Do men ever bentch licht?

Kitten

Thu, Jun 12 2014, 3:38 pm

DrMom wrote:

Well I guess you have never been in my circles, because among us: Sure, someone has to light. Usually this is done by the woman, but if there is no woman, sure, the man lights.

My DH lived on his own before we met. Of course he lit candles!

Read my post more carefully, I said "men GUESTS". Of course, is everybody is a guy, I would assume one of them has to light...

Frumdoc

Thu, Jun 12 2014, 4:12 pm

My understanding was that pre marriage, an adult was considered to be a member of their parents' home and covered by their bracha. If living independently, especially if owning their own home, some say they are still covered but many that one should light for the household.

I would presume a divorced man or woman should light for their own household, although if they move back to their parental home I don't know.

Some say you light where you sleep (house, not room) and some where you eat. We light in our own home, ie where we sleep, but if eating out will make sure one of us sits by the lights and reads/ learns/ has snack or drink either before or after we go out, as per our Rav.

I have never heard the idea of one bracha per room, my sephardi friend we often stay at does not hold by this, but it is interesting.

My dh lights, with a bracha if I am working, and I make my own bracha on the electric light in the hospital.

amother

Thu, Jun 12 2014, 4:12 pm

OP here:

Thanks for all the responses. So from what I understand (after reading everyone's comments) there is a 50/50 chance that he will light.

So... How do I go about this without getting into an awkward situation?

Trying to be a good host....

tichellady

Thu, Jun 12 2014, 4:21 pm

I don't think there is anything embarrassing about lighting or not lighting- it's a mitzvah, not anything to be ashamed of. Just ask him if he would like to light shabbat candles. He will say yes or no. That's all.

MaBelleVie

Thu, Jun 12 2014, 4:22 pm

I would just ask him if he prefers to light or for you to have him in mind. It really isn't weird or awkward, it applies to anyone who normally lives alone/without a wife.

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Jun 12 2014, 4:23 pm

amother wrote:

Just ask him.

SplitPea

Thu, Jun 12 2014, 4:23 pm

"there is a towel on your bed, coffee is in this cabinet, sugar and cups over here. I have extra candles set up if you typically like to light, dh davins at the early mincha and its at 6:55 tonight. we are so happy to have you....

doctorima

Thu, Jun 12 2014, 5:27 pm

I would just put out 2 tea lights (so he feels that the option is there if he wants it) and smile and ask, "Would you like me to have you in mind when I light, or would you prefer to light yourself?"

zohar

Thu, Jun 12 2014, 7:47 pm

My widowed grandfather would light 2 candles when he came to visit.

Iymnok

Fri, Jun 13 2014, 7:16 am

mummiedearest wrote:

I did when I was single. I lit since I was three. never thought about not lighting at someone else's home.

This is a common Lubavitcher minhag. In most other homes the wife lights, if she's not there the man does.
There is a machlokes of a guest should light where he eats or sleeps

OP Offer both options, or "Shall I have you in mind?"

belolah

Fri, Jun 13 2014, 7:24 am

I always used to light when I stayed at other people's homes when I was single. I had a sfardi friend who used to set up candles for me in a slightly different place or I used to light at a different time to her because that was their custom.
Occasionally a single guy friend we have over will ask me to say a bracha over candles on his behalf.
OP - I dont think offering him candles will insult him if done in a casual way, but if it is his minhag to light and he is comfortable with you I imagine that he would ask anyway.

chaos

Fri, Jun 13 2014, 7:57 am

I know of single men who light. I don't think it's embarrassing, awkward, or insulting to set up tea lights and give him both options: "Would you like to light or would you prefer that I have you in mind?"

Ruchel

Fri, Jun 13 2014, 12:16 pm

My dh told me when he was single and spending shabbes not at home or like at camp friend etc, his mother lit with him in mind. He never lit.

Chana Miriam S

Fri, Jun 13 2014, 1:06 pm

My husband actually lit candles when I was away in Israel for the summer.

He was told to by our Rav.

Volunteer

Fri, Jun 13 2014, 3:34 pm

freidasima wrote:

Split pea, what kind of minhog is that, one brocho in the room only? What is the source of that inyan? I've never heard of it, just the opposite that it is a mitzva to fill the room with brochos.

As for divorced men they certainly light in their own home and can ask to be yotzei with the baalas habayis if they are in someone's home, we have had this before. Same for widowers and all men who are the head of a household without women around.

This is the predominant Sephardic custom. According to the Sephardic custom, Shabbat candles are lit to provide illumination and a comfortable atmosphere at home on Friday night. So, the mitzvah is that each home is to be illuminated by candles, and more than one set of candles per home is not needed. The obligation applies to the household, not the individual. If a woman is a guest at another household, the guest is exempt from lighting candles at all, if the homeowner lights her own. Nevertheless, since adding more Shabbat candles is a beautiful thing, and it promotes the sanctity of Shabbat, usually the guest lights her own candles with the hostess, and relies on the hostess's blessing (the guest does not make her own blessing). The Sephardic halacha is strict about never making brachot that are technically unnecessary.
As for men's obligation in candle-lighting, it follows the same reasoning. The mitzvah is to light one set of candles per home, regardless of who lights them. Normally, the honor is given to the woman, but if there is no woman available, the male head of household should light candles. When my husband was single, he lit shabbat candles when he was home on Friday night. When my father was alive, after my mother passed away, he did the same.

amother

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 1:47 pm

OP here - thanks for all the responses. So before we even had a chance to ask him, he requested to DH that I have him in mind when I light. - Phew! I really try to be a good host and put my guests at ease.

LiLIsraeli

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 2:06 pm

Ruchel wrote:

My dh told me when he was single and spending shabbes not at home or like at camp friend etc, his mother lit with him in mind. He never lit.

this is the halacha when one lives at home and is only away for a short while. Someone who lives alone or is away for a long while - like studying in yeshiva/sem - cant rely on their mother having them in mind and is responsible for lighting on their own. Then they have the choice of joining in with the hostess's lighting or lighting their own candles. This is according to what I learned in sem.