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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Preschoolers

When to potch?

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allrgymama

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 7:21 pm

As a general rule, I really try not to potch my children. They only get potched if they do something incredibly dangerous (run into the street, grab for a 'real' knife) or chutzpadig. In either of those cases, I have always been clear to give a warning before the potch (if you do this or don't do that, you're going to get one) and to discuss and clarify after the fact, again, why they got potched to make sure they understand and 'agree' as to why they got potched, and to reinforce that Mommy still loves them even if Mommy is giving a potch, or is yelling.

I like to think that because I'm so clear in these situations and mostly level-headed, that it reinforces the correct behavior. My kids are good kids and well-behaved and because they only got potched if they really deserve it, they know that something serious has happened if a potch is being given out. Also, while I got judged for it at the beginning of the summer, after only a handful of times of potching my 18 month old for running into the street (a very verbal and communicative and bright 18 month old; I don't know if I would have done the same for DD #1), I didn't spend the summer running after my kid in the street. On the other hand, my neighbors are now still running after their two and a half and three-year-olds.

Tonight, though, my (very nearly) five year old did something so stupid (a word that I altogether try to keep out of my vocabulary, but sometimes that's just what something is) that I was both flabbergasted and incredibly angry. I told her she was going to get a potch for it, waited about five minutes, still felt like giving her the potch and so did.

(I realize there is a difference between feeling like giving a potch and feeling that your child deserves one. I acknowledge that, without going too much into specifics, in this situation, the line definitely got blurred.)

So I'm curious of your thoughts -- what kind of stupidity deserves a potch, if any kind does at all?

sequoia

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 7:43 pm

Can you elaborate on what she did?

MaBelleVie

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 7:45 pm

Something that she knew was dangerous and did anyway? Unless a potch is effective, though- and it isn't for all kids- I wouldn't bother. There are many other disciplinary methods, you have to choose what your child responds to.

naturalmom5

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 7:53 pm

Dare to Discipline by Dr James Dobson
Read it. !!!!!!

allrgymama

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 8:08 pm

As I said, it was something that was completely stupid -- not dangerous or chutzpadig, but something that I would not expect a 5 year old (her birthday is in less than a month) to do. Something that showed she was completely not paying attention to what was going on around her, or what she herself was doing. No one got hurt, and nothing got drastically ruined, but it was so stupid that I'm embarrassed to even type it.

Because I limit potching to really specific situations, I do find that when I have to potch, it is effective. Afterwards, she told me on her own that she was 'really really really really really really' going to pay more attention.

As a whole, I do find my disciplinary method to be something that my children respond to, as well as logical and not rash. I do not potch suddenly or unexpectedly and without warning. And even if I warned 'If you continue doing that you're going to get a potch', I then follow up with a 'Now I have to potch you. Do you want it on your hand or your tushie or your face?' Again, I really try to be clear with my children when they're being punished or disciplined to as to why of it.

I was just curious if there are situations where it is acceptable to potch a child just for being stupid. Like, if a five year old colored on the walls with crayons, that would be considered 'stupid', right? At least with my kids, I don't think I've ever had to tell DD #1 specifically that she can't color on the walls, so if I came downstairs and saw that she had, would that be a potch-able offense?

(That isn't what she did, but it's close enough).

Similarly, if a four year old who had been toilet trained for a year or more just pulled off their pants and peed on the floor (barring some traumatizing event), that would be 'stupid' and deserving of a potch, right?

I'm fairly confident in my disciplinary style and beliefs, but this is the first time I've encountered a situation of potching just for being 'stupid' and am trying to figure out how to readjust my parameters for potching as a response.

starmarket

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 8:13 pm

When to hit your kids? When you want them to be afraid of you. Please reconsider this - there are so many better ways of teaching our kids.

sequoia

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 8:13 pm

Uh, regardless of reason, please don't EVER hit your child in the face. Stick to tushie.

And no, in my view "being stupid" is not a spankable offense. Only outright impertinence.

greenfire

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 8:14 pm

NEVER !!!

starmarket

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 8:16 pm

greenfire wrote:

NEVER !!!

❤️

allrgymama

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 8:18 pm

To be clear -- my children are not afraid of me.

And they get the choice -- hand, face, tushie, wherever. It's not my first choice, but sometimes they choose it. Also, I potch fairly lightly; it's not like any body part is red after I've potched it. They're usually more devastated at the idea of the potch than the pain from the actual potch.

starmarket

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 8:23 pm

[quote="allrgymama"]To be clear -- my children are not afraid of me.

