Need desperate help for my gifted daughter

seeker

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 9:29 pm

5*Mom wrote:

I am not a professional but it sounds to me like your dd has some very significant social cognitive deficits as well as executive function deficits. I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record here, but I would strongly recommend that you get her a thorough evaluation by a great pediatric neuropsychologist. You will get a detailed assessment of her developmental strengths and deficits and detailed recommendations for remediation, which will give you a much clearer idea of how to move forward from here.

This. I have nothing more to say. It sounds like you definitely have something going on here; I find that often the highly intelligent kids can be the hardest to diagnose so you really need an expert. I think you just haven't gone to the right professionals. Again, most social workers won't have much experience with someone like this. Good luck finding the right match for your child.
Why does she say she's not going to change? Is it because she does not see the need or because she feels unable to? Either one can be addressed. A good therapist can help with getting her on board.
I suspect that your best solution would probably be some combination of medication and therapy, in which the medication could possibly be eliminated once she has had the chance to integrate new thinking skills. Of course, I can't make any diagnosis or prescription since I am neither a doctor nor do I know your child. But that's just my hunch based on what I've seen in similar situations. Don't be scared off too easily; it sounds like your situation is pretty unhappy now and the right treatment could really open up new possibilities.

MaBelleVie

Tue, Jun 17 2014, 9:40 pm

Your other evaluations consisted of an hour meeting with you and half hour with your child? That is not acceptable at all. The evaluators I work with spend hours with the child, the parents and observing in the classroom. They see the child in different contexts, and over a long enough period that the details emerge.

I'm not in your area either, but I agree that it's crucial to have a proper evaluation done by a highly qualified neuropsychologist. You should feel confident that he or she has experienced the full spectrum that is your child, understands your concerns, and is piecing together the info in a way that makes sense. Ongoing support for all of you is crucial as well.

5*Mom

Wed, Jun 18 2014, 6:01 am

myym wrote:

5*mom mentioned specific deficits she thought. If you can elaborate on those, or provide a name of someone to go to.

Google "Michelle Garcia Winner social cognition."

Also Google "executive skills" or "executive functions."

I'm sorry, I don't live in the US so I don't have a name to recommend. Maybe MaBelleVie could direct you in how to find a great pediatric neuropsychologist in the NY area? Or maybe your pediatrician would have a name for you?

amother

Wed, Jun 18 2014, 8:43 am

Hi, I can only imagine what you are going through! I am gifted myself and I can imagine it may be difficult for your daughter to be more mature and intelligent than her friends at school.

That may be causing anxiety and stress, imagine if you felt like you had to translate yourself all the time just so others could understand your thoughts? If she is way above average, she is probably constantly being misunderstood by many people, including friends and teachers, and that could be bringing the issues you are seeing.

I agree with the many suggestions for music and art, if she likes to dance, classical ballet is really calming and great for reducing anxiety, also learning a musical instrument is great for that.

Another thought: if you have friends with daughters her age, you can help her with her friendship issues. You call your friends and ask them to come over with their daughters, that way you are the one calling and you can be a model for how to behave with friendships.

myym

Wed, Jun 18 2014, 11:10 am

OP again. To the poster above, who is gifted. I would love to hear about your experience as a child. My daughter is for sure frustrated. But the odd thing is even if I have friends over and try to model appropriate behavior she is resistant to learning social skills, hence the ODD diagnosis..She can have a friend over and then start crying and go to her room..clearly not age appropriate. Did you have those deficits?

amother

Wed, Jun 18 2014, 9:40 pm

myym wrote:

As a child I did have friends, but I knew that even though they were my friends there were things that they would never understand. Sometimes I had more fun talking to the teacher than to the kids in my class, because I was more mature.
In 5th grade that changed, because there was a new girl who was also gifted , and we became best friends and we understood each other well!
Personalities vary a lot, gifted or not gifted.. what if you took your daughter to do something fun, without the siblings, and talked with her about these things? She might open up and welcome your advice more.

seeker

Wed, Jun 18 2014, 10:45 pm

I still would like to understand more about WHY she resists learning social skills. Is it because she feels other people are boring and not worth interacting with? Is it because she feels that she is already perfect and has no need to improve? Is it because it seems too difficult and foreign to her?

I would not assume that it is simply a matter of her being so much smarter that everyone else can't understand her. It is very much a reality that some people have both superior intelligence and disabilities at the same time. Many gifted individuals get along just fine with others.

myym

Thu, Jun 19 2014, 2:52 pm

OP here. I agree with the poster above. It is not necessarily due to her advanced cognitive abilities that she has no friends. That's what I'm trying to figure out...Like I said she's also not so nice sometimes, but I don't know why. She's very different than other kids. Doesn't have that sweet innocence and happiness of children. She takes life very seriously. But that is related to advanced maturity..She has always been that way. A very not sunny type of person..too uptight..Very intense..Help!

