furious at inlaws continued...

rosehill

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 3:21 pm

amother wrote:

op here, I'm not sure where the $650k starter house came from. That's a huge exaggeration. Go to zillow.com and u will see plenty of starter house in cedarhurst where the asking price is below $500k and can be bought in the low $400's if not lower. Also, my parents are the sweetest, kindest most generous people a child can ever ask for. They r also middle class at best. They told me when I'm ready to buy they will try to help with something. I figure it will be around $5000 and I (and my DH) will appreciate their generosity. My resentment towards my FIL stems from the simple fact that parents should help their kids when they can. He is a big giver/helper to 100 different causes. His family-out of luck. And again, I wouldnt THINK of asking him for the entire down payment, just some help.

You've repeated that about 100,000 times.
Your in-laws are competent adults who can choose what to do with their money. They can use it to save the whales if that makes them happy. No matter how many times you repeat *they should*, THEY DON'T WANT TO.
And there's nothing you, or we in imamotherland can do to change that.
Can we start talking about constructive ways for you to deal with this reality?

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 3:39 pm

amother wrote:

op here...I do live in the 5 towns. My in laws never helped us financially with the exception of in our shana rishona gave money towards health insurance after begging for it. My husband stopped after a year bec. rather than giving post dated checks, he would make my husband beg for it each month which always involved some reason to come back tomorrow, or why am I doing this. it was a major begfest and degrading. I guess we can go back and forth on this forever. When I used the word obligated, it was a bad choice of words. Simply put, It is very difficult these days to support a family. As several people on this thread suggested., even making 300k a year is not that much. With that in mind who should children turn to for financial help? My son would like to take swimming lessons, my daughter would like to take piano lessons, my inlaws know this and would never even consider helping. Maybe if my husband gets down on his knees and begs they might give something towards that. And again they are very comfortable with very few expenses at this point in their lives.

Sweety, extras for kids are not something that anyone has to pay for you. Thats why they are extras. Its something that you pay for IF you have enough money, not if your inlaws have enough money.

There was a swimming chug - club - here in our yishuv. The price was beyond crazy. In my life I never would have even thought to ask my parents to help with the cost.

Extras are extras are extras. Thats life.

And you do realize that your posts are getting more and more resentful. It started with "only" being resentful over a downpayment. Now its also swimming and piano.
Im sorry but once again, no parent is obligated to help their child with these things. They are extras in life.
Even a down payment is.

amother

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 3:48 pm

abby1776 wrote:

This is directed to the OP

What are you gaining by being resentful and angry. It's clear that your FIL has some control issue by making your DH beg. Face it - your FIL isn't a nice guy, and isn't going to give you any money. You don't seem to be that upset that your parents arent going to give you any money either. If you want to stay in the 5 towns then sit with a financial planner and figure out a way to make it work otherwise move out of town to someplace like cleaveland or Baltimore where the cost of living is Lower and you can buy a house, send your kids to swim lessons or piano lessons.

OP This is your solution.

Tell your FIL you will move far away. If he is as controlling as you paint him, he will give in.

ValleyMom

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 4:48 pm

I am NOT a Senior Citizen by any stretch of the imagination but after rereading ALL these posts I am disgusted by the SELF CENTERED, ENTITLED, SPOILED EGOTISTICAL BRATS that this generation has produced----the generation that termed new vernacular such as the ever-popular SELFIE. I'm sorry to say but we are parenting the most selfish generation human civilization has ever produced.

OP:
Go out and get another job or two or three for all the extras you feel that are owed to you.

You're parents owe you nothing more that unconditional love.

Your aging parents are NOT built in freebie baby sitters.

Your aging parents are NOT a never ending piggie bank....

Your aging parents are DONE being financially responsible for you the day you turned 21.

HOW OLD are you?!

Don't you think your parents have earned the right , after many MANY years of TOILING in the workforce to spend their hard earned money as they wish?????

And all you new mommies out there-- be careful how you parent or you too will end up with a child who feels the world OWES her.

My children are older and they know better than to ask me for $$.

If my oldest son wants to fly somewhere for a friend's chassuna he knows that he needs to consider how long it will take him to save up for the trip. He wouldn't dream of asking me to fork over several hundred dollars for plane fare.

