these girls are 'turned on' and have no outlet on the horizon.

That being said anyone who knows a girl going through this probably knows a girl who comes from an unhealthy home and a dysfunctional relationship with mom/dad.

wow!! how'd u know??

amother

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 1:53 pm

I hate posting as anonymous but I protect my dignity so here we go.

as a teenager I had my share of intense relationship. This article was very well expressed and only those in emotionally intense relationships can relate.
I found my best friend – my love of my life- when I was a senior. We understood/understand each others so well. Our heart connect in a way that it is impossible to understand unless you experience it. we hugged a lot and slept together on occasion but always fully dressed and never in a s-xy way. It was love. True and untainted love. And understanding.
It is the biggest blessing a teenager can have and the biggest curse or milder said challenge.
My friend married first – she struggled to attach to her dh to detach from me. we kept a very removed hurtful distance. I felt so alone. It was so hard. I cried and cried. It was oh so miserable
My story is long. I married later in life . my guy is a good guy – really- but he doesn’t have the depth my girlfriend has and he doesn’t ‘connect to me the same way”. Our relationship is open. Loving. Caring. Respectful and and intimate life is great BUT.
Years later I’m on talking terms again with “her” we spend hours on the phone – we live far apart- we discuss our relationship with ourselves and how it effects our marriage. We discussed the Bina article.
Its life in progress….

So to answer the question op asked.
Segregation is a good thing. Had “she” been a male I might ( prob) either been cheating or divorced or something similar ( emotional affair maybe- cause im a frum girl…) but cause “she’s” female we bh have a stable homes and now as adults we are sorting out the feelings that were, are and will always be

Imhappy!

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 1:55 pm

amother wrote:

really now??????

greenfire

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 1:55 pm

I'll be another person to vote with a definitive yes ... there are raging hormones & some people don't know what to do with them ... it does applies to the boys as well as the girls ... hence there are relationships that might not have otherwise taken place if they were in mixed genders

I don't think any segment of judiasm is immune to this concept ... there are plenty of stories regarding all boys or all girls non-jewish schools as well [I'll admit those ones were in the movies]

on the flip side - one of my girls were constantly harassed by all the guys in co-ed schools ... talk about hormones

Imhappy!

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 1:56 pm

amother wrote:

monseychick

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 2:07 pm

amother wrote:

Or maybe, just maybe you would of married your friend had it been a guy instead of your husb

amother

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 2:17 pm

in reply to monseychick
yes, I prob. would of married.
and by now we have a long list of why we wouldnt be happy together... ( theres a lot of love and understanding but many differences- or too many similiaritied) but that is not the issue at hand

yep. we wouldve married and as I wrote she was the love of my life BUT being that I am a frum girl I am greatful that I didnt have the oppurtunity to connect to other guys b/c of my emotional depended nature.

- im not sure if I am I clear enough-

amother

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 2:26 pm

amother wrote:

it's me here again. I want to clarify myself.

girls tend to relate to girls emotionally and get attached that way. girls and boys can also but not always and there's always the physical.
building a family with my dh and not with "her" is the biggest gift hashem gave me. it's not healthy to be so intense. so depending on others and so deep. bh my dh is level headed he keeps me straight and yes having a great girlfriend is an amazing gift.

Ruchel

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 2:35 pm

Not every deep, touchy feely friendship is necessarily a love relationship.

Of course a guy may take time to relate to you like you want/like a girl. Maybe he also misses his guys friends who were easier to understand and their private jokes.

When my dh's then bff got married my husband was also "upset", now it's all settled. When HE got married, his then bff went through something I would have to call a depression (not going out, refusing to learn, not eating, hating on us/me) and still refuses to keep in touch.

Imhappy!

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 2:39 pm

Ruchel wrote:

I'm not questioning you Rachel but can you explain that? to me its the same

amother

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 2:45 pm

I think its true.
It was true for me.
it was hard.
before shiduchim I looked up a therapist and asked her if im ready, is what I did/had mean I cant have a healthy relationship with a man.
she told me, based on what she hears, that same story could have happened with a guy if I were in a co-ed envirement. I was needy and this girl filled the void.
After marriage, I believe it. I know im normal.
doesnt mean I dont miss female closeness in friendship, which cannot be replaced by a man. Even the best man. Dh is great. But some things, he just wont get or feel as much as another woman can understand.
Enjoying a close, even to some degree emotional friendship is nice, as long as it has respect and boundaries.
I regret the past. I dont kill myself over it (anymore). I understand myself. And I dont let it ruin my life today, at all.
but emotionally, I still sometimes prefer my friends over dh. To discuss certain topics.

Zehava

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 2:56 pm

amother wrote:

Thank you for saying that. Sometimes the friendships I had make me doubt my marriage. I always wondered why I don't feel the same intensity with dh. Movies sure make it look like that's the way it should be. So thanks for clarifying that it's normal.

amother

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 3:12 pm

New amother here.

Definitely happened to me, and to many of my friends. We're Chassidish. It happens by the boys, and the girls. Perhaps a fraction of these people have gay tendencies, but most do not. It's the craving of love and s-x with whomever is available.

This is from my experience, and the experiences of those I discussed it with.

Ruchel

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 3:47 pm

Imhappy! wrote:

I'm not questioning you Rachel but can you explain that? to me its the same

I meant, can be neediness, can be hormones for those who have it turn physical (and I don't mean hugs and stuff, I mean "affair" like physical), can be a clingy personality coupled with loneliness...

I don't think, given the opportunity, all the girls or boys in such friendships would turn it into a s-xual affair.

m in Israel

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 3:53 pm

amother wrote:

Can you please tell me the date of the Binah issue? I've gone through the last 3 issues of Binah, and can't find an article with the title "Wings of Triumph".

I haven't gotten Bina in a while and didn't read the article in question, but "Wings of Triumph" is the name of one of their columns -- I think it comes out every few weeks -- each time with a different real life story. So the article will have it's own name -- but in the top corner of the page it will say "wings of triumph"

Imogen

Mon, Mar 31 2014, 5:14 pm

Gender segregation is part of religious Jewish life, it has many strengths, creating a strong sisterly bond amongst women and huge reservoirs of chesed for our communities. Yes it probably does lead to some having a girl on girl crush. Don't think that is so wrong or most of all necessary to be carefully scrutinised, over analysis can create difficulties that do not need to be unravelled. Time and circumstance can offer maturity, sometimes teenage years and experiences should be left in peace.