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Jun 19 2014, 3:14 pm

Sometimes a smart child with good imitative skills will talk like an adult.

Do not be fooled.

They are parroting.

There is no seriousness behind the serious-sounding talk; they heard that somewhere, maybe from their parents, and are simply doing what linguistically adept people do: repeating it, complete with grave intonation and maybe the merest slim notion of what it means.

Do not be fooled. A child is a child.

It's just a tape recording.

I recommend arranging to meet another mother on a certain bench at a certain time, outdoors. Having another child come into her house has been too much invasion for your daughter.

Bring a board game to the bench. It has structure. And let the kids run around too, after a ball that is easy to see and easy to catch. Bring some dolls too if you use that. Bring food and drink.

Praise her or just say what a wonderful nice afternoon we all had, on the way home. Praise her for relating well.

Zehava

Thu, Jun 19 2014, 3:55 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

No no no. She isn't parroting. She is living in a frightening world. She understands a lot of things but doesn't have the adult perspective yet. She grasps a lot more than others her age. I know. I've been there.

5*Mom

Thu, Jun 19 2014, 4:16 pm

Zehava wrote:

IDK, it sounds like OP's dd is dealing with a lot more than just giftedness and I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss what Dolly is saying here. She really needs a proper eval.

amother

Thu, Jun 19 2014, 5:58 pm

I am also following this thread because I have a son in a similar situation. I have a complete comprehensive neuropsychological evaluation scheduled at rh end of August.

Just a question- what qualifies a child to be labeled gifted. It seems like it is a term thrown around here easily and according to my uneducated understanding, only an extremely small percentage of pple are "gifted"

Disclaimer: I am only on the beginning of my evaluations journey and my son exhibits similar traits to that of op- not the gifted ness- I think he is extremely bright beyond age level, but then again I am his mother and every mother thinks their child is bright

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Jun 19 2014, 8:43 pm

I am no expert or professional, but some people are naturally patch-work and checkerboard-ish in their "bright"ness or "gifted"ness.

A person might dazzle in some ways.

Yet also exasperate in others.

Meaning, a person can be smart about one thing, and slow about another thing.

If you saw them doing what they are good at, you would say they are smart.

If you had to deal with their limitations about another thing, you would swear they were slow.

So which is it? It's both.

People sometimes are, and sometimes are not, consistent across the board about their smartness.

It's all part of being human, but some do need help.

"Gifted" comes in many flavors.

Only a proper evaluation can discuss this in useful detail about a specific child.

MaBelleVie

Thu, Jun 19 2014, 8:48 pm

5*Mom wrote:

IDK, it sounds like OP's dd is dealing with a lot more than just giftedness and I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss what Dolly is saying here. She really needs a proper eval.

Yes. A gifted child can have a non verbal learning disability- I've seen it with my own eyes.

myym

Thu, Jun 19 2014, 10:20 pm

OP here. The definition of giftedness officially is an IQ that is over a certain number. I can't recall the exact number. It's not a question that my daughter is gifted it was apparent as a baby and ppl's jaw drops at the way she carries herself and speaks. Its rather odd actually. She's like an adult in a childs body. Believe me it's not something I would ask for! Unfortunately its not just that shes smart and mature but intense and serious..I'm not sure how much is related to the giftedness. Like other ppl wrote, they have gifted children that otherwise are fine. Well, my daughter is not fine! I just tried tonight to explain to her that when we make a friend it doesn't mean she can only be friends with you, etc, and she refused to hear me. I can't understand why she acts like that...Otherwise we were having a pleasant time bonding.. A poster wrote that she has an evaluation set up for her son. Are you in the NY area? Maybe you have a good recommendation..
On a different note I was speaking to a friend today and she thought my daughter could use someone who we can pay to kind of be her mentor/friend to guide her..Does anyone have experience with that? It feels like too easy of an answer, but we'll try anything!

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Jun 19 2014, 11:27 pm

OP please get a professional evaluation. You don't have a minute to lose.

At nine, she is on the verge of the physical changes and you are going to need 1) comprehension and 2) a plan. There are people who are trained for this: use their services. Ask her pediatrician for a recommendation. No well-meaning amateurs, a seasoned, degreed professional.

Please get help for her, and for yourself with her.