I hope this thread stay on this site for many years and I HOPE that one day, years from now the OP will reread this thread and rethink all the things she published on this site.

Instead of looking for MORE things in your life to make you feel happy try to be grateful for the things you already have. Happiness is an INSIDE job. No amount of platinum and diamonds or square footage in a home will make you truly happy.
Instead of spending so much time thinking about how miserably selfish your in-laws are read some Pirkei Avos... Look for the one that talks about "Who is wealthy???"

Remember:
When you love what you have... You have everything you need.

Or at the very least play the Rolling Stones song over and over and over and over...

You can't always get what you want... But if you try sometime... You'll find--
You get what you need!!!"

Good luck to you.
But even more... Good Luck to your In-Laws!!!

ValleyMom

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 5:03 pm

Listen, I got married in 1990 and I wouldn't have DREAMED of asking my mom and dad for $$ for furniture, linens etc. It was what it was. Our first couch was used. Our first bedroom set was used. The mattress was new.

I mean seriously, why do these kids these that the world OWES them ANYTHING???!!!!

It's like they want prizes for getting married!

Life is NOT a game show.

Buy what you can afford and move on.

Marriage is not about how much stuff you can accumulate.

It's about building a loving relationship, you may have found your life partner but maintaining and deepening your relationship with your spouse requires a lot of time and effort.

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 5:07 pm

ValleyMom wrote:

I completely agree with you valleymom. I remember when my husband and I got engaged. He was in yeshiva and I had a job that was average pay. We were going to get everything second hand to start off with. we got lucky because my grandparents gave us a very generous gift, but if they would not have we would have bought everything ourselves. Thats what getting married is all about, RESPONSIBILITIES!!!!!

(and I especially love your line "Life is NOT a game show". Very true. No prizes for xyz.

zaq

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 5:22 pm

How does one ask for a thread to be locked?
OP is not listening to anyone. She is simply reiterating, in an amazing variety of ways, the same old tune: her in-laws owe her because they have money, period.
Why are we all dignifying her puerile plaints--and squandering our precious time--answering? Surely there are better things we could be doing, like polling how many women here have short nail beds or husbands who snore?

Willow43

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 5:27 pm

abby1776 wrote:

Its not realistic to expect the OP to move to baltimore or cleveland, and I do feel bad because I know the 5 towns mentality well and its VERY hard to live there without ALOT of money. In fact for various reason I was dying to live in the far rockaway area, and my husband refused because he knew we could never keep up with the jones's. I was upset at first but now I'm greatful, because instead of being a nothing in an area where money is so important and never being able afford a house since prices are so high (we have no one who would help us)- we live in an out-of-town city and although we still dont have a house yet, we have a chance and hope to in a few years.
While I'm not saying the OP should move obviously, you either need to figure out how youre going to do it on your own or just accept that your in laws are never going to give you money for the house or extracurricular and just live with that reality, hard as it may be.

By the way you never stated your parents situation, and what you (and your husband) expect from them for your down payment??

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 5:35 pm

zaq wrote:

You report the thread and tell the mod you want it locked for x reason.

ValleyMom

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 5:41 pm

I don't think this thread should be locked.
Hopefully some other DIL's will red this and maybe have a change in attitude.

If you read through the thread perhaps other young moms will observe how selfist the OP is and perhaps realize that sometimes they share her twisted logic and maybe just maybe they will reconsider their selfish, self centered, egotistical way of thinking...

My vote is leave this thread up and running.

rosehill

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 5:46 pm

zaq wrote:

Well, I don't know what puerile means, but I keep asking myself all the other words in that question. Yet it's like a train wreck.....can't seem to look away.
What are the chances I'll come on here and see

"OP here. Thanks, you've given me so much food for thought. I guess I should I should be grateful they raised DH to be the wonderful man he is, and either try to find the money elsewhere, or learn to live without"?

Anyone want to wager?

ValleyMom

Thu, Jul 10 2014, 5:47 pm

Listen, last I checked we still reside in the USA where we all have Freedom of Speech.

OP has the right to state HER opinion and BH so do we.

HEY OP---Get a job!!!

And don't tell me you have young children because my kids had to be in infant care from 6 weeks and on.

Simply because I helped with the mortgage payment, food bills etc.

That's just life sweetie.

Life is not all about Jildor's and Bloomies and Bib & Tucker....