And they get the choice -- hand, face, tushie, wherever. It's not my first choice, but sometimes they choose it. Also, I potch fairly lightly; it's not like any body part is red after I've potched it. They're usually more devastated at the idea of the potch than the pain from the actual potch.[/quote

Anyone who is using physical contact to control someone smaller/weaker than they are is using fear - of course they are afraid of you - that is why you are hitting them. If a husband hit his wife - even if it was "lightly" - she'd be afraid of him and feel some negative feelings.... Please don't hit your kids.

greenfire

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 8:24 pm

the effective way to discipline a child

for colouring on the walls is to wash the walls

for peeing on the floor is to wipe the pee

for going into the street - to sit on a chair or something of the sort

resorting to hitting is [regardless of how light] says you are bigger & stronger & unwilling to teach with cause & effect

allrgymama

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 8:31 pm

@greenfire: but that isn't true at all, if you are a good parent. As I said, I am very clear as to the cause and effects of potching -- and I would make the child clean up the mess as well.

While DD #2 is too young for this kind of reasoning, I have discussed with DD #1 on multiple occasions that she can be a maidelah who listens because she and Mommy loves each other and she believes that Mommy only wants the best things for her and for her to be happy and healthy OR she can be a maidelah who listens because she's afraid that she's going to get a potch and that Mommy will be angry. I am quite clear that I want her to be the first kind but that, if she's going to do something that she knows she's not supposed to, that she's been repeatedly told not to do (whether she didn't listen on purpose or because she wasn't paying attention) then she is going to get a potch so that if nothing else, she will listen next time so that she doesn't get a potch again.

I do NOT potch to bully my children. As a matter of fact, I don't do ANYTHING to bully my children. That would be terrible parenting.

No one else on the whole site is willing to say that they EVER potch a child? I'm amazed.

Edit: @starmarket: come on. There is a difference between being afraid of a person and being afraid of a potch. If a crazy person on the street was waving a gun, I'd be afraid of the person and the gun, but when I go to Israel and see soldiers with guns, I'm afraid only of the guns (malfunction, someone could try to grab it away...). My children are NOT afraid of me and I will maintain that and resent anyone who tries to suggest otherwise without knowing me from a hole in the wall.

AND you can argue the finer details of it if you'd like, but there's a difference between controlling someone physically/with physical contact, and reinforcing correct behavior. You're making me out to be an abusive mother.

starmarket

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 8:36 pm

Would you want someone (like your husband gd forbid) who is bigger and stronger than you are, and who you depend on for your survival (as our kids depend on us!) to strike you on your face (or anywhere else) when you do something they don't like? How would it make you feel?

starmarket

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 8:38 pm

Hitting someone is abuse. It is. I am sure that you love your kids beyond measure and are a wonderful mother (I mean it!) - but hitting is not okay.

allrgymama

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 8:42 pm

I guess that we just disagree, then.

And I applaud what must be the excellent and effective parenting skills of everyone who responded that allows you to discipline without ever potching a child even once in their lives.

MaBelleVie

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 9:06 pm

Yeah, I wouldn't potch for the examples you gave. I would (and do) potch on occasion, when my child knowingly does something dangerous. I don't think you truly understand the brain of a four/five year old if the only way you can classify those actions is "stupid."

chayamiriam

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 9:51 pm

In this day and age with so much information available about child growth and development your asking when to patch never, ever just because you don't patch right away making the child nervous waiting for the pain to start is horrible and will only make the child anxious and encourage future aggressive behavior. Consequences or time out for bad behavior is far more effective in the long run to change poor behavior.

observer

Wed, Apr 02 2014, 11:04 pm

You do sound like a good, thought-out mother who cares a lot about her kids.

You should know, there are many families that don't potch. Ever. So I'm not sure if you were sarcastic above, but it really does exist.

My husband and I do not potch our children. Do we punish? Sure, as needed. Loss of privilege, loss of fun activity (no riding bikes today), time-out... but no potching.

And I wince every time I read the word "stupid". Maybe ask her to explain to you why she did what she did. I don't think most kids do things to be "stupid". Maybe they're curious, exploring, not thinking of the outcome, etc. but not 'stupid'. If what she did is uncharacteristic for your daughter, why don't you ask her about it? Do you not think a serious discussion with a logical consequence, plus seeing how bothered you are about it, will prevent it from happening again, without resorting to a potch? Just wondering...

In any case, I do think that you work very hard on cultivating good relationships and open discussions with your children, and you sound like a very good mother. Hatzlacha!

sneakermom

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 12:54 am

Am I the only one who thinks it's degrading to ask someone where they want the potch?

It doesn't feel right to me.

Making a child wait is also unsettling to me.

If you want to hit a child do it quickly and get over it. It's not like there's a special Bracha to make beforehand or anything.

For the record I don't condone hitting nor can I say I've never given a potch. There's once or twice I've done it and saw it worked. The rest of the times I regretted it after.

Like others have said other methods work just fine with less damage